The Wraith (Sscc #9 Entry)
Posted Feb 25 2012 - 05:35 PM
Posted Mar 23 2012 - 07:55 PM
Vakama is completely agreeing with Makuta, so how is he being defiant? Also you used three adverbs in one sentence, which really clutters it up. If you kill your adverbs on sight, it makes for much cleaner writing. (Adjectives should also be used judiciously.) You don't need to remind us of Vakama's toa of fireness more than once, and don't call Makuta a "being". "Being" is a weak noun that tells us nothing about what he is.There's nothing obviously wrong with your prose style, but it lacks "bite." Try and give us a bit of an atmosphere. Developing a voice takes a while and I encourage you to keep writing and especially getting feedback. If you have any questions as to specifics, feel free to ask me. Good luck in the contest. ^^
"Only death," Vakama finished defiantly, staring blindly, angrily, into death's red eyes.
Hatchi - Talli - Ranok - Lucira - Morie - Akiyo - Yukie - Shuuan - Ilykaed
My bones are hollow, that's where I keep my marrow
This quiver in my lip, that's just where I keep my arrows.
Posted Mar 24 2012 - 10:58 AM
0 user(s) are browsing this forum
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users