Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!

Photo

Review Topic For The Switch Mirror


  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Voxumo

Voxumo
  • Premier Member
    BioniLUG Member
  • Premier Members
  • The Shadow Reaper

  • 3,214 posts
  •  

Posted Oct 17 2011 - 08:05 PM

thank you to anyone who reads the epic. and i'm open to any suggestions criticism and just any commentsthank you and here is the link to the actual storyhttp://www.bzpower.c...p?showtopic=972

Edited by Chi Keeper Cho Voxumo-Chan, Oct 17 2011 - 08:07 PM.

  • 0

BZPRPG CHARACTERS

Syvra-Tivanu-Vrina-Voulge-Kidona-Chivinix-Celis-Darvin-Draeverian 'DJ'-

"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."

Home Grown Alaskan Sprites. Your one-stop shop for the most organic sprites


#2 Offline Steelsheen

Steelsheen
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Members
  • Toa

  • 139 posts
  •  

Posted Feb 25 2012 - 12:20 AM

ECC Review:

Let me start by saying I'm sure most of us would love to wake up one day and find we're wearing armor and and a kanohi. But usually, having that plot be anything but an idle daydream comes out as cliche and boring. Not so with The Switch Mirror. No, you have somehow eliminated the idea that a human-turned-BIONICLE is not only impossible, but a lousy story. Perhaps this is because you have had most of your memories of our world erased. The resulting Toa has a single purpose: to complete whatever mission for which he was brought across the dimensions.Regrettably, your epic does have several grievous errors with regards to punctuation and capitalization. (though I pleasantly surprised to see that your spelling is mostly correct! :D) And the switching back and forth between fonts doesn't help anything, either. I know, this is always the boring, depressing part of a review because I proceed to take that brilliant epic you poured your heart into and reduce it to schoolwork. But trust me, the worst thing that can happen to a good story is for a couple mistakes to cause the reader to shut the page.

From post 1:As I search my memories I find that my memory has faded for I can only remember snippets of my human life I don't even remember my name. Although I remember general information about bionicle such as the elements, what colored armor being associated with certain element also what toa matoran are and that most masks have powers. Just then a being emerged from a snow drift.

Rewritten:As I search my mind, I find that my memory has faded; I can only remember snippets of my human life. I don't even remember my name. Although, I can remember some general things about BIONICLES - the elements, what colors go with what element, what Toa and Matoran are, and that most people wear things called kanohi masks - but I feel lost and strange. Just then, a being emerges from a snow drift.Remember not to repeat the same word in a sentence too many times, and break longer thoughts into two sentences. It just helps the reader keep up.

From post 3:... and realized the webbing which held my right hand was latterly disintegrating.

Rewritten:... and realized the webbing that held my right hand was literally disintegrating.At least, I'm pretty sure that's what you meant. ;)

From post 4:“You may have been able to take out the lights little toa, can still smell you and your fear of me.”

Rewritten:"You may have been able to take out the lights, little Toa, but I can still smell you and your fear."

From post 8:Then as if clock work it dived towards the huge waves churning on the ocean, but leveled itself just before hitting the water. I couldn’t help but feel like it was covered by an unnatural evil, yet seemed to enjoy the evil.

This one took me a few times to understand, but I think I get what you were trying to say.Rewritten:Then, like clockwork, it dove towards the huge churning waves, but it leveled out just before hitting the water. I couldn't help thinking that the rahi looked unnaturally evil, and... was it smiling?Voxumo and Granato I found to be likable, believable characters, although at times the dialogue was difficult to understand. Personally, I think Nato was a bit too giving and accepting for a Ko-matoran, but that's just me. Break the stereotype; change is good! :) My real concern as far as characters go is Zakano. He's, um, shall we say, high volatile. Really, this is the first time I've heard of a Turaga trying to drown himself because he's bored. For a leader, a past Toa, and a defender of matoran, he seems a little on the immature side. If that's how you wanted him, then you did a great job, but you may want to rethink that angle.My favorite part of the entire story was the prophesy. A little tip of the hat to Vakama's visions without being overt or cheesy; I appreciate that. The actual words are a little vague and mystical, like a vision should be. And above all, they don't rhyme, thank Mata Nui! You do well with the mysterious and the unexplained - try to use that more often. And practice with the dialogue always helps; I act my stories out in the shower instead of singing. It gives you a feel for where contractions and slang should go. Keep posting and improving!-HH

Edited by Hahli Historian, Feb 25 2012 - 12:24 AM.

