Steelsheen

I love this story! Even though I really still have no concept of where this world fits with the BIONICLE universe (other than the Great Beings), I'm totally enthralled by this new dimension. My favorite Seraphs are Landrak, Endico and Talise - the depth and scope of their characters is great. Keep the posts coming!

Here's where to tell me what you think of my story! Any suggestions with regards to clarity or grammar are especially welcome.-HHChapter Index:Stave 1 Stave 11 Stave 21Stave 2 Stave 12 Stave 22Stave 3 Stave 13 Stave 23Stave 4 Stave 14 Stave 24Stave 5 Stave 15 Stave 25Stave 6 Stave 16 Stave 26Stave 7 Stave 17 Stave 27Stave 8 Stave 18 Stave 28Stave 9 Stave 19 Stave 29Stave 10 Stave 20

Author's note: I do not follow canon very closely, particularly with regards to BIONICLE anatomy. I have them about 60% biological (blood, organs, muscles, even hair) and 40% mechanical. They also have familial relationships, children and females and males in all elemental types. Matoran have an average lifespan of 250-300 years, while Toa live for nearly 5,000. Also, this is a "what if" story, although I'm not going to reveal exactly what was altered... That's something you have to discover for yourself.I rate this PG-13 for violence, death and mild romance.EDIT: Because of the length of this epic, there is a chapter index in the Review topic.

Telet tried for what felt like the millionth time to slide his hands through the small gap between the chains and his skin. His chapped wrists protested against the pressure, but he ignored it, trying to work himself free. Even thin and wasted as he was, there was not enough space to get out. "I hate you." he spat at his captor. "That's your problem, not mine." the tall dark figure replied, touching his arm. For so strong a being, he was surprisingly gentle. "I think you're merely misreading what you've seen, but that's just me." "I didn't misread anything! You're not the Great Spirit, and you're not our savior! You may have everyone else thinking you are, but I know better!" A glimmer of a frown crossed the tall being's face. "Your resistance to my benevolence is growing tiresome, matoran." The touch became ever so slightly more rough. "Who else did you tell about what you found?" "No one." Telet tossed his head bravely. "I didn't have time before your Vahki grabbed me." The being stared directly into the matoran's eyes, trying to read the small one's thoughts. It did no good - whatever training this matoran had put himself through, it had included some sort of mind shielding. Which means he hasn't just been reading, the being realized. Someone has to have trained him. "Impressive. Not many can withstand my gaze. So, I must ask, who was your teacher?" The Onu-matoran never broke eye contact. "No one. I taught myself. It was useful when dealing with Vahki." "Yes, I suppose it was." The tall being removed his hand and took a few steps back, examining his captive again, searching for a weak spot. "And yet, those same Vahki managed to find you, and bring you to me. It seems you must not know everything." "I know enough to stop you." Telet smiled grimly. He could feel the pain wracking his chest now, and he choked on something. Spitting it out, a bit of blood ran down his lip. "What's the matter?" the being asked, hastening to examine his face. Telet fought against the urge to cough up more blood. "I'm not stupid. I knew if you didn't get what you wanted from my mind, you'd torture me. And I'd cave. If what the tablets said was accurate, people stronger than me have caved." Involuntarily, he gagged again. "Your Vahki-scraps weren't quick enough when they searched me." The being's face was full of suspicion now. "What have you done, matoran?" Roughly, he yanked the matoran to his feet, snapping the chains with his telekinesis. Telet merely smiled. The pain was gone now, replaced by a numbness. He knew that meant he only had a few seconds. "You... will never... win. Others... Others will find out... what I found. You can't win... You won't." Even as he grasped the knowledge that the matoran had poisoned himself, the being smiled. "Fool. I already have." He dropped the Onu-matoran to the floor carelessly, then turned to a Vahki who stood awaiting orders. "Summon the Toa. I have a few issues to discuss." Gyet, Telet willed his thoughts to reach his closest friend, he knows. They're coming. They're... looking... The tall one glanced back at the matoran as the Vahki exited the chamber. His heartlight was dark. "A noble, but pointless death." He kicked the corpse across the room. No matoran would keep that knowledge to himself, he mused. He had accomplices. And in that lies their weakness - matoran always crack when you threaten one of their own. He looked proudly at the polished silver walls which reflected his own gleaming form: ebony and gold armor buffed to a mirror-like sheen, huge wings that seemed like they belonged on a colorful rahi, and his ancient kanohi. I truly look like the Great Spirit. I am the Great Spirit, after all.Review

Agreed, Podu. It wasn't mysterious; just incredibly complicated and inexplicable.

