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Deep Into Darkness

My SSC #8 entry.

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#1 Offline Darthbrandon

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Posted Nov 28 2011 - 08:33 PM

This is the first Short Story that i have put effort into. I am used to writing ONLY screenplays, so Novelization is new to me. But I had this idea for a short story, and decided I'd just enter and hope for the best. PLEASE only give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, as this is my first REAL short story.

DEEP INTO DARKNESS

Five Toa wandered aimlessly as the wind blew in the distance. Lhikan looked around the cold, white surface of Ko-Metru. They were all breathing heavily, and their breath was almost as white as the snow.“Lhikan, what exactly is our plan?” asked the Toa of Air standing beside Lhikan, “We’ve been wondering around in the snow all day”.Lhikan turns to his partner, then to a Toa of Ice holding a map.“Icru, have you figured out where the cave is?” asked Lhikan.Icru taught the Ko-Matoran Thinkers. He’d take them on exploration missions all over Metru Nui, so it was safe to assume that he knew where he was going.“It’s close. But this blizzard may have buried the entrance” answered Icru as he pointed to a mark on his crystallized-map.“If it’s buried, then how will we find it?” retorted Nidhiki as he rubbed his hands in the cold, “you thinkers are all the same, always with your heads in the clouds!’Icru ignored this insult and continued to walk ahead of the rest of his team. Suddenly a large cracking sound echoed in the air. All five Toa stopped cold.Without warning Icru fell through a hole in the ice. Down, down, he falls through layers and layers until he finally hits the ground.From above, Lhikan calls down to the fallen Toa of Ice, “Icru, are you all right? We’re going to try to find a safe way down “.Icru slowly stands up, his legs aching from the fall. He looks around the hole he fell into, observing a long, narrow passageway heading down deep into darkness.Back on the surface, Lhikan and Nidhiki prepare a rope as two other Toa check the ground for more cracks.In the hole, Icru takes out his map and silently points out the entrance of the cave he was searching for. He smiles and calls up to the other Toa.“Lhikan, it’s here!” Icru shouted into the air. “This is the cave we were looking for!”“We’re coming down now!” Lhikan answered.The four toa prepare the rope and one by one they rappel down the long, frozen hole. Icru points out the entrance to the cave.“That cave will lead us to what you need,” Icru said.“What exactly do we need?” Naho, the Toa of Water asked.“We are looking for a mask,” Lhikan replied “a very rare mask”.The five toa walk down the dark pathway as Lhikan continues his story. “The Mask of Generation,” was supposedly created by The Great Beings to help in any possible war”.“Supposedly created?” Krakua, the Toa of Sonics questioned.“Well, it has never been used,” Lhikan answered “unlike other Legendary Masks, no recorded history has ever confirmed it to have been found. However, records have been made to where it was placed”.After only a few minutes, the path becomes pitch black, and the toa stop. Lhikan ignites his fire swords, creating a torch to light the way.“So we are supposed to trust the Thinker, who was stupid enough to fall into a hole?” Nidhiki sarcastically comments.“Watch it, Nidhiki!” Icru angrily replies.Nidhiki and Icru glare at each other.“Icru, just keep your eyes on the map,” said Lhikan.“So, what exactly can this mask do to help us?” Krakua asked.“The mask can generate organic life forms that follow the orders of anyone who wears the mask,” Lhikan replies. “These life forms are extremely hard to kill”.The toa continue down the path, eventually coming to a dead end.“Are you sure the mask is here?” Naho asks.“Yeah, it’s on the map,” Icru replies “We have to find the secret entrance. It should be marked in ancient coding”.The toa look around the dark area, each searching the walls for the coding. Krakua stops, focusing his eyes on the wall in front of him. It is a nearlytransparent ice wall, with a row of six round symbols. He calls Icru over to translate the codes.Icru reads the codes for some time, eventually coming to a conclusion.“This is it,” Icru announces “The Gendii, the Mask of Generation. It is hidden right through this ice wall”.“How do you suppose we break through without causing a cave-in?” Krakua asks.“I guess that leaves you out, sound-wave!” Nidhiki laughs.“Shut it, Nidhiki,” Lhikan scoffs. “I will slowly melt through the wall with one of my swords”.The other toa silently agree as Lhikan uses his burning sword to deliberately melts through the wall. The ice glows red and water drips around Lhikan’s feet. Eventually he burns a large hole through the wall. He lowers his sword and leads the way into the hole.There it was. Sitting on top of a small shrine, was the Legendary Gendii. The platinum mask sat glowing in the darkness. It had a weird essence to it; almost as if it was alive.“Who wants to test it out first?” Naho asks.Lhikan instinctively reaches for the mask. Icru quickly grabs his hand inches from the mask.“I must warn you, we have no idea what the mask might do when touched,” Icru warns Lhikan “Proceed with caution”.Lhikan nods his head, and continues to reach for the mask. He picks it up, nothing happens. He begins to put on the mask, and then he stops abruptly.He looks around. A snarling sound echoes throughout the cave.“What in Mata Nui’s name is going on?” Nidhiki nervously asks.Lhikan brightens the light from his sword. Standing right in front of him is a cave dweller, its glowing red eyes stare right back at Lhikan.Suddenly the creature kicks Lhikan hard into the wall, causing him to drop the mask. Lhikan gets up, realizing that he, Icru, and Nidhiki are surrounded.Without hesitation, Lhikan fires a blast at the creatures; it doesn’t affect them at all.“Icru, I want you to take the mask and get out of here,” Lhikan whispers “Nidhiki and Naho will watch your back”.“What about you and Krakua?” Icru whispers back.“We’ll handle these guys, just get out!” Lhikan answers.Icru, Nidhiki, and Naho slowly inch their way back. The creatures do not move at all.“On my command, I want you to emit a sonic blast,” Lhikan says to Krakua.“But that could cause a cave-in,” Krakua questions.“Just do it, I can shield us,” Lhikan answers.The creatures slowly move in for the kill, drooling in hunger as they lift their sharp claws.“Go, NOW!” Lhikan shouts.A large sound wave echoes through the cave, everything stops, even time. A few seconds later, Nidhiki, Icru, and Naho charge down the pathway as thecave rumbles beneath their feet.Back in the shrine, Krakua and Lhikan are busy fighting off the cave-dwellers. As they are killed, it appears that more are created in their place.“These guys just keep coming!” Krakua shouts.“We can’t win this fight!” Lhikan shouts back.Rocks and ice fall from above, nearly trapping the toa on several occasions.“We have to get out of here, now!” Lhikan yells as he fights off three more creatures.Icru, Nidhiki, and Naho reach their rappel site at the entrance to the cave. They proceed to climb up the icy slope.Lhikan and Krakua fight their way down the path deep in the passageways. Red beams of fire blast through the cave. The creatures press on, barley affected by the blasts. The two toa finally arrive at the rappel site. Krakua goes first, quickly climbing up the rope.On the surface, Nidhiki watches as his brother crawls out.The cave begins to collapse on Lhikan and the creatures. With no time to lose, Lhikan grabs the rope and starts to climb. Suddenly he slips halfway down the hole.“He’s slipping! Pull him up!” Krakua shouts to Nidhiki.Nidhiki quickly pulls him out of the hole just as it closes up, trapping the creatures in the cave.Lhikan slowly stands on his feet as he catches his breath. “Did you save the mask?” he asks, nearly out of breath.Icru holds up the shining mask. It gleams in the sunlight. Lhikan lets out a faint smile, and then sits back down on the snow.The blizzard slowly fades away, revealing the Knowledge Towers of Ko-Metru standing in the distance.“So what do we do now?” Naho asks.“We take the mask to Turaga Dume. He’ll know what to do with it,” Lhikan replies.Lhikan stares out into the distance. The sun shines brightly, reflecting off the snow.Deep in the closed hole nearby, a faint growling is heard. Suddenly all is quite; the growling stops. The five toa exchange wary glances as they trudge through the sparkling snow toward The Coliseum to meet Turaga Dume.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Thanks for reading. Leave any comments or construstive critisism below. :)