  • 0
Current Epic: Life is a Blank - last post Jan. 22
My Library: The Esoteric Athenaeum
Member of the Epic Critics' Club


aa0ef09c4ad9bf8017ddec306412e550_zpscff1

#3 Offline Voxumo

Voxumo
  • Premier Member
    BioniLUG Member
  • Premier Members
  • The Shadow Reaper

  • 3,214 posts
  •  

Posted Feb 25 2012 - 01:25 AM

ECC Review:

Let me start by saying I'm sure most of us would love to wake up one day and find we're wearing armor and and a kanohi. But usually, having that plot be anything but an idle daydream comes out as cliche and boring. Not so with The Switch Mirror. No, you have somehow eliminated the idea that a human-turned-BIONICLE is not only impossible, but a lousy story. Perhaps this is because you have had most of your memories of our world erased. The resulting Toa has a single purpose: to complete whatever mission for which he was brought across the dimensions.Regrettably, your epic does have several grievous errors with regards to punctuation and capitalization. (though I pleasantly surprised to see that your spelling is mostly correct! :biggrin:) And the switching back and forth between fonts doesn't help anything, either. I know, this is always the boring, depressing part of a review because I proceed to take that brilliant epic you poured your heart into and reduce it to schoolwork. But trust me, the worst thing that can happen to a good story is for a couple mistakes to cause the reader to shut the page.

From post 1:As I search my memories I find that my memory has faded for I can only remember snippets of my human life I don't even remember my name. Although I remember general information about bionicle such as the elements, what colored armor being associated with certain element also what toa matoran are and that most masks have powers. Just then a being emerged from a snow drift.

Rewritten:As I search my mind, I find that my memory has faded; I can only remember snippets of my human life. I don't even remember my name. Although, I can remember some general things about BIONICLES - the elements, what colors go with what element, what Toa and Matoran are, and that most people wear things called kanohi masks - but I feel lost and strange. Just then, a being emerges from a snow drift.Remember not to repeat the same word in a sentence too many times, and break longer thoughts into two sentences. It just helps the reader keep up.

From post 3:... and realized the webbing which held my right hand was latterly disintegrating.

Rewritten:... and realized the webbing that held my right hand was literally disintegrating.At least, I'm pretty sure that's what you meant. ;)

From post 4:"You may have been able to take out the lights little toa, can still smell you and your fear of me."

Rewritten:"You may have been able to take out the lights, little Toa, but I can still smell you and your fear."

From post 8:Then as if clock work it dived towards the huge waves churning on the ocean, but leveled itself just before hitting the water. I couldn't help but feel like it was covered by an unnatural evil, yet seemed to enjoy the evil.

This one took me a few times to understand, but I think I get what you were trying to say.Rewritten:Then, like clockwork, it dove towards the huge churning waves, but it leveled out just before hitting the water. I couldn't help thinking that the rahi looked unnaturally evil, and... was it smiling?Voxumo and Granato I found to be likable, believable characters, although at times the dialogue was difficult to understand. Personally, I think Nato was a bit too giving and accepting for a Ko-matoran, but that's just me. Break the stereotype; change is good! :) My real concern as far as characters go is Zakano. He's, um, shall we say, high volatile. Really, this is the first time I've heard of a Turaga trying to drown himself because he's bored. For a leader, a past Toa, and a defender of matoran, he seems a little on the immature side. If that's how you wanted him, then you did a great job, but you may want to rethink that angle.My favorite part of the entire story was the prophesy. A little tip of the hat to Vakama's visions without being overt or cheesy; I appreciate that. The actual words are a little vague and mystical, like a vision should be. And above all, they don't rhyme, thank Mata Nui! You do well with the mysterious and the unexplained - try to use that more often. And practice with the dialogue always helps; I act my stories out in the shower instead of singing. It gives you a feel for where contractions and slang should go. Keep posting and improving!-HH

