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To the Stars(Review Topic)


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7 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Dual Matrix

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Posted Mar 30 2013 - 03:03 PM

Review Topic of: http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=9212C&C are appreciated.
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#2 Offline Your Evil Friend

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Posted Mar 30 2013 - 03:47 PM

Okay. So I know Im co-writing this epic with you, but seeing as we have very little knowledge as to what the other will right, I think its fair I do a review. Now, being the prologue, obviously not a lot has happened. I like your writing, although as I have said before, there is always room for adding a little bit more description. I did however, appreciate the fact you delved a little bit more into the char feeling and emotions. I think that is more important to an extent and you did it very well. I have always said I like the contest of what you right and it doesnt sound like the three year olds work (nor should it). I do also like how you portrayed Taka Nuva. I think his speach suites his personality. 

 

Good job Dual.


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#3 Offline Dragonstar7

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Posted Mar 30 2013 - 08:29 PM

You started it. It was a nice start, and different from what I expect it to be. I noticed some things([color=#ff0000;]I put in bold red[/color]):

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]Turaga Takanuva stepped forward, his head facing the crowd of people all around him. Nearly the whole island had come, all to see their newly-made chance of escaping, their only chance. He then spoke in the microphone in front of him so his voice would be hearable [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]heard[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;] for whole the island.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]"My friends, I'm glad you all have come. As you all know our island, the last gift of the Great Spirit, will not last long much longer, once it will fall in the emptyness [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]emptiness [/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]of the old universe and we'll meet the fate we so narrowly evaded ten thousand years ago. But, do not fear, as long as we live we'll fight for the good and today I am going to show you the result of this decades of work. Thanks to this six beings and all the others who helped to realise [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]realize[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;] this immense project, our last chance to oncev [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]once[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;] again migrate away from our homes, for a new future to come. Velika, Nuparu, Xinjo, Nuju, and as he said their names a gate behind him opened, revealing the beings, Tehutti and Kikara, because of them, there will be a tomorrow." [/color]

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]The crowd cheered, knowing this very beings could make the difference between life and death.[/color]

The wording of "this very" sounds awkward, maybe it should be like: "these very", I don't know.

 

"May these heroes cary [color=#ff0000;]carry [/color]the heart of our civilation [color=#ff0000;]civilization[/color] in search for a new home. May they return with new hope after their voyage is succesfully [color=#ff0000;]successfully [/color] over. May the ship they made themselves carry them safely to their unknown destination."

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]He turned around and while he did that the ground started shaking. Normally this would've caused panick [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]panic [/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]amongst the Matoran, but now they knew what was coming and were prepared. The ground now in front of Takanuva shoved open and a massive object started moving upwards out of the depth.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]"My dear brothers and sisters, I present to you, the hope of our civilasation [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]civilization[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;],  our salvation, the ship to the stars: The Lhikan III"[/color][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]The crowd looked shocked and suprised [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]surprised[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;], they had known before it was a way to escape the doomed island. They had suspected many things, ranging from Airships to Boats, they knew it would be something spectacural [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]should be spectacular[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;], but a Vehicle able to reach the stars went beyond their exceptations [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]expectations[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;].[/color]

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]And while the Turaga spoke the Crowd [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]crowd doesn't need capitalization [/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]started to cheer. The brightly glowing power source he had spoken of was being carried by six Ta-Matoran towards the ship, its power was beyond the imaginable, it was a cube of a half meter, which unknownst to almost anyone, contained the three legendary masks: Life, Time and Creation. [/color]

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]The Turaga of Light watched, he became a bit saddend [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]saddened[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;], knowing that there was a chance of the heroes, some of which personal friends of him, not coming back. He waved to them and wispered [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]whispered[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;] as the doors closed.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]He stepped backwards as the engines of the vehicle started glowing and energy was blasted down, and slowely [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]slowly [/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]the ship started to rise from the ground. And right in front of the astonished crowd the energies of the three main forces combined, producing an incredible amouth [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]amount[/color][/font][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;] of pure energy. These energies provided the perfect way for the ship to blast itself out of the planets atmosphere. [/color][color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]The ship that had moments before stood on an island was now blasting trough the void of space and was now nearing the stars themselves. And while the crowd returned to their posts Takanuva thought. [/color][color=#ff0000;][font="helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"]Should have a ":".[/color][/font]

 

May Mata Nui, even as a scattered remain of what he once was, protect them, may they live to furfill fulfill[color=#ff0000;] [/color]their task, may they return with new hope, may their voyage to the stars be a succes [color=rgb(255,0,0);]success[/color] . 

 

 

I hope that wasn't too harsh, but good job nonetheless.  ;)


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#4 Offline Dual Matrix

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Posted Mar 31 2013 - 03:42 AM

Oh no, not harsh At all, as you might know I'm not a native English speaker, so these comments are very helpful, I'll edit those soon.
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#5 Offline Dragonstar7

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Posted Mar 31 2013 - 05:13 PM

Glad you found those useful, English wasn't my first language either, but I'm glad to have helped.
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#6 Offline Dual Matrix

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Posted Apr 01 2013 - 10:17 AM

I've edited the prologue to get rid of a spelling mistakes, I am now 3/4 through Chapter 2 stay tuned.
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#7 Offline Dragonstar7

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Posted Apr 01 2013 - 05:42 PM

Alright, for the next two chapters, they were really nice. No main spelling mistakes(after checking in Skype :P), but somewhere in the first few chapters or something, you spelt Nuparu like "Neparu". Otherwise, it's good.
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#8 Offline Krane

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Posted Apr 06 2013 - 11:25 AM

The epic is really nice. But I agree with Takua Dragonstar. You keep spelling "Neparu", Instead of "Nuparu". But still it's really nice. 

Edited by Toa Kranan : TOUAB, Apr 06 2013 - 11:30 AM.

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