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Oppression Review Topic

Oppression Review

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13 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Mar 17 2012 - 07:28 PM

Well, here's the Epic. You know the drill. Get reviewing. It's my first (technically) so be nice.
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#2 Offline slawth

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Posted Mar 18 2012 - 07:58 AM

Pretty good. I'm liking it. I can't help but wonder when Sentraken'll be showing up.It's funny that I've started a new epic with the BZPRPG character that killed Solia, and he she is in an epic of yours. XD
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#3 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Mar 18 2012 - 08:56 AM

Sentraken? You mean Sentraken Vetma? ;) He's the star of the story, my friend.Solia and Trakuda are my cherished characters. Every epic after this one will feature them in starring roles, and this one hints at Solia's origins.
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#4 Offline slawth

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Posted Mar 18 2012 - 01:39 PM

Ah, thankyou.If you cherish Solia so much, why the Karz did you let me kill her? XD
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#5 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Mar 18 2012 - 01:43 PM

It's all part of the plan...Anyway, next chapter should take about a week or two to come up, due to it's considerably larger-than-Shadows length.
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#6 Offline slawth

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Posted Mar 25 2012 - 10:47 AM

Yeah. 'Course it is.DM has longer-than-Oppression chapters. :sly:I see EP ahead...
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#7 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Mar 25 2012 - 11:03 AM

I think you mean Oppression has longer-than-DM chapters. Even if they were longer, yours are just massive conversations :PMore on-topic, what do you think of the new chapter?
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#8 Offline slawth

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Posted Mar 25 2012 - 11:49 AM

With murders in between.That EP bit was what I think. I think there's gonna be EP.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#9 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Mar 25 2012 - 11:50 AM

What in the name of sanity is EP?
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#10 Offline slawth

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Posted Mar 25 2012 - 02:40 PM

Energized Protodermis.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#11 Offline Maganar

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Posted Mar 25 2012 - 06:17 PM

Oh, nice. I'm glad I decided to take a break from posting my own epic (first-timer as well, my friend) to scout out this forum. Xia is a great place for a tale of oppression; the entire city/island uses that concept as a foundation. The characters are pretty vividly described and the situations are dark and believable. I'm going to have to follow this epic.
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I AM OFFICIALLY BACK! :D After 18 months on hiatus, I have returned, but I have spent that time well.  If you want to see how it was spent, click on the banner to start reading the result or click on the linky-link below to get further information off of the review topic.


#12 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Mar 26 2012 - 12:49 PM

Glad you liked it :)I deliberately chose Xia as it hasn't had much spotlight in the story, and there's so much untold about Vortixx society.I'll check out your epic at some point, fellow first-timer :P
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#13 Offline Cederak

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Posted Jan 01 2013 - 02:36 PM

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Congratulations. You have been unknowingly selected as the winner of the first ECC charity review of 2013. What a treat, right? "Yes, yes it is." Glad you agree. Now, before we get down to the important points, I'll run through the single error (that's right, you're either really good with your grammar/spelling or I was really off my game in that department today) I found.[/color][/font]

 

 

[color=#000000;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]

Why did his Captain decide to bring him camping.

[/color][/font]

 

[color=#000000;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]him camping?[/color][/font]

 

 

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Glancing at your review topic, I quickly discovered this story has roots in the RPG forums. This fact may inform your characters having biological processes like using the bathroom or eating non-protodermis-based food. As a rule, RP-inspired epics tend to lack something in terms of characterization. Perhaps because the intended audience is the writer's RP friends who already know the back-story and just want a new plot. This often alienates other writers from reading the epic because that disconnect exists. Your introduction tells that the reader is in for a tale of family, vengeance, and oppression. It sounds intense, but I only have so little to work with here.[/color][/font]

 

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]I liked your depiction of male Vortixx life on Xia, living under the merciless rule of the females. Males fight to survive, even for a small meal to get them through the day. It's a solid look at how I sometimes imagined things on Xia to work, with the males practically being slaves. Of course, your lead seems destined for great things down the road. I presume he would eventually go on to oppress the females as he was once oppressed, possibly playing upon your title in this way. Only speculation, but once again, I don't have a lot to work with.[/color][/font]

 

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]The basic premise of this story is pretty good, but I think it really faltered in terms of detail and character description. The walls didn't have enough paint and the people in the room were a little too pale, if you get what I'm saying. Splash some life into all that, and I think you'll be well on your way. Best of luck.[/color][/font]

 

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]-Ced[/color][/font]


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#14 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Jan 01 2013 - 03:01 PM

Okay, I did not expect this, to say the least XD I had considered this epic abandoned and was considering rewriting it or something in the distant future when I had more time. I say had because I actually forgot that it exists, you've just reminded me to get off my backside, thank you  :bowdown:

 

 

[color=#000080;][font="tahoma, geneva, sans-serif;"](that's right, you're either really good with your grammar/spelling or I was really off my game in that department today)[/color][/font]

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Probably a mixture of both ;)

 

 

 

[font="tahoma, geneva, sans-serif;"][color=#000080;]The basic premise of this story is pretty good, but I think it really faltered in terms of detail and character description. The walls didn't have enough paint and the people in the room were a little too pale, if you get what I'm saying. Splash some life into all that, and I think you'll be well on your way.[/color][/font]

----------

 

I don't want to sound cocky or anything but it's safe to say I have improved at least a little in my writing ability since I wrote the measly chapter or two this has, but even so I'll take your advice into account just overall, as I'd never really thought about the whole thing about the narrowness of the target audience (the prologue was supposed to be mysterious, just going to throw that out there :P).

 

Also I'll just say that your guesstimate is similar to what would end up happening towards the end.

 

Thanks again for the surprise charity review!  :br:


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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed





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