well dang thank you for your very detailed review. I will say that Zakano is kind of meant to be a bit immature and unlike most turaga he hates the stereo typical oh be a wise elder and have no adventure. so he has devoted himself to being more like he used to be when he was a toa which is why i chose to give him a mask of fate so that his physical abilities are better than a regular turaga.Also the reason why the font changed is because i write these on word first then i transfer them over and the font sometimes changes. i do plan on going back and changing and fixing the fonts and the spelling errors.

From post 8:Then as if clock work it dived towards the huge waves churning on the ocean, but leveled itself just before hitting the water. I couldn't help but feel like it was covered by an unnatural evil, yet seemed to enjoy the evil.

This one took me a few times to understand, but I think I get what you were trying to say.Rewritten:Then, like clockwork, it dove towards the huge churning waves, but it leveled out just before hitting the water. I couldn't help thinking that the rahi looked unnaturally evil, and... was it smiling?

Also i will slightly reveal a story tid bit. that rahi is actually nivawk and the reason why i wrote "covered by an unnatural evil, yet seemed to enjoy the evil" is that he is being covered by teridax's evil aka his influence and yet most creatures would try to stay away from evil yet nivawk seems to not mind. that is why i wrote him like that. and if you kept reading it also mentions how the rahi suddenly disappears that is actually teridax creating a portal and transporting nivawk back to him. and teridax is actually using nivawk to spy on them because he heard of the disturbance on stelt. i hope this make sense why it was written that way. I will probably not change the final wording on that part but probably the clockwork part.and also i did not quite understand what you meant by the vakama thing. it would be nice if you could explain to me what you meant.i'm glad you reviewed it.

  • 0

BZPRPG CHARACTERS

Syvra-Tivanu-Vrina-Voulge-Kidona-Chivinix-Celis-Darvin-Draeverian 'DJ'-

"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."

Home Grown Alaskan Sprites. Your one-stop shop for the most organic sprites


#4 Offline bonesiii

bonesiii
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Forum Leaders
  • Perpetual Master of Reference

  • 18,882 posts
  •   BZP Leader

Posted Feb 28 2012 - 08:14 PM

Since you asked me for help with this, I read what you've posted so far and here is my review.First, some advise for the part listing the characters before the story starts. Instead of saying Toa twice, like "Toa Voxumo: toa of ice," I would simply say "Toa Voxumo, of Ice." And capitalize the element names.Also, I generally advise against starting a story with a list of names, more than just the two or three main characters anyways. I would put that list at the start of the review topic instead. I say this because experts on fiction writing advise that the plot itself should always introduce the characters in ways that the readers will remember, so a list should not be needed before jumping in and reading. This advise is not universally followed, though, and I didn't mind the list, so it's up to you.Anyways, on to the story...I love the way you introduced the idea of this as a human turned Bionicle story. I've seen it done in a few ways, but this is a very good one. Just shows what you would see and how you'd feel.It also makes a good inciting incident as you see it as a "magnificent yet horrid truth." A major test I always apply to stories that I learned in a fiction class which is that the first paragraph should be the first time the main character learned something was wrong, leading into the story, and this passes well. :) I've seen other stories which seem to usually treat it as just a good thing, but it WOULD be disturbing to suddenly be what you weren't. :)As I said by PM, I wish the format was left-aligned instead of centered. It's hard to read this way.Watch your capitalizing; I'd advise capping all terms like Ko-Matoran. There's a lot of other capitalization and puncuation errors, but I assume you're more interested in plot-based reviews. So just in general I advise going through looking for such grammar problems in edit mode and correct any you see. :)

“I noticed that you have no form of weapon on you so I’m giving you this short sword in case we have to defend ourselves.”

I would be careful with lengthy wordings like this, especially in dialog. Usually people don't explain themselves in such detail. A more realistic wording would be, "You might need to defend yourself out there."

