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The Chronicles Of Karzahni Review Topic

Karzahni Chronicles review epic bionicle

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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Jowm

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Posted Jul 02 2012 - 08:09 PM

As the title makes evident, this is the topic in which your reviews, comments, and such are intended to be posted, I hope you enjoy the story.Epic topic

Edited by Hahli Husky, Aug 27 2012 - 03:15 PM.

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http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=5700 - My new epic revealing the life of the interesting character we all wish we could have known better before he left us, Karzahni.

 


#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jul 05 2012 - 06:44 PM

I applaud you for trying to touch the matter of Karzahni's and Artahka's fight over the Mask of Creation, but I'm not sure that would exactly be the competition - a fight to the death seems a poor contest for a mask of Creation, as Ipictured it more as a creative competition - the two would have to make creations of things, and the more useful and/or well-designed creation would win. But that's just my opinion.That aside, you did a very good job describing the fight - I had no trouble imagining the fighters' movements - and you did a fairly good job of describing Karzahni's thoughts during the fight as well. The one thing your story needs is paragraph breakage, something on the lines of this:

Karzahni stood on a hill, observing his vast realm. He shook with anger with the memory of the events of the day before. He and his brother, Artakha, had been informed by the Great Being Angonce that they were to do battle over a Kanohi mask of great power. He had been shocked, as had Artakha, that the Great Beings would ever ask that they fight, but the mask was apparently a prize worth combat, and the winner would receive it. So he and Artakha had readied themselves for battle, both prepared to prove that they were the better of the two, and to achieve the coveted Mask of Creation. The battle was ferocious, with both himself and his brother hesitant at first, then going at each other with all they had. Karzahni himself had been the one to strike first, though not physically, he had activated his mask power, and given Artakha a vision of losing the battle, with Karzahni as the victor, and Artakha left behind in shame. After the vision had reached the point where the Matoran respected and trusted Karzahni and despised Artakha, however, Karzahni wasn’t sure what would come next, and the vision became less and less believable. It wasn’t long after that before Artakha realized the illusion, and returned his mind to reality. Then, the fight was on. Karzahni began swinging his flaming chains, while Artakha charged, swinging with his blunt, yet powerful and threatening warhammer. Karzahni at first managed to dodge a few of Artakha’s swings, managing to strike Artakha with his chains when he had the opportunity, but Artakha had become tired of this, and now began swinging with deadly accuracy. Karzahni knew that he could not match his brother in physical strength, so he tried even more desperately to evade Artakha’s attacks, and weaken him by slashing him with his chains. Karzahni’s desperate tactics were unsuccessful, however, and Artakha quickly closed the gap between them, finally landing a hard blow on Karzahni’s leg as Karzahni tried to dodge. This was the beginning of the end of the fight. Karzahni spun around and put up a furious resistance, but it was over, Artakha struck again and again, with Karzahni on the ground, trying to roll out of the way, and failing. Karzahni had taken some serious damage, but wasn’t ready to give up that mask yet, he kicked Artakha’s legs out from beneath him and slashed Artakha’s face with his chain while returning to his feet. Karzahni began furiously hacking at his brother with his chains, the fight was personal now, it was no longer just about the mask, it was about him, and Artakha, Karzahni wasn’t going to let Artakha leave when he surrendered, he was going to kill him. Artakha saw the look of madness filling Karzahni’s eyes as Karzahni relentlessly struck again and again with his chains. Artakha knew that Karzahni was angry, furious, and he knew that he had to save himself, he wondered if he would be able to beat Karzahni when he was like this. Artakha also worried that, in order to win, he might have to kill Karzahni. Karzahni was blindly slashing and hacking now, roaring insanely. Artakha wasn’t sure what had driven him to such an uncontrollable state of rage, but now that this was happening, he needed to fight back. Karzahni, on the other hand, wasn’t thinking about any of this, he was just thinking about how Artakha had been privileged with creative talent and abilities, while he was gifted with nothing. About how Artakha was stronger than he, and surely the Great Beings must have known this, they had wanted Artakha to win, He was sure. Now, Artakha had gotten him onto the ground, rolling around in the dirt, trying to dodge his hammer, he wouldn’t stand for it! With these thoughts of anger, hatred and fury swirling around in his mind, Karzahni ripped and tore at Artakha with his claws and chains, reaching out with the power of his mask to terrorize Artakha with the most nightmarish vision his mind would allow, and his mind would allow for some pretty freaky things. Artakha fought back, resisting the vision and using his advantage of strength to force Karzahni back, so that Artakha would have room to return to his feet. Karzahni began screaming with rage, at this, and increased his attack with his chains, and with his mind. Karzahni’s mental attack, now, was so strong that for Artakha it was entwined with reality, making it difficult to focus, to understand what was going on, and to fight. Artakha took a desperate swipe with his hammer, and the hammer impacted Karzahni’s torso, sending him flying a few feet back. Artakha returned to his feet just in time to be able to defend against Karzahni’s attack, as Karzahni charged forward once again, claws slashing, chains flailing. Artakha deflected his attack, then kicked him back, as Karzahni came charging once again, Artakha performed one of his most devastating maneuvers, he did a full 360 degree spin for momentum, and brought his hammer up as he reached the point where he was facing Karzahni once more. The hammer connected with Karzahni’s jaw in one of the most powerful uppercuts ever to be performed in the Matoran universe. Karzahni was sent flying upward and a few feet back. Karzahni landed with a thud in the dirt, and before he could stand, Artakha ran forward and performed another move, similar to the one he had just used, but this time, he brought the hammer down on Karzahni versus bringing it up toward his chin. Karzahni crashed to the ground, struck by Artakha’s hammer, just as he was beginning to stand. Karzahni, managed to move into a sitting position, his rage now entwined with fear, and Artakha struck him in the chest with the hammer, sending him flying. Karzahni scooted himself back, trying to escape his brother’s hammer. Karzahni was now shouting at Artakha, “Stop! No! Aaaggg-ugh. I surrender, I surrender!” Artakha stopped, hammer held over his head in preparation for another strike. Angonce walked over from where he had been watching a couple hundred feet away. He held out the Mask of Creation to Artakha, and announced, “You are the victor, and have fairly won the Mask of Creation and the right to wear it. Take it, and use it wisely.” Artakha held out his hand and received the Kanohi. Angonce then turned to Karzahni and spoke, “You have lost, you may now honorably return to you realm.” With that, Angonce walked away, and that was the last of him Karzahni ever saw. Karzahni had returned to his realm, and that’s where he stood now. Karzahni sighed, he knew it was pointless to constantly remember things of the past that brought only hatred and anger to his mind, but still, he thought, someday, I will have my revenge, and my brother shall pay. Karzahni turned away, and began stepping down the hill, the time for his revenge was not yet, and he knew that it may be a long time before he could have his vengeance, and in the meantime, he had made his realm a place for Matoran to come to be repaired, so repair them he would, and he would do so to the best of his ability for the thousands of years to come until he could have his revenge.

