...

What did you DO? O_o

Aww, I still love you.

You can always add my name in the HH Fans block, cuz there's no link for where you go to sign up =P

But, you're awesome as you are now. I can't speak for the history, cuz I can't recall those words being associated with your behavior which means it was probably before I met you. But really EW, you are awesome and you deserve a hug.

...

 

What did you DO? O_o

May seem like a little, but it did a lot.

Basically, I made an open fool of myself in front of two high-level staffers a year ago. Worst mistake ever. I've lied about my aspirations and intentions to be staff to many people, covered them up, put them in loli dresses, but they're still there. Nothing stays buried forever, and when my best friends are selected left and right of me and I'm left standing, it kinda hurts cuz I know I'm doing something wrong.

You can always add my name in the HH Fans block, cuz there's no link for where you go to sign up =P

 

But, you're awesome as you are now. I can't speak for the history, cuz I can't recall those words being associated with your behavior which means it was probably before I met you. But really EW, you are awesome and you deserve a hug.

*hugs* Added, too. xP

So many people say I'm awesome and I'm not sure why. I look at who I am and feel ashamed because of it. I released truths in bits and pieces, I manipulated people, hid stuff from my friends. Sure, I look awesome on the outside, able to give a good debate and make some people cower, then