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Dark Vanity

Roodaka Lariska Showdown Aderia

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#1 Offline Aderia

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Posted Jun 17 2012 - 11:20 PM

Dark Vanity

Aderia

₪҉₪

“And you call yourself a Dark Hunter,” The Vortixx scoffed down at the unmoving opponent at her feet. The fallen figure was just one of many operatives that her old friend, The Shadowed One, had sent after her in the past few months.Even though she was no longer the Viceroy of the Visorak, Roodaka had never stopped being queen. Upon her return to Xia, they’d crowned her and celebrated in her honor. She was Xia. The skyline, stabbing into the sky as if to dethrone the twin suns was her crown. The overwhelming aroma of success and production thrumming through the streets was her celebration. The drumming in the factories and chorus of screeching assembly machines sang for her.The two celestial torches were just beginning to rim on the far horizon. With a dismissive flick of her armored boot, Roodaka rolled the face of being into the dirt. “Pathetic. I hope you enjoy your trip back to Karzahni.” She turned and walked away, hefting her Catcher Claw deftly. Maintenance crews would find the body and dispose of it along with the day’s scrap metals in the incinerators. Her hollow metal footfalls on the roof of the skyscraper clacked rhythmically, slipping in harmoniously with all that was Xia. It was her trained ear that caught the discrepancy in the tune of Xian life, the hushing scrape of armor on rooftop and the telltale singing of a blade being drawn. Not a moment too soon, Roodaka tucked into a roll and came up facing her adversary, who was now miraculously all better. “I have to admit,” She spoke evenly, but her blood pounded in her ears. It had been a very close call. “The Shadowed One has been sending more and more intelligent agents. Whom do I have the pleasure of meeting?” But she already knew. Roodaka always knew. “It doesn’t matter,” the being said. Her voice was like slippery leather. “Of course it doesn’t. I already know,” The Vortixx smiled, rising slowly to her feet, coiled tight as a viper. She slowly began edging out of the glare of the suns, careful to keep her opponent’s eyes locked on her own; eyes as cold and hard as black diamonds. “Flimsy armor, green like muddy leaves and blue like rotten bula berries. Stringy, like a piece of tendon stretched out too far. Frail like an old mother Ash Bear and a rusty robotic arm not fit for a dumpster. You must be Lariska.” Surrounded by even taller skyscrapers, nobody but Roodaka was around to see the shocking agility displayed by Lariska as she leapt into the air without a word or telltale sign.“Agile. You forgot ‘agile,” She called. By the time the Hunter had closed the distance between herself and Roodaka, the Vortixx had her clawed baton at the ready. With a testy swing, Roodaka aimed the club-like Catcher Claw end of her weighted baton at Lariska’s temple. Instead of ducking under and sweeping out in a kick like Roodaka had guessed, the Hunter raised a forearm to meet the blow, taking a step inwards and throwing an elbow at Roodaka’s windpipe. Gutsy, but not gutsy enough. Taking advantage of the close quarters, the Vortixx aimed a punch straight to Lariska’s face as the Hunter’s forearm got tangled in the claw. Roodaka’s fist slowed just short of Lariska’s face plates and burst open with a startling whoosh, releasing a burst of Shadow into the Hunter’s face. Lariska staggered backwards with a cry, her free hand clawing at her face. “Burns like acid, blinds you like a bat, and calls forwards your worst fears and most dreaded memories,” Roodaka chuckled. She knew the effects of non-elemental Shadow first hand. The Vortixx stepped with the Huntress, not willing to release her Claw. With practiced, dancing steps, she’d twisted Lariska’s arm taut behind her back, earning herself a cry of pain. “Welcome to the dark side of sanity, Lariska.” Without warning, the Dark Hunter dropped to the floor, and with iron grips on both ends of her Claw, Roodaka had no choice but to be pulled down with her. Lariska heaved her shoulders, rolling Roodaka over her to land with a cursing clatter on the rooftop. The Vortixx had no choice but to release Lariska’s arm from the snaring end of her weapon, but not without a painful twist of her own arm, bringing the Hunter down with her. The two femme fatales sprang to their feet at once, eyeing one another warily. Slowly, Roodaka moved her hand to her Rhotuka Launcher. “I wouldn’t,” Was all Lariska said, and Roodaka only glimpsed a flash of movement before she felt a burning fire explode in her shoulder. With a cry, she chanced a look to see a throwing knife wedged between her shoulder and chest armor, deadening her launcher arm. But looking down was her mistake, because when she looked back up, she was met with Lariska’s roundhouse. The skinny Huntress packed a decent kick, and Roodaka found herself lying on the roof again, this time with a long, lethal looking knife pointed between her eyes.