Prologue: For the Lazy ReadersIn the last comedy, BIONICLE: The Legend Reloaded, Mata Nui – resident gun-toting butt-kicker – had come home from hunting cybernetic demon wolves one day to discover that his girl, Kiina, had been kidnapped by a gang called the Skrall, led by the mighty Tuma, an old enemy of Mata Nui.Mata Nui’s mind snapped and he recruited his old war buddies: Ackar, the old man who could still hand your butt to you on a silver platter; Gresh, the fastest and most incomprehensible man alive; and ‘Double Barrel’ Berix, the Agori who escaped the Bota Magnan Asylum for Incurably Criminal Agori and lived to tell the tale. With his friends at his side, Mata Nui went after the Tuma, intent on getting his girl Kiina back.After several awesome and unbelievable adventures (most of which were unnecessary filler used by the author to pad out the word count), Mata Nui and his friends defeated the Tuma and rescued Kiina. However, the real villain was Metus, an old friend of Berix’s, who turned out to be controlled by an entity known as Destruction, who in turn was borne from the dark thoughts of a 100,000,000,000,000,000,000.3 year old being called the Abyss (or just Abyss. The author was never really consistent about that). Not only that but an army of demons arose to slay our heroes.But Mata Nui and friends – with the aid of Zeus, the Greek god of the sky – defeated the hordes of entities while looking really awesome at the same time. And then a good entity named Super Planet bestowed the power of unity upon Mata Nui and friends, giving them the power necessary to destroy the Abyss once and for all.After that, you’d think the plot would have ended. But nope. The author had to reach 50,000 words and by the time they destroyed the Abyss, the author was only at 25,000. So the author decided to stretch out the comedy just a little by having Mata Nui and his friends get involved in a ninja kidnapping plot.Old Man Raanu was kidnapped by a group of ninjas (who had no real reason for kidnapping him, by the way) and Mata Nui and friends had to rescue him. This caused them to go on a long, unnecessary journey in which they battled monster ponies (also known as ‘monies’), sheep and goat ninjas, and Death himself (well, they didn’t actually fight Death, but they annoyed him, anyway).Eventually, our band of butt-kickers reached the ninjas’ main base. After a somewhat anticlimactic battle, Mata Nui defeated the Grand Di-Shogun and freed Old Man Raanu, who, being the richest Agori in the universe, rewarded them with 80 trillion dollars. Billy, the Grand Di-Shogun’s nephew, became Super Planet’s apprentice, and both he and Super Planet flew off into space to fight evil and all that jazz.After that crazy adventure, Mata Nui and friends returned home. They split up, each going their separate ways, and for a while it looked like maybe they wouldn’t be dragged into another dumb plot.But then Mata Nui – polishing his 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle – received a note from a group calling themselves Dah Element Lords. Dah note from Dah Element Lords said that they had take Berix and Gresh hostage and demanded to see 80 trillion dollars by the end of the week or else they would kill Berix and Gresh.Because no one messes with Mata Nui’s friends and gets away with it with their spine intact, Mata Nui rounded up Kiina and Ackar to go on a rescue mission, which brings us up to present day, when Mata Nui, Ackar, and Kiina have been tracking down Dah Element Lords for a few days . . .
