I have a friend who has been living a hard life. When he was 4 years old, someone poisoned their hay and his parents both got hay fever and died. My friend lived on the farm alone for 18 years, robbing banks and stores to pay his bills. One day he found a gun on the ground with a full clip in it, so he found the guy who poisoned their hay and killed him! The police found out and let him go with a warning, and gave him a machete to defend himself from angry birds. Since then he's got interested in country music, and signed a contract with the EMI!

But then a few days ago, his school was having a parent/kid day. Of course since he didn't have parents, he decided to go to the barn where they buried his mom and dad. While he was sitting there, the brother of the guy he killed jumped down from the ceiling with a pitchfork! One of the cows tried to fight him off, but got turned into a hot dog! So my friend grabbed a pitchfork as well, and they both stabbed each other in the face and into the brain! My friend survived, but the other guy didn't. While my friend was in the hospital, they discovered that his brain fell out of his ears, and he ate it!

He's doing very well now, he got out of the hospital and wants to be the first person to land on Mars!

(hey, you realize I'm just having fun with you, right?)