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Dreams of darkness


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2 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Jan 19 2013 - 11:45 AM

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Dreams of Darkness[/font]

_______________________________________________

 

"I am Jaller. Captain of the Guard, . Duty is my focus, proud Ta-matoran of Metru-nui and above  all  I'll never give up"

 

He searched through his mind but nothing else was to be found.

 

Time, time had gone by, but never returned, consumed by darness it laid behind his reach.

 

He was fighting a neverending battle doomed to lose.

 

Shapes, only the word sphere could be remembered, totally confusing his weakened mind.

 

Were light has faded, darkness ruled and even then it was entering the very place it should never reach... The mind...

 

"...Jaller Captain of the Guard,....Matoran of Metru Nui, Focus is ... Duty, ..., I'll never give up"

 

His memories vanished and were replaced by dark dreams, soon everything would be gone.

 

A paradise was taken, controlled by madness.

 

The Toa the mighty heroes had failed.

 

"Toa, what's a Toa" he wondered having forgotten the very meaning of the word.

 

He was awake, or not? He could think, but yet not move, and his toughts were soon to be forgotten.

 

Sadness and pain, were placed where hapiness belonged.

 

The awful sense of cold steel made him mad.

 

"Betrayal" This word was repeated in his mind over and over again, being betrayed by the very person he trusted the most.

 

"I...Jaller...Guardcaptain,...Matoran..., Duty...,Ta..."

 

Darness consumed the remains of his memory. All was lost, help would arrive too late.

 

But, what is late when time itself is gone. Light found itself and entered the endless darkness.

 

His muscles restarted, battling the influence that ages of darkness had left.

 

A sound was heard: Breaking metal. 

 

The meaning of this didn't bother him, for he was focussed on the light.

 

He forced himself to climb trough the fading darkness, onwards to the light.

 

"I'll never give up... I, have a duty!"

 

Madness was at its peak. 

 

He made it out, and light drove the shadow away, but the dark dreams were not yet forgotten.

 

A Kanohi scattered, and all went black...

 

"I am Jaller... Never give up!"

 

A mysterious voice quoted a poem he'd never heared before, but once he'd know the meaning of it.

 

Evil knows, that hope is afloat.

 

Where life is enslaved, all can be saved.

 

Light will unite, what now darkness divides.Spark the flame of the heart, for the future to start.

 

The poem endend when he woke up, he was lying on a beach in the bright sunlight.

 

Walking to the sea he noticed in his reflection that his loved Komau was replaced by a strange yellow Hau.

 

It didn't bother him that much, for he was back in the lands of light and he was happy to pay whatever was nessecairy to stay there.

 

The next few days he spent getting used to his new Kanohi and staring at the endless sea, enjoying the bright sunlight.

 

"I am Jaller and I'll never give up!"


Edited by Dual Matrix, Feb 20 2013 - 07:52 AM.

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#2 Offline Mel

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Posted Feb 19 2013 - 08:26 PM

Official Short Stories Critics' Club Review So let me say that I just think it's destiny that Velox assigned this story to me.  I don't know if you've read anything of mine, but I love Jallerangst.  It's a habit of mine.  So I really like the idea of this story, and how it seems to flicker between past and future.  From the end, I assume it's set just before Jaller woke up from the Matoran sphere after being awoken by the Toa (now Turaga) Metru. Which brings me to my first point.  You have some contradictions with canon here.  Now I'm usually not a stickler for canon, but these are some inconstancy that really interfere with the story as a whole.  First of all, Jaller wasn't captain of the guard in Metru Nui.  They didn't need them because the Vahki supposedly took care of everything.  Jaller was a mask crafter, and he was still named Jala because he didn't receive his current name until after the Bohrahk attacked. A smaller inconsistency:  Jala was actually away when he received Lhikan's mask from Vakama. Now, on to nitpicking.  I hope it's not presumptuous to ask if English is your second language.  I'm going to point out some things that you should try and follow in your writing.  

"I am Jaller, Captain of the Guard, proud Matoran of Metru Nui, Duty is my focus, Fire is my element and above  all  I'll never give up"

 Besides the canon inconstancy that I pointed out earlier, this has a few things I would change.  First of all, the last two commas should be changed to periods.  Second-it's a bit odd for Jaller to think of Fire as his element, since he's not a Toa and it doesn't really effect him that much.  I would think that it would be more natural to think of himself as a Ta-matoran. So I would revise this sentence to read:

"I am Jaller, mask maker, proud Ta-matoran of Metru-nui.  Duty is my focus.  Above all I will never give in."

  

He searched trough through his mind but nothing else was to be found.

 This is the first incidence of passive voice in you story, but it is followed by quite a lot of others.  In general, you should avoid saying "it was done" and instead say "he did this" because the latter is much stronger.  Thus I would amend this sentence so it looks like this.

He searched through his mind, but he could find nothing else.

 

Time, time has had gone by, but never returned[color=#ff0000;].[/color] Consumed by darkness, it lied laid behind beyond his reach.

Careful.  You can't just use a comma to connect to sentences without a word like and, but, or or.  Also be aware of the tense you're writing in.  If you're writing in past tense, keep it that way.  "Laid" is the past tense of "lay."  (Don't worry, I actually had to look this up.  English is hard. XD) 

He was battling fighting a never-ending battle that he was doomed to lose.

 Avoid redundancy.  