Chapter I: The Darkness
Subtitle: Really Serious ChapterAckar was an old man. He was often cranky, irritable, and in constant need of prunes. Unless he got his old guy sleep, his health would get worse and he might just die. Of course, that was if he wanted to die, for Death had already set him up to get killed twice and failed. So it was unlikely that Ackar would be croaking any time soon.So Ackar was just peacefully napping in the jungle, occasionally snorting or muttering things like, “Darn kids, get off my lawn” when a tree exploded for no apparent reason.Ackar’s eyes snapped open and he was on his feet instantly, sword in hand, as two figures flew out of the burning tree, did a few summersaults in midair, and landed on the ground with such ferocity that they caused an earthquake. But they did not want the earthquake around here, so the yellow one grabbed the earthquake and threw it into space, where it would harm no one. Yay.The two figures looked slightly similar to Ackar, but only slightly. One was yellow; a rather impractical color, but Ackar couldn’t judge because he wore bright red armor. The other one was blue and female, which is important for you to know because if you didn’t you would assume she is male due to the lack of female characters in BIONICLE, which would be sexist which would make you a bad person which would make me have to ask you to leave lest some people call this comedy sexist which it isn’t by the way as one of the main characters is female and is arguably one of the coolest characters in this comedy and-“Shut up!” Ackar snapped. “We get it. Bad things will happen, the apocalyse is upon us, blah, blah, blah. Gah, I need my prunes.”“I actually liked what the narrator was saying about me being one of the coolest characters in this comedy,” said the blue female (see? No sexism there).“You may be cool, Kiina,” said the yellow one as he pointed a thumb at himself. “But I am the coolest. Who threw that earthquake into space? Yep, me, Mata Nui, the main character and greatest action hero ever.”“Next to Jason Bourne, that is,” said Ackar.Mata Nui glared daggers at Ackar, who quickly deflected them out of the air with his sword. “What do you know about action heroes?”“More than you,” Ackar answered. “And why do you two look different? Last I saw, you guys looked less like Skrall rejects and more like actual warriors.”Ackar was right. Mata Nui and Kiina did look different, but because these particular versions of these characters were never released as sets, I cannot describe them. So use your imagination instead of relying on me to do all of the explaining. Back in my day, kids didn’t need cranky old narrators like me to tell them what things looked like. They used their own imagination, unlike kids nowadays, with their stupid Wiis and wireless Internet and My Little Pony dolls and all of that other stuff. Stupid modern kids.Ignoring me, Mata Nui said to Ackar, “We’re going undercover as Skrall, obviously.”“But last I checked, the Skrall were all black with various shades of other colors, but mostly red,” said Ackar, looking Mata Nui and Kiina up and down. “You’re bright yellow and blue. Also, we’re going after Dah Element Lords, not Skrall.”“We know,” said Mata Nui, nodding. “But they don’t know that.”“Who doesn’t know what?” asked Ackar.“Them,” said Mata Nui, pointing at the screen.All three of them looked at the readers and for a moment no one said anything.Then Ackar turned back to Mata Nui and Kiina and said, “Well, I still think you look stupid. If you think I’m going to put on some of that Skrall armor, you got another- Hey, where’d this Skrall armor come from?”While Ackar had been speaking, all of his armor had somehow been replaced by Skrall armor. He looked like a completely different person, because ya know, putting on a new suit of armor can alter your body structure. At least in BIONICLE it can, anyway.“Wow,” said Mata Nui, whose tone was one of extremely fake surprise. “Ackar, the armor must have chosen you! It is destiny!”“Yeah,” said Kiina, who was busily kicking something red out of sight. “Definitely. No going against destiny, right?”Ackar looked disgruntledly down at his new armor. “I don’t like it, but if you say so . . .”It was at that moment the plot attacked. Back down the path they had come up, they heard a noise, like someone sneaking around and failing at it.“Uh oh,” said Mata Nui. “Someone is following us.”“Or something,” said Ackar. “Remember the flying ninja chipmunk zombies?”“Oh, yeah,” said Mata Nui, nodding. “I still don’t know why the ducks sacrificed themselves to save us, though.”“Enough of the Noodle Incidents,” said Kiina, pointing down the path. “Ackar, because I’m too lazy to do anything, you go and find out what made that noise.”“Okay,” said Ackar, nodding. “I’ll be as stealthy as a ninja. In fact, I will play ‘Ninja’ by Europe while I am sneaking around. It’ll freak out whoever is following us.”Ackar pulled out a giant boom box from nowhere, put a CD in it, and pressed play. Suddenly ‘Ninja’ by Europe blared out of the speakers as Ackar not-so-stealthily went back down the path they had came. Exactly why Ackar felt the need to play that song, not even Mata Nui or Kiina knew. It was probably just the author inserting songs he likes into his story. Stupid author.TNTOS: Hey, Mr. Narrator. Keep that talk up and I’ll replace you with Amy.Wait, you can’t fire me! I have a wife and three children!TNTOS: No, you don’t. You sleep in your car outside the studio.Darn it. Well, you still can’t fire me. I’m not as bad as Amy, you know.TNTOS: Good point. Well, just keep your opinions about me to yourself and narrate the darn story.Yes, sir.Anyway, Ackar was sneaking along while ‘Ninja’ played. Despite Ackar’s best efforts, he lost control of his fire abilities (a problem he never faced before, but never mind that) and set a tree on fire. The light of the burning tree – which looked really awesome – illuminated a Skrall standing there, holding his hands over his ears, probably to protect them from the booming noise that came from the boom box.