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T&M Contest Entry: The C-Squad

CaT in Rogue

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As a comedy writer, I have had a very, very, very large number of comedies that die out of lack of personal interest, or just because nobody reads them. In fact, I have written somewhere around 20 comedies and I can count on one hand the amount of them that actually went anywhere. Why do I keep on writing these literary trainwrecks? Because I am waaaaaay too stubborn to quit. Also, it’s fun. Anyways, I got my first real comedy kick from the contest where you had to write about three Matoran, a bucket, and a Manas. Guess what I named my entry.
It was my first attempt at writing a ‘real’ comedy, so to speak, and it actually turned out fairly well. Well enough, in fact, to receive an honorable mention in the results. That was a few years ago, AKA one of the very few times the comedy forum has had a contest. (While I’ve been here.)
After finding out that this contest included pretty much everything on the forums, including comedies, I decided to write a comedy about my favorite characters from my works coming together in one big fat trainwreck story. So, here it is, the story absolutely none of you have been waiting for:
*Scene cuts to a white room with smooth walls and floor, with the only decoration being a window, a door, a piano, and a mini-fridge. Multiple persons are present.*
KFRD: *Holds up checklist* “Okay, everybody, one last roll call to make sure everyone’s here. Myself and Lewa from Bionicles + Me = Craziness are already checked off. Vezon, from the ‘Vezon Gets’ series?”
Vezon: *Pulls out chain gun* “Thought you would never ask!”
KFRD: “Ooookay. Ab, Mu, and Stro from Three Matoran, a Bucket, and a Manas?”
Stro: “Present.”
KFRD: “And last but not least, Skirmix from The Skirmix Show?”
Skrimix: “Right over here, chief!”
KFRD: “Wait a second, Skirmix? Where did you come from?”
Skirmix: “Well, I’m afraid the full details would be a little too non-PC, but when a mother Skrimix and a father Skirmix love each other very much-”
KFRD: “I meant, how did you get HERE? Like, in THIS ROOM.”
Skirmix: “Oh.”
KFRD: “The door is built to fit a regular human. I mean, come on, Vezon’s only about 7 feet tall, and he still hit his head carrying in that mini-fridge. Speaking of which, what is that thing for? There aren’t any plugs in here.”
Vezon: “Well, DUUUH, how else do you think I got Skrimix in here?”
KFRD: “……..”
Vezon: *Blinks to the tune of ‘The Entertainer’*
KFRD: “It’s not even worth questioning anymore, is it?”
Lewa: “You’ve been writing for how long and you still haven’t figured this out?”
Stro: “Pointless jokes aside, why are we here to begin with?”
KFRD: “Well, BZPower is having a contest where you do something that involves Titans fighting Monsters for control of BZKoro for a chance to win prizes and such. Aaaand since I’ve heard some nut job called Dr. Generico is creating evil monsters on his private island of privateness, I figured we’d go beat them up.”
Stro: “Hold on a second, wouldn’t that make US the Titans? We're not THAT big!”
KFRD: “They’re very small evil monsters.”
Stro: “Okay, fair enough, but why has nobody else noticed this already? I mean, you’d think that SOMEONE might take some concern to this!”
KFRD: “Well, all of the normal heroes are…”
Justice League Headquarters:
Superman: “Hey, Batman, do you think we should do something about those tiny monsters that one guy is making?”
Batman: “Nah, my schedule’s already booked with being dark and gloomy.”
Wonder Woman: “Hey, maybe we could send Aquaman.”
Aquaman: “We could use whales, you guys! Whales!”
Back in the white room:
KFRD: “Already occupied.”
Vezon: “Well, that just about covers everything. Everybody onto Skirmix!”
Skirmix: “What?”
Vezon: “How else would we get to an island in the middle of the ocean?”
Skirmix: “You DO know I can’t fly, right? How am I supposed to get there?”
Vezon: “With the power of the segue!”
KFRD: “Segue; to make a smooth, almost imperceptible transition from one state, subject, or situation to another.”
Vezon: “Blah, blah, blah, we’re here!”
*Scene pans to show the rest of the island, which is actually fairly barren and rocky*
Ab: “Hey, what’s with the not-so-tropical paradise here?”
KFRD: “It’s probably a fairly new island, so plant life hasn’t had much time to grow.”
Lewa: “Actually, we just landed on a random island and hoped you would be on it. Honestly, we had no idea you were here until you spoke up. Who are you, anyway?”
