Cederak
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Posts posted by Cederak
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Thank you for the CCC review, Rarity. I'm a little disappointed to see this didn't go over terribly well with you, comedy-wise, though this is hardly your run-of-the-mill comedy. You did catch my small Bionicle reference, loosely tying the story to that universe or, in this case, every universe. I will say that the crystal core isn't symbolic of anything. The details of its place in this story are up in my reply to BZP Blade if you care to take a glance.But yeah, it's not a typical comedy. It's not a script (as you said you prefer), the narrator is an AI with a very interesting take on things and much of the story is very straightforward.Regarding whether or not this is a comedy though, I'm not really sure how to respond there. I can say my sense of humor doesn't translate well with everyone and while some BZPers told me this was funny, I can see this didn't land with you. It's definitely not a laugh-out-loud type of comedy, it's an exploration of my dry wit thrown into an artificial intelligence. Take that for what you will.-Ced
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So, TWA has graduated from intern status, huh? Well, congrats and welcome to the team, man. Now, I think I'll give you a nice induction assignment.CenotaphsIn Memoriam - Cenotaphs ReviewNumber of Chapters: 15-Ced
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@CotA: Thank you so much. It's reviews like yours that really make me happy about the work I bring here and the enjoyment it brings to others. You spent a couple weeks caught up in a borrowed universe I wanted to capture and transform into something different. So when I read what you had to say, it was one of those feel-good moments that just made me reflect on how far I've come as a writer, while also bearing in mind that the job is never done. Thanks again.
-Ced -
Thank you for the CCC review. Any/all criticism is greatly appreciated.
-Ced -
@Wazdakka - Thank you for reading. I'm happy to hear this feels like a piece of the canon, and I worked at making it feel legitimate. Still not sure about a Season 2, but...we'll see.@LC - Thank you for reading as well. It's a real treat to see I'm still receiving reviews for this story and it's something that remains close to me. I think if a Season 2 ends up happening, they'd probably get a new recruit at some point.-Ced
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Guess who finally made good on their promise of reading your epic? This guy. I really enjoyed Lick the Sky thus far, in particular how every chapter feels a little too short. I don't feel shortchanged or anything, I just wish there were more. It's a fun story to read and I only encountered a few errors in it.
"to" should be "of."and quickly scaled the length to the roof.
Move the comma behind "life."As he tried to come to terms with, his new life he decided it was no longer worth it to carry any kind of memory from that place.
This line felt very out of place. I get that Kakaru was surprised, but maybe that would've been better as an internal thought, or even spoken by Kakaru.There's an air of mystery to your Metru Nui, like it's always bathed in a light fog for some reason. Often times, I picture the City of Legends as a sunny place, but there's something about Lick the Sky's descriptions that just make me think "fog." A question for you: Are your Vahki able to be understood or can only Dume understand them? It doesn't really matter too much, just piqued my curiosity. Moving on, I don't have a lot of typical "critic" things to say about this one. It's a well-written epic whose characters feel alive and whole, especially your protagonist. Perhaps that's because you said you know his story so well, but either way, he's interesting enough. Kakaru seems to use the Virtues as his motive for theft in the city, arguing that the means justify the end. I like a lead that stands for something and that really shows in him.I had been meaning to review this for a while and I wish I'd started sooner, because I really liked what you had to offer. Your characters, details, and dialogue are wonderful and I look forward to reading more about Kakaru's adventures in Metru Nui.-CedWoah wait what. -
Journey into the Light -- Part 1: The Bohrok-Kal has been reviewed.-Ced
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Hello, Galigee. I stopped in because Journey into the Light Part I: The Bohrok-Kal was my assigned ECC review cycle piece. Admittedly, I wish I could've said I was drawn here of my own volition, because this epic was marvelous. Of all the reimaginings I've read about Takua's journeys, this was a truly memorable experience to read through. You fashioned a tale that interwove with the Bionicle comics, Bohrok-Kal Online Animations, Mata Nui Online Game, Bionicle Chronicles books, and even more, I'm certain. This felt like a piece of fanfiction fully realized, integrating so much of the Bionicle universe and yet, so very little. My history with your written work is sparse. After having seen the sheer detail you provide to every moment and every single event, I am entirely convinced you are deserving of the praise BZPower writers have expressed in conversations with me.Before going into more analysis of your epic though, I wanted to outline a few minor slip-ups I came across. All quick fixes, I assure you.
