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The Charge

A tale of war

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9 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Jedi Gali

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Posted Oct 13 2011 - 07:23 PM

I heard them. I heard the words that signaled the beginning of the end. The beginning of death. I swallowed hard, clenched my hand tight around the reins, and just- stopped. Around me, other companies of cavalry and foot soldiers, captains and pikemen surged forward into the brewing storm. Veterans and newcomers alike plunged straight into the jaws of the lion, each unwavering in their commitment to their ultimate fate. And in that moment, I couldn’t think. I could only see images of them, the soldiers. Kissing their wives goodbye, saying hello to their newborn child, playing in the street as a child, sharpening their blades. I saw them dying. I saw their wives weeping. I saw their children crying, “Where’s daddy?” A tremor of fear coursed through my body. Throughout my entire life, I had been known as the strongest, the best, and the bravest. In my mind’s eye, I could still see that wide-eyed cadet glancing up at me, admiration shining in his eyes. On the outside, I was years apart from that cadet, both in age and experience. But when it came down to this moment, on the inside, I knew I possessed that same clammy sense of fear that threatened to overtake my senses. I had faced countless battles, hundreds of covert extractions, and innumerable brushes with death. Yet never before had I held the lives of literally thousands in my scarred hand. Whether they would ever return home to see their families… that would be decided by just a few men. Now that I was called “General”, I was the one who possessed that responsibility, that duty. Just as diving headfirst into a pit of vipers was deadly, so too was waiting on the edge, ignorant of the horde of scorpions at my back. I couldn’t afford to hesitate. Not any longer. I raised my sword high into the air. “Heaven forgive me,” I whispered to myself. And then I shouted that word that would forever haunt me. “CHARGE!” **** Though I'll probably not have too much time for Bzpower, I'll try and linger around in the Library, both writing and reviewing when I can. However, my short stories won't likely be BIONICLE based... unless I get in a random mood and inspiration hits me. That said... it's good to be back, ya'll. :kaukau: -JG
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Toa of the New Republic ~ The Collision of Two Worlds

The body of Orkham dangling from a vine. Shamiir’s corpse, his chest nearly split in half. One by one, the bodies of his friends and squad mates flashed by till he realized the horrible truth... They were all dead but two.
...

Murder From Within

#2 Offline Lavama

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Posted Oct 13 2011 - 07:29 PM

Alright, I've heard of you before for sure. And I enjoyed your past work ages ago. And this is incredible! Good job! ^_^
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"Boss! Da needle is pointin' in da red! Dat ain't good!"
"Course it's good ya squealin' runt! Red goes fastah!"


Orks... Such wonderfully simple creatures.

#3 Offline (Daedalus)

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Posted Oct 13 2011 - 07:46 PM

*Incoming Transmission* Awesome as always, Jedi Gali. Short, but awesome. *End Transmission*
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9:30 PM

My headlights illuminate a large white gate,

closed and locked, admission blocked—

A thousand spiders crawl up my spine.

With chattering teeth I brave the chill

and approach the gate. Gunshots and guffaws

crowd my senses—distant, yet near.

Phobos and Deimos sing in my ear,

and I hunch my shoulders to shoo them away;

unsuccessful, I fumble for keys in a tight denim pocket—

A thousand spiders crawl up my spine.

Noises draw near, elicitors of fear.

I find the ring and unsteadily bring

it out. Sticking my arms between wrought iron bars,

I find the padlock. I take a deep breath and send up a prayer.

I insert the key and try to give it a turn—

A thousand and one.


#4 Offline MICKSTER

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Posted Oct 13 2011 - 08:06 PM

This is good stuff. I always like reading your stories. It's great to "see" you back. :biggrin:
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QUOTE
It is by riding a bicycle that you learn the contours of a country best, since you have to sweat up the hills and coast down them. Thus you remember them as they actually are, while in a motor car only a high hill impresses you, and you have no such accurate remembrance of country you have driven through as you gain by riding a bicycle. -Ernest Hemingway.

#5 Offline Zeppelin

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Posted Oct 13 2011 - 09:20 PM

I like this story. It's obviously not long, and it's got a pretty vague setting and characters, which I can see is what you were going for. But, everything else was well described, especially the sad and dreary mood. I'm glad to see some sort of story on BZP so soon.
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#6 Offline Jedi Gali

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Posted Oct 13 2011 - 10:31 PM

Alright, I've heard of you before for sure. And I enjoyed your past work ages ago. And this is incredible! Good job! ^_^

Aw, thank you so much! It's amazing anyone remembers me... I've been nearly inactive for the past few years. I really appreciate your support!

*Incoming Transmission* Awesome as always, Jedi Gali. Short, but awesome. *End Transmission*

Daedalus! Thank you for the encouragement!!

This is good stuff. I always like reading your stories. It's great to "see" you back. :biggrin:

Thank you, Mickster!! It's nice knowing someone will read my stories.. :) And it's good to 'see' you back as well!!

