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The Tormenter

Vahi tormenter temporal

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2 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Haecceity

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Posted Jun 22 2012 - 08:00 PM

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He was called Vachax. At least, that’s what they said he was called. Personally, he preferred Vahi or some variation on Vahi, to fit with the mask he wore. After all, a being of pure temporal energy needed to have a name that was easy to remember, a name to be feared by, a name that could shake the foundations of a world. “Vachax”, he mused, just didn’t flow, it was weak, a name for puny Toa. And speaking of Toa… Vachax turned his head. Yes, he must continue to question this one. Although its lingering fear was tasty, he needed real nourishment. Vachax quivered with excitement, imagining the sweet taste of agony and anguish mixed with terror. It’s pain would be enough to sustain him for quite a while-but wait. Vachax shook his head to clear it of aimless thoughts. He must not forget the task at hand. He had to find out why the Toa knew where he currently resided, why it sought the disk...but surely a little…No! He must question the Toa, then he could savor its tormented soul. He walked over to the restrained Toa, and tilted its head up. Its vibrant blue eyes stared deep into his bright green ones, unyielding. Smirking at the display of resistance, Vachax began to speak in a raspy voice. “So you fancy yourself a martyr, hmm…? Well, I have news for you, little one. All being a martyr ever did for someone was make them dead. It is the actions of the living and how you control them that count…Maybe this will help you understand…but I doubt it.” With that, Vachax ripped off the Toa’s mask and went to work. The screams of the fallen echoed as dusk shrouded the area, encased the living and brought forth the dead. Vachax smiled as he replaced the Toa’s mask. Locking the cell behind him, the green-eyed being walked off into the twilight, scattering rusted armor behind him. As Vachax passed the horizon, a smoldering head opened its blue eyes and stared off into the distance, stared at the mangled bodies that surrounded it, and finally closed its eyes. Darkness enshrouded it as it spoke one word… “T...I…M...E”

Edited by Temporphilic, Jun 22 2012 - 09:53 PM.

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Vile terror, fearless blight
Haunting ghast, piercing light
Glow or shine or radiate
Sparkle, creep, reveal to sight
Human eyes so weak
To see and then to seek
Meaning for their rights
 

#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 22 2012 - 10:12 PM

And yet another short story from you that raises questions! :) Excellent. A couple nitpicks:

Vachax quivered with excitement, imagining the sweet taste of agony and anguish mixed with terror. It’s pain would be enough to sustain him for quite a while-but wait.

"but wait" isn't really necessary - it's a bit of informal language and breaks up the flow of the story. I suggest removing it.

The screams of the fallen echoed as dusk shrouded the area, encased the living and brought forth the dead.

This digression doesn't make a lot of sense. Do we really need this? What would a being made of time want with a Toa? It seems that the temporal being wants to make the Toa his slave, but the Toa is already in time and a slave to it already. I do like the idea that this temporal being is savage, not friendly - that fits with how time itself is, ruthless and unfeeling, and I think you've captured that well. Great job.

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#3 Offline Yukiko

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Posted Jun 30 2012 - 02:20 PM

Official SSCC ReviewI like a nice little vignette. I also like a good villain who enjoys what he’s doing. All those angst anti-heroes are all well and good, but they never really have the appeal of someone who is truly evil. You have certainly done that here. However, I feel that you could think a bit more about who Vachax is and what his motivations are.

He was called Vachax. At least, that’s what they said he was called.

Try: “They called him Vachax.” It has much more impact.

Although its lingering fear was tasty, he needed real nourishment.

I feel like Vachax is the type of person (or temporal being, whatever) who likes to use big words. Try “delicious” or “delectable”.

Vachax quivered with excitement, imagining the sweet taste of agony and anguish mixed with terror.

Maybe a little more description. I’d like to know what souls taste like, and “sweet” sounds vague. Since Vachax eats them, he must have developed a discerning taste for them. Details like this are the key to developing a solid character and avoiding clichés.

Vachax shook his head to clear it of aimless thoughts.

The crossed out part is pretty evident.

The screams of the fallen echoed as dusk shrouded the area, encased the living and brought forth the dead.

I agree with fishers that this doesn’t really make any sense. Except for the toa, you didn’t mention any other prisoners and the whole thing feels a bit to trite. I would recommend something like “The toa’s screams echoed off the rocks as dusk fell.”

Locking the cell behind him, the green-eyed being walked off into the twilight, scattering rusted armor behind him.

And he wonders how the toa found him. If he just throws the armor of his victims all over the place. Besides he seems like the type who would clean up after himself.Everyone loves a good hammy villain, but you need to be careful. A story like this runs the risk of being generic unless you flesh out your character and make him individual. Overall, this has a lot of potential, but remember that details are everything. And keep writing!

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