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#2 Online Click

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Posted Dec 01 2011 - 12:18 AM

This was a great story, and I can sympathize with you for going for a while without a response. I didn't notice any errors, but I'm not a grammar Nazi. The plot was great, and I hope to see you writing more! The plot moved quickly from beginning to end just like a short story should, and you didn't leave too much out. That was also a really clever mask idea, I'm wondering if it generated the Cave Dwellers to protect it now. Another amazing entry, I hope you win!
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#3 Offline Darthbrandon

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Posted Dec 01 2011 - 01:33 PM

This was a great story, and I can sympathize with you for going for a while without a response. I didn't notice any errors, but I'm not a grammar Nazi. The plot was great, and I hope to see you writing more! The plot moved quickly from beginning to end just like a short story should, and you didn't leave too much out. That was also a really clever mask idea, I'm wondering if it generated the Cave Dwellers to protect it now. Another amazing entry, I hope you win!

I kept that part open for interpretation, but the Mask DID in face create the cave Dwellers.

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I'm BACK!!!!!!!!
PM me if you want your comics or movie's reviewed by a guy who loves Bum Reviews!
Posted ImageP.S. I am not Doug Walker, nor do I claim to be.

Dark709 Fanmovie CHECK OUT DARK709's COMICS AND MOVIES!
Darthbrandon14's "ESCAPE FROM DARKNESS", coming soon
IF YOU WANT TO GUEST STAR, PM ME ASAP! GIVE ME A "RAZOR" SPRITESHEET! DON'T POST IN MY COMICS!
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