1:16 - Should be "feet were weary" and "Jala was so tired".It felt good to ride instead of walk, because my feet are weary from days of trekking. After his night watch, Jala he was so tired he began to stumble.
1:17 - Should be "put it back".He folded his knife and put back in his pack.
2:1 - Should be "would be pretty good" and "possible to get".“You know, following those two around would pretty good training in being a Toa, if it were possible get promoted.
2:1 - Remove one of the instances of "we're going." The repetition seemed to ruin the flow.Also, this only came up a few times, but I noticed that when your characters spoke with emphasis, you used an all caps word rather than italics. Perhaps it's just a style preference, but I've never been all the partial to all caps words in writing…acronyms aside.Where we’re going, we’re going to need to use caution.”
Having taken inspiration from so many places, this felt like a part of the 2003 storyline I wish we could've seen - a look at all the events through the eyes of my favorite Chronicler. His journeys across the island of Mata Nui, sprinkled with references to his eventual transformation into a hero of light. I also liked the subtle hints to the true history behind the island and the Matoran's origin in the Matoran Universe below.Your take on Mata Nui wholeheartedly felt like the real thing. All the locales, the villagers, the Toa and Turaga, even the tree-speak - it was all very much in line with the island Bionicle fans came to know and love. I honestly have nothing negative to say about this story, because it's a fun, journalistic view of so much over the course of a little more than a month. The detail was always just right, never too much or too little. In short, I am truly amazed with the story you gave me, despite the fact I've read the story across comics, animations, books, etc. This made it all feel so new again, gloriously full of the brilliant light your protagonist is soon destined for.Thank you for sharing this with BZPower, GaliGee. It was nothing short of outstanding. -Ced
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Happy Birthday Janus. Have a great one.
-Ced -
Well, sure enough. I sorta thought the FFFC was open for two weeks, but I was mistaken. Guess you're outta luck then.
-Ced -
@Joev: Thank you. As I said above, some of the AI's dialogue is based in part on my natural speech. I think the task of taking my voice and adding a bit of a mechanical touch isn't impossible, though even if I didn't, I'm sure I'd have fun doing it. Anyway, thanks for reading.
-Ced -
Joev raises a good point. Ambage contest entry pieces can be modified up until we are no longer accepting entries. So you still have another week to make necessary changes.-CedI feel like that comma should be after 'immediately' instead of 'stopped'.
Why not?Yes, perhaps. Can't edit it now though, haha. -
How lucky are the Bahrag that their last resort plan encountered a Toa team that relied on physical objects to maintain their elemental powers? I mean, even Teridax got lucky when the Toa Hordika set him free, though that situation felt much less convenient. Anyway, this wasn't a bad effort. Much like with the first installment of this eight piece series, I think you outdid yourself once again. But, y'know…in a self-defeating kind of way.
Spelled "ado" and "rhymes." I know it's not part of the actual story, but…yeah.So without further a do, I present to you...(hey that rhyms!)