“Don’t try any-“ Lariska’s words were cut off with a yell of surprise and anger as Roodaka scissor-ed her legs at a painful angle and spun to a crouching position, one knee on Lariska’s throat, the other pinning her non-mechanical arm. Lariska’s mechanical arm was pinned against the knee-height wall that ran along the entire edge of the sky-scraper roof.The Vortixx wrenched the throwing knife from her shoulder joint, pushing away the searing agony and letting the blood drip into Lariska’s eyes as she held the weapon above the Huntress. "Not going to try anything, are you now?” She asked, her words jagged and her breath tattered, unable to keep the flood of pain from her shoulder out. She plucked the long knife from Lariska’s mechanical hand. Roodaka felt blood seep through her armor, spreading from her shoulder wound. With a wicked smile, she pushed the long knife slowly into the small gap between Lariska’s own shoulder and torso armor. The Huntress’s piercing screech drowned out all else. Once the Xian smog had absorbed and spirited away the cry of pure agony, Roodaka twisted the knife, shrieking with the new scream of torture, “I repay in kind.” “You… can’t defeat me. Not with my own blades,” Lariska snarled. Impressively, her voice was devoid of any suffering. She was looking to say more, but the words escaped as another scream as Roodaka pulled the knife out. The scream choked to an undignified gurgling as Roodaka cut off the Dark Hunter’s air supply with the knee on the windpipe. “Who said anything about defeating you? I mean to send you back to the Shadowed One in a body bag.” A spasm jolted through Roodaka’s entire frame suddenly, rocking her back on her feet, releasing Lariska. Every nerve ending was tingling with electricity and fire. It hurt. “Poison,” The Hunter coughed, rolling to her feet and trying to staunch her own blood that was streaming down her side. “Fun, isn’t it?” Roodaka crouched breathless in the shadow of the sky-scraper barrier, her vision turning white with the next flash of poison. But this time, she pushed it down. She detached herself. Through the fire and blood and agony, Roodaka stood. I am a queen. I am a queen! I will not be brought low by this weakling.“You are a fool,” Her voice was shaky, but she continued regardless. “I’ve commanded legions of Visorak, the stealers of life. Poison is their best friend. Toxin runs in my veins and venom to me is like water to you. Just like I can’t defeat you with your own blade, you can’t bring me low with what I know best.” And almost on cue, Roodaka watched as the same poison in her body now wracked Lariska’s frame. Using the Hunter’s own words, the Vortixx purred, “Poison, my dear. Fun, isn’t it?” Even as her vision whited out once more, and the burning in her veins flooded through, she stayed standing. It was time to end this. Roodaka was losing too much blood. With the next flash of white and pain, the white was hesitant to fade from her sight, making her dizzy. Tossing her Rhotuka launcher to her functioning hand, the Vortixx began charging it, watching Lariska fall down onto the barrier that ran along the edge of the roof. The Huntress was twitching and trying her best not to cry out. Obviously, she hadn’t bothered trying to build up immunity to her own poisons. Now she was paying for it, rendered helpless. Roodaka trained her launcher on Lariska’s erratic heartlight. Nobody would recognize her, but that was a personal problem. “It’s been a pleasure,” She whispered to herself, squeezing the trigger. In a blinding flash of dark lights, like more Shadow energy, the Dark Hunter tumbled over the edge of the sky scraper, already beginning to mutate past recognition. It wasn’t until Roodaka heard the sickening thud on the pavement far, far below that she collapsed. The Vortixx pulled a knife, long and thin like the last, from her abdomen. The blade had rotten yellow residue on it. Another poison. The Dark Huntress had gone down fighting. Mustering only just enough energy to send a flare of Shadow energy into the Xian sky, an advocate for her dire need of help, Roodaka drifted off into a fitful and agonizing oblivion, murmuring to the Shadowed One “Well played, my friend.”

