CeeCee

Thanks Taipu. Im glad you think this is the best idea. Thanks for critic-ing all of my previous chapters. I was at the point of giving it up but that would be ridiculous to let a good story line(IMO) go to waste. Im glad youre kind of interested in it. Hopefully I will gather a few more followers as time goes by but whatever.

Thanks man.

i knew you could do it!! is your name charlie?!

No. Its Sam lol

Taipu1 covered pretty much all of the constructive criticism, but I must say it is looking quite interesting. I'm sure one this story's polished and you begin posting chapters on the forums, you'll garner a lot of interest.

Thanks. It is actually on the Forums at the moment. I am working on Chapter 3 as we speak. It does need a good polish though, you are right.

Matau was more similar to his canon self, so that was fairly relatable. Nokama seems to have a very different personality, and she does seem rather shallow, even she doesn't want to.

 

I was wondering about one thing. From the first few lines of the first chapter, I concluded the whole "Mata Nui is a Giant robot with a universe inside of him" thing still stood, and by extension his question to remerge Spherus Magna. Are you kind of making it so that the beings inside of him have gained more sentience, and are more emotionally complex? It seems like the stories more about the interactions of the characters inside the MU, and perhaps Mata Nui's well being and quest will have less relevance?

Mata Nui is more like a God they know exists or at least existed. There are many theories about him being there, like the moons as eyes and the stars and all that..

He is still there in some spirit form but doesn't have a massive impact on the univewrs besides every one thinking he will save them from Makuta.However instead of them trying to save Mata Nui its about them trying to save the Matoran. i find that more believable. Im not sure if he will be a robot either. About Nokama though, she is a Matoran at the moment. The story is all about the six matoran "growing up" so to speak. They all have un desirable traits at the moment

Nuju with his unsocial attitude and cynicism

Vakama with his un-sureness in himself

Matau being quite immature

Nokama being to concerened what people around her think

Onewa is just an all round A hole

Whenu is probably the most grown up out of all of them

Thanks. The first chapter isn't really boring is it? I didn't ant to make it SUPER ACTION PACKED! Do you think the characters are likable so far? Or at least understandable. That is very important to me

Oh I see. Listen Taipu. I really appreicate the fact that you have take your time to read through this and find stuff thats wrong with it. At you point of veiw, you may be thinking I would get annoyed by people finding faults with my work but its actually the opposite.

Can you pick out anything that you like from it(Ch1 or Ch2)?

Like a said before, its not canon. Sorry for the confusion.

But at an actual story stand point. What do you think of it?

Kumata dealt with grammar and spelling, so I'll quickly go over some of the inconsistencies with the BIONICLE canon.

 

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The started the mask making job in the same week as each other and had been friends ever since. He had always felt a bit sorry for Nuhrii. Vakama was by far, the better mask maker, but the effort Nuhrii put in to the job compared to Vakama made Vakama feel guilty. He guessed Nuhrii would have hated him if he wasn’t such a nice person. He absolutely admired Vakama. He would always try and make Kanohi as good as Vakama and every time he had made his “best yet” He would run and show Vakama. Not that Vakama minded of course, although sometimes he thought that Nuhrii was putting himself down to much because of his fanboyism.Vakama had always though himself as inadequate, despite his mask making ability. In fact, this only made it worse because it made him feel like an imposter, having little training on the skill yet being so good at it, not to mention how lazy he was.

 

In the official canon, Nuhrii started out well before Vakama, and was in fact Vakama's mentor. Vakama eventually turned out to have more skill, this actually made Nuhrii very jealous of him

 

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Turaga Dume stepped in with a Matoran with no Kanohi.

 

A matoran with no Kanohi would be unconscious.

 

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Well, Kanohi is a just a fancy word for mask.

 

Kanohi is actually the matoran word for mask. It's a bit hit and miss I'd say which you use when writing speech, but what you've got to remember is that the characters are not actually talking English. When they say Kanohi, they literally mean mask.

 

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Guards, all strength and no brain

 

Jaller wasn't a guard on Metru-Nui, he was a toolmaker. Given mask-making was the major thing in Ta-Metru, I think it highly unlikely any Ta-Matoran would have such a poor understanding of what mask making was.

 

I assume this is your first attempt at writing an epic? Don't be disheartened by getting a lot of critiscism, in the long term it can help you improve, big time. I'd advise you read back through your chapters to check for errors before you post them. Also, if you're writing about canon characters, its a good practice to skim through the BS01 article on that character, particularly the minor ones. It's can be surprising how much is known about characters such as Nuhrii, who have only had brief storyline appearances.