Spelled "whose."who’s toxic breath alone
This dragged the sentence out. Remove it or separate it - your call.Also, you misspelled Nuhvok and Lehvak each time you wrote it. A Ctrl+F hunt will help you find the errors.What is it about the Bohrok that made Bionicle fans enjoy them more than the Rahi? Much like Teridax in 2002/2003, they were cloaked in mystery. People like mystery - it reminds us of the ever-present darkness in life and the fear of the unknown. So when I see you start to throw out words like "Super Bohrok" and "Neutradermis" so casually, well, I think I'm justifiably frustrated. As much as I appreciate the curiosity born from something like leaving a thick sheet over a misshapen object, there has to be the right build up to make that important. If the reveal is too simple, the attempt falls flat. If the reveal is too intricate…hmm…I actually don't know how I'd compare that side of things to this story. I suppose the easy escape is to come out and say this reveal was anything but intricate.The obsessive group that haunts the S&T forum (and I say obsessive in the kindest way possible) would love to have more information on what the Bohrok were dipped in to make Bohrok Kal/Krana Kal. And Greg could either give them the answers, or loosely spell it out. For a non-canon approach to this, your terminology is as direct as though you were stating fact. Can you think of any idea why Greg didn't tell us all those years ago what the Bohrok/Krana were dipped in to be transformed? The first guess should be that he didn't know what to name it. I could believe that. The second guess, if you give it some thought, is that it doesn't matter. By spelling this out for the audience, you prematurely pulled the sheet away to reveal…I dunno…spilled milk or something. It took away from how impressive the moment began. But it didn't end there.Your Bohrok Kal were a little too basic, even for machines. Within the canon, they seemed to have a bit of an attitude, a superiority about their status and mission in life. That mindset doesn't just come from out of nowhere. It's made through continued success and a high learning curve. You handed the Bohrok Kal their powers, so…what? That's not impressive. Make them work for it, make them learn, perhaps destructively, what they are capable of. The payoff of learning to control it (which works as a subtle, meta reference to their inevitable loss of that control against the Toa Nuva) will support their arrogance.Convenience works against writers all the time. I am of the mind that life is not simple. I am also of the mind that art imitates life. That said, art should not be simple if you want it to feel realistic. This was a valiant effort and I can tell you're pushing yourself to think outside the Exo-Force box you were in when I first started reading your work. You and I know this isn't the finger painting you want on the fridge, this is supposed to be the game changer, the paradigm shift. I'm sure you take pride in your work, and I want to take pride in it too. But the road to achieving the latter isn't simple. So if you're thinking, "Hey, other people will read my work. Why listen to one critic?" please tell me. I'll step back and let the remaining six stories get reviewed by someone else. But if you're willing to hear me out and listen to the advice of a guy that spends too much time in front of his computer monitor, I'll do what I can to guide you toward improvement. I'm looking forward to your answer. Keep at it.-Cedor anything else foolish enough to get in its way. -
So you're doing short stories now, huh, Joev? This actually feels a lot like some of your recent epics, to be honest. You're taking what people are already familiar with and changing it into something of your own. That is the definition of fanfiction and this isn't your first rodeo. You know the rules and so do I. Before this turns into a full-on Rickroll, I want to shed some light on the weaker points of this piece.
Throw that question mark at the end of the ellipsis.Onua thought for a moment and replied, “Which is?...”
Maybe try something like this: "You must seal your canister and wait to fulfill your destiny, Onua. I must go now."And now Onua, you must seal your canister, and wait to fulfill your destiny, and I must go.”
Drop the semicolon for a comma.“Wait; don’t go yet!
I'm not really sure what to address first on this. First off, an Elda can detect the Ignika and hidden beings. Mata Nui's "spirit" is essentially everywhere in the MU. I would think that kind of "presence" would be undetectable by Kanohi. Also, this felt like another overly-blatant reference to the 2006 storyline. Chro touched upon that point with the Piraka line and I can see why. References like those, if made at all, require tact and subtle placement. I would have to argue with Chro that this was not meta, but painfully deliberate.If Onua had worn the Kanohi Elda, the mask of Detection, he would have realized that Mata Nui’s presence was still there, but he was simply not answering.
