Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!

Photo

The Best Kept Secrets Review Topic

The Best Kept Secrets

  • Please log in to reply
49 replies to this topic

#41 Offline Nick Silverpen

Nick Silverpen
  • Members
  • Emerging Flying Force

  • 2,211 posts
  •  

Posted Apr 16 2012 - 10:10 PM

Hello, Wretched Automaton! I've been seeing the banner among the forums, and I've been trying to get back into the epics forum for a while, (heh, despite my name I haven't really written anything big in a while) but nevertheless! I figured that it was a good title, first off. And it's got me hooked.Just wow right now. I've been thinking of the Restored Spherus Magna as a whole different perspective, but youve done wonders to it. Despite a month of being formed, the society seems like it has been that way for years. I love the way it flows between MU inhabitants and Glatorian/Agori. The plot runs smoothly, at a satisfying pace, and you express your characters' emotions well through dialogue, its hooking and catchy. I enjoy your description as well; its pretty balanced, between talking and action.Character-wise, I love the two Vortixx, and how they infuriate everyone else in the story. They have great one liners and speeches in here, and their whole psychological point of view is amazing. Ackar is neat to watch as well, because of his development and connections from the Legend Reborn. I would like to see more development in Bomonga's character, but I can wait. I love your style, because it has a very fine feel to it. It shows you know how to write. Little phrases you have here and there keep me interested, and I can't wait to see more. The chapters are probably longer than they seem, but they are pretty good.You have me hooked, and I can't wait for more. Every... Saturday, do you post?~NS
  • 0

#42 Offline The Dandy Automaton

The Dandy Automaton
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • FFM Bionicle Winner

  • 8,008 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Apr 20 2012 - 04:29 PM

Hey there, Nick Silverpen. Well, I gotta say thanks for deciding to sit through The Best Kept Secrets and for leaving such a pleasant review. It's all appreciated and I'm glad to know you've enjoyed it so far. :)I don't have any particular schedule for posting new chapters, as I get occasional bouts of writers block, but I do my best to try and get a new chapter up at least once a week. But, must usually, it can be anywhere in between 5 and 10 days between chapters, although I reckon I might be able to get chapter 17 up by tomorrow or Sunday at the latest. :)
  • 0

shadowofthisredrock.png

Chapter four - Desire

Coming soon!

Short Stories: The Commute ~ Rasinov ~ In Your Absence ~ Hunter's Game ~ Suchia (Coming soon)

Epics: The Best Kept Secrets (Chapter 27: The Shadow Walker coming soon) ~ The Shadow of this Red Rock


#43 Offline Aderia

Aderia
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Stone Champion Nuva

  • 1,562 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Apr 26 2012 - 05:47 PM

Hey, so it's been a while since I dropped a review. I just played a lovely game of catch up with your epic, specifically Chapter 12-17.It never ceases to amaze me at how you can make all the different characters' subplots so intriguing! How do you come up with this stuff? Tuma's whole deal with Metus in his head is one of my favorites, because I never really acknowledged Tuma before that. Also, Kurot and Xavor. I would love to see more about their history.But even more than that, I want to find out who that dancing visionary in the moonlight was. That scene was so well written! And on an endign note, it was great to finally meet Harmaisis.Again, I have nothing to complain about it. I'm looking forwards to your updates, as you never disappoint. You've made a fan :)
  • 0

(Irene Adler)

adler7.jpg

The Whip Hand


#44 Offline The Dandy Automaton

The Dandy Automaton
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • FFM Bionicle Winner

  • 8,008 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted May 08 2012 - 05:05 PM

Hey, thanks again for another glowing comment. To be honest, I've no idea quite how I come up with some of this stuff, I just do. But, hey, whatever strange pit I find this stuff in is clearly one out to help me so I'm not complaining. I'm glad to hear you like it and that definitely encourages me to keep going. :PUnfortunately though, I'm not sure when chapter 18 is gonna be out. It may be a while now with the mounting stress of multiple things from different sources, exams in particular. I'm trying to get at least one more chapter out before the tidal wave grabs me in its clutches, but whether or not I'll be successful remains to be seen. So yeah, to all reading this, don't be surprised if TBKS goes on a temporary hold. Just don't lose interest. Please. :P
  • 0

shadowofthisredrock.png

Chapter four - Desire

Coming soon!