He eventually asked me whether I was a Toa of ice. I simply told him that I really don’t know because I experienced some memory loss when I arrived here, although that was a lie but I didn’t know how he would take the truth about my origins.

Not technically a lie, though, is it? Earlier you said he had trouble remembering some things, so it's a partial truth. I'd split that into two sentences and remove part, something like this:"...when I arrived here. I didn't know how he would take..." etc.Nice observations along the way you have him make, like about how warm the heatstone made the cave. They feel natural.Nice description of his memory of coming to the dimension; falling through a deep black hole. Simple and terrifying. Even cooler that it's not just a metaphor for a wormhole (though a wormhole is probably involved I guess), but a literal hole covered in snow. It is thrilling to imagine that you might walk up and find a hole in the ground, so deep it appears black, and if you fell through, you'd end up in another world. :) Clever as well that he (or you :P) fell through snow to snow; implies that he may have slipped on snow and be dreaming this, but doesn't deny the possibility that it's some mystical elemental connection that triggered a portal or something.

to my surprise I could read the matoran alphabet like I always knew how to

You know, what might have been cooler here is if you changed it so you had already become fluent in it as a fan of Bionicle, so you understood the symbols. But of course it would still be surprising that you knew all the words, since they don't use English. :) Laviki could express surprise that you read it so easily, too.You were asking me about riddles, and I think the prophecy definately has good riddle value. :)I didn't see that coming, that he wasn't already a Toa, and very good portrayal of Laviki's sacrifice. Obviously Laviki believes that Voxumo is important; that was touching.Chapter 2:I like the training approach, especially that the senses should be at the same level so you could do well while blinded, etc.Did you mention his mask power at this point? I don't remember it. I see from the mocpages bio that it's a mask of possibilities, but at this point I think the reader needs to know, esp. because the MOC uses an Akaku so the reader has to look carefully to see what it really is. I do remember the word "possibilities" being mentioned but I didn't catch it referring to the mask; a very brief reminder in early chapter 2 would be good.Also, one thing I would have done differently is make sure that before Chapter 2 we get some idea of what a main antagonist might have done or caused to happen that is a problem for the protagonist. This is just standard advice, probably too late to edit anything in here, just consider it for future stories. The problem is that besides the inciting incident, which simply puts the character into the world unexpectedly, we have no occurances that clue us in to what the conflict of the story is about, other than a vague legend. Generally I find readers are most engaged with a story when early on you have some idea what the big threat is, although you certainly don't need to reveal who the antagonist is until later.I felt the initial training summary was enough; the practice missioney stuff later made me want to skim. I get that he's been trained, now I wanna see something to move forward the plot. Cool sword though -- but it could have been found in a way more directly related to a central conflict of the story, I think.Good scenes at the end of 2. Although I'm not sure how to picture being covered with a forest of snow. :P3:Uh-oh, animals have gone quiet. Something Shannara-ish is afoot. :PAnd wow, that is a truly monstrous beast, and very well portrayed. See this is the kinda stuff I would have preferred be in Chapter 2.Smoke monster?! :P4:Nice touch with the tide. I always love it when an author takes the time to have little weather/environment threats intrude upon the plot, instead of just things the characters do between themselves. Helps ground the plot and make it feel more real. And a nice twist that this seemingly realistic intrustion is now turning supernatural, perhaps indicating a water elemental being.The part fleeing from the shapeshifter, especially when trees start flying through the air, is pretty frightening, good job.I mostly liked the end of the fight with Kavanex, although it felt too convenient to suddenly find out Voxumo had earlier helped some Rahi who now jump in to help. Also, I didn't understand why they would guard the