razor-sharpSo…story analysis time. You talked about going in a different direction from Greg, or at least adding on to what he did. The problem here is that Mata Nui laid things out a little too neatly. There's so much explanation and an entity like the Great Spirit is fully aware that he's wasting his "breath." But even so, Mata Nui runs through all of what will be required, acting like the MU's biggest contrarian on the subject of "which Toa Mata do you like best?" all because you're trying to reinforce a statement. That statement of course is that Onua deserves more screen time. But does he? Does he really? Greg laid out his character well enough. In fact, you used the facets of that character as the build for your Onua and the influence is apparent enough.Having read this, however, I can see why Greg didn't take this approach. It's much too calculated for a Great Spirit who Bionicle fans are accustomed to providing vague details - letting situations work themselves out with minimum intervention. To reference Chro's review again, he mentioned it was like Onua was talking with God. Again, I have to argue with that. Gods of any lore often seem to be aligned with the classic Mata Nui strategy, offering insight only when necessary.There's a few important points that I gathered from this story though. First of all, you need to space out your dialogue. If someone's talking, give it some "bubble room" to breathe and drop an extra space down. As it is right now, from an aesthetic view, this story is a blob. Second point is that you're obviously a fan of Bionicle universe and you wanted to strike up a conversation that felt genuine and loyal to the character we know. In terms of that, I think you shot yourself in the foot. You entered the "too much of a good thing" territory with the overly-detailed explanations from a Great Spirit talking to a biomech he knows is about to get his memory wiped. Not to mention the 2006 storyline references, but I've said enough on that front. Third point is the importance of story. I read your introduction…it was the most unnecessary thing since bowties on sharks. Let your work speak for itself. This is another example of playing your own worst enemy. Don't tell the reader all this stuff that you're going to be doing. Be brief, be simple, and to the point.-CedOnua sighed, and then held up a razorsharp claw, -
A true air of mystery shrouds this story, iBrow. I had my likes and dislikes, but you raised an excellent point. I have to imagine there were some Makuta that, for personal reasons (a bad mood, general hatred of the ally/ally's species, etc.) chose not to honor the possession of a Tablet of Transit and simply killed the holder. We have become accustomed to a Brotherhood devoid of honor, to the extent that actions like this are hardly surprising. Even when it might benefit the Brotherhood at large, I am confident Makuta would disobey orders from their brethren at times, purely out of spite. Well done, capturing that idea in a sound, believable way.As well, I have to commend the backstory you provided the Le-Matoran with. Spurred on by the promise of his survival upon completing his journey, he endured a great deal…all for naught. This character felt very real as well, not because he's given any real dialogue or anything, but because of his determination in the face of hardship (a trait most Matoran seem to possess) and his reaction to the terrifying Rahkshi. Perhaps more horrifying than the nightmarish Irnakk of Zakazian (I believe "Zakazian" would be the correct term) lore, Rahkshi are alive and sometimes in droves. In the Le-Matoran's situation, I would've been full of fear myself. There's not only the risk that a Makuta would choose not to uphold the importance of possessing a Tablet, but it's likely that Rahkshi are completely oblivious to their significance. If you're visiting someone's home, you can't risk flashing a sign of peace to the guard dog, y'know?
As Chro mentioned, there's no real answer or resolution that explains what brought the Matoran through such a challenging trek. You made him suffer through so much, and even in accordance with the FFFC word limits, I think you could've spared a little extra to explain what all that journeying was supposed to lead up to. That was a bit of a letdown for me, but the rest of the piece was just excellent. Good work, iBrow.-Ced -
Hey there 345. Yes, I'm going to call you 345 because that's easier for me to write out. If you don't like it, tell me and I'll never say it again.
Anyway, I read this because new stories often interest me, and it turned out that this was…definitely a different sort of story. Before going any further, I want to say that spelling isn't really the issue for you. However, grammar definitely is.
Spelled "heartbeat" and change the last "his" to "its."He could almost hear his own heart beat racing away in his chest, its uncontrollable urge to rip right out of his place.
"held his breath" and "at that moment."He held breath and closed his eyes, wishing he could be anywhere else at this moment.
Spelled "Kohlii."into a space not much bigger than a large Kohli pitch.
"barely any room" "and so little that arms" and "in the crowd."There was barley any room between each Matoran, and so little so, that arms and legs were interlocked in the crowed.
"its"of which the vast majority of it population were female
So your non-canon Metru Nui promotes and enforces segregation? "Awesome."None of the Matoran from different Metru’s sat together. Those were the rules.
