6 replies to this topic

[kanohimetru5995]

this is the review topic for kanohimetru5995's story 'The Bohrok Chronicles'

You can find the story here:
http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=2857

Edited by kanohimetru5995, Jan 12 2012 - 08:53 PM.

[DarkShadow]

This seems like it will be an interesting story. I would never have thought of telling the story from the Bohrok side. Keep up the good work

[kanohimetru5995]

This seems like it will be an interesting story. I would never have thought of telling the story from the Bohrok side. Keep up the good work

Thnx it won't stay on Mata Nui for long, but I hope you'll like the story

[Gertrude Fin]

Hey Kanohimetru! i got myself an account!

[Andrewnuva199]

You've actually got quite a good idea for a story here, and I would definately enjoy sticking around to read it (I really need to get back to following this forum again).

But, I really think you have a bit of a problem with pacing. You're just really rushing through the story here, and not really going through with trying to add detail. In just four chapters, you've gone from Mata Nui to Voya Nui to Metru Nui to Destral to Daxia to Nynrah and maybe a few more places that I missed. It's really making the story hard to follow, and makes me barely understand who everyone is and what's going on.

Here's what I would suggest. Go back to square one and perhaps do a bit of rewriting. Spend some more time on the first chapter, and perhaps try to go into detail about how our hero starts to produce independent thought and reconize Takua and whatnot. Then Chapter 2 could be solely covering Le-Wahi and the Mutagenic water trip (how the heck could he have reached that stuff without swimming to the Pit and back, BTW?), Chapter 3 could be entirely dedicated to getting to and being at Voya Nui, and basically what you could try to do is spend one whole chapter at each of the locations you want your character to visit (and think a little more about him being able to go to Destral and Daxia. I think the way you did it was a little too simplistic and vague.)

And try to spend time finding ways to expand the story a bit. Describe some of the enviroments the characters arrive at, and perhaps not rely on the main character simply knowing exactly what and where these places are. Avoid most "a few days passed while we went to Place X" scenerios by writing scenes that could help flesh out the characters, create interesting chemistry between each other and make them more interesting to read. Perhaps try to describe their looks too, espically in regards to your original characters, but don't leave out official characters either simply because we know who and what they are (one way you could do this is have the main character, due to his memories being fragmented from becoming a Bohrok, not actually know which kind of Matoran and Kanohi is which, or whatever a Makuta or Zyglak is. Give us a chance to see how he reacts to learning of these concepts and how other characters go about describing them to him. They could really help in making characters more intersting).

Overall, I do really like what's going on here, and I do see potential, but you really need to work on your pacing and description abilties, because otherwise this story is confusing and far too short.

[Cederak]

Well, let's get this ECC charity review started! The Bohrok Chronicles was a strange read, to say the least. I'll get the spelling and grammar issues out of the way first and address storyline afterward. Having stumbled upon so many errors, I am begging you to use something like MS Word, a free equivalent, or become a super vigilant editor. Your future readers will thank you dearly.

I am in a cacoon of some kind,

Spelled: cocoon. You make this error two more times in the next paragraph.

sice I was reborn as a Bohrok.

Spelled: since

I've heard these brainwashing lines for millenia.

Spelled: millennia

I made it to the treeline and began my dreadful task.

Spelled: tree line

My shields of power have become clawed hand and I bein to grow in heighth.

Spelled: hands, being, height

Even I, the great Kharzahni

Spelled: Karzahni. You make this error two more times in the next paragraph.

a few metersd away at the end of a dock.

Spelled: meters

and I catch a glmpse of land.

Spelled: glimpse

Then I am overwhemled by memories, Voya Nui seperating from Karda Nui flooding the Universe Core,

Spelled: overwhelmed, separating

I see one of them, the are spiders.

Spelled: they

"We're gonna need some weapons if you're gonna wage war with the Makuta."