Short Stories: The Commute ~ Rasinov ~ In Your Absence ~ Hunter's Game ~ Suchia (Coming soon)

Epics: The Best Kept Secrets (Chapter 27: The Shadow Walker coming soon) ~ The Shadow of this Red Rock


#45 Offline fishers64

fishers64
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Mask of Light Unveiled

  • 5,084 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Jul 09 2012 - 12:25 AM

After all these glowing reviews, I don't feel great posting this one, but this is it:Chapter 1:

First Siril acquired this mysterious power and now someone is trying desperately hard to make sure he stays dead. This was not going to be easy.

There’s a really awkward tense shift in this sentence, from past tense to present tense. It might read better as: “First Siril acquired this mysterious power and now someone was trying desperately hard to make sure he stayed dead. This was not going to be easy.”On thing I would encourage you to avoid is the passive voice, which leads to awkward transitions and unessary phrasing. For example, in Chapter 1 you use the phrase "And at last he had arrived. " You've already established that he was going places in a previous paragraph - no need for that trite phrase. In fact, the phrase "Climbing the final step" right after it already says the same thing, so no need to be redundant. Chapter 2:

The residents of the Mata Nui robot were distrustful of the natives, as several months of slavery would result in.

What does this sentence mean? I get the first part about the Mata Nui residents being distrustful, but the rest of it is confusing. Are you trying to say that the Mata Nui's inhabitant's distrust resulted in slavery? If so, it probably would be better worded as "The residents of the Mata Nui robot were distrustful of the natives, as several months of slavery would later result."

Perhaps, their only discernible features was that the one who was referred to as Zhorya was slightly taller, with deep blue eyes, whilst Xavor was shorter had two striking red orbs.

Should be “Perhaps, their only discernible features was that the one who was referred to as Zhorya was slightly taller, with deep blue eyes, whilst Xavor was shorter and had two striking red orbs.”Chapter 6:

So, that’s what you need to do us.

Should be “So, that’s what you need to do for us.”Chapter 7:

The Skrall settlement was motionless as it rested for the night, preparing to move again when the sun resurface, their destination unknown.

Should be: “The Skrall settlement was motionless as it rested for the night, preparing to move again when the sun resurfaced, their destination unknown.”Chapter 10:

“I’m here to offer your services.

Should be: “I’m here to offer you a service.” Malum is only doing one service – being a bodyguard for the group.Chapter 11:

The scene would have been pleasant and relaxing, were it not for the rooms two inhabitants.

Should be: “The scene would have been pleasant and relaxing, were it not for the room’s two inhabitants.” Alternately, it might be better to say, “The scene would have been pleasant and relaxing, if not for the two inhabitants of the room.” Chapter 13:

She found herself praising Mata Nui that nobody else had realised they could get anyone else to do the work she does, who would probably even do it without desiring to lead the planets underworld.

This is quite the unusual sentence. At minimum, it should be: “She found herself praising Mata Nui that nobody else had realised they could get anyone else to do the work she does, who would probably even do it without desiring to lead the planet’s underworld.” It might be better to put it as: “She found herself praising Mata Nui that nobody else had realised they could get someone else to do the work she did, someone who would probably even do it without desiring to lead the planet’s underworld.” The latter sentence makes a bit more sense to me. :shrugs:

From the occasional smirks and chuckles of the guard on her right, she was sure she approve of it.