“Ah ha!” said Ackar, pointing at the Skrall. “I spy with my little eye a Skrall!”But the Skrall panicked and fired his gun at Ackar. The bullet hit Ackar and he went down (rest assured folks that Ackar is not badly hurt, just bruised).Mata Nui and Kiina had been watching the entire scene (including my argument with the author) and, as Ackar went down, Mata Nui yelled, “Ackar!”Oddly, his voice took on a weird echo-y effect and the rock behind the Skrall turned into Arnold Schwarzenegger and grabbed him. The Arnold Schwarzenegger rock statue thing began squeezing the Skrall, like a dumb kid who doesn’t seem to understand what happens when you squeeze a balloon full of helium. It would be funny if the Skrall popped like a balloon, now that I think about it.Just then, Ackar got to his feet and shook his head. He looked from Mata Nui to the Skrall and said to Mata Nui, “Keep it up, Mata Nui! Teach that dumb Skrall a lesson!”Ackar’s words seemed to break Mata Nui out of his reverie, for the Arnold Schwarzenegger statue suddenly dropped the Skrall and transformed back into a normal rock. Mata Nui shook his head and said, “Whoa. That was freaky.”Ackar sighed frustrated. “Fine. If you won’t kill him, I will.”Ackar raised his sword and was about to unleash a blast of fire that probably would have burned at least half of Bara Magna before the Skrall raised his hands in surrender and said, “Wait! Don’t shoot! I am not evil!”“Kill him, Ackar!” said Kiina eagerly. “When I was in the custody of the Skrall, they mistreated me. Don’t let him live.”“Kiina, although I love your bloodthirsty ruthlessness, I think we should hear the Skrall out first,” said Mata Nui, looking at Ackar now. “And then you can kill him.”Ackar looked disappointed, but he put his sword away in the place BIONICLE characters store their weapons in the movies (probably somewhere too inappropriate to show in this comedy). The Skrall stood up unsteadily, looking quite frightened at the three beings who obviously wanted him dead.“There is nothing left for me in Roxtus,” said the Skrall quickly, as though he had spent all night memorizing it. “I thought . . . well, I thought I could join with you guys and go home. But then the tree went on fire and I thought you were attacking. So I fought back in self-defense.”“A fishy story,” said Mata Nui, stroking his chin. “Quite a feat, as your story has no fish in it.”The Skrall’s eyes suddenly became puppy dog wide and he said, “Please, merciful Mata Nui, let me come with you. I just want to go home, back to my country which is for some reason unnamed, and you guys are going there, so I want to com with you. Please!”If the Skrall thought his attempt at puppy dog eyes would work, he was sorely mistaken. Mata Nui, Kiina, and Ackar took a step back at the disgusting and bizarre-looking Skrall, whose eyes immediately returned to normal when he saw how freaked out they were.So the Skrall tried a different approach. He threw himself at Mata Nui’s feet (quite a feat, as throwing oneself is harder than throwing someone else) and said, “O mighty Mata Nui, I would just like to go back to my home. That is all that this humble Skrall’s humble heart humbly desires.”“I don’t believe him,” said Kiina abruptly. “Mata Nui, can I kick him to Jupiter? Please?”Mata Nui looked down into the Skrall’s eyes. Even though Mata Nui had once killed millions of this Skrall’s people and had personally slain the Tuma, this Skrall wanted to join Mata Nui and his friends on their journey north. He just wanted to go home even if it meant traveling with enemies who might kill him in his sleep.What a stupid Skrall, Mata Nui thought. But I might be able to use this to my advantage.Mata Nui folded his arms – just to make himself look intimidating – and said, “Hmmmmmmmmmm, I’m not sure we should let him join, guys. I mean, Skrall are really stupid and willful. Not to mention we’re not going on a pleasure ride. We’re going to rescue Gresh and Berix, and I am not sure we have room for one more.”“But you cannot just abandon me!” said the Skrall in shock. “Mata Nui, we have met once before, don’t you remember?”Mata Nui thought hard about that for a moment. “Hmm, you can’t be one of the Skrall I killed because you wouldn’t be here. On the other hand, though, I never let any Skrall that I see live. Could be lying.”“I am not,” the Skrall insisted. “Do you remember, way back when, when you were captured by the Skrall? A Skrall freed you. That Skrall was me. I’m on your side, Mata Nui, for I did save your life, after all.”“True,” said Mata Nui, nodding. “But I seem to recall promising that particular Skrall I would kill him last, and I never make false promises.”“Uh, your memory must be faulty, then,” said the Skrall hastily. “But now you have all the proof you need of my innocence. What do you say? Friends?”“I never liked that show,” said Mata Nui thoughtfully. “But the more I think about it, having a Skrall as a
Edited by TNTOS, Jul 07 2012 - 09:26 AM.