The Thug Life Chose Me: A Varian Story

[shadow pridak money gang]

I:

 

Haiya! I’m Varian!

 

Let’s make it clear, I’ve been evicted from things before…like Toa Teams…and apartments… and islands, one or two times…but the weirdest place I’ve ever been evicted from is a stasis tube, which is weird because the stasis tube is the ugly duckling in the places mentioned above in that you actually don’t have to do anything to earn your keep in a stasis tube. Hover around, look pretty, don’t bang your head against the glass and drool all over your feet. It’s so easy a Zyglak could do it!

 

No offense meant to my Zyglak brethren. Keep on keepin’ on!

 

Anyway, you know what I didn’t expect to see when I finally got kicked out of this stasis tube? Sand. I was curled up in the bottom half of a shattered test tube, with shards poking every which way. About twenty yards away, a gargantuan robot forearm poked up from the ground like a monument, with the barest metallic signs of an elbow buried in the dunes, and the fingers pointing helpfully towards where it looked like a makeshift settlement was being set up. And the sand. I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere—

 

Had you going there, didn’t I. Heh heh. Suckers.

 

I didn’t get this much sand where I was from – a little spit of land off the Southern Continent, with rocky outcroppings that hung high like a terrace over the coast – and I definitely didn’t see anything like this when I was with the new team, hanging around Xia, the Northern Continent, derping and trolling my way through life as a Toa even when it probably was best to enforce some subtlety. Some resolve. Looking behind me, to the stasis tube that I had just crawled out of, I guess that it didn’t work out that great. Oh well. The thug life chose me, not the other way around. Not much I could do about it. Mainly I wanted to find people again and find out where I was—

 

“My name is Umbra. I guard the Mask of Life. You shall not pass.”

 

…

 

“o”

 

Not that kind of people.

 

I turned to my left to see a titanic man leaning against the forearm for support; a massive lance was covering up what looked like a wound on his right side, stretching from the top of his rib cage down to about his waist. He looked like he’d been in some kind of crash; that would explain why I looked like I had been in a crash! Except…we didn’t share a tube together.

 

Thank heavens for small mercies. He looked like a stasis hog.

 

“Uhhhhh…”

 

I looked around as the titan tried to steady himself and caught sight of a rock on the ground. He followed my gaze and turned into a beam of light – I SAW A MAGICIAN DO THAT ONCE OH MY GOD THIS GUY WAS A MAGICIAN – that zoomed towards the rock. He materialized in front of it, trying to block me from grabbing it and using it against him. Smart defensive tactic; he was faster than me and probably stronger, and even injured he probably remembered how to use his body more than I did. Who knew how long I had been out…maybe THIS guy knew and he was guarding me! Maybe he was a Dark Hunter! This scrub had held Toa Varian against her will…well, I’ll show him.

 

Telekinetically, the rock jumped up into the air and collided at point blank range, right at the point where the titan’s legs met.

 

He dropped hard on the ground with a cry of agony and I picked the rock up from the sand by his knee, wagging my finger with a “nuh uh uhhhh…not in my house!” The rock dropped, right on the guy’s noggin; there was a cracking sound and he fell silent. Maybe it’d be best to stick around for a second. If he was who I thought he was then maybe…maybe…maaaaaaybe…any time now…c’mon…

 

Welp. No rabbit jumped out of his head. This guy wasn’t a magician at all. Punk.

 

And there were still no people around!

 

I took off running, which came more naturally after years of stealth and recon missions, towards the settlement the giant robot hand was pointing towards. Toa of every element were there, helping out Rahi, or building with other species who looked like Toa and Matoran but totally weren’t. The more I ran, the farther I sprinted through the new locale, the more elements I passed by. The Toa of Fire were standing in a sort of assembly line, using their element to heat up food and dispense it to other workers. One Fire Toa in particular, tall and noble looking with red and silver armor and an oddly shaped Pehkui, was directing the proper way to cook a Mata Nui Cow to one of the older non-Toa beings. He looked up and—

“NORIK!”

 

GLOMP.

 

Haiya. I’m Varian, and things are about to get really good for me. I can just feel it.

 

-Tyler

Edited July 1, 2013 by Dallas Winston

[25K Now!]

Ahaha Umbra.

 

Poor guy. How did he get to where Varian was, anyway?

[Neelh]

This fulfils my needs on an emotional level.

[Endless Sea (Alaki Nuva)]

This fic has simultaneously restored my interest in the Comedies subforum and assuaged much of my dissatisfaction with how the Varian short story contest turned out. Yay!

 

BTW, judging by the ending, I assume there's more chapters to come?

[Eyru]

I've been derping around Comedies for longer than most members have been able to read, and this is easily one of the best comedies I've ever read. Crisply written, with humour woven subtly throughout, it makes me laugh without once resorting to stale jokes or cliches. Without a doubt, this is the best comedy I've read in years. Keep up the great work, and I can't wait to read more!