4 replies to this topic

[fishers64]

Story Topic

Reviews and whatnot appreciated. However, it is understandable if this is not reviewed due to its length.

Edited by fishers64, Mar 08 2012 - 11:40 PM.

[Maganar]

Even if it was only three chapters, I'm still surprised to find myself as the only reviewer as of yet. I liked the story and it had some great poignant messages. It was also wonderul to see some expansion into a largely undiscussed time period and, for that matter, world. The references to canon such as the Skrall shields made for nice little tie-ins and I always love it when there's a little nod to the established canon. My only complaint is this: with such a huge time period for unknown characters to be invented, Rappert was the only real unnamed character you invented. It would have been nice to see more. Then again, there wasn't a whole lot of room to characterize a host of new characters in such a short work, but I still think there could have been at least one or two other named characters of your own invention thrown in.

Anyway, I liked it!

[fishers64]

Even if it was only three chapters, I'm still surprised to find myself as the only reviewer as of yet. I liked the story and it had some great poignant messages. It was also wonderul to see some expansion into a largely undiscussed time period and, for that matter, world. The references to canon such as the Skrall shields made for nice little tie-ins and I always love it when there's a little nod to the established canon. My only complaint is this: with such a huge time period for unknown characters to be invented, Rappert was the only real unnamed character you invented. It would have been nice to see more. Then again, there wasn't a whole lot of room to characterize a host of new characters in such a short work, but I still think there could have been at least one or two other named characters of your own invention thrown in.

Anyway, I liked it!

Thank you very much for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

The reason I didn't throw in so many named characters was because I wanted to focus on Ackar and his journey. Also, there is probably a lot more 2009 documentation and storyline of canon battles then I am aware of, and I didn't want to trip all over the established canon by doing a bunch of battles and inserting random characters in the middle of them. Unfortunately, exploring the time period really wasn't what I was going for, instead the exploration of Glatorian and elemental powers.

[Steelsheen]

ECC Review:

Fishers64, I must admit that I have never been a fan of the Glatorian. I didn't even watch the fourth movie. So the fact that you have woven a tale about Bara Magna that I really enjoyed is much more impressive than it normally is. Ackar is a well-developed, well-explained, feeling, thinking character. As a reader, I felt his pain, his strange connection with fire, his thirst for revenge and later, his guilt. Well done!

I was very pleased to see that your spelling and grammar were in general very good, but I was blown away by your vocabulary! I love it when people use the "forgotten" words of the English language, and you have a bevy of them sprinkled throughout the story: ravished, raucous, aflame, stupor, liquefying, curtailed, seine, garish, sidled, claptrap, quipped, and foretaste, to name a few. You did, however, make a few mistakes here and there. (oh, and watch for missing commas and periods, especially at the end of dialogue)

From chapter 1-
"That guy. Some Great Being dipped him in a pit of power, and now he's our 'Great Leader' now. Now he's gotten us into a war over some silvery magic stuff that's supposed to make us the 'envy of the Great Beings'. Don't find me a leader; find me an escape route."

Corrected-
"That guy! Some Great Being dipped him in a pit of power and now he's our 'Great Leader'. He gets us into a war over some silvery magic stuff that's supposed to make us the 'envy of the Great Beings'. Don't find me a leader; find me an escape route."

You've got three "now"s right next to each other, two of which are in the same sentence relating to the same participle. Also, present tense works better for the last half of Ackar's paragraph.

From chapter 1-
... the eager voices of Agori, talking of heroic deeds of Legend and saying, Yes, this will be even greater.

Corrected-
... the eager voices of Agori, talking of heroic deeds of Legend and saying, "Yes, this will be even greater."

You might want to make clear exactly what will be greater this time.

From chapter 1-
"No!" caroused the Glatorian and Agori.

To carouse means to drink alcohol deeply and frequently. I'm pretty sure you meant to put some other word here. Perhaps "chorused"?

From chapter 1-
There was a good deal of chuckles at that. "They always tell us the big battle is tomorrow" said one of the smaller Agori.

Corrected-
There were a good many chuckles at that. "They always tell us the big battle is tomorrow," said one of the smaller Agori.

From chapter 1-
Their dread and expectation would make a story of its own, far greater then any of him and Rappert's old tricks.

Corrected-
Their dread and expectation would make a story of its own, far greater then any of his and Rappert's old tricks.