Every time you switch which character is doing the action, you need a new paragraph. Lack of paragraphing is a problem, especially in an action scene like this, where lack of paragraphing runs everything together. As a consequence, I also notice that you say the words "Karzahni" and "Artahka" over and over again to try to set the two apart. If you set them apart in separate paragraphs, I think you'll be able to avoid that repetition and use more pronouns.Nitpicks:

Karzahni stood on a hill, observing his vast realm. He shook with anger with the memory of the events of the day before.

It might be better as: "Karzahni stood on a hill, observing his vast realm, shaking with the events of the day before."

Karzahni himself had been the one to strike first, though not physically, he had activated his mask power, and given Artakha a vision of losing the battle, with Karzahni as the victor, and Artakha left behind in shame.

This is a run-on sentence. It might be better as: "Karzahni was the one to strike first, giving Artahka a vision of losing the battle, Karzahni as the victor, and Artahka left behind in shame." You don't need to tell us that it was Karzahni's mask power - we know, and it's not really relevant to the story at hand. And a giving a vision isn't a physical power or strike- that's pretty evident.

Karzahni, on the other hand, wasn’t thinking about any of this, he was just thinking about how Artakha had been privileged with creative talent and abilities, while he was gifted with nothing. About how Artakha was stronger than he, and surely the Great Beings must have known this, they had wanted Artakha to win, He was sure.

First of, red H should be lowercase. Second, what is "this" (as in "wasn't thinking about any of this")? I'm confused; that part doesn't make much sense. The first sentence would probably be better off as "Karzahni was thinking about how Artahka had been privileged with creative talent and abilities, while he was gifted with nothing." Also, the entire section would make more sense if Artahka was wondering about Karzahni's thoughts earlier, but he's not.So anyway, I encourage you to keep writing your story and hope this review was helpful to you.

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#3 Offline Tyler Durden

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Posted Sep 02 2012 - 12:04 AM

ECC Review: The Chronicles of KarzahniHoly text block, Batman.To start out with, I just want to reiterate what fishers stated above me: the lack of paragraph breakage was truly this story's biggest flaw right off the bat for me; I actually had to copy/paste your whole story into a word document and create the paragraphs where I thought they could be started or finished, and, even though it gave me a good excuse to read the story first before abusing my enter key, combing through that entire text block in one sitting left me almost stricken. When I finally got down to it, though, I discovered that you didn't have a bad starting premise here. It just needed some direction.The good, first: you're skilled with descriptions, and your retelling of the battle between the two brothers was lush, it was three-dimensional, and most importantly, it actually allowed for a decent look inside Karzahni's beautifully twisted head. I've always seen him as a much more complicated villain than he was given credit for in the canon, and the fact that you make an attempt to show him as such - and, from what I've seen, are on the fast track to succeeding - made your story more engaging for me as a reader and a reviewer. You also did an interesting job, I thought, with making Artahka, such a good and noble figure, look almost like a shadow of himself, an evil specter that drives Karzahni to the brink of madness and revels in watching him dance around it. And now, the not-so-good: I'll start with grammar and spelling errors.

Artakha knew that Karzahni was angry, furious, and he knew that he had to save himself, he wondered if he would be able to beat Karzahni when he was like this.