Should be: “From the occasional smirks and chuckles of the guard on her right, she was sure she approved of it.”This sentence is rather confusing in context. If the subjects of this sentence agree, and they should, the smirks and chuckles of the right guard would indicate his approval of what the left guard was doing, but I’m not sure if that was what you were going for.* * *This story strikes me as darkly realistic. I have to admire your attention to detail, with the descriptions, which is ideal for such a realistic story. This story has a camera-like effect; I have no trouble imagining any of the scenes and situations that you have here, but reading that much description can get tedious and even boring. As Steven King says in his book On Writing, “Omit needless words.” For example, in Chapter 11:

The grand chamber of the Elders rested suspended in silence. The books sat quietly on the shelves and the great candelabrum was suspended without complaint. The scene would have been pleasant and relaxing, were it not for the rooms two inhabitants.Ackar and Hydraxon sat alone at the table, facing each other. The other Elders were absent, Raanu and Vakama attempting to invent a new, shared currency and Norik claiming to be spending time with the remainder of his team. The atmosphere hung heavily as the two remained seated, wordlessly staring each other down. They both looked equally unhappy, and Hydraxon began restlessly drumming his fingers against the stone table.

The type I have bolded at the top of this chapter could easily have been removed. You’ve already described the chamber of the Elders earlier, so no need to describe it again. You’ve already established that Hydraxon and Ackar don’t like each other, so no need to do it again. The word “wordlessly” you’ve used later covers the silence part, and from the description of where everyone else is at, you’ve established where these beings are. This story is incredibly easy to follow, and yet it’s almost too easy. You hammer details into our brains multiple times that have little relevance to the plot. Yes, I get it that there was a chandelier and books in the chamber. Yes, I get it that Atero Nui’s society isn’t the greatest. Yes, I get it that Zhorya and Xaxor are annoying. You don’t have to tell me twice. After reading the latter chapters, chapters 12-20 respectively, I admire this work a lot better. You've worked in good action sequences and intensified the mystery regarding the central characters. That is one thing you have done well. The description problem of the earlier chapters seems to have faded.I had trouble staying engaged merely because most of the mystery had to do with PG-13 violence; none of that is a discredit to you as a writer, it's just something I don't like much. But you can't please everyone, and this story is good at what does - a darkly realistic and mysterious picture of post-ending Spherus Magna. So, as many others have said, excellent work.

  • 0

14126183966_9690cb0da3_z.jpg


#46 Offline The Dandy Automaton

The Dandy Automaton
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • FFM Bionicle Winner

  • 8,008 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Jul 30 2012 - 02:07 PM

After all these glowing reviews, I don't feel great posting this one, but this is it:

Hey that's not a problem. I invited all criticism and there's no better way to improve without it. :P

Chapter 2:

The residents of the Mata Nui robot were distrustful of the natives, as several months of slavery would result in.

What does this sentence mean? I get the first part about the Mata Nui residents being distrustful, but the rest of it is confusing. Are you trying to say that the Mata Nui's inhabitant's distrust resulted in slavery? If so, it probably would be better worded as "The residents of the Mata Nui robot were distrustful of the natives, as several months of slavery would later result."

It was intended to refer to the time the inhabitants of the Matoran Universe spent under Teridax's rule, which I assumed took place over the course of several months. As such, I imagined that the Matoran would be a lot more wary and defensive, having just received their freedom again.

From the occasional smirks and chuckles of the guard on her right, she was sure she approve of it.

Should be: “From the occasional smirks and chuckles of the guard on her right, she was sure she approved of it.”This sentence is rather confusing in context. If the subjects of this sentence agree, and they should, the smirks and chuckles of the right guard would indicate his approval of what the left guard was doing, but I’m not sure if that was what you were going for.