Oh sorry. I should have told you to read the entry before this one. It explains all that. Thanks for taking the time to read it though. Im sure they say mask power in Bionicle. And mask of time

Interesting choices. Usually when people make Bionicle characters gay they pick the 'best friend' pairings; Onua/Pohatu, Vakama.Nuju, etc. I'd never have thought about choosing Hakann so can't wait to see how that's done.

Well the first person to come out is Onewa. There will be a few sort of insults but mainly people will accept it. I cant imagine some of the Piraka will be to happy when Hakann says hes gay hahahaha

The phrase "oh god" sounds very strange in Bionicle, as does 6:35pm. They're both Earth concepts: my advice would be to either remove them, or come up with Bionicle equivalents (for example you could say it was 'six hours past sunrise' or some such thing. We know they have sundials in the Bionicle universe, at least).

 

There are a few errors were you've used the wrong word - 'barley' instead of 'barely', 'talled' instead of 'told', etc. And when a new character starts to speak, it's generally a good idea to begin a new paragraph; it stops the text from becoming too cramped together and the reader from getting confused as to who's talking to who. Let me show you what I mean. This section:

 

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Turaga Dume stepped in with a Matoran with no Kanohi. “Vakama?” He asked rhetorically. “Why has this Matorans Kanohi not been finished yet?”. “Uh..Uh, just a second please Turaga.” He scrambled to pick up the parts of the broken Hau lying on the floor. Turaga Dume let out something between a grunt and a laugh and left the Matoran standing in Vakamas work shop. The Matoran was a Ta Matoran which meant he was a dark red colour. His hands and feet were a bright yellow colour. “Sorry about the wait” Vakama said. “Its okay” the Matoran laughed,” my shift doesn’t start until 8”.” Its Jaller right?” asked Vakama. “Yes it is. And that must make you Vakama, the great mask maker!”. “Right, the great mask maker” As Vakama said this his sentence trailed of into almost a whisper of embarrassment.

 

Should look like this:

 

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Turaga Dume stepped in with a Matoran with no Kanohi. “Vakama?” He asked rhetorically. “Why has this Matorans Kanohi not been finished yet?”.

 

“Uh..Uh, just a second please Turaga.” He scrambled to pick up the parts of the broken Hau lying on the floor. Turaga Dume let out something between a grunt and a laugh and left the Matoran standing in Vakamas work shop. The Matoran was a Ta Matoran which meant he was a dark red colour. His hands and feet were a bright yellow colour. “Sorry about the wait” Vakama said.

 

“Its okay” the Matoran laughed,” my shift doesn’t start until 8”.

 

” Its Jaller right?” asked Vakama.

 

“Yes it is. And that must make you Vakama, the great mask maker!”.

 

“Right, the great mask maker” As Vakama said this his sentence trailed of into almost a whisper of embarrassment.

 

So, some improvement needed but you're off to a good start here. I'd certainly like to see more.

Sorry. I did mean to hit enter after every speech but the enter spaces were too big. I realise spelling and grammar is off, but I always intended to correct that. Thanks for the feed back man.Hope you read whats next to come

Sorry, I deleted all the comments that were unrelated to my blog. I dont mean any offence by it but please stay on topic

So where will the homosexuality come in; which characters are going to be gay for each other?

Okay for starers no Characters are going to be camp gays. Onewa and Hakann will be but they wont be in a relation ship so to speak

That shouldn't be a problem at all.

 

Sorry if my previous comment sounded brusque....

Dont worry it didnt. Besides, better its you that tells me than finding out the hard way from a moderator

If it is in fact going to include the first item listed above, then you should not put it on BZPower:

 

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No pornographic, sexually offensive, sexually explicit, or objectifying material. Sexually suggestive images will be heavily scrutinized. We'd like for our readers to be able to read the forum at work and at home without fear of retribution. If it's not something you'd see walking down the street or in the normal course of public life – don’t use it.

 

Source: BZPower Rules & Guidelines

I dont really need it any way come to think of it. In fact I wasn't even going to put it in. it was just a disclaimer. I take it attraction is okay though, as long as its clean

Oh I see. I can see why you would think that. I hope you feel differently once its all in words but other than that, I cant really sway your opinion.

YA?