Granted, but MakutaKlak not only beats them, he mutates them into Hordika!I wish there were more emoticons on BZP.

Granted, but then Lewa has a lot more to talk about and drives everyone crazy.I wish I had a mango.

Granted, but... I can't grant that! NEVER too much LEGO! ;)I wish the above poster would change his wish.

Granted, but you are an ambassador to Destral. :oI wish there were trees on Metru-Nui, so the Le-matoran could vineswing.

Excellent, excellent! Good topic for a short story, and very nicely executed. Your writing is realistic and engaging, your dialogue is natural and your grammar is practically perfect. Well done! Only thing I might've changed was to have the matoran use his name in some of his thoughts, but that's pretty immaterial.

I think BIONICLE was already stretched out too long - it had it's climax (Matoro/Ignika) and then it just... kept going. C. S. Lewis once said said that a story was like water running through a faucet, and once the story was done, the faucet turned off - it's simply done. And if you try to go on, it just sounds forced.If they brought BIONICLE back, I'd most likely just ignore it.

ECC ReviewTekulo: Your plot line is a classic - people getting pulled into another world makes for all kinds of great stories! However, you've chosen very unique and specific characters for the journey, which gives DtD something of a different tang than the usual "flung into space" story. (That's a good thing, by the way!) Your crypticness in showing where the characters are and how Laza and Tetak got "pulled" into this new world gets a five-star rating, though the foreshadowing may just a little too easy to read. And thank you, thank you, for the attention to spelling - there's a few things you missed, but the majority of the writing is crisp and clean. If you want to get everything flawless, try writing in a Word or Pages format (or whatever writing program your computer uses) and just run it through spellcheck before you post. As you go further into the story, I think it would be a good idea to show other facets of Tetak's and Laza's characters; both seem a little two-dimensional at this point. For example, Laza simply appears to be angry at life in general, and Tetak seems a little afraid of anything and everything. The reader needs to feel that they both have driving purposes in their lives, even if that purpose is that they have lost their purpose! Of course, it's still early in the epic, so there's plenty of time for all that, but we need to see glimpses of it pretty early on. The question all readers are asking is "why?", and it's your job to give them just enough answers that they keep asking. All notes aside, they both have great potential as characters, so use them to their fullest! I'm assuming more about Nia and Jet will be revealed over time, but I'll go off what you've given me so far. Jet is certainly a believable Glatorian - big, abrupt, possibly snobby, and pretty intimidating - but Nia's curiosity may be a little overplayed. Her attempted sympathy and utter confusion stemming from the two matoran is good insight into her character, and very realistic. Again, I can't really judge either of them any better than that, because I simply haven't seen enough of them yet. (I'm sure I will, though ) The transitioning between scenes reads almost like a murder mystery movie, where the camera never quite shows you people's faces or where you are. This style is a little hard to follow, but helpful - in fact, necessary - for the story. I also like how you made sure not to reveal everything about what happened or where the matoran are all at once. Timing is everything, and you clearly understand that with regards to narration. Overall, this is not an easy read, but it is a good one. I look forward to the mysteries being revealed!-Hahli Historian

What is this white liquid coming from my gears?(Ftr, that's a Bolt reference. Just in case you haven't seen the movie.)

Will someone please explain why a bunch of people like this show so much?! I watched the first six episodes of season 1, just so I could form an accurate opinion... It's cute and everything, but an internet phenomenon about anime ponies? Really? I just don't get it.Ok, let the flaming begin, lol.