Vezon: “Are you serious? It’s obviously Dr. Phil! I hear his voice in my head all the time!”
Mysterious Booming Voice: “Actually, I’m Dr. Generico! I shall take over this world using my tiny monsters, and crush all those who oppose me!”
Lewa: “Well, in that case, we’ll just be leaving! Good day to you sir!”
KFRD: “Lewa!”
Dr. Generico: “I’m afraid it won’t be that easy! After you cleverly coerced me into revealing my secret plan of secretness, you’ll just have to be the first witnesses of my creations! Behold! The tiny monsters of doom!”
Ab: “Say, how are you speaking to us right now? I don’t see any speakers or anything.”
Dr. Generico: “I placed all the speakers underground because some teenagers would drive by every night and slap the sound system. It was very annoying!”
Ab: “Oh, okay.”
Vezon: “Alrighty then, Mister Doctor! I’m afraid you’ve forced my hand! I came here to kick butt and chew bubblegum! And I’m all out of bubblegum!”
[awkward transition]-------------------------------------------------[/awkwardtransition]
*Cut to Skrimix carrying everybody towards the center of the island*
Lewa: “Why are we going to the center of the island, again?”
Stro: “I’m guessing it’s because where most villains hide their lairs.”
KFRD: “Actually, I just felt like it. Now that you mention it though, Dr. Generico IS probably in the center of the island.”
Ab: “Incoming!”
*Cue shot of hordes of tiny monsters rising up from the ground of the plains and making a beeline for the group*
Vezon: “You know, we’re on a biomechanical Tyrannosaurus Rex, about to fight a giant army of monsters, on a secret private island of privateness. I can only think of one thing this scene needs to be even more amazingly awesome.”
Skirmix: “Oh? And what exactly would that be?”
*Vezon pull out 20 machine guns, lights them on fire, stuffs them into a bazooka, lights THAT on fire, and then loads it into a giant cannon he pulls out of his ear, holds it on his shoulder, and rests his finger on the trigger*
Vezon: “Needs more Dakka.” *Pulls trigger*
*Giant explosion hit’s the tiny monster horde, destroying a giant chunk of it; however, they instantly respawn*
Lewa: “GAH! Run the other way! Run the other way! Every incredibly amazing looking Bionicle set for themselves!”
KFRD: “Oh, no you don’t! You have to stay here with the rest of us! I have a plan!”
Lewa: “What plan?!”
KFRD: “Skirmix, do you think you can get us to that dome-shaped building we forgot to mention earlier?”
Skirmix: “Sorry, but I can either take you there or fight off these things. I can’t do both!”
KFRD: “Okay, then Ab, do you think you can throw Lewa, Stro, Mu, and I into the dome?”
Ab: “Don’t be ridiculous, KFRD! Of course I can!”
KFRD: “Well, then what are you waiting for? We aren’t getting any younger!”
Ab: “Are you sure it’s a good idea to leave Skirmix with us? I mean, Vezon’s a Skakdi and I’m ultra-strong, but he’s just a talk show host!”
Skirmix: “Are you kidding me? I’m a giant biomechanical T-Rex with a stinger tail and humongous teeth! Pretty much the only part of me that can’t hurt people very well is my little arms! Now give me a gun, so that I may hurt people with my little arms!”
Vezon: *Gives Skirmix an AK-47* “Here you go!”
KFRD: “I think that takes care of that. Now, throw us into that building!"
Ab: “Okay then, here we go!”
*Ab picks up Lewa, Mu, Stro, and KFRD, and tosses them into the building*
Ab: “Okay then, let’s do this thing!”
*The horde and Ab, Skirmix and Vezon run towards each other*
Vezon: *Holds up hand.* “WAAAAIIT!”
*Both groups pause as Vezon searches through his pockets and pulls out a small stick of something*
Vezon: “Yes! Found my bubblegum! Sorry guys, but you’re on your own now. As you were.”
*Vezon flies away and the groups start running towards each other again*
KFRD: “Okay, I think the monster-making machine should be right down this hallway.”
*Cue shot of hallway covered in signs saying ‘Monster Making Machine This Way -►’*
Lewa: “Gee, what tipped you off?”
Dr. Generico: “So, you found my secret base, did you? Well, now that you’re here, you must face the terror of my PILLOW NINJA RAHI! BWAHAHAHAHA!”
