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  1. Alright everyone. I decided to enter the Caveat Scriptor contest if only because I'm so psyched for the Lego Movie and needed an outlet for that excitement since there's still TWO WHOLE MONTHS A MONTH OR SO (I'm bad at time) until it comes out. This is my first comedy on BZP (or the first good one, anyway, and hopefully the numerous data losses since my last one mean any others are lost to time). It's also my first attempt at doing one in script form, which, unless I'm missing something, is awfully difficult to format on BZP. But anyway, without further ado, I give you... Primetime Pitch Pres. Business: Good afternoon, all you shareholders, business consultants, and robot goons! I've called this emergency meeting because our dear, good friend the Infomaniac went and said something SUBVERSIVE on his show last night... andgotputtosleep. [Everyone gasps] Pres. Business: But the good news is, that means we now have an OPEN SLOT on PRIMETIME TV! So I want you all to put your thinking caps on and come up with some GREAT IDEAS for how to keep the TV-watching citizens of Bricksburg dumb and happy during the 6 to 7 p.m. timeslot! I'll let this pink thing here beside me start with her pitch. Bizniz Kitty: [startled] Earnings! Dividends! Um... Quarterly reports! Bruce Wayne: Um... "Biznis Kitty"... he's asking for pitches. Bizniz Kitty: Pitches? Like... baseball? Bruce Wayne: Like a pitch. For a TV show Bizniz Kitty: [Gasps and smiles widely] A TV SHOW? [singing] I used to be sad Before I had any friends But now that I do It's always fun without end! Uni! Uni-kiiiiitty! Rainbows and sunshine and friends all around! Uni! Uni-kiiiiitty! Where adventure and sunshine and fun can be found! Uni-Kitty! [Crickets chirping] Bizniz Kitty: So? What did everyone think? Pres. Business: What... what WAS that? Bizniz Kitty: The Uni-Kitty theme song! Bruce Wayne: You have a theme song? Bizniz Kitty: No, Uni-Kitty has a theme song! I'm Biznis Kitty! Stocks! Bonds! Pres. Business: Okay... so what happens in Uni-Kitty's TV show! Bizniz Kitty: Weren't you listening to the song? She has adventures and fun with friends! She grows wings and turns into a Uni-Kitty princess! Pres. Business: I don't remember that part of the song. Bizniz Kitty: And it doesn't just teach valuable lessons about the importance of friendship, either! It's advertising! Pres. Business: ...Advertising. Bizniz Kitty: That's right! As soon as the show starts airing, Octan Industries has to start selling TOYS! Pres. Business: ...Toys. Biznis Kitty: TOYS! Uni-kitty action figures! Uni-kitty accessories! Uni-kitty playsets and picture books and puzzles! Pres. Business: Look, Ms. Kitty. I can talk to the children's producers about your show. But right now I'm talking about PRIMETIME. We can't have a show for little girls occupying our number one timeslot! Biznis Kitty: But it's NOT just for little girls! It's for little boys, too! It's for moms and dads and secretly-obsessed college students! Pres. Business: You... you really think all those people would tune in to that? Biznis Kitty: I sure do! You want numbers? I got numbers! 97! 150! 224! Pres. Business: That... that sounds revolutionary. Biznis Kitty: I know, riiiiight? Pres. Business: Too revolutionary. I hate it. [biznis Kitty's face falls.] Pres. Business: Next up we have Bruce, my main man! Bruce! Surely you have an idea that's... not that last one? Bruce Wayne: Yeah, I have an idea. Pres. Business: Well don't just leave me hanging! Shoot! Bruce Wayne: Okay, so here's the pitch. An eight-year-old child, returning from the movies with his parents, sees his parents taken apart RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. Pres. Business: Ooh, dark. Keep going! Bruce Wayne: To avenge his parent's deaths, he trains his body and mind and as an adult, starts fighting crime in the dead of night DRESSED AS A BAT. He uses all sorts of high-tech gadgets and vehicles and his own keen detective skills to hold all sorts of insane criminals at bay. Pres. Business: I love it! Especially the anti-crime message. That'll do great at keeping the citizens in line! One thing though... Bruce Wayne: What? Pres. Business: He needs a name. The crime fighter, I mean. Bruce Wayne: Oh, uh...? Pres. Business: Oh! I've got an idea! So he's like some sort of warrior or knight, right? Bruce Wayne: Um... yes. A Dark Knight. Pres. Business: And he rides around in a cool car? Bruce Wayne: ...Yes. A sort of a... bat... mobile. Pres. Business: So here's what I was thinking. How about... drumroll, please... KNIGHT RIDER? Its dark, edgy, and if I might say, super catchy. Biznis Kitty: I like that one! Bruce Wayne: Actually... um... Pres. Business: But what about when he's not fighting crime? He needs a name that's easy to relate to. Bruce Wayne: Um... Mr. President Business, sir? Pres. Business: How about this? Clark—pause for dramatic effect—Kent! [Everyone except Bruce Wayne cheers] Bruce Wayne: You know what? Actually, sir... I'm withdrawing my pitch. It wasn't even all that good. Pres. Business: Aw, say it ain't so, Bruce! Bruce Wayne: [Holding back tears] I've gotta go... got... something in my eye. C'mon Biznis Kitty. [bruce Wayne and Biznis Kitty leave] Pres. Business: Well. That was disappointing. And those two were my best idea people. Why must replacing all your underlings with imaginationless robots backfire so?! Executron: SIR, I HAVE AN IDEA. Pres. Business: You do? I didn't think that was possible! What is it? Executron: PROCESSING... Pres. Business: C'mon! Executron: PROCESSING... IDEA #1: PEOPLE WEARING PANTS Pres. Business: Seriously? THAT'S your miraculous idea? Everyone wears pants! When you get right down to it, EVERY PROGRAM ON TV is about people wearing pants! Idea REJECTED. Executron: SIR, I HAVE ANOTHER IDEA. Pres. Business: Oh, so you're suddenly a fountain of inspiration. What is it this time? Executron: PROCESSING... PROCESSING... IDEA #2: PEOPLE NOT WEARING PANTS. Pres. Business: [stares in awe] People... not wearing pants... COMMERCIAL: Tune in to Octan TV tomorrow to catch the premiere of Where Are My Pants? Follow one hapless man's awkward quest to find out just where his pants went! Catch it at 6 p.m. every night of the week... oryou'llbeputtosleep.
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