shapeshifter; being Rahi are they smart enough to do that just because Voxumo wants them to?This solid-water mirror -- did you mean to say it's simply ice? Since this is in a cold region? Or something magic? Either way, I forget if it was mentioned earlier but probably should have been, when he first entered that place.I think he'd be a bit more emotional about Laviki's death, and not as talkative about it. Slower to absorb it. I'm talking about the "Wow he sacrificed himself..." line. It doesn't feel realistic. Difficult to do scenes like that though.Although it sounds like he might not be dead really. Interesting... And kinda creepy. :PThe leadin to the larger plot is looking good. At this point I'm kinda liking that he doesn't know the main conflict, since you are making a point out of his ignorance of it. The main improvement I would make would be to cut out almost all the middle stuff of chapter 2, but keep the start and end of it, and import all of chapter 3 into two, shortening the epic by one chapter. Not that you should actually do it, just something to keep in mind for future story, to skip over stuff readers would want to skim anyways.5:I don't think the things like "with no hint of denial" and "honest tone" are needed as there's no reason for him to be dishonest about that anyways, and going out of your way to say he sounded genuine makes me think he isn't. Which I don't think you intended.I like the three-knobbed box; clever.n6:Nice enter.I didn't like the LFA part; better just to say "I hovered", since you already said a couple of times how he's hovering, so the reader is familiar with it. And the acronyming for minor things doesn't fit Bionicle style IMO. But that's probably just me.Also not very fond of the "how'd you save us so fast?" and "not sure how I did that" part. It doesn't seem necessary, unless it's perhaps trying to hint that Laviki is still a factor, given the armor. The dialogue there just seemed unnatural, and it didn't seem unexpectedly fast as you told it either.And nice leave. 6 is mostly good, just little things I didn't like.7:I like the "rudely interrupted" feel of his introduction to the gladiator arena. The whole arrival to Stelt has obviously been ill-fortuned. Fits the place well from what little we know, heh. And even more so with the "would have been clever" move that got him fighting the giant. Yikes.Any reason why Blelp is not capitalized? It's his name, right?"How did you activate those powers?" seems contrived, especially for fast-paced battle; try "how did you do that?" and I wouldn't have Voxumo answer; instead he should just win the fight. It's usually a bad idea to stop battle to suddenly have a longwinded conversation. Besides, more likely Blelp would just think of it as cheating and not really care how he did it or think it would be enough. Stelt strikes me as the kind of place where cheating is common, even expected.Awesome moment with a Toa in the audience seeing the symbol. Has good "I wouldn't have thought of that but I should have" value.There's a lot of things like this and I'm not gonna point out each one, but you have a habit of saying things like "due to the fact that that toa of plant life... I then heard the Toa say..." that don't sound like they belong in narration usually, esp. in battle; they sound more like a lawyer talking. :P Too clinical. I would change it something like this: "But he never reached me -- the green Toa leaped onto the field and a wall of plants burst out of the ground, blocking the giant. The Toa shouted, 'To the vehicle! Now!'" Gives a better visual image of how the blocking happened and feels more natural and actioney. That should hopefully give you a good idea of what I would say everytime this clinical style shows up. :)Nice arena exit, lol. Told at just about the right pace. Note to future prisoner-glatiator fight designers: avoid using vehicles lol. And I loved Zakano's reaction heh. Ironically makes him quite memorable.Nice dealio with the powder and stuff.8:Interesting mysterious incident with the evil hawk thing.Strange and scary tower. All to get to some stairs lol, nice.Nice to get an answer so readily as to why Voxumo is there, and it sets up a nice core conflict for the rest of the story. A great evil who might get loose soon. Yeah, that all connects well, so take my earlier concerns about no sign of the conflict with salt. Although I stand by that Chapter 2 felt mostly skimworthy.It's unclear who is speaking at the end when they're agreeing to continue working together. Some quick said-tags there would help.9:I'm glad Voxumo has