*A panel opens up to reveal an Ash Bear sitting upright eating popcorn out of a bucket.*
Ash Bear: “Hey, it’s Mu and Stro! What have you guys been up to lately?”
Stro: “Eh, nothing much, really.”
Ash Bear: “Yeah, same here.”
Dr. Generico: “WHAT?! Where are my Pillow Ninja Rahi?! Where did this bear come from?!”
Ash Bear: “Sorry, I got hungry and I ate the rahi I found in here. Was I not supposed to do that?”
Dr. Generico: “Darn it! I knew I should have prepared more than one booby trap!”
Lewa: “Ha! You said ‘trap!’”
Dr. Generico: “Oh well, I suppose it doesn’t matter, you’ll never find me, and I’m the only one who can turn the machine off!”
KFRD: “Like Karzahni we won’t!”
Dr. Generico: “Oh, please! You’ll never think to look under the kitchen sink, pull the lever, go down the trapdoor, enter the passcode ‘1234’ into my high-tech security system, scan your eyes on the toilet seat I have hanging on the wall, and go through the energy wall! NEVER! BWAHAHAHAHA!”
10 Seconds Later:
Dr. Generico: “How on Earth did you find me?!”
KFRD: “The jig is up, Generico! You’re coming with us!”
Dr. Generico: “As if! This human suit is only a costume! Underneath it, I am a vastly superior being compared to any of you! And now, to reveal my true self!” *Pulls off suit*
KFRD: “Ratty from The Skirmix Show?! I thought you weren't evil!”
Dr. Generico: “What? How did this costume get on me? Anyhow, no, I am NOT Ratty from The Skirmix Show! I am…” *Pulls off costume*
KFRD: *Gasp!*
Lewa: *Gasp!*
Stro *Gasp!*
Mu: *….!*
KFRD: “You’re…”
Stro: “You’re…”
Dr. Generico: “Yes, it is I, Tree #47 from Three Matoran, a Bucket, and a Manas! BWAHAHAHAHA!”
Lewa: “But…but why?!”
Tree #47: “I never got any jokes, or praise, or importance. I was just a prop, something shamefully shoved into the background while the real action takes place up front. I wanted to be a main character for once, and you know what? It WORKED!”
KFRD: “Good for you. How do we stop the machine?”
Tree #47: “Oh, all you need to do is deliver a large jolt of electricity to it.”
Lewa: “Oh, is that ALL we need to do? Because last I checked, none of us thought to bring a FREAKING GAS GENERATOR TO THIS NUI-FORSAKEN PILE OF ROCK!”
Stro: “Calm down, Lewa. I know how to get a large jolt of electricity to the machine, whether or not any this method of shutting something down makes any sense whatsoever.”
Lewa: “Well then, to the machine room!”
--------------------Dananananananasnananananananana Segue!--------------------------
KFRD: “Okay, we’re in the machine room. Now what?”
Stro: “Here, give Mu this Thunderstone.” *Hands Thunderstone to KFRD*
KFRD: “Why?”
Stro: “Just do it, okay?”
KFRD: “Fine, fine.” *Throws Thunderstone over to Mu* “Here, take this.”
Mu: “…..!”
PikaMu is evolving!
Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun duuuh dun dun dun dun dun dun duuuh duuh Do-da-le-do!
Congratulations! Your PikaMu has evolved into RaiMu!
Lewa: “…You do realize that if we don’t make it out of here, you deserve to die just for that pun, right?”
KFRD: “Toootally worth it.”
Stro: “Okay, then! RaiMu, use Thunder on the machine!”
Tree #47: “And with that, the tiny monsters shall disappear forever!”
Stro: “Uh…why?”
Tree #47: “Because the machine that create them is destroyed!”
Stro: “You know, the laws of physics dictate that an object that exists tends to still exist even when you’re not looking or interacting with it.”
Tree #47: “So?”
Stro: “So, why would destroying the creator destroy the creations? Is that like if I burned down Apple Headquarters, all Macs would cease to exist?”
Tree #47: “You know, I never thought of it that way.”
Stro: “Well, obviously we should-”
Tree #47: “Burn down Apple Headquarters!”
Stro: “Oh, for the love of…”
Ab: “Hey, look! The tiny monsters stopped respawning!”
Skirmix: “True, but we still have roughly a gajillion left to go through, and I’m running out of ammo!”
