My True Love Gave To Me...
Entry posted by Turakii #1 Lavasurfer
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On the Twelve Days of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me...
December 25th
Dearest Dave,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased, darling!
With truly the deepest love,
Agnes
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December 26th
Dearest Dave,
Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtle doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.
With all of my love,
Your Agnes
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December 27th
Dearest Dave,
You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.
Love,
Agnes
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December 28th
Dear Dave,
Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice, but don't you think that enough is enough? They're tying up the phone lines with all their calls and no one can reach me. They may even be calling long-distance. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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December 29th
Dearest Darling Dave,
It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible, darling, yet oh, how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squawking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful, valuable gift!
All my love,
Agnes
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December 30th
Dear Dave,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop, dear.
Cordially,
Agnes
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December 31th
Dave,
What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny, you weirdo, so stop with the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
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January 1st
O.K. wise guy,
The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! They've eaten most of the front lawn and my prize roses. I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!
Agnes
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January 2nd
Hey loser,
What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing! They're constantly eating, and do you think they'd clean up after themselves? No! I'm washing dishes day and night for 15 guests I don't even want here! And their piping is upsetting the cows, and the cows are stepping all over those screeching birds! The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me! I'm going out of my mind!
You'll get yours!
Agnes
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January 3rd
You rotten scum!!!
What do you think this is, some kind of hotel?! Now there are ten ladies dancing! Dancing! Twenty-four hours a day! As if the pipers weren't bad enough. The cows can't sleep! I can't sleep, what with the birds taking refuge in my closet and under my bed! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm getting a restraining order against you! Don't be surprised when the police come calling!
One who means it!
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January 4th
Listen you evil, sadistic maniac!
What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They're leaping across the rooms and breaking everything! The maids are running around screaming, and the dancers and pipers are talking about turning this place into a dance studio! It's an absolute mad house, not that they care! At least the birds escaped; they all flew south for the winter. I hope you are satisfied--you worthless piece of garbage!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
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January 5th
The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction, of course, was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
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You've probably read this before. 
I changed some parts of it.
In the words of Relient K, "What's a partridge, and what's a pear tree? Well, I don't know, so please don't ask me! But I can bet those are terrible gifts to get!"
Turakii
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