an emotional reaction to the often loss of his powers. And this common loss fits with the fact that he's not a native to the universe.Nice test, and good that you included a nick. Since the person who told them to enter this appears to both control everything and to be on their side, I suspected all these deadly things were just illusions, but it appears not.I would strongly, strongly advise against doing "chapter 9.5" etc. Just number each post as a new chapter. There's no reason to have decimaled chapters. Also the "duo 1" side note thing I would definately cut. You can make it all clear in context. I think the main reason you did that was that Voxumo wouldn't be there for the other tests. But I don't think this is a problem. If I were you I'd just have the others meet up again and say they faced the same test. I feel like your story will get too complicated if you leave Voxumo's point of view (including that brief bit in 9; I'd cut that part, because mysterious voiceover guy explains it anyways). I mainly say this because you set this up as a first person story, so it seems clearly to be Voxumo's story and none others.If you -were- going to show the others' tests, I would just use "I" for Voxumo and use third-person narration for the others like you did in that brief section already in 9. But seriously, I would just have both teams face identical tests, since we already know all of them are going to have to pass them all, so the reader will get bored if it's overused. Maybe even after the first test have them briefly all meet up again, but after the second not, so the reader is left thinking maybe the other team failed. Your choice. :)Oh, and I would definately not say "end of chapter X" like that -- instead link to the review topic at the end of each chapter. :) It's superfluous to tell us it's the end of the chapter; we know that already, and what we want is the link so we can review what we just read. You'll probably get more reviews that way. :)I agree with most of Hahli Historian's ECC review. I actually didn't notice the font thing, somehow, but yeah, best to fix that. Just edit all the posts, select all (Control + A in windows), and select the same font from the list each time, then submit. Should easily handle that.I disagree about allcapping Bionicle, and especially adding an s; I read it as you were talking about the franchise, not the (often annoying since it's inaccurate canonically) fan term "Bionicles" which only refers to the characters. You were talking about the whole world, so no s. And allcapping it is not normally done by fans referring to Bionicle, and feels unnatural especially in narration. The only fix I think is needed to that word is to cap the first letter.I agree with most of the other grammar suggestions. HH turned one past tense into present tense; I would instead change all the present tense to past tense. Most of the rest of your story uses past tense and to me it's almost a requirement if you're doing first person, unless you're telling about a very specific personality who tends to use present tense, like "So I says ta da guy, I says", which doesn't fit at all here. You're writing as Voxumo telling what happened to you in the past, so you're saying, "Here's what happened to me and what I did."I liked the comedic, almost desperate immaturity of Zakano, for the record. It's a stereotype that elders must always be wise and mature. Real old people come in as wide a variety as young people, heh, and are sometimes very much like that, going a little nutso now and then and acting like little kids. That trait can be found in people of all ages. Maybe a little less believable for a Turaga who must have once been a hero, seemingly, but I liked it. The alternative is to do yet another typical wise sage type and that's cliche -- and glad to hear that was intentional; thought so. :) I also didn't think he was entirely serious about the drowning from boredom thing, knowing Voxumo would stop him; probably just wanted attention, but maybe that's just me.If we were supposed to get that the hawk was Nivawk, I didn't, although it makes sense. Did remind me of him but I'm not really clear in the slightest how the locations or timing of this story match up with canon plot, so I had no real reason to think it was Nivawk. For all I know it's another dimension in which there never was a Nivawk. So I take it that is supposed to be a clue this is happening during 2004 plot?By "tip of the hat to Vakama's visions" HH means that your prophecy vision thing does a good job of being similar to Vakama's visions. :)

