Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!

Photo

The Alternate Metru (review topic)

review Metru Alternate

  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Krane

Krane
  • Members
  • Lightning Voyager

  • 333 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 15 2013 - 04:39 AM

So here's the review topic for The Alternate Metru. So tell me what you think!


  • 0

~Kranan 

 

~BZPRPG Profiles

 

Dual Matrix: Sup?

CeeCee    :  Dual, you spammer

Kranan      : Wut wut wut 

AutomationKranan plz stop


#2 Offline Watcher on the Walls

Watcher on the Walls
  • Members
  • Ice Warrior

  • 1,990 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 15 2013 - 09:14 AM

Not a bad start, but I suggest spacing the text into paragraphs more often, like before and after someone talks.
  • 0

#3 Offline Krane

Krane
  • Members
  • Lightning Voyager

  • 333 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 16 2013 - 09:54 PM

Thanks for the tip. LOL I spent the entire night reading BS01.


Edited by Toa Kranan : TOUAB, Mar 16 2013 - 09:55 PM.

  • 0

~Kranan 

 

~BZPRPG Profiles

 

Dual Matrix: Sup?

CeeCee    :  Dual, you spammer

Kranan      : Wut wut wut 

AutomationKranan plz stop


#4 Online CeeCee

CeeCee
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Fluidic Master Nuva

  • 1,334 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Mar 17 2013 - 07:43 PM

Hmmmm.

 

So without repeating Takua, or myself on Skype Im going to give you some tips.

 

For starters, your context of what you write is actually pretty good. If you use what I taught you, by the time your my age you could be something special. One think that urks me about this is we get no insight to the characters thougts. Talk about what he thinks about being captures, and what he thinks about seeing Nidihhki. Also a good tip would be to, instead of saying:

 

"Nidihki looked quilty"

 

you could put something like:

 

"Nidihki flinched with what appeared to be a glimpse of guilt for what he had done to his former friend. The pain behind his eyes was masked, yet undoubtedly evident"

 

Notice how I am describing his body language instead of just saying one word and also writing from almost the eyes of Kranan. I know this is third person but in order to know who our character is we need to experience everything from his eyes. A good tip also is to describe the scene with as much detail as you can. Helps us feel more involved.

 

All in all thats all I can say. BUT PLEASE start a new line every time some one new speaks. Its awfully confusing for us readers.

 

Good job though man!


  • 0

#5 Offline Clue: The Traitor

Clue: The Traitor
  • Members
  • Tohunga

  • 31 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 23 2013 - 10:59 AM

You should really add more content every time you make a paragraph.


  • 0

clue.png The one who hunts your soul.             

 





0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users