KFRD: “Hey, guys!”
*KFRD, Lewa, Stro, Mu, and Tree #47 run towards Ab and Skirmix, squashing monsters as they go*
Ab: “Looks like we just got backup!”
Lewa: “Um, where’s Vezon?”
Skirmix: “Oh, he found his gum and left.”
Lewa: “You’ve gotta be kidding me! He had the best weapons!”
Skirmix: “True, but at least these things are small enough to deal with, to a point. Say, who’s that you have there?”
Stro: “Tree #47. He’s the guy who made these things.”
Skirmix: “How? He has no arms! Or legs! Or any other appendages! He’s a plant!”
Tree #47: “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
Ab: “If you created these things, I have a question for you; why did you make the monsters so dang small?”
Tree #47: “Simple, really. That way I could hide them inside shipments of bacon and hold the world hostage by taking control of the bacon supply.”
???: “Did somebody say ‘Bacon?’”
Lewa: “Who’s that?”
Author's Note: Please listen to this music until further notice for a more enjoyable comedic experience. Thank you for your time.
Vezon: *Swoops down from the sky* “I may not be out of bubblegum yet, but nobody except for NOBODY messes with my bacon, AM I 100% CLEAR?!”
KFRD “Not really, no.”
Vezon: “Too bad!” *Flings hand in the air* “Now, I summon Fenrakk, Axonn, and Brutaka, guardians of the Mask of Life!”
*Ground cracks open and Fenrakk, Axonn, and Brutaka appear*
Vezon: *Pulls out a card from underneath his cape* “Now I play the magic card Polymerisation, allowing me to fuse these three together into…”
*Fenrakk, Axonn, and Brutaka warp together to form a large beast*
Kardas: *Roars*
Kardas: *Stomps the ground repeatedly, squashing all the monsters in it’s way*
Lewa: “I hate to break it to you, but that only works if more of the monsters decide to crawl directly underfoot. You’re not hitting anything anymore.”
Vezon: “I know that, Lewa! In case you’ve forgotten, Kardas absorbs kinetic energy into his own reserves, meaning he gets more powerful with every stomp!”
Lewa: “Okay, hax! I call hax!”
Vezon: “Now, Kardas, unleash your ultimate attack! ULTIMATE KINETIC BEAM CANNON!”
Lewa: "Isn't that statement a bit redundant?"
Vezon: "Of course! That's why this story is officially endorsed by the"
Lewa: "Oh, okay.*
*Kardas fires a giant blue beam of energy from it's mouth, destroying the monster army in a giant explosion that knocks everyone over*
Ab: "Holy Mahi, that was intense!"
Lewa: "Yeah, imagine if you weren't actually here to see it and just had to READ about it! That would stink!"
Skirmix: "Help! I can't get up! My arms are way too little!"
Author's Note: You may stop listening to that music now, if you wish. If you don't, then that's okay too. That song is incredibly awesome.
Ab: "Well, that was quite the adventure!"
Skirmix: "Yeah, but now what?"
*Scene shows group standing in the white room again*
KFRD: "Now you all go home, and we never speak of this again."
Lewa: "What?! Why?!"
KFRD: "Well, that's how most crossovers end, so I'm really not sure what else I would do."
Vezon: "Hey, I hate to be the one to point this out, but where is 'home' for us? We don't have comedies anymore!"
Stro: "Yes, but you know, we were chosen to be in this comedy for a reason."
Ab: "Really? What's that?"
Stro: "Because in the author's mind, we are the most memorable characters he's ever come up with, and even if we don't have our own comedies anymore, even if we've faded into obscurity, we're still always going to have a home in his heart. Am I right KFRD?"
KFRD: "Sorry, what? I zoned out. Why are you all still here again?"
Stro: "Yeah, you can go jump in a lava pit."
Author's final thoughts:
Okay, I've got to be honest with you guys; this is the most fun I've had writing a comedy in a long time. I fully expect this to lose in the contest, and that's okay. If it wins by some sort of blue moon miracle, that'll be great and all, but really, this comedy was a great opportunity to have all my best characters from my favorite comedies in one place. I would also like to take this chance to thank all the people who have supported me over the years. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it. Now if you'll excuse me, I seem to have some plum stuck in my throat.
Edited by Kung Fu Rahkshi Destroyer

"Whether that is right or not...I also...as a Rider...have a wish that I want to fulfill."

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