Forms, only the word sphere could be remembered, totally confusing his weakened mind.

 I'm not sure what you mean by "forms" in this sentence. 

 

The awefull sense of cold steel made him mad.

Should be "awful."  Make sure you run your story through a word processor; spell check should catch this kind of error.

 

Madness was at its peak.

 

Passive voice again, though this sentence sounds strange in general.  I notice throughout this story you do a whole lot of talking about madness and the like, but you don't give us much of a picture.  However, I feel that images (meaning things you can see, but also sounds, smells, etc.) are essential to creating a feelings of sadness and confusion that carry through to the readers.

 

Overall, I like idea you have hear, but it needs to be fleshed out and specified.  If you have any more questions, feel free to ask me.  And keep writing. ^^


Edited by Yukiko, Feb 19 2013 - 08:26 PM.

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#3 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Feb 20 2013 - 07:47 AM

Official Short Stories Critics' Club Review So let me say that I just think it's destiny that Velox assigned this story to me.  I don't know if you've read anything of mine, but I love Jallerangst.  It's a habit of mine.  So I really like the idea of this story, and how it seems to flicker between past and future.  From the end, I assume it's set just before Jaller woke up from the Matoran sphere after being awoken by the Toa (now Turaga) Metru. 

I like those kind of stories too, I have anonther good idea but I'll keep that for this FF contest now. 

Which brings me to my first point.  You have some contradictions with canon here.  Now I'm usually not a stickler for canon, but these are some inconstancy that really interfere with the story as a whole.  First of all, Jaller wasn't captain of the guard in Metru Nui.  They didn't need them because the Vahki supposedly took care of everything.  Jaller was a mask crafter, and he was still named Jala because he didn't receive his current name until after the Bohrahk attacked. A smaller inconsistency:  Jala was actually away when he received Lhikan's mask from Vakama. 

Strange seing me making faults in canon since I'm the one who mostly is annoyed a about others not following it :)Trough, I knew about the Jala/Jaller thing but decided to stick to Jaller, since I found it sounding better.   

Now, on to nitpicking.  I hope it's not presumptuous to ask if English is your second language.  I'm going to point out some things that you should try and follow in your writing. 

Third of my four langues to be exact :) Thanks for helping me better myself, that one of the major reasons I began with writing. 

"I am Jaller, Captain of the Guard, proud Matoran of Metru Nui, Duty is my focus, Fire is my element and above  all  I'll never give up"

 Besides the canon inconstancy that I pointed out earlier, this has a few things I would change.  First of all, the last two commas should be changed to periods. Second-it's a bit odd for Jaller to think of Fire as his element, since he's not a Toa and it doesn't really effect him that much.  I would think that it would be more natural to think of himself as a Ta-matoran.

 I can see what you mean with the fire. 

So I would revise this sentence to read:

"I am Jaller, mask maker, proud Ta-matoran of Metru-nui.  Duty is my focus.  Above all I will never give in."

 Sounds better indeed. 

He searched trough through his mind but nothing else was to be found.

This is the first incidence of passive voice in you story, but it is followed by quite a lot of others.  In general, you should avoid saying "it was done" and instead say "he did this" because the latter is much stronger.  Thus I would amend this sentence so it looks like this.

He searched through his mind, but he could find nothing else.

  

 

I can see what you mean with the passive voice thing, and of course I can't deny it sounds weird. Therefore I wouldn't use it in any other type of story, but I found it quite fitting here. And of course I simply find the English passive form sounds awesome :) So I won't change this thing. 

Time, time has had gone by, but never returned[color=#ff0000;].[/color] Consumed by darkness, it lied laid behind beyond his reach.

Careful.  You can't just use a comma to connect to sentences without a word like and, but, or or.  Also be aware of the tense you're writing in.  If you're writing in past tense, keep it that way.  "Laid" is the past tense of "lay."  (Don't worry, I actually had to look this up.  English is hard. XD)

 Ah yes, the old story here, that's exactly the stuff we learn in Latin, I should pay more attention there, but at least I know what you mean. The tenses of Lay are quite hard, but now at least I know for sure.   

He was battling fighting a never-ending battle that he was doomed to lose.

 Avoid redundancy.

 Must've totally forgot that, indeed twice battle sounds quite odd. 

Forms, only the word sphere could be remembered, totally confusing his weakened mind.

I'm not sure what you mean by "forms" in this sentence.

 I see my mistake here, "Vorm" is the dutch translation of "Shape" but also means "To form" so I mixed the two here :) 

The awefull sense of cold steel made him mad.

Should be "awful."  Make sure you run your story through a word processor; spell check should catch this kind of error.

 Another new word learned :) 

Madness was at its peak.

 Passive voice again, though this sentence sounds strange in general.  I notice throughout this story you do a whole lot of talking about madness and the like, but you don't give us much of a picture.  However, I feel that images (meaning things you can see, but also sounds, smells, etc.) are essential to creating a feelings of sadness and confusion that carry through to the readers.

 I know it, but I haven't quite reached the level of vocabulary to shape such a picture, but I'll try harder next time. 

Overall, I like idea you have hear, but it needs to be fleshed out and specified.  If you have any more questions, feel free to ask me.  And keep writing. ^^ 

 Thanks for reviewing, it really helps.


Edited by Dual Matrix, Feb 20 2013 - 07:48 AM.

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