Posted Sep 08 2012 - 02:00 PM
Posted Sep 09 2012 - 08:46 PM
Posted Sep 09 2012 - 09:00 PM
"Practically abandoned?" I don't know if I'm reading this wrong, but if Tehkii comes in later, wouldn't that make the alleyway completely abandoned? The word "practically" implies that there is someone else in the alley, and it doesn't sound like there is.
Panicking, the attacker took the bush, light post, and Burahk, or Burahk’s remains, rather, and threw them all into a practically abandoned alleyway.
Posted Sep 09 2012 - 10:28 PM
A semicolon must divide two independent clauses, and the second part of this sentence is a dependent clause. A dash (--) might work better.
It is silent; too silent for his taste.
This is a fairly common mistake, but in general it's better to use "not only ... but also" rather than simply "not only ... but."
Looking more closely, he sees that not only is there blood near the light post, but there is a trail of blood leading into an alley.
This should read "fast-paced."
The abnormal silence allows him to hear the fast paced beat of his heart.
Grammatically there's nothing wrong here, but the sentence is a little awkward mostly because you use three different verb tenses in one sentence. If you want to keep the narrative in present tense, I would recommend something along the lines of "In the distance, he sees the bush and light post that have led him to find what is right in front of him." Even then "what is right in front of him" is a bit wordy and would be better off with something like "the body."
In the distance, he sees the bush and light post that had led him to find what was in front of him.
This point is a bit debatable, but technically this is a fragment. There's nothing wrong with using a few fragments for effect, and can ignore this if you want, but I don't think the sentence suffers much if you add "He was" to the beginning.Finally, the penultimate sentence is a little long, which is a bit of a problem since many of the sentences before it are short, heightening the dramatic effect.Sorry that was long, but I hope it helps. Keep in mind that these suggestions (other than the grammar) are only my opinions. You know how to keep the reader engaged, and this story demonstrates strong writing skills. Overall, this is an excellent story.
So shocked, in fact, that it is just too much for him.
Posted Sep 10 2012 - 09:39 PM
The word "spotted" here is inconsistent with the present tense you have developed earlier in the sentence. And you don't need the words, "Something wasn't right." at the end because it should be evident to the reader that something isn't from the sentence you gave from before those words. Show, not tell - the problem is, not only have you shown but also told.
He walks down a cold and dirty street heading home from a long day of working. His surroundings are familiar; so familiar, in fact, that he spotted a missing light post, as well as the absence of a plant he so often saw on his way home. Something wasn’t right.
but perhaps an explanation of what he saw is in order…That's the fourth wall breaking. Then you switch to past tense. It makes the whole shift that more pronounced, and shows that you are forcing the story to go in a certain direction. If you make a shift, don't tell the reader that you're making one, just make it, and hopefully we won't notice. Also, I don't think we really needed the explanation, exactly. Or at least it could have been done better. Maybe the story of the murder could have come first, then the curiosity. Swap mystery for creepy suspense. Might have worked better.Keep up the good work. You had a fairly good idea, just suffered in the execution (pun not intended).
Edited by fishers64, Sep 10 2012 - 09:40 PM.
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