(This is a rather personal position piece, where I do talk about some very personal events in my life -- I'm speaking from my perspective here, just a note)

(and no, it's not written with the utmost grammatical scrutiny)

Okay, numerous things prompted me to make this entry. But I do feel like a lot of people haven't entirely grasped what this concept is, why it's a touchy subject and why belittling and undermining it ticks people off.

As a LGBT+ individual, I've had it easy. Very easy. Yes: there are a lot of problems, pressures, anxiety-attacks, bad situations and histories that I have and worries that I have going forward but, compared to a lot of people -- people I've talked with, known and am even friends with -- I've had it light. So I cannot even begin to make this a blanket entry and I shouldn't: I can only accurately explain my position and no one else's and to do otherwise would, potentially, disenfranchise someone else's experiences that may have been a lot worse.

Here goes.

Growing up I've lived in various, various places. From Minnesota, to Pennsylvania, to Texas, to (visiting for months on end) Arkansas, to Colorado and now Wisconsin (and various towns therein). No matter where I lived I always saw homophobia and transphobia. As a very young kid I never understood what it all was; I didn't even know the term "gay" until early Middle School. But I lived in more conservative areas -- conservative suburbs, small religious communities (Orthodox Jewish communities, namely) and in communities with five churches every mile that were all extremely "traditional" in nature. In this environment I, somehow, ended up not really caring what someone's sexual orientation was and, later, what their gender identity is -- well for the latter I care because I most definitely will go out of my way to use preferred pronouns (and I ought be slapped if I don't). But, back in early middle school, I didn't see it as an issue at all but we also didn't have any out and about gay students or trans students. At most people would use inappropriate terms to refer to mundane things (But this does not make it any more appropriate!) such as calling an event "gay" and so on.

It was mid-middle-school (wrap your head around that term) when I started to realize something about myself. Simply, I was not into the girls and was far more into the boys (fictional boys, but whatever).

After a whole year of stuff best dedicated to some other entry (as it doesn't quite fit into this one), I came to identify, to myself, as "Gay." I told no one at first and, basically, lived in the closet. Here's why:

- Where I lived for the last six or eight years (two different locations, mind you) the sentiment towards the LGBT+ community as a whole was overwhelmingly negative. In Colorado, where I last lived, there was a Church that openly advocated Reparative Therapy and Gay-Straight Camps. If you don't know, those two methods are wretched. Beyond wretched. Many of those so-called camps have been shut down and are not legally allowed to be operated in most first world countries: there are some really horrendous stories, scandals, testimonies and victims that come out of those places. Reparative Therapy, in comparison, used to be torturous (electroshock therapy used to be a viable method) and even if it's not so much physically torturous anymore: It instills a sense of guilt, a horrible, horrible sense of guilt into patients. It makes them feel terrible for feeling the way they do. It's a horrible practice that is just a front for emotional abuse and many, many people who have undergone this sort of "treatment" have committed suicide soon thereafter. There's a reason why it's illegal for minors to be admitted to such practices in California, and why the American Psychological Association (among others) do not see it as a viable practice.

In Texas, I lived in an extremely religious neighborhood that was, essentially, a borderline ghetto (it was right next to a ghetto, with all the violence and everything). I was going to the religious school as it was the only school in the area that was relatively safe to be in (might've changed). At this school students were denied admission on grounds of ADHD and disabilities. Some students were expelled for less. The religion I was partaking in, at the time (I'm... basically just utterly non-religious now), held that homosexuality is a sin. They held that rather adamantly, actually.

Had I come out at this school:

- I could potentially have been expelled.

- I could potentially have been attacked (as other students so often threatened gay people; trans-people not so much although I suspect they just didn't know about trans folk).

- I could potentially have risked ostracizing my family from the community. (Granted, many adults expressed frightening sentiments towards, specifically, gay people).

- There was a chance our property could have been vandalized (which, recently, happened in Pennsylvania near a place I actually lived) and with our living situation, that would not have been affordable to fix.

- I could lose my friends (And did lose some).

- I was scared of being sent to those aforementioned camps and therapy sessions.

So I stayed silent at age 12, worrying about these types of things and undergoing a lot of stress because of it. At the time, I didn't even know if my mother would have accepted me, I didn't know her stances on anything and she hung out with a lot of the adults I didn't like (sans some). I had read horror stories of kids, who lived in religious communities like this, who were kicked to the curb because they were gay. I didn't want to be homeless, I didn't want to upset my mother, I didn't want to run the risk of being expelled from the school I went to, I didn't want to give people more reasons to pick on me and hurt my feelings. I didn't want to be a problem and so I chose to live in the closet, keeping to myself and lying whenever such subjects came up.