  • 0

#5 Offline fishers64

fishers64
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Mask of Light Unveiled

  • 5,119 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Mar 18 2012 - 12:06 AM

Between the mysterious Turaga with unique ablities, Voxumo saving people from high-speed boats, gladiator battles, and flying airships, this epic rocks.I throughly enjoyed reading about Voxumo and his interesting adventures. Great job! But my stubborn inner critic has some points to possibly make this epic even better (or contribute to future stories), and I think you should see them.Chapter 1:

I don't even remember my name. Although, I can remember some general things about BIONICLES - the elements, what colors go with what element, what Toa and Matoran are, and that most people wear things called kanohi masks - but I feel lost and strange. Just then, a being emerges from a snow drift.. Just then a being emerged from a snow drift. The being was roughly 4.5 feet tall, was also wearing a mask and his armor was white. I remembered enough to identify the being as a ko-matoran. The ko-matoran walked up to me and said "so I take your not from around here. By the way my name is Nalo. I live in these mountains."I felt that I should introduce my self “It’s nice to meet you Nalo. My name is Voxumo.”

Okay, so I think in the first line you meant to say Bionicle, correct? Is repeating the line "Just then a being emerged from a snow drift." necessary?

“That name is very unique.”“Also you are right I'm not from this here. Where is here anyway?" I ask the ko-matoran" well we're on the northern continent close to a village of fe-matoran." Answers Nalo" would you be willing to guide me to that village?" I asked

I would encourage you to avoid the word asked. Asked is redundant; since you already have aquestion mark at the end of the sentence, the reader already knows that the speaker is asking aquestion.Also, after you have identified the characters in a scene, you do not need dialogue tags, seeing as there are only two people in this scene...we already know who is talking. For example:

I felt that I should introduce my self “It’s nice to meet you Nalo. My name is Voxumo.”“That name is very unique.”“Also you are right I'm not from this here. Where is here anyway?"" well we're on the northern continent close to a village of fe-matoran." " would you be willing to guide me to that village?"

Why is Nalo being so kind to a random stranger, quickly volunteering information and even weaponry?He doesn't know who is person is. Given the characteristics of Bionicle, I would expect him to be a bit more suspicious...I notice all the characters so far in the story (Nalo, Laviki) go out of their way to help Voxumo without a hint of suspicion. It seems odd at first.Chapter 2:Also, I notice that you directly describe things here. Show, do not tell. For example:

It has been 10 years since Laviki started training me. Laviki focuses more on using my mind and my senses instead of direct fighting although he has taught me so many different battle techniques, heck I even beat him 4 times.Even though he’s a turaga he is mighty agile and nimble.Laviki in the last 2 years have focused on my senses believing that all senses should be at the same level: locating Laviki’s staff blind in a practice field filled with a captured gate guardian, having to smell Laviki while he used a kanohi Volitak in a heavily wooded forest etc.Laviki was really surprised how quick I learned how to use a kanohi and my elemental powers. During our time together he and I have gone from teacher and student to friends that would do anything for each other.

Can you show us this? I would almost like you to step back a bit and have the scene where Laviki ties the blindfold over Voxumo and he stumbles about trying to find the staff.What is he thinking in that situation? Does he remember what Laviki says while he is looking for it?The latter point, the two becoming friends, could also be shown here. Voxumo trusts Laviki while putting on the blindfold...why? Does he remember somethingelse from his years of training that convinced him to trust Laviki?Chapter 4:

Earlier on my journey I had helped a group of Kavinika that were being attacked by several large nui-jaga.Apparently they had remembered and gathered their friends and were now attacking Kavanex.

You have? Perhaps you could talk about this earlier so it isn't so surprising.Chapter 5:

When I awoke I looked over the edge of the cave and the sight I saw was one of amazement: several hundred zyglak and frostelus were mounting an attack on the fort. I activated my levitation add-ons and used them to reach the top of the cliff to get a better view of the battle. The zyglak had the upper hand because of their plague and the unique properties of their weapons. The fort had a squad of visorak and a vortixx guarding it.Even as the zyglak defeated the visorak the frostelus started scaling the wall to reach the roof of the fort. I left the scene continuing my original goal.

Why do we need to know this?Chapter 8:

“That sounds like a good idea since that is the only idea we have come up with.”

This is an epicly awesome line. No sarcasm at all intended.Chapter 9:

" Oh for love of mata-nui i'm sick and tired of people screwing with my powers. It's like someone is going and who will we mess with today oh heck lets mess with Voxumo. Fate has a sick and twisted sense of humor."I thought to myself this happens far to oftenVanuka looked up at me with a really confused look so i bent down and said it was alright just a little stress.

Yet another awesome set of lines. For some reason, your writing style made the last line here even better.* * *This story gets markedly better as it goes along, or at least I felt a bit less critical of it as I went. This one is a good lesson in the importance of not overlooking a story because of the author's ways of spelling and punctuation. I look forward to reading the ending. Great job, and keep up the good work! :)

Edited by fishers64, Mar 18 2012 - 12:08 AM.

  • 0

14126183966_9690cb0da3_z.jpg





0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users