Oh, I'd definitely make a movie of some of the unsung heroes of the Dark Ages, like King Alfred. There are so many exciting stories in that period of history, but no one seems interested in them anymore!

The song is Here Come Those Eyes by Chris Rice.------------- Hewkii stretched his neck, eager for the announcer to stop talking and the kohlii match to begin. This was his fourth game of the season, and the other three had all been victories. Not that it could have gone otherwise, he grinned. I invented this new version. How can anyone beat me at my own game? "Let the game begin!" Jeletu declared through his announcer's horn. Instantly, Hewkii darted for the hole where the ball emerged. The Ga-matoran forward, Hahli, tried to mimic his movement, but she was still a novice. He reached the ball first and sprinted across the field. He counted the seconds, then at just the right moment, he backflipped over Hahli's head. In her suprise and attempt to watch his move, she tripped and stumbled. That was all he needed. He slammed the ball towards the Ga-matoran goal.Here come those eyesThere goes my ability to breatheThose legs are walking her to meOh, tell me I ain't dreaming The Ga-matoran goalie leaped into the air and caught the flying ball with the grace and ease of a veteran. Even after all the time he had known her, Hewkii was impressed. Macku was still the best player he knew. Too bad she got teamed with a rookie this year, he thought, even as he raced to catch the ball again. We could've had an epic championship game.And here comes that smileI can't even move, can't even blink'Cause I don't wanna miss a thing "And that's the game!" Jeletu proclaimed proudly, over the cheers and whistles of the rowdy Po-matoran. "Final score: Po-koro, 5; Ga-koro, 2!" "Not bad that time, Macku." Hewkii teased as she stepped to the center of the field to concede the victory. "Seven blocked shots is impressive against anyone, let alone me." She grinned and tossed her head. "You just wait. I'll beat you yet." "Only when I let you." he replied as the four players bowed to Turaga Onewa. "And I like you so much, I might just do that one day... Nah." Quickly, she planted her feet and gave him a hard shove, nearly making him lose his balance and take a dive into the sand floor of the stadium. "Never underestimate me, Hewkii. Never." Oh, trust me, he smiled, I don't.And I ain't even foolin'When I say the boys and droolin'And the girls are all staring her downMy knees go weakAnd my heart starts to pound "Can you stay in Po-koro for a few days? For training, of course." he asked as he and Macku walked out of the stadium side by side. She laughed. "Training, huh? You still have all the tact of a Muaka." "And you still say yes when I ask you to stay." he replied, waving to the cheering fans behind them. Macku crossed her arms. "Fine. But in exchange, you actually do some training with me. Deal?" "Mata Nui, yes!" Hafu imitated Hewkii's voice as best he could. "You're the woman of my dreams, Macku, and I'll do anything for you!" "Shut up, you maha goat." Hewkii shoved his kohlii partner's shoulder. "Can't you tell when two's company?"It happens every timeShe saunters into the roomIt all blurs and it all starts to zoomAnd then my head starts spinning "You'll come to Ta-koro to watch the championship, right?" he asked as the two girls stepped onto their boat, preparing to leave. "Hey, Mr. Champ, we might still be in the championship." Macku reminded him. "We've won two of our games already. This time, he spoke seriously. "Be careful going home. Watch out for Tarakava." "We will; don't worry so much! I can handle myself!" She gave him a quick hug, then tossed her pack into the boat and leaped lightly on board. "That's why I worry!" he teased. "With you in charge, nobody's safe!" As he expected, she shook her head mockingly and cast off the rope. Moving their sail to catch the breeze, the two Ga-matoran slowly edged away from the sandy coast.She gets a few feet awayAnd suddenly we're both in slow motionLike we're alone in the deep blue ocean "I still don't get why she's your girlfriend." Hafu shrugged as the two began the trek back to their village. "She not as pretty as some of the other Ga-matoran, and she's always teasing you. You can't be romantic with a girl like that. She'll pour a bucket of dead fish on you right after you say something nice." Hewkii felt equally inclined to laugh and to slap his friend. He obeyed both impulses. "Then you don't understand what romantic is, dude."I know it's just a feelingBut it might as well be real becauseI think I might be fixin' to drownMy knees go weak andMy heart starts to pound "You're hopeless." Hafu grinned, avoiding the shove. "And you're just jealous." Hewkii returned. "When Makuta tells Mata Nui he's sorry, I am!" the Pakari-clad Po-matoran exclaimed. "You can have her." "Thanks. I will." This time, his push was not dodged.She takes my handI don't know what to sayShe understandsAnyway "Told you we'd make it to the game." Macku said proudly, tapping her kohlii staff against his. "And this year, Po-koro's going down." "Hey, making it to the championship doesn't mean you can beat me." he laughed. "I've already taught your lesson this year, remember?" Macku's face grew grave. "Can you keep a secret?" "Yeah." She whispered softly. "We... let... you... win." He grinned. "In your dreams, girl." Macku just shrugged. "You'll see. It's all part of Hahli's and my plan." Unexpectedly, she took his hand for a moment. "But seriously, I can't wait to see your face when we win."And here come those eyesCan she see what I'm thinking of?If this is what they call loveI can't believe I'm in itThanking Heaven every minuteI'm the luckiest boy in this townMy knees go weak andMy heart STOPS "We'll let the ball decide." He shook his head laughingly. "See you at the stadium." He turned to go and find his teammate for a last minute practice. "Hey, hotshot!" Macku called after him. He turned his head and waited for her parting remark. "I love you, Hewkii." Sheesh, Mata Nui, you had to say that here? Now? he thought, desperately trying to think of a response. She waited a moment, then took a few steps towards him. "Hey, aren't you supposed to say something back?" "Yeah... You make it look so easy, though." he laughed, covering his sudden nausea. Weird, I never thought nausea was a good thing. "It is." she replied saucily, hands on her hips. And she was right. "I love you too, Macku-girl."And I can't catch my breathI think I'd better sit down'Cause my knees go weak andMy heart starts to pound