Spelled: going to

"Determination won't get us passed Rahkshi and Exo-Toa,"

Spelled: past

but you've gotta call me something, right?"

Spelled: got to

I see a reptillian creature dissolve at the end of a blue Rahkshi's staff.

Spelled: reptilian

"I wouldn't even wish it on a Zyglak."

I probably would.

I am tiring of this galavanting across the universe.

Spelled: gallivanting

I guess we never exchanged formal inrtoductions,

Spelled: introductions


Of this entire story, the one thing that stood out for me, above everything else, was your use of mental dialogue. Anyone speaking in Tavnok's mind had their dialogue quotation marks replaced with asterisks. I've never encountered that before and it was an interesting move with experimenting with your punctuation. You were consistent with it, so I'll give you that.

A big drawback to your plot, while feeling incredibly rushed, is how convenient everything is. It's painfully too convenient. Tavnok gets the memories you want him to have, right when you want him to have them, with the tired, cliché excuse of "he's getting his memories back" to justify it. This is obvious when he learns about Brutaka, and later somehow recalls memories that (by canon rules) are from the Time Slip and should've been permanently erased.

Another problem is how one-dimensional the characters are. No one has any real color to them or stand out in any specific way. Characterization would appear to have taken a backseat to pushing along your high-speed plot. Worse than that, however, is how sensibility took a backseat with it, such as Tavnok's blind willingness to jump through a dimensional portal, and Order members just giving their names out to anyone who comes near their headquarters.

You've got a story as scattered as Tavnok's memories, jumping all over the place without much explanation. Everyone is going through the motions and the puppeteer is quite plain to see in this instance. Characters need more conviction, more dimensionality to their motives, ideals, and experiences. And the plot can't be a long string of "Hey I remember [insert thing here], and let's go to [insert location here] where we'll meet [insert shoehorned canon character here]." Leave some mystery hanging in the air, rather than throw everything at the reader as soon as possible. Maybe I don't know Tavnok's whole back-story, but for having done and seen so much, you didn't make him interesting enough for me to be really invested in him. As a writer, no one wants to hear that, but having run through this epic a few times, I'd recommend heading back to the drawing board.

So let's recap for a second. Your characters need detail, your plot needs more sufficient structure, and your descriptions of scenes and locales is lacking as well. I'm pretty sure it's against BZP rules to post in a review topic with a completely negative scope, but I hope trying to steer you in the right direction with what's wrong and what needs fixing will convince you to improve your future work. I'd say Andrewnuva had some fine points for you to take into consideration too. I'm the last person to trivialize how challenging writing can be - it's a process and it demands a lot from you. Of course, like anything else, if you really want to excel at it, you'll practice, you'll revise, and you'll learn from past mistakes. Good luck, km.

-Ced

[Click]

I completely agree with what others have said. I've always loved the Bohrok, and I really like the perspective you're working with right now, and the plot is clever, but it is way too rushed. It's just Tavnok jumping all around the universe with little purpose other than "I remember this place, maybe it will help me get back to Karda Nui." More time at each place, descriptions, and just in general more fleshing out is needed for this. Maybe give them a reason to go to somewhere, other than the fact that it seems Tavnok is omniscient and remembers the names of every island in the MU just when he would need to go there, which I doubt the sheltered Av-Matoran would remember. So, just think about that.

And on other thing that kind of bugs me. When he swam all the way to the Pit (which I don't think is right next to Mata Nui, BTW), he suddenly mutated into a water breather and reverted his mutation slightly. 1. If he's a water breather, how on earth is he "gallivanting" all over the universe? and 2. Aren't Bohrok mechanical? Due to what we've seen, the Bohrok would a. decay at an increased rate, or b. not mutate at all, but I guess maybe Tavnok is special since he remembers his memories, and maybe he's still partially organic, and somehow got out of half of the mutation or something.

Don't get me wrong, I really like the story, and the plot and characters are brilliant, but when I read this, it feels like it's going a million miles an hour.