Why Llamas Are Llamas

By Turakii Lavasurfer

At the beginning of this assignment, I knew very little about llamas. Had I not researched, I doubt my essay would have consisted of much more than "because they are not ostriches."

However, thanks to the magic of the internet, Google, and a dictionary, I can now happily report that llamas are not only not ostriches, but are also not penguins, zebras, cows or elephants.

Having been instructed to describe aforementioned llama in my own words, I promptly offered Webster's my entire property's value in exchange for the rights to their dictionaries. They unfortunately refused (perhaps the property value on bedrooms has gone down), so here goes a bit of rewording...

1. A humongous fluffy animal who carries backpacks and refuses to go North

2. The fluff remaining from said animal after it has been shaved bald, often fused with wool for knitting equally fluffy sweaters

The best assumption as to why they remain what they are and not what they aren't, however? Few scientists can fathom the confuseability of that question. Some claim it is their hairyness that assists in their retaining their llama-like shapes. Others simply assume it's because no other animal has been know to magically turn into another animal, so why should llamas be an exception?

Eager to feed my educational gap (and for extra credit), I grabbed the nearest legal pad and pencil and hit the streets to interview innocent passersby and transfer their knowledge to my brain.

Passerby 1: They spit for defence. They are large. They are smelly. And they have a really annoying song. That's about it.

Passerby 2: I read about them in history and geography class last year... well, they're realated to alpacas... they're docile... they're hairy... they spit... and some people use them to make jerky. Other than that stuff, though, I don't know anything else. Well, I think they may use the wool for clothes...

Passerby 3: Llamas!? What are you, some kind of obsessed freak!? Get away from me, you hyperactive weirdo!

Passerby 4: Llamas are animal from Peru. That's it.

The next person I chose was unfortunately a member of the International Committee for Preventing Research on Llamas. I fortunately managed to get back into the house a few steps ahead of him, and thus armed with the above knowledge, wrote out this essay, and skipped away glowing with pride.

Turakii