₪҉₪

A/N: Aha, well there you have it, my version of Lariska Vs. Roodaka. This can be considered a variant on fellow genius, author, and a great friend, Tyler’s story, Femme Fatality which I highly recommend.I hope you enjoyed, and as always, written for you.

Edited by Aderia, Jun 17 2012 - 11:58 PM.

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#2 Offline Tehurye

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Posted Jun 18 2012 - 06:49 PM

I must congratulate you two. Very well played. The two duels were quite similar in style, yet one gave the victory to Roodaka, while the other gave it to Lariska. A very well coordinated piece of work. Fine job. http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/cool.pngOtherwise, I might say that I didn't particularly like the story in itself. This is merely a matter of opinion, of course. Your grammar was neat, as I could see, and it flowed very nicely. The dialouge was also well chosen. I simply am not big on the drawn out violence involved. Again, just a matter of opinion.My congratulations to you both.Please keep writing, for our sake as well as your own. ^_^
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#3 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 19 2012 - 11:36 AM

To he/she who has the idea first, well done. This version seemed more realistic to me, with powers and stuff actually used, and calling Lariska "the Huntress" which I had largely forgotten about/never heard of before. So good job, keep writing, etc.
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#4 Offline The Otter

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Posted Aug 01 2012 - 02:26 PM

Ah, two of my favorite characters from the storyline brought to life in a nice little story. Very nice.I have to say, you did well in playing out Roodaka's arrogance, but you also managed to give her more depth than a few other such stories that I have read, even with this being little more than just a battle scene. As well, you gave Lariska her own personality, with little dialogue or looking into her own thoughts, unlike, again, other such stories that I have read with her in them. :PAlso, I liked that description of non-elemental shadow you provided. I'll probably be using that later on.I didn't notice any typoes, though I wasn't really looking for them here, I was moreso just reading. Who knows, maybe I'll find some later.All in all, a good story. The part I loved the most, thoug?The poison.
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#5 Offline Aderia

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Posted Aug 01 2012 - 03:02 PM

I must congratulate you two. Very well played. The two duels were quite similar in style, yet one gave the victory to Roodaka, while the other gave it to Lariska. A very well coordinated piece of work. Fine job. http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/cool.pngOtherwise, I might say that I didn't particularly like the story in itself. This is merely a matter of opinion, of course. Your grammar was neat, as I could see, and it flowed very nicely. The dialouge was also well chosen. I simply am not big on the drawn out violence involved. Again, just a matter of opinion.My congratulations to you both.Please keep writing, for our sake as well as your own. ^_^

Heyo, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you about these reviews. But yeah, thank you! And I must agree with you, I'm not a fan of drawn out violence, but I figured it was a good opportunity to expand my writing a bit.

To he/she who has the idea first, well done. This version seemed more realistic to me, with powers and stuff actually used, and calling Lariska "the Huntress" which I had largely forgotten about/never heard of before.So good job, keep writing, etc.

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed =) I don't really remember at this point, whose idea it was first, but it was fun to write.

Ah, two of my favorite characters from the storyline brought to life in a nice little story. Very nice.I have to say, you did well in playing out Roodaka's arrogance, but you also managed to give her more depth than a few other such stories that I have read, even with this being little more than just a battle scene. As well, you gave Lariska her own personality, with little dialogue or looking into her own thoughts, unlike, again, other such stories that I have read with her in them. :PAlso, I liked that description of non-elemental shadow you provided. I'll probably be using that later on.I didn't notice any typoes, though I wasn't really looking for them here, I was moreso just reading. Who knows, maybe I'll find some later.All in all, a good story. The part I loved the most, though?The poison.

Heh, yeah. Nonelemental shadow was actually the biggest knot I had to work through. And I'm flattered you'll use my description XP Again, I'm glad you enjoyed, and also, you should go read Tyler's version too.