Ah, actually that one was a typo and I thank you for pointing it out to me. What it was meant to be was "she was not sure she would approve of it". I can see how it wouldn't make sense without those missing words. It was meant to suggest that the Skakdi to the right was taking advantage of her blind spot and using it to make fun of her without her noticing. Basically just me trying to make it clear that I hadn't forgotten she has a blind spot. :P* * *

This story strikes me as darkly realistic. I have to admire your attention to detail, with the descriptions, which is ideal for such a realistic story. This story has a camera-like effect; I have no trouble imagining any of the scenes and situations that you have here, but reading that much description can get tedious and even boring. As Steven King says in his book On Writing, “Omit needless words.” For example, in Chapter 11:

The grand chamber of the Elders rested suspended in silence. The books sat quietly on the shelves and the great candelabrum was suspended without complaint. The scene would have been pleasant and relaxing, were it not for the rooms two inhabitants.Ackar and Hydraxon sat alone at the table, facing each other. The other Elders were absent, Raanu and Vakama attempting to invent a new, shared currency and Norik claiming to be spending time with the remainder of his team. The atmosphere hung heavily as the two remained seated, wordlessly staring each other down. They both looked equally unhappy, and Hydraxon began restlessly drumming his fingers against the stone table.

The type I have bolded at the top of this chapter could easily have been removed. You’ve already described the chamber of the Elders earlier, so no need to describe it again. You’ve already established that Hydraxon and Ackar don’t like each other, so no need to do it again. The word “wordlessly” you’ve used later covers the silence part, and from the description of where everyone else is at, you’ve established where these beings are. This story is incredibly easy to follow, and yet it’s almost too easy. You hammer details into our brains multiple times that have little relevance to the plot. Yes, I get it that there was a chandelier and books in the chamber. Yes, I get it that Atero Nui’s society isn’t the greatest. Yes, I get it that Zhorya and Xaxor are annoying. You don’t have to tell me twice.

I can see where you're coming from and this is one issue I've been uncertain about myself. I've always wondered if I include a little too much description, particularly on the inane and it's useful to see that there are others who think that too. I'll definitely have to work on it in the future.

After reading the latter chapters, chapters 12-20 respectively, I admire this work a lot better. You've worked in good action sequences and intensified the mystery regarding the central characters. That is one thing you have done well. The description problem of the earlier chapters seems to have faded.

Thanks, I'm pleased to hear that there has been a gradual improvement. Of course, I'll still be checking to see if I can cut back on unnecessary details.

I had trouble staying engaged merely because most of the mystery had to do with PG-13 violence; none of that is a discredit to you as a writer, it's just something I don't like much. But you can't please everyone, and this story is good at what does - a darkly realistic and mysterious picture of post-ending Spherus Magna. So, as many others have said, excellent work.

That I can respect. I wouldn't have expected this type of story to appeal to everybody, but I thank you for sticking through with it anyway. And thanks for the review, it's much a appreciated and I'll see what I can to do work on some of the issues you raised. :)Now, as for an update to the actual epic...Yeah, I know it's been four weeks. I've got the first half of the chapter open right now, just taunting me. I've been trying to get it done for ages. Hopefully when I move onto chapter 22, I'll be updating more quickly as we move closer to the end and into some of the more fun stuff I have planned.

  • 0

shadowofthisredrock.png

Chapter four - Desire

Coming soon!

Short Stories: The Commute ~ Rasinov ~ In Your Absence ~ Hunter's Game ~ Suchia (Coming soon)

Epics: The Best Kept Secrets (Chapter 27: The Shadow Walker coming soon) ~ The Shadow of this Red Rock


#47 Offline fishers64

fishers64
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Mask of Light Unveiled

  • 5,084 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Jul 30 2012 - 03:44 PM

After all these glowing reviews, I don't feel great posting this one, but this is it:

Hey that's not a problem. I invited all criticism and there's no better way to improve without it. :P

Chapter 2:

The residents of the Mata Nui robot were distrustful of the natives, as several months of slavery would result in.

What does this sentence mean? I get the first part about the Mata Nui residents being distrustful, but the rest of it is confusing. Are you trying to say that the Mata Nui's inhabitant's distrust resulted in slavery? If so, it probably would be better worded as "The residents of the Mata Nui robot were distrustful of the natives, as several months of slavery would later result."