Crowed: something a bird does. Crowd: a bunch of Matoran. And split "convergeupon" into two words.Vakama’s chest started to cave as the crowed seemed to convergeupon him.
He felt the tingling vibrations as the other Matoran slammed into him, trying to see the coliseum floor as if he weren't there - a ghost in the crowd.He felt the tingling vibrations at the other Matoran slammed into him trying to see what was going on, on the coliseum floor, as if he wasn’t there, a ghost in a crowed.
Or maybe a Rahi metaphor for the sake of your subject matter…as if they were gazelles spotting a lion amongst them.
Spelled "Karzahni."You said you'll be focusing on Vakama and Matau with this story, a couple characters that canon fans know pretty well. I wouldn't say you abandoned the qualities in Matoran Vakama that made him seem very familiar to me, in a way that hearkened back to the 2004 storyline. Life was life, and Vakama crafted masks and tools. He was also plagued by visions that would come to shape his destiny. This felt very in line with that Vakama, and I enjoyed that side of things. You set up a fine introduction to your story, with quite a cliffhanger ending as well!With only one character to focus on with this chapter, there's not much I can say about the dialogue. Your description was decent, and I felt somewhat connected with what you were trying to show me. If you're shortening your character list, I would recommend placing greater emphasis on scenery description - sensory details and the like.It's too early to make a judgment call on this one, but it has potential. Stick with it, 345, and best of luck with this reboot.The large coliseum doors opened like the gates of Karsahni,-Ced
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A new take on a canon moment. I must say, as much as I enjoyed the final events leading up to Bionicle Legends#11's conclusion, this didn't sit well with me. Twisting the words seemed to ruin the Makuta Krika I liked, and I think the same could be said for Gali Nuva to a lesser degree. I'm sure you've heard the saying "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." In this case, that seems very true. I like the canon characters, I like the way they've been built (no pun intended) and I like how they reacted in certain situations. It's what makes fanfiction all the more interesting. People will sometimes take the characters we know and put them into situations they've never been in. Revisiting such a critical scene that revealed Krika's character…you took a risk approaching that. I like risk-takers, but I would be remiss to not mention how it didn't pay off this time.Another thing I want to address is how there's too much of a good thing. I'm talking about your excessive use of ellipses, especially in your dialogue. Trailing off like that, for no other apparent reason than forcing drama from their voices felt painfully forced. Moreover, it felt unnatural, so keep an eye on that in the future. Characterization aside, I think your description of the Karda Nui swamps was well done, capturing the feel of the scenery and the uneasiness between a Toa hero and a Makuta villain. It's a strong dynamic - on one hand very easy to express, and yet somehow very easy to ruin. That didn't cause you as much of a problem as the aforementioned characterization issue though.Last thing I want to address is what I realized at the tail end of this story. This is an Ambage contest entry! And that said, I think this was a very weak attempt at working the theme into your work. The scene change to the Karda Nui escape made me pause momentarily, but once it came to light that the scene's sole purpose seemed to be a reinforcement of integrating the theme with your flash fiction piece, I was disappointed. Ambage write off themes (Fortnightly Flash Fic. Contests included) are open to interpretation and this isn't the first time I've seen the theme slip in at the end. I simply took issue with the fact that there was nothing solid about leading up to your use of the theme. It came out of nowhere, like you suddenly remembered that you had to use the theme somewhere in your story.So as a flash fiction story, it's not bad, but it does need work on characterization. As a FFFC entry, I would recommend a stronger emphasis on the theme material.-Ced
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Vahki Army III - Viral Infection, the epic assigned to GSR that I requested to review for him due to boredom on my part, has been reviewed.
