Master Inika Posted September 28, 2019 Share Posted September 28, 2019 I wrote this recently. I haven't posted something non-BIONICLE related here in a long time, so I hope you like it: It is silent except for the wind. It is dark except for the stars. I am alone except for my thoughts. I am not alone, then. I am in the midst of a great crowd. They all speak at once, trying to be louder than the rest. I hear the friends of my youth call me to play. I hear my most appreciated teachers instruct me further. I hear my family bid me come eat. But there are voices even louder: The lies of a brother yet to betray me. The rebuke of my disappointed father. The disgusted scoff of the landowner’s daughter. It is silent except for the wind. It is dark except for the stars. I am not alone because of my thoughts. As I cross over the dune, I see the tents. I hear the songs of the nomads preparing their meal. I rush onward, eager to be in a smaller crowd. 1 Quote "You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer." -- Turaga Nokama Click here to visit my library! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eyru Posted September 28, 2019 Share Posted September 28, 2019 I really like this! Your use of repetition creates a comfortable rhythm, and you have some good imagery here. I like how you've played with the idea that being alone physically doesn't necessarily mean being altogether alone, and how it can even be exhausting to be alone with your own thoughts for too long. Some critique: each stanza has three lines, except for the fourth stanza, which has four. I found this to be a little distracting; I think a good deal of this poem's power comes from its repetition, and changing the length of a stanza breaks that flow. I wonder if you could find a way to reduce it to three lines. And while I'm on the topic of repetition: have you thought about beginning the lines in the fourth stanza with "I hear" like you do in the third stanza? Leaning harder on that repetition might really help drive home the ceaseless, relentless nature of these thoughts. I like how the fifth stanza repeats the first with that small change in the third line. Again, a big fan of your use of repetition here. And the sixth stanza provides a welcome relief from the relentless thoughts. You could've chosen to end this poem in many ways, but I like that it ends hopefully, with the suggestion that it's healthier to live outside your own head, alongside other people. Thanks for sharing! Quote BRPG Forum Rules • BZPRPG Starter Topic • Q&A Compendium • SK:A Profiles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Inika Posted September 30, 2019 Author Share Posted September 30, 2019 On 9/28/2019 at 7:59 AM, Eyru said: And while I'm on the topic of repetition: have you thought about beginning the lines in the fourth stanza with "I hear" like you do in the third stanza? Leaning harder on that repetition might really help drive home the ceaseless, relentless nature of these thoughts. I like how the fifth stanza repeats the first with that small change in the third line. Again, a big fan of your use of repetition here. And the sixth stanza provides a welcome relief from the relentless thoughts. You could've chosen to end this poem in many ways, but I like that it ends hopefully, with the suggestion that it's healthier to live outside your own head, alongside other people. Those are good points. I considered adding more "I hear"s but didn't want to make it too repetitious. And with that extra line in stanza 4, I felt like I had to keep three positive and three negative points, with a transition. I guess I could expand that one line into a whole stanza, but would it be too long then? I strongly considered ending it with stanza 5, but felt too bad subjecting the speaker to that purgatory for all time. I needed to give him a hopeful ending. Quote "You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer." -- Turaga Nokama Click here to visit my library! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eyru Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 Maybe if you made that extra line its own stanza? It could be focal point of the poem, with three equal stanzas both before and after? Just spitballing. Either way, love what you've done here! Please share more of your work sometime! Quote BRPG Forum Rules • BZPRPG Starter Topic • Q&A Compendium • SK:A Profiles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
21Boomerangs Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 I like this poem, though I thought it was more comforting to be among people and hear them talk, until we got to the end and he's alone in the sand. Sounds kinda haunting. If you were going to for a darker, more oppressive effect, it might do to ax the friendly voices at the beginning. I also did not get the feeling of tons of voices drowning the narrator, so maybe you need to slow down and give the reader a lot of voices. More characters, more voices - or even just write a stanza of what the voices are saying to make the piece feel more dark. The poem feels like you telling me what poem you could have written. So write that one. I like the rhythm here though, so I think you should keep that for the most part, though if you decide to add more voices, you may wish to break it there to make it seem overwhelming. But this is a good rhythm to start and end on. I like the poem anyway, and wish you well on revision. Quote you can call me boomie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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