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#6 Offline Janus

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Posted Aug 03 2012 - 01:00 AM

Honestly, I think I only have two complaints for this story.One is simply the victor---frankly I think that Lariska would kick Roodaka's sorry butt all the way to Spherus Magna (and I cannot stand Spherus Magna)Two is Roodaka's description of Lariska, not so much because it's trash talk, but more because it doesn't seem like something Roodaka would say--and worse, it seems stilted, awkward, and kind of shoe-horned in. Honestly, try and speak it out loud and it just seems...silly.There were some other minor grammatical errors that I noticed (For example, what is a 'testy swing'?) but overall this is a strong piece.Now, with the minor criticisms out of the way, I have to say that I quite enjoyed this story. It was atmospheric and gave a reasoning for why both Roodaka and Lariska did what they did. I personally loved the insight into Roodaka's head you gave, and the explanation of how she operates within her home. I also really enjoyed how you had both characters be evenly matched, and have them work hard against each other--rather than one simply dominating the other (as so often happens in fan written fiction). In fact I have to say that despite the fact I'm not Roodaka's biggest fan (or at least canon Roodaka.) you made her a character I enjoyed reading about.

“I’ve commanded legions of Visorak, the stealers of life. Poison is their best friend. Toxin runs in my veins and venom to me is like water to you. Just like I can’t defeat you with your own blade, you can’t bring me low with what I know best.”

In fact that line was just so...fierce, that I actually found myself cheering for Roodaka despite myself. Any story that has me ally with a character who isn't my favourite is a well written one. So good on you.Please keep it up, I quite enjoyed this tale.-Janus

Edited by Janus, Aug 03 2012 - 01:04 AM.

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#7 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Aug 03 2012 - 04:25 PM

One is simply the victor---frankly I think that Lariska would kick Roodaka's sorry butt all the way to Spherus Magna (and I cannot standSpherus Magna)

I completely disagree; Roodaka is a very skilled fighter, able to defeat opponents as deadly as Krahka. She also has non elemental shadow powers. The way the fight happened, Lariska's upper hand in skill was outmatched by Roodaka's shadow power, and then her immunity to poison. Lariska, powerful though she was, was not immune to non-elemental shadow and poison, and thus fell. Had she not used poison daggers, I'm betting she would have won. As it was, she even managed to wound Roodaka almost to dead, so...

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#8 Offline BioGio

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Posted Aug 03 2012 - 07:52 PM

I wrote up a line-by-line commentary/review--right here. (Please try to get through it within a few days, as I'll have to delete a bunch of documents from my Dropbox account soon.)General comments:One of the main themes of my comments is that some phrases and words don't quite make sense. As Mark Twain implored writers, "Use the right word, not its second cousin." You use a lot of second cousins: testy, gutsy, clatter, coiled, clacked, and femme fatale. Other than creating confusion ("What the heck is a testy swing?"), it comes across as pretentious. It feels like you're using words for their own sake, showing off your vocabulary.The other major issue was verbosity. There are times when you used six words to say "claw." That broke the flow of the narrative; moreover, it's really unnecessary. The word "claw" exists for the very reason of being used in these cases, so use it. Turning "claw" into "club-like Catcher Claw end of her weighted baton" generates confusion, a break in flow, and a sense of pretension.As for grammar, there was only one main, repeated error: You need to stop capitalizing common nouns after dialogue. Dialogue should be tagged in the following manners:

"I concur," she said.

"I concur." She spoke fiercely and then ran away.

"I concur," she said, running away.

Before running away, she said, "I concur."

Before running away, she spoke a final time. "I concur."

You alternate between "Hunter" and "Huntress" when referring to Lariska. Pick one.On the plus side, you did a very good job of not succumbing to "Green Matoran Syndrome" (the act of using nouns too often in place of of a name or pronoun). There was great potential to call Roodaka "the Vortixx" and Lariska "the Huntress," but you did not do it. Good job with that.The action was very readable and entertaining. The lack of excessive magic made the fight all the more enjoyable.Additionally, both characters were quite believable. They had clearly-defined motivations (beyond "winning") and everything! That this actually managed to fit smoothly within your narrative is impressive.In short, you need to work on style and grammar, but characters and action are already pretty good.~ BioGio

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