It was intended to refer to the time the inhabitants of the Matoran Universe spent under Teridax's rule, which I assumed took place over the course of several months. As such, I imagined that the Matoran would be a lot more wary and defensive, having just received their freedom again.

By the "natives", then, what do you mean? I thought you were referring to the Spherus Magna natives, but that doesn't make sense if it is referring to Teridax's reign.

  • 0

14126183966_9690cb0da3_z.jpg


#48 Offline The Dandy Automaton

The Dandy Automaton
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • FFM Bionicle Winner

  • 8,008 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Jul 30 2012 - 04:00 PM

After all these glowing reviews, I don't feel great posting this one, but this is it:

Hey that's not a problem. I invited all criticism and there's no better way to improve without it. :P

Chapter 2:

The residents of the Mata Nui robot were distrustful of the natives, as several months of slavery would result in.

What does this sentence mean? I get the first part about the Mata Nui residents being distrustful, but the rest of it is confusing. Are you trying to say that the Mata Nui's inhabitant's distrust resulted in slavery? If so, it probably would be better worded as "The residents of the Mata Nui robot were distrustful of the natives, as several months of slavery would later result."

It was intended to refer to the time the inhabitants of the Matoran Universe spent under Teridax's rule, which I assumed took place over the course of several months. As such, I imagined that the Matoran would be a lot more wary and defensive, having just received their freedom again.

By the "natives", then, what do you mean? I thought you were referring to the Spherus Magna natives, but that doesn't make sense if it is referring to Teridax's reign.

I was indeed referring to the Spherus Magna residents when I said natives. The sentence was meant to illustrate how distrusting the people of the Matoran Universe were, fresh after being released from Teridax's slavery.

  • 0

shadowofthisredrock.png

Chapter four - Desire

Coming soon!

Short Stories: The Commute ~ Rasinov ~ In Your Absence ~ Hunter's Game ~ Suchia (Coming soon)

Epics: The Best Kept Secrets (Chapter 27: The Shadow Walker coming soon) ~ The Shadow of this Red Rock


#49 Offline fishers64

fishers64
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Mask of Light Unveiled

  • 5,084 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Aug 01 2012 - 11:44 AM

Chapter 2:

The residents of the Mata Nui robot were distrustful of the natives, as several months of slavery would result in.

What does this sentence mean? I get the first part about the Mata Nui residents being distrustful, but the rest of it is confusing. Are you trying to say that the Mata Nui's inhabitant's distrust resulted in slavery? If so, it probably would be better worded as "The residents of the Mata Nui robot were distrustful of the natives, as several months of slavery would later result."

It was intended to refer to the time the inhabitants of the Matoran Universe spent under Teridax's rule, which I assumed took place over the course of several months. As such, I imagined that the Matoran would be a lot more wary and defensive, having just received their freedom again.

By the "natives", then, what do you mean? I thought you were referring to the Spherus Magna natives, but that doesn't make sense if it is referring to Teridax's reign.

I was indeed referring to the Spherus Magna residents when I said natives. The sentence was meant to illustrate how distrusting the people of the Matoran Universe were, fresh after being released from Teridax's slavery.

Oh. I thought "would result in" meant that the slavery would happen in the future. But if the distrust of the natives was a result of Teridax's reign and months of slavery, then it should be: "The residents of the Mata Nui robot were distrustful of the natives, because several months of slavery would result in that." or "Because of several months of slavery,the residents of the Mata Nui robot were distrustful of the natives."Less confusing.

  • 0

14126183966_9690cb0da3_z.jpg


#50 Offline aljarreau

aljarreau
  • Members
  • Inhabitant

  • 16 posts
  •  

Posted Nov 09 2012 - 01:45 PM

Your epic is so... realistic. Apart from having a great plot and being written very well, it depicts amazingly well the difficulties who could come into being when Matoran Universe- and Bara Magna-denizens have to live together. I sometimes even find myself refering people to your epic as the official storyline! Can't wait for the next chapter :D
  • 0




0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users