I like this story. It's obviously not long, and it's got a pretty vague setting and characters, which I can see is what you were going for. But, everything else was well described, especially the sad and dreary mood. I'm glad to see some sort of story on BZP so soon.

Thanks for the reply, Zeppelin! But, I do have a confession...I actually have had a little cache of stories written; this was just one of them. :D But I'm planning on writing a lot more, and putting up some of them. Thank you again, everyone! Ya'll have no idea how encouraging this was... Methinks it's time to do some more writing! :kaukau: -JG

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Toa of the New Republic ~ The Collision of Two Worlds

The body of Orkham dangling from a vine. Shamiir’s corpse, his chest nearly split in half. One by one, the bodies of his friends and squad mates flashed by till he realized the horrible truth... They were all dead but two.
...

Murder From Within

#7 Offline Grant-Sud

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 12:39 AM

Oooh, very well done. Great read, short but it all wraps up nicely. Also to be honest the last three lines sum up the whole point and hold the most impact.
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#8 Offline Jedi Gali

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Posted Oct 15 2011 - 11:17 PM

Oooh, very well done. Great read, short but it all wraps up nicely. Also to be honest the last three lines sum up the whole point and hold the most impact.

Thankee' much, Grant-Sud! Yeah, I definitely put the "short" in this SS... :kaukau: -JG

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Toa of the New Republic ~ The Collision of Two Worlds

The body of Orkham dangling from a vine. Shamiir’s corpse, his chest nearly split in half. One by one, the bodies of his friends and squad mates flashed by till he realized the horrible truth... They were all dead but two.
...

Murder From Within

#9 Offline Israeli Toa

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Posted Oct 27 2011 - 02:18 PM

I like this one. (Of course, you know I've read it before :)) Haunting, vivid, emotion-drenched. And somehow, even though I don't know his name or what he's fighting for, I feel like I know him as a brother. Well done. ^_^:tohu:-IT
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"What in Kenobi’s name is a Nui-Rama?!" -- Zinyo Tahkanir, Jedi Knight --Toa of the New Republic
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Hachaian Winds -- Tiki's Journey -- Toa United
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Props to Asher for the banner!

#10 Offline Velox

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Posted Oct 03 2012 - 11:04 PM

Hey there, JG. Your story has been chosen for an Official SSCC Charity Review!My first impression after finishing this? It was great. And that's a good thing for a story as short as this, because often times with flash fiction you feel like it was too flashy, like there needed to be more to it, more explanation, more something. But here I felt satisfaction -- it didn't need to be longer. Sure, you could have explained more about the character, you could've explained more about the situation, but you didn't have to -- it all worked out very well.The best part about this short story, I thought, was the characterization -- something I wouldn't normally say for a piece this short (another exception would be "To Fly" by Peach 00). I thought it was done very well here -- the reader really got a sense of the character's thoughts and feelings, especially when facing a huge decision, but also just to war and life in general. We only got a few sentences about him, yet just from that I feel like I really know him -- the challenges he faced in the past, the struggles he has now with his decision, and, most importantly, why. Why did he feel fear, someone who was the best? And you answered that, while not distracting from the dread the story brings, the severity of his situation and the lives of everyone there.The ending was also very well done. As I mentioned earlier, it wasn't downplayed by you going off on a tangent about the character's past, but rather, it was still just as powerful and just as emotional. Yes, very predictable, but very well-done all the same. On that note, the descriptions and diction as a whole was quite well done throughout. I've always liked your writing style, and this story doesn't disappoint. The flow of the words and how they're placed together definitely make for an enjoyable read, coupled with the plot and characterization, etc.I know I'm going kind of backwards here, but you also had a very strong opening. The first line in particular I liked as it is very true, and definitely fits the situation without sounding cliche or anything. The sounds that announce the beginning of the attack, which will ultimately lead to death; the end. Right off the bat it creates a sense of dread and fear that remains the whole story, up until the very last line which finishes it nicely. Throughout the story you played with emotions well. The images of the soldiers, the fear, the looming sense of doom, and of course, finally, the making of the decision that the general knows may very well end the lives of many. Which wraps up the characterization very well. I guess there is one thing I'd like to know, though: Why did he have to signal the charge? I think it could've created more emotional impact if you realized just how hard of a decision it was for him to make...that even though he knew all that may happen, he also knew that he still must do it. And you definitely showed that, but just not specifically.One other quick thing I'd like to point out is when you say "...and just- stopped". It's mostly just a personal preference, but I think the dash should be longer "just-- stopped". The single, short dash makes it look like it's supposed to be a hyphened word. I also thought it was interesting how you mentioned "covert extractions". Mostly because we don't think of time periods like this (swords, horses, etc.) as having covert extractions, but rather only modern day CIA and whatnot. But it's very true, I'm sure there were covert extractions even in time periods like this. It would definitely make for an interesting story, too, if you ever wanted to write it.Overall, as I've said, this was a very well-written piece, and I definitely look forward to reading more of your work. Come around here more often, eh?Posted Image
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"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender


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