Wow, an unusually creepy twist to one of my favorite duets! Well done, over all, except that I think perhaps a less vile-looking stand-in for Dick Van Dyke could have been chosen. Your dark humor gets 7 of 10 points.

Granted, but the popcorn is covered in that fake, sticky squirt cheese.I wish that Dalu was nicer.

Ah, thanks. I can't take them any more, huh? Oh, well.

Toa Doublebee, a good way of making money is to buy a kohlii ball in Po-koro for one widget, then sell it in Ta-koro for two. You always make double what you spend, which with a few trips, become very profitable. (Buy 1, sell 1, buy 2, sell 2, buy 4, sell 4, buy 8, sell 8... You get the idea. It multiplies fast) And it's reliable.Mr. Anon1, what my brother is trying to say is, it may actually be worth it for you to start over and lose all your work on the game so far... Really. Without flags, there simply is no way to guarantee ever getting out of the Drifts. I'm afraid you're just stuck there.

As I look through the archives, I see lots of people have - excuse me, had - sigs that reference different "BZP Quizzes". What are they, do they still exist, and can I take them?

Granted, but everyone is now just slightly more awesome than you. (gasp)I wish I lived near a beach.

I used to say "AH-ka-moo" instead of "Ahk-mou". :DWhy does everyone think "LEE-wa" is wrong? That's how they say his name in the movie.

I am more interested by HOW did they transport'em. In Dark Legacy has NOT mentioned a single thing about that...

Very true. Personally, it seems so illogical that other Makuta dissipate so quickly, yet Teridax survived for what must at least have been weeks in his lair, without his armor or a vat or anything. He should have been long dead before the Piraka got there, let alone surviving transport to Voya-Nui... Right?

*hiss* Well done, brother. *evil Hordika face* Jk, great acting, bro!

"I say, don't bring it back. BIONICLE was a great franchise for a while, but like all stories do, it came to an end. I don't wear my epically awesome t-shirt to have them bring it back - I wear it to commemorate a childhood memory. And because my other t-shirt wasn't clean... Jk "