-Ced -
Hey, Cederak here with a charity review. I really wish I'd had the time to read Vahki Army I and II because without the knowledge of those plots, this was pretty confusing. It's not your fault, I found several callbacks to events that occurred in the previous epics. I honestly would've liked to read this one to the very end, but there's a real problem with cramming everything into a single post. I noticed your sig mentioned VA3 was up to Chapter 9, but this one cut off partially into Chapter 5. There is a word limit to posts, and I'm sorry to see the board cut off the rest of your work.Grammatical and spelling errors were seldom, and really didn't ruin the immersion factor for me much. You were fairly descriptive with your work as well and since I'd like to hope your characters were built more during VA1 and VA2, I didn't really get to know them very well during this epic. Admittedly the Brief Summary/"Story so far" would've been nice in the main topic, rather than the review topic. Just a though, I guess.I will say that I was impressed with the scope you chose to tackle with this story. I assume the title "Viral Infection" has to do with the Tyran army conquering worlds that are not their own. It reminded me in a sense of what I did with a story of my own during the SS LSO '12. You crossed over between the human world, the BZP "world," and the world of MOCs (which may be a reference to the Bionicle world…I wasn't sure) in a way that felt very reverse-Tron-style for me. It was an interesting concept, if nothing else.In particular, I liked your take on a Bionicle world invaded by an army. Even in the canon with Teridax's reign, we didn't get much of an "invasion fleet" sort of feel, because he possessed absolute power over the universe. The BZP universe, even if briefly, was cool. You built a society around usual, routine BZP stuff like logging in, checking our inbox, and it felt very ingrained with a living, breathing world. Nice job with that.All in all, if I'd read the earlier epics, I suspect this would be a very satisfying conclusion to all that. As it were, I just didn't have the time, but I appreciate the effort you made with this third installment to your Vahki Army stories. Keep at it.-Ced
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I've updated my achievement list as well.
(I really want to have half the points wrapped up by the end of the year.)Point Total: 335 (Cool Critic); 3 Review Tokens-Ced -
@fishers - Well, you certainly zeroed in on the point. To further elaborate, the AI was given some of my natural voice combined with my own twist on stereotypical "Comedies characters." Sure, since the interface is a virtual one, the use of emotes was a possibility, but I didn't want to completely destroy my…tact.
It's not really a reference to anything. Just an AI overanalyzing an idea.Interesting...Is this a reference to human built AI or the Core War? Or something else?
Nope. It was one of the biomechs invading The Alteration's compound and hacking the system. Though I suppose drawing a reader in that way would've been interesting in its own right.Regarding how a lot of this story feels like a parody, I threw out a lot of the basic mechanics because this is a comedy. The only rules I really had to follow were getting 300 words and not bypassing the filter. And yes, you also picked up on the fact that this was my attempt at parodying some of the "bad writing" the Comedies sector is infamous for, while trying not to abandon my "ironic humor, borderlining on sarcasm." I so enjoy sarcasm.Thanks for the review!One of the "ladies and gentlemen", i.e. the readers, has hacked into the server! Ooo...-Ced
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@Chro - Thanks for reviewing. Sounds like an interesting video, to say the least. I could appreciate a surprise ending like that.Also, I made the edit you recommended. Glad you pointed that out.
-Ced -
A BZPer who uses their first post to jump into an epic? I must say, you're a braver person than I am. I think a good year passed before I even had the courage to start posting stuff to the Library, so I commend the effort, I really do. Also, welcome to our wonderful site.
Like a lot of multi-post stories, I have no idea what your title means, though I'm certain it likely plays into something later on in the story. I stumbled upon some errors on my initial read, and I won't reiterate on the points already made by Eponine and Kakaru. What I will recommend though is to use MS Word when writing further chapters, or to download a free equivalent (Open Office or something of the like). A tool like that is invaluable to writers and doesn't require us to be as vigilant about grammatical/spelling issues. I'll run through what I found though, so you can touch it up later.
I don't think "Job" should be capitalized.As a Watcher, that was my Job.
heard them tellI had heard tell of other places,
to say the leastIt was an uneventful day, tot say the least.
Watcherrecognizing me as a watcher.
well-liked, greatly respected, and well-paid.Watchers were well liked, greatly respected, and well paid.
