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Wordmeister

Review Topic - Rock Bottom

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You've got a very hooking intro so far. I like it. It's also nice to see some expansion on the Mahri Nui saga, which I felt was one of the less relatable years for Bionicle.


Every hero is born from his enemy; every leader, his followers; and every father, his children.

 

 


 


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I'm aware of that fact. To be honest, I never saw the logic in that. Did they all hit their heads as the went down? And since my initial plan was simply to rewrite the story (note that that's not how the story ended up), I decided to change it. You'll notice a few other minor differences from the canon as the story progresses.

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Really exciting chapter! But if I have one gripe, it's Defilak's Chutespeak. It seems like you're just combining synonyms, which is part of the dialect, but not all of it. You can also combine nouns and verbs, nouns and adjectives, and verbs and adjectives. For example, this quote:

 

“Not quite-exactly,” he answered. “But the floor hatch-door will work just as fine, as long as the ship-craft remains stable. Water won’t move up through it, because the air has nowhere else to go. Like the pool in my workshop.”

 

Could be made a bit more expressive in terms of its Chutespeak, like this:

 

“Not quite-exactly,” he answered. “But the floor-hatch will air-hold fine, as long as the dive-ship level-stays. Pit-water won’t up-flow, because the air can't out-flee. Like the dive-pool in my craft-shop.”


( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) -Takuaka: Toa of Time

What if the Toa you know best were not destined to be? Interchange: The epic begins

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I am loving this story right now.

It's too bad Sarda died.

I eagerly await the next update.

Cool, glad you're enjoying it!

 

Really exciting chapter! But if I have one gripe, it's Defilak's Chutespeak. It seems like you're just combining synonyms, which is part of the dialect, but not all of it. You can also combine nouns and verbs, nouns and adjectives, and verbs and adjectives. For example, this quote:

 

“Not quite-exactly,” he answered. “But the floor hatch-door will work just as fine, as long as the ship-craft remains stable. Water won’t move up through it, because the air has nowhere else to go. Like the pool in my workshop.”

 

Could be made a bit more expressive in terms of its Chutespeak, like this:

 

“Not quite-exactly,” he answered. “But the floor-hatch will air-hold fine, as long as the dive-ship level-stays. Pit-water won’t up-flow, because the air can't out-flee. Like the dive-pool in my craft-shop.”

Well, according to the official canon (as I recall reading in several places), Defilak only has a partial accent, since he was only in Metru Nui for a short time. In the Mahri Nui books and comics, his Chutespeak wasn't nearly as pronounced as say, Lewa or Kongu's.

 

Also, I've been meaning to go through and revise his Chutespeak in the earlier chapters (I've already done so in Chapter 1), as it always came across as clunky and awkward the way I originally wrote it.

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Wait, that's it? D:

 

You really have a knack for communicating emotion in this. Plus, I can't help but love how well you painted the underwater setting of it.

 

On to criticism though, I feel like the storyline is a bit lacking, if this really is the end. I'm left wondering who this new Glace is, and how he plays into Mahri Nui's story, and when will the Toa Igniki show up. That's really my only issue though. :)


Every hero is born from his enemy; every leader, his followers; and every father, his children.

 

 


 


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Wait, that's it? D:

 

You really have a knack for communicating emotion in this. Plus, I can't help but love how well you painted the underwater setting of it.

 

On to criticism though, I feel like the storyline is a bit lacking, if this really is the end. I'm left wondering who this new Glace is, and how he plays into Mahri Nui's story, and when will the Toa Igniki show up. That's really my only issue though. :)

Well, this is just the start of the story, the first chapter. I've already begun writing the sequel and intend to start releasing sometime in early 2015. That, and there's still the Epilogue that I'll release next week, probably sometime Friday or Thursday as I'm leaving for vacation over the weekend. ;)

 

But I'm glad that the emotion was conveyed, I was worried the scene(s?) were too bland. It's good to know it worked. :D

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Aww, it's over? Anyway, I thought Glace had a Kaukau.

For now. ;)

 

Well, he does. It's just a secondary mask, like the Toa Mata had. His main Kanohi is the Mask of Intangibility, which he switched back to before going into battle. There wasn't really a way to work that into the chapter, but that's what's up. If you have an idea on how to fit it in there I'd be greatly obliged. ;)

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