Wordmeister Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 (edited) This is the official review topic for Rock Bottom. Please leave feedback, recommendations and suggestions for later story serials! Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Epilogue Edited December 2, 2014 by DeltaStriker Quote Rock Bottom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gifthammer Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 You've got a very hooking intro so far. I like it. It's also nice to see some expansion on the Mahri Nui saga, which I felt was one of the less relatable years for Bionicle. Quote Every hero is born from his enemy; every leader, his followers; and every father, his children. Metru Nui: the Fall My 3D printing designs on Thingiverse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wordmeister Posted October 14, 2014 Author Share Posted October 14, 2014 I'm glad you're enjoying it. That was my initial intention, to expand on the Mahri Nui storyline, which hasn't gotten a lot of love either in the canon or fanon for that matter. Quote Rock Bottom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akavakaku Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Nice job telling this untold chapter of Bionicle! But I'd like to mention the Matoran of Mahri Nui lost all their memories in the Great Disaster. Quote ( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) -Takuaka: Toa of TimeWhat if the Toa you know best were not destined to be? Interchange: The epic begins Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wordmeister Posted October 17, 2014 Author Share Posted October 17, 2014 I'm aware of that fact. To be honest, I never saw the logic in that. Did they all hit their heads as the went down? And since my initial plan was simply to rewrite the story (note that that's not how the story ended up), I decided to change it. You'll notice a few other minor differences from the canon as the story progresses. Quote Rock Bottom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wordmeister Posted October 22, 2014 Author Share Posted October 22, 2014 The second chapter is up, sorry for the wait. I was busy Saturday. Quote Rock Bottom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wordmeister Posted October 26, 2014 Author Share Posted October 26, 2014 (edited) Chapter 3 is posted as well, only a day late this time. Edited October 26, 2014 by DeltaStriker Quote Rock Bottom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Onaku Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I am loving this story right now. It's too bad Sarda died. I eagerly await the next update. Quote BZPRPG Profiles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akavakaku Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Really exciting chapter! But if I have one gripe, it's Defilak's Chutespeak. It seems like you're just combining synonyms, which is part of the dialect, but not all of it. You can also combine nouns and verbs, nouns and adjectives, and verbs and adjectives. For example, this quote: “Not quite-exactly,” he answered. “But the floor hatch-door will work just as fine, as long as the ship-craft remains stable. Water won’t move up through it, because the air has nowhere else to go. Like the pool in my workshop.” Could be made a bit more expressive in terms of its Chutespeak, like this: “Not quite-exactly,” he answered. “But the floor-hatch will air-hold fine, as long as the dive-ship level-stays. Pit-water won’t up-flow, because the air can't out-flee. Like the dive-pool in my craft-shop.” Quote ( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) -Takuaka: Toa of TimeWhat if the Toa you know best were not destined to be? Interchange: The epic begins Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wordmeister Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 I am loving this story right now. It's too bad Sarda died. I eagerly await the next update. Cool, glad you're enjoying it! Really exciting chapter! But if I have one gripe, it's Defilak's Chutespeak. It seems like you're just combining synonyms, which is part of the dialect, but not all of it. You can also combine nouns and verbs, nouns and adjectives, and verbs and adjectives. For example, this quote: “Not quite-exactly,” he answered. “But the floor hatch-door will work just as fine, as long as the ship-craft remains stable. Water won’t move up through it, because the air has nowhere else to go. Like the pool in my workshop.” Could be made a bit more expressive in terms of its Chutespeak, like this: “Not quite-exactly,” he answered. “But the floor-hatch will air-hold fine, as long as the dive-ship level-stays. Pit-water won’t up-flow, because the air can't out-flee. Like the dive-pool in my craft-shop.” Well, according to the official canon (as I recall reading in several places), Defilak only has a partial accent, since he was only in Metru Nui for a short time. In the Mahri Nui books and comics, his Chutespeak wasn't nearly as pronounced as say, Lewa or Kongu's. Also, I've been meaning to go through and revise his Chutespeak in the earlier chapters (I've already done so in Chapter 1), as it always came across as clunky and awkward the way I originally wrote it. Quote Rock Bottom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akavakaku Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Oh! Didn't realize it was intentional, sorry! Quote ( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) -Takuaka: Toa of TimeWhat if the Toa you know best were not destined to be? Interchange: The epic begins Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wordmeister Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 Yes, it was intentional. No worries. And Chapter 4 is posted! Right on time this week. Quote Rock Bottom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akavakaku Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 Wow... Super scary chapter, and I see you've embellished Kalmah a little. Quote ( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) -Takuaka: Toa of TimeWhat if the Toa you know best were not destined to be? Interchange: The epic begins Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wordmeister Posted November 3, 2014 Author Share Posted November 3, 2014 Wow... Super scary chapter, and I see you've embellished Kalmah a little. Just a bit. ;p Quote Rock Bottom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wordmeister Posted November 8, 2014 Author Share Posted November 8, 2014 Chapter 5 released on time as well. Quote Rock Bottom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wordmeister Posted November 16, 2014 Author Share Posted November 16, 2014 (edited) A day late, due to a lack of time yesterday, but the climactic conclusion of Rock Bottom has been posted! Read Chapter 6 today! Edited November 16, 2014 by DeltaStriker Quote Rock Bottom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gifthammer Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Wait, that's it? D: You really have a knack for communicating emotion in this. Plus, I can't help but love how well you painted the underwater setting of it. On to criticism though, I feel like the storyline is a bit lacking, if this really is the end. I'm left wondering who this new Glace is, and how he plays into Mahri Nui's story, and when will the Toa Igniki show up. That's really my only issue though. Quote Every hero is born from his enemy; every leader, his followers; and every father, his children. Metru Nui: the Fall My 3D printing designs on Thingiverse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wordmeister Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 Wait, that's it? D: You really have a knack for communicating emotion in this. Plus, I can't help but love how well you painted the underwater setting of it. On to criticism though, I feel like the storyline is a bit lacking, if this really is the end. I'm left wondering who this new Glace is, and how he plays into Mahri Nui's story, and when will the Toa Igniki show up. That's really my only issue though. Well, this is just the start of the story, the first chapter. I've already begun writing the sequel and intend to start releasing sometime in early 2015. That, and there's still the Epilogue that I'll release next week, probably sometime Friday or Thursday as I'm leaving for vacation over the weekend. But I'm glad that the emotion was conveyed, I was worried the scene(s?) were too bland. It's good to know it worked. Quote Rock Bottom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akavakaku Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Aww, it's over? Anyway, I thought Glace had a Kaukau. Quote ( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) -Takuaka: Toa of TimeWhat if the Toa you know best were not destined to be? Interchange: The epic begins Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wordmeister Posted November 18, 2014 Author Share Posted November 18, 2014 Aww, it's over? Anyway, I thought Glace had a Kaukau. For now. Well, he does. It's just a secondary mask, like the Toa Mata had. His main Kanohi is the Mask of Intangibility, which he switched back to before going into battle. There wasn't really a way to work that into the chapter, but that's what's up. If you have an idea on how to fit it in there I'd be greatly obliged. Quote Rock Bottom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wordmeister Posted December 2, 2014 Author Share Posted December 2, 2014 (edited) At at last, I've found the time to post the Epilogue. The story can be read in it's entirety here! As always, feedback is much appreciated. Edited December 2, 2014 by DeltaStriker Quote Rock Bottom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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