Rahia stray rahi might kill us,
Watchers'I walked into the Watchers Department,
The fragment after the colon is not an independent clause, so "Rope" should not be capitalized.my various supplies: Rope, a couple of crude staff-like weapons, and thorn-spikes, just to name a few.
"Blue" doesn't need to be capitalized and remove the comma in the second sentence.where a Blue female Matoran was standing. I turned to face her, and waved.
you'veDelving into story structure and plot, this has the potential for a massive setup. I'm mostly speculating with a lot at this point, but I suspect the Watchers will be a major player in this epic. Whether or not your "City" remains terribly important, it's hard to tell. You didn't give me a lot of detail to work with, which suggests it's a temporary venue your protagonist will depart soon, perhaps to explore other regions of Ornak Nui. Of course I could be entirely wrong too. Again, not a lot to work with right now. All I can say is that I agree with Eponine's notion that your description of the City thus far seems to be a tad inconsistent.All in all, you're off to a promising start. There wasn't much in terms of characterization or dialogue due to the small size of the opening chapter, so I can't really go into some of my usual critiquing specifics there. As I said before, there's not enough to make any real thoughts about the direction of things just yet. Keep at it, Oniaku.-Cedyou got to wait!" -
I have come to the understanding that CoT has been stereotyped for often being filled with written work that is depressing or full of angst. You avoided that and—like your narrator—went straight for the gut with this. The viewpoint of a serial killer is simple to project, while also being incredibly multifaceted. There's a mental complexity to someone so unhinged that they have an aim, a compulsion, it would seem, to target individuals (sometimes in a pattern, which I'll get to more later). Like someone that can feel an eyelash on their cheek or an itch on their arm, a person is hardwired (or rewired in this case) to give themselves to that urge. I see stories go on to make grand statements about the damage people can do in masses, but a single person, through the particular, premeditated efforts of the night, can leave a mark as well.You captured some of the genuine horror/thriller genre in this piece that made it compelling, convincing, and resonant. Though that's not to say I didn't encounter some shortcomings.
Coding error aside, I felt there should've been some italic emphasis on the word "exactly." Personal preference sort of thing, just wanted to mention it."That’s exactly what I think."
You were thinking of the word "wrack." Minor slipup.I enjoyed the interpretation of a serial killer that you presented because it felt legitimate and genuine. The story's dialogue was realistic too, but I think there were aspects you could have played upon to improve the main character. As promised, I'll pick up on the formerly mentioned "pattern" idea. It's not uncommon to see killers, in choosing their targets, narrow in on a specific type of person, for one reason or another. With these sorts of stories, the "why" is seldom as compelling as the "how."That said, I enjoyed your main character to an extent. The inner monologue, the actions, the importance of the darkness to put his motives into action - all very solid for me. I think there's a real drawback, a real risk, to shedding light on that kind of character's origin. I get that few survivors of a gun violence incident involving their parents turns out to be Batman-esque, but when you start giving a real background to a character in a short story like this, I think it can be more detrimental that anything else.Most importantly, don't sell yourself short. Your lead character was excellent working on his own merit, his own words, ideas, actions, etc. I used this word earlier, but this is a very multifaceted entity, not some symbol of monsters in the dark, not some symbol of the safety of the light. You gave me a real killer that went out and killed. No remorse, no second thoughts. Just a knife and a casual want for a cupcake. And I liked that. I liked that this wasn't overly thought out to represent an emblem of something else. What I saw was what I got. Well done there. I felt my belief in your killer to falter a bit though as the past came out. We see someone powerless lose someone important and it breaks them. I don't usually consider "origin stories" to strengthen a serial killer-type character and I would have to say it worked against you in this case.All in all, I liked a lot of what you gave me with this story. It was a bold, stark, unforgiving dive into the routine of a murderer and, I think if your lead had been handled a little differently, would've been just perfect for me. But even casting that aside for a moment, this was still, well…cupcake-sweet.I had to rack my brain to answer her question. Nicely done, Ezorov.-Ced
The Ambage
in Short Stories
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-Ced