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[Hurricane iBrow]

Fear - What Lurks Below

Pohatu had disappeared just then, without a trace. Hewkii gone within seconds. Tahu Nuva could only stare at Hewkii as he disappeared into the shadows, possibly forever. Just one more picked off, as they would all surely be in time. Then- gone. Tahu Nuva found himself elsewhere, inexplicably, though his heart was pounding with fear.

Oh poor twisted me
Oh poor twisted me
I feast on sympathy
I chew on suffer
I chew on agony

Tahu Nuva clutched his twisted leg, gasping from both the pain and the need to breathe. The tunnel walls around him were cold and damp, and every so often dirt would trickle down onto him from above. Whatever had attacked him he hadn’t seen; and he had no idea where the others were either.

Swallow whole the pain
Oh it's too good to be
All this misery

The Toa Nuva of fire pushed away the pain, dragging himself to his feet, making sure to keep his weight off the injured leg. Though still intense, the pain felt lesser.

Is just for oh poor twisted me
Poor twisted me

Something slammed him into the wall; flecks of something splattered his armour, though he was sure it wasn’t blood. His tools on the ground below him, unable to see in the darkness, Tahu Nuva screamed as it struck again. Fear building in his chest since hours before was released in one terrible sound.

Poor mistreated me
Poor mistreated me
I drown without a sea
Lungs fill with sorrow
Lungs fill with misery

The fear and the pain took his breath away before he could even take it in, and Tahu Nuva began to suffocate, drowning on dry land. The thing continued to strike- his armour cracked, his leg burnt in furious lashes he hadn’t thought possible, and nobody was around to save him. Too much to fall unconscious, to blackout; Tahu Nuva had to suffer through it all as his lungs burned with the need for oxygen.

Inhaling the deep dark blue
Oh woe is me
Such a burden to be
Poor mistreated me

He began to imagine that he was drowning amidst whatever “It” was, the black around him as dark as the bottom of the sea, with no way to tell which way was up and which way was down. Tahu Nuva began to think, unbelievably, of his past errors. Turning against those he loved in fits of rage, weighing in on his conscience.

To finally reach the shore
Survive the storm
Now you're bare and cold
The sea was warm
So warm
You bathe your soul again
Bathe it again, and again, and again

It was gone without a trace, as if it had been a mirage in the desert. But this wasn’t a desert. A desert was open, bright, and hot. This tunnel, this horrible tunnel, was closing in, freezing, and above all else, dark. Darker than the shadows of Makuta himself. Tahu Nuva felt the pain flooding over him, rising in waves. And he fell out slowly, gracefully; and the blackness became more complete, more solid as he lost consciousness.

To finally reach the shore
Survive the storm
Now you're bare and cold
The sea was warm
So warm, you bathe your soul again

Dreams of terrible things. Before he had called dreams of Makuta victory nightmares, but they were like the light of Takanuva compared to this. Creatures indescribable and infinitely varied, infinitely horrible. Each nightmare worse than the last, until awakening.

Good to see my friend
Oh woe is me
Such a burden to be
Oh poor twisted me
Oh poor twisted me
Poor twisted me

Awakening into the arms of friends known so long ago, it seemed. Yet they were in that very tunnel still, and Tahu Nuva could feel the fear. Fear had become a tangible substance in these tunnels, with the creatures in the dark. A creature nobody understood. A creature nobody saw. And Tahu Nuva couldn’t help but wonder if they would ever be able to leave.

The idea for this came to me about an hour ago, to be honest. I had lots of fun writing my entry for Short Stories Contest #8, What Lurks Below, and had been wondering how to take the idea further. I was listening to the old song by Metallica called "Poor Twisted Me", and it gave me the idea to give Tahu Nuva's perspective on what he went through during his disappearance in What Lurks Below.

Thoughts & Reviews Appreciated.

-ibrow

Edited by ibrow, Nov 26 2011 - 08:40 PM.

[Snoopy82]

Generally, a pretty good story. I rather do like the wonderfully vivid descriptions you provide, in addition to the whole premise of the plot. I also like the whole mystery element that draws the reader in--as someone who barely remembers that specific comic, the uncertainty really made the read enjoyable. The song fits in quite well with the story, so good job in that regard. As a barebones story, it works pretty well--that said, however, I do think there are a few areas you could improve. Being that your descriptive prose is in fact very good, I think you could expand on it. I know you were trying for the whole song-story balance, but I think considering that a. the lyrics are strong enough to compensate for imbalance and b. its rather short, you could have afforded some more imbalance. A final, minute point: watch your phrasing at times. It becomes awkward in a few places, enough that it takes away from the description. Read over things out loud if you have to to achieve clarity of thought, or at the very least read over them in your head. I've found it works very well.

[Hurricane iBrow]

Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it. Looking at it on BZPower it does look short; it looked bigger in Word.
I'll take what you've said into account.

-ibrow

[Snoopy82]

Ahaha, yeah, the bane of writers everywhere--I can't count how many times I've written something, said "oh look how long this is," and posted it, only to see how miserably short it is.