Remember, always remember, this valuable, priceless piece of wisdom that will serve you well in just about every situation:

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. Never forget this.

No, really, that should come in handy. Just so long as you have a roll of the silver wonder, you should be well off in any scenario, even one involving giant maggot space toasters from the planet Gllllllokkanyockurghckn'yob M'spoo l'hoorgnoghflorgck.

And another tidbit of wisdom: "Roses are red, violets are blue, but they both hurt when they're jabbed into your eyes."

Some more:

"It doesn't count as felony if nobody catches you."

"Richard Simmons is not human. The only way to ward him off is by throwing a bag of cheese puffs at him. That or mocking his choice of songs for his "sweating to the oldies" tapes."

"When in doubt, blame somebody else."

"Have I ever explained the benefits of being a human shield to you?"