That sentence is a run-on; a semicolon between himself and "he wondered" would have been more apt.

Karzahni turned away, and began stepping down the hill, the time for his revenge was not yet, and he knew that it may be a long time before he could have his vengeance, and in the meantime, he had made his realm a place for Matoran to come to be repaired, so repair them he would, and he would do so to the best of his ability for the thousands of years to come until he could have his revenge.

Another run-on, this time encompassing an entire paragraph. Try putting a semicolon between hill and "the time." After vengeance, the and could have also been deleted and replaced with a period, so that "In the meantime" could be start of a whole new sentence. Another sentence could have ended after "so repair them he would," and then the third sentence could have been the one to close out the paragraph.Also, I felt like you overused the names "Artahka" and "Karzahni." The words "titan," "behemoth," "powerhouse," and a veritable horde of others could all be used to describe these two, and I felt like by just reusing their names over and over, it grew repetitive, almost dull, by the end of the story.Now, skipping the grammar errors and the text block, this doesn't really feel like much of an epic as of yet. Perhaps, if this were just a prologue, it would make more sense, but as of right now, it seems like it's just a basic short story: it follows the same basic story structure, wraps itself up, and then...what? How would it plausibly continue, flow, build itself as an epic? Perhaps if it were a prologue, I would feel differently, but from what I've seen of this story so far, this is actually your first chapter, and that leaves me curious as to how it can possibly be continued.All in all, you have a fresh, vivacious concept here that could be turned into a really above-average epic, but as of yet, it's still too far into its infancy to show anything more than potential. If you ever read this, I hope you use it as a catalyst to return and continue the story, because I'm interested to see how it could continue and blossom.-Tyler

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i'm back boy

for real

i'm that boy

for real

i got hits baby

you just a bat boy

 for real

 


#4 Offline Jowm

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Posted Oct 25 2012 - 06:15 PM

ECC Review: The Chronicles of KarzahniHoly text block, Batman.To start out with, I just want to reiterate what fishers stated above me: the lack of paragraph breakage was truly this story's biggest flaw right off the bat for me; I actually had to copy/paste your whole story into a word document and create the paragraphs where I thought they could be started or finished, and, even though it gave me a good excuse to read the story first before abusing my enter key, combing through that entire text block in one sitting left me almost stricken. When I finally got down to it, though, I discovered that you didn't have a bad starting premise here. It just needed some direction.The good, first: you're skilled with descriptions, and your retelling of the battle between the two brothers was lush, it was three-dimensional, and most importantly, it actually allowed for a decent look inside Karzahni's beautifully twisted head. I've always seen him as a much more complicated villain than he was given credit for in the canon, and the fact that you make an attempt to show him as such - and, from what I've seen, are on the fast track to succeeding - made your story more engaging for me as a reader and a reviewer. You also did an interesting job, I thought, with making Artahka, such a good and noble figure, look almost like a shadow of himself, an evil specter that drives Karzahni to the brink of madness and revels in watching him dance around it.And now, the not-so-good: I'll start with grammar and spelling errors.

Artakha knew that Karzahni was angry, furious, and he knew that he had to save himself, he wondered if he would be able to beat Karzahni when he was like this.

That sentence is a run-on; a semicolon between himself and "he wondered" would have been more apt.

Karzahni turned away, and began stepping down the hill, the time for his revenge was not yet, and he knew that it may be a long time before he could have his vengeance, and in the meantime, he had made his realm a place for Matoran to come to be repaired, so repair them he would, and he would do so to the best of his ability for the thousands of years to come until he could have his revenge.

Another run-on, this time encompassing an entire paragraph. Try putting a semicolon between hill and "the time." After vengeance, the and could have also been deleted and replaced with a period, so that "In the meantime" could be start of a whole new sentence. Another sentence could have ended after "so repair them he would," and then the third sentence could have been the one to close out the paragraph.Also, I felt like you overused the names "Artahka" and "Karzahni." The words "titan," "behemoth," "powerhouse," and a veritable horde of others could all be used to describe these two, and I felt like by just reusing their names over and over, it grew repetitive, almost dull, by the end of the story.Now, skipping the grammar errors and the text block, this doesn't really feel like much of an epic as of yet. Perhaps, if this were just a prologue, it would make more sense, but as of right now, it seems like it's just a basic short story: it follows the same basic story structure, wraps itself up, and then...what? How would it plausibly continue, flow, build itself as an epic? Perhaps if it were a prologue, I would feel differently, but from what I've seen of this story so far, this is actually your first chapter, and that leaves me curious as to how it can possibly be continued.All in all, you have a fresh, vivacious concept here that could be turned into a really above-average epic, but as of yet, it's still too far into its infancy to show anything more than potential. If you ever read this, I hope you use it as a catalyst to return and continue the story, because I'm interested to see how it could continue and blossom.-Tyler

Thank you very much for your review, you have helped convince me to continue this epic. I greatly appreciate your advice and criticism, and will take it into account, the second part is almost complete and I will post it soon.

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http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=5700 - My new epic revealing the life of the interesting character we all wish we could have known better before he left us, Karzahni.

 





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