From chapter 1-
Ackar leaped to his feet and pulled his energy launcher from his place by his palette, aiming in preparation for unseen enemies.
emphasis added

"Palette" is a word, but it means the board an artist uses to hold paints. I think, judging by this and the other time you use this word, you meant "pallet", which is another word for cot or mattress.

From chapter 1-
"I've got this, Ackar." Without another word, he charged towards the flap, plunging his blade into the Skrall. Ackar ran after him, shooting as much as he could, and then pulling blades and using his bare hands.

I think the action of charging is Rappert's, but it should be clarified; the pronouns are hard to follow.

From chapter 1-
Fire Agori and Glatorian in various states of undress used anything they could reach...

Corrected-
Fire Agori and Glatorian in various stages of getting dressed used anything they could reach...

From chapter 1-
One particularly resourceful group of Agori snagged a group of Skrall in a falling-down tent and set it aflame (The point was lost when the Skrall hacked their way out).

Rule of thumb: never, ever use a parenthetical in narration. You, as the narrator, should not have to amend or add to your thoughts - it should be already planned out.

From chapter 1-
Skrall paused in whatever task they happened to be engaged in to gawk and jeer: “Vulcanus’ pride and joy, right there.” “Our Skrall brother’s got a little taglong.” Raucous laughter.

"Raucous laughter" really isn't complete because it's only an action. A sentence needs both a subject (noun) and an action (verb).

From chapter 1-
The water pail banged against the tub of it as Ackar dragged himself away.

Corrected-
The water pail banged against the tub as Ackar dragged himself away.

From chapter 1-
He jumped. To a standing position. The metal came free, liquefying some of the slush on the floor.

The first two sentences should be combined into one.

From chapter 2-
The Glatorian looked down at the ashes of the broken Tesaran, knowing yet a many battles to come…

Corrected-
The Glatorian looked down at the ashes of the broken Tesaran, knowing there were many battles yet to come…

From chapter 3-
An Agori extended his head behind the door. “There’s a fire brewing in the northern side of camp. Raanu says that there is a Glatorian who started it who has gone crazy.”

Corrected-
An Agori extended his head behind the door. “There’s a fire brewing in the northern side of camp. Raanu says that the Glatorian who started it has gone crazy.”

You have the culture and climate that the Agori and Glatorian live in very well laid out in your head, and it shows in how you crafted this epic. The similes you use in both narration and in dialogue are often original and descriptive. I liked that you took the time to add a bit of ironic humor to what might be otherwise a fairly dark story.

“I hear the vine-weaving Agori are joining the war.”
“Oh, the tree-chopping Glatorian. I’m trembling in my booties.”

“Precisely” said Malum. “Up for a match?”
“Anytime. Of course, I have to meet with His Lordness first.”

Just as a tip, you might want to put a link to the review topic in the epic topic; it makes it easier for people to give you feedback. And then pray that none of them will be as long-winded as I was!

Above all, I liked that you gave the story a resolution which was not necessarily a "happily-ever-after ending". Ackar still carries his scars, and has to learn to live on; to find a new purpose to fight for. He still has some issues with the Toa, and even with his own people. But we, the readers, are confident that he will summit that challenge, too. Can I say again, well done!

-HH

Edited by Hahli Historian, Apr 18 2012 - 11:35 PM.

[fishers64]

Thanks for the review!

Fishers64, I must admit that I have never been a fan of the Glatorian. I didn't even watch the fourth movie. So the fact that you have woven a tale about Bara Magna that I really enjoyed is much more impressive than it normally is. Ackar is a well-developed, well-explained, feeling, thinking character. As a reader, I felt his pain, his strange connection with fire, his thirst for revenge and later, his guilt. Well done!

I'm glad that you were able to enjoy this. 
The Glatorian didn't have to be cookie-cutter archetypes; their culture could have been fleshed out better and explored more IMO. It should be easier to relate to them as characters, because they are closer to what we are - organic beings on a planet, but it wasn't because of how the story was told.  

Just as a tip, you might want to put a link to the review topic in the epic topic; it makes it easier for people to give you feedback. And then pray that none of them will be as long-winded as I was!

The review topic link was at the end of the first two chapters, but not at the end of the third chapter, where it most needed to be. Murphy lives. 

I went through and fixed that, along with a few of the typos/grammatical issues you pointed out. One thing I'll say is that sparing use of sentence fragments in narration I've been told is sometimes good for effect, so I haven't forced my writing style to avoid it.