Bionicle - An Outsider's Perspective - Part Ii
Entry posted by Sumiki
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The second in the remarkable copypasta series.
Toa
The Toa are the resident superheroes (or "Toa-Heroes") of the BIONICLE universe. They evolve from useless Matorans and evolved to even more useless Turaga once they have completed their "destiny." (For some reason no Toa have thought of saying "screw you" to their "destiny", and remaining awesome forever.) Up until 2006, LEGO usually released them as the first line of the year. Then, in 2006, in a bold, controversial move, LEGO released them as the second line of the year, and put the Piraka, the first-ever "ghetto" BIONICLE, first.
Toa Mata
The first series of the models, this team oversees the whole company, due to their lack of knees preventing them getting around much. If they do need to see action, they can always dip themselves in weird silver lava, and become the Toa Nuva, and get dual-action tools. If that's not enough, they don some snazzy adaptive armour and jetpacks, becoming the Toa Mistika/Phantoka. Their members are:
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Tahu, Toa of Ash
, who established a long upheld BIONICLE tradition of the red guy being either the coolest, or the leader, or both. This guy actually got broken into pieces at the start of the series, but was able to reassemble himself, proving beyond a doubt that the BIONICLE are robots, not some kind of bio-mechanical crud.
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Onua, Toa of Earth
. Onua established another firmly held tradition of BIONICLE: The black guys always have the lamest masks. ALWAYS. Talk about racism ... Also, he's so dumb that he thinks you need chainsaws to dig through the Earth. He also thinks they can be worn as rollerblades. Apparently, the BIONICLE story team is even dumber than Onua, because
this actually works in the comics.
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Gali, the sexiest member of the team
. Gali is in fact the hottest being in the BIONICLE universe, but the the Toa Mata kinda keep her under wraps to prevent a robosexual uprising. You know the incredibly miraculous thing about Gali and all other female Toa? Five guys and one girl to a team, and there has never once been a fight over the girl, ever. Well, either that, or all the guys are gay.
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Kopaka, Toa of Slush
. Seriously, this guy is cold. He's emotionless, the Toa Mata's Mr. Spock, and he's... Gali's boyfriend?! LEGO, surely you jest! Anyway, Kopaka's mask of X-Ray Vision (No joke, that's what they call it), and his "zoom" attachment (also not a joke) allows him to see them from great distances.
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Pohatu (Or 'Po,' for short), the Toa of Punk Rock
. This guy has the ability to kick rocks like they were soccer balls. Unfortunately, this means that in the original 2001 LEGO sets, when everyone else had cool tools, all he got was a rock. And some cool shoes, but they don't count. He complained to LEGO, and got upgraded to a pair of dumb claws while everyone else was getting awesome dual-action weapons. Finally, he complained again in 2008, and they gave him propellers. Pohatu now plans on leaving LEGO as soon as his contract expires, and joining up with Mega Bloks.
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Lewa, the Toa of Silly Speech
. Unlike the other Toa, Lewa feels it is necessary to speak in a language designed by LEGO to be a point of comic relief in BIONICLE. This is made up by the fact that he can fly, and his Irish-sounding voice.
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And the surprise bonus, Takanuva (also known as Takkie), the Toa of Light
! Basically a Toa Nuva, except he got a whole movie devoted to his origin story. He's stupid, and everything a seventh member of a team should be. No one knew him before he joined, and they still don't. He's come back from the dead on more than one occasion, but no one cares.
Toa Metru
These guys whoop some real tushie. They take the most missions, they look cool, and they have the hottest girl of them all. Except Gali, who could whup her tushie any day and every day. They got mutated once into half-animals, half-people but the nuclear scientists who did it to them apologized and they got turned back into their normal forms. After they ate the scientist's heads first, of course. Their members are:
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Vakama, Toa of Fire
. This guy kept receiving "visions" from the "Great Spirit," leading all of the other members of the team to conclude he had had too much "powdered protodermis." Vakama wore the Great Mask of Concealment (LEGO was afraid if they called it a Mask of Invisibility, J.K. Rowling would sue them), and carried a launching device that could shoot LEGO collectibles.
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Nokama, Toa of Water
. Nokama, as said before, was the 2nd-hottest BIONICLE chick ever. Which is kind of creepy when you think about it. Does that mean BIONICLE fans honestly think she's hot?
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Matau, Toa of Wind
, who is the distant evolutionary ancestor of Lewa. When LEGO came up with this guy, they had come to their senses, and thus made him Nokama's boyfriend, rather than team's Mr. Spock.
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Nuju
was the aforementioned Mr. Spock, and the Toa of Ice. More racism, LEGO! He wore the Mask of Ripping Off Certain Other Ice Toa So Bad BIONICLE Geeks Can't Tell Them Apart.
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Whenua, the Toa of Rock
, kept up the great BIONICLE tradition of giving the black guy the lamest mask. However, he did get some neat ax things that fit together, so that kept everyone happy.
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Onewa
was essentially the team's skeptical Han Solo to Vakama's mystic Obi-Wan Kenobi. However, he did NOT wind up marrying Nokama.
Toa Inika/Mahri
In 2006, the fandom was afraid that LEGO was going to forget about masks altogether, in favor of Piraka faces. LEGO assured them, "Don't worry, you'll have your masks..." and fandom breathed a collective sigh of relief. Then, LEGO continued, "...They just won't be compatible with any other masks ever made, ever!" The infuriated fandom punched LEGO in the face, and did so again when they discovered that the Inika only had 2 types of tools: launchers that shot marbles (or, as LEGO kept referring to them as, "zamor spheres"), and "light-up swords"! Ohh! Light-up! Needless to say, the fandom has never trusted LEGO since. The members of the Inika are:
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Jaller
was the red guy, and had the Mask of Fate. When he used it on bad guys, they would start endlessly debating free will against divine preordination, until Jaller snuck up and bashed their heads off. (And with his light up sword!)
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Nuparu
was the first black guy to get a cool mask. Unfortunately, he couldn't leave it lying around, because it was so spiky the Toa who stepped on it would be unreturnable, if you know what we mean. Did we mention he has a mounted marble shooter?
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Kongu
, The horrible, horrible result of a botched plastic surgery, and/or LEGO's attempt to rip off Two-Face. One side looked like some kids stuck it on a hot lightbulb, and other like a bad case of dried skin. Did we mention he has a lightup crossbow?
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Hahli
is supposedly a girl, but it doesn't really matter, because she is nowhere near being the hottest Toa in the universe. Did we mention she once had a mustache?
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Hewkii
: Decided the brown was dumb so he became yellow.
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Matoro
: Matoro is the most venerated canister set in the BIONICLE Universe, because he suffered and died for our ... well, he died for some heroic reason! Remember him! Even if he looks sort of stupid!
Tune in next time for Part III, where we tackle the bad guys of BIONICLE!
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