When we moved I felt excited: new school, new people (albeit I have social anxiety issues, so that frightened me), but I hoped it'd be a more accepting community. Especially since it was close to Denver.

Nope. But it was a bit better.

Living in Colorado, I made no friends. I didn't want friends; to be honest I was quite scared to have friends. For me and my life, friends have by and large been the people who ended up hurting me the most and I was in this mindset of "get through High School with as little pain as possible." So in my first three years, I never made a friend. Well, good friends -- namely as I was scared what they might do, or say, if they found out I was gay. (I don't condone doing this, by the way).

On top of struggling with Social Phobia/Social Anxiety Disorder (Therapist said both, so) and Depression (which I was put on medication for, that and the Social Anxiety) I was struggling with a lot of stress. Every year I missed a huge chunk of school days. Living in the closet and trying to keep people from getting to know me, in the end, hurt me extremely and all of the problems I was going through were amplified because of that sole fact.

In my Sophomore year... where do I start...

I was on the School Newspaper and did a center piece, with others, on the LGBT+ Community at our school. We had... I believe two openly gay students (one of whom got a lot of behind-the-back talk in ninth grade), and at the time we had one open lesbian student. I just covered the repeal of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy as it made the military, as a lot of our students were interested in it, as a viable career option for LGB+ people (sadly not trans/genderqueer folk as DADT only covered sexual orientation).

One student went on a tirade on a social networking site over it. Defaced the pages, insulted the writers and said just hurtful things at every turn. A parent actually emailed the teacher about the page and actually had the audacity to insult the students who put it together. Saying words not appropriate for BZPower.

Another story?

In my AP US History class I sat next to a student who openly advocated the death of gay people. He went on tirades about how gay men are beasts at best with low intelligence levels (Ha. Ha. I helped him with his work.). He would use terms inappropriate for BZPower to refer to gay people and, so many times, I wanted to seriously speak out but could not. I wasn't out at the time, no other students ever spoke out -- I didn't even know if any of them would agree with me, or if they'd all turn on me.

During my Junior year, the great "Gay Marriage Debate" came up in my AP US Government course.

Where the teacher basically discredited such a notion. I had a whole thing I could have gone on but, at first, did not. (I did later, and I felt good afterwards).

Now at this school I knew I would not be expelled for coming out. I knew I wouldn't be ostracized from any church because I didn't go to any. I still felt uncomfortable around a lot of students, but I found a safe place amongst the art students (admittedly, very talented ones) who were a mixture of gay/bi/lesbian/straight people who were just not open about it. When I needed help I would talk to some of the art teachers, mainly as they really liked me as a student and offered to help me on days where I was stressed or experiencing breakdowns.

I still stayed in the closet due to previous fears and not wanting to be one of those students people talked about behind my back. (I only actually "came out" after two months in the LGBST Club late Junior year... headed by one of the art teachers I got help from). The posters for this club were defaced, ripped down and nasty things were written on them. Just for some context. (Our school implemented a stricter penalty for defacing these posters, which is what stopped it).

And that's just school life.

I had no idea what my family would think. A lot of them are devout Catholics so I was -- still am -- nervous to ever have to mention it to them. I didn't know what my father would think, still don't, and I don't care to find out given some of the things he's said in the past on the subject.

Admittedly, I'm only comfortable "being out" online because no one in real life knows me online. Even though people on this website say incredibly hurtful, harmful things that only perpetuate the mindsets above (Y'know, the one that thinks Reparative Therapy is a good idea). But I don't think any of them really understand the gravity of these situations. I don't think a lot of people understand why it hurts. But here it is from me:

I come to BZPower, the internet, to hang out and have a fun time with cool people. I get a lot of dung for it in real life. I get more than I can shovel. And when someone makes a mundane entry on this website and people go in and upset that person, or when someone has the intent to say something hurtful and upsetting just for attention -- Well I am sorry. I have absolutely zero respect for you. It's a horrible thing to do. It's a wretched, disgusting thing to take someone else's problems and belittle them. It's sickening when people take actual, serious, issues and devolve them into nothing.

People DIE because they come out of the closet.

In some countries, being gay (or trans/genderqueer) is a DEATH SENTENCE. Literally and LEGALLY.

People are kicked from their HOMES because they come out of the closet.

People commit SUICIDE because they are forced to be in the closet with a locked door.

This isn't some cutesy little thing you can just arbitrarily apply to anything.

This is a serious issue that can, and has, ruined lives.

I know I'm not the most articulate member, and that I likely botched some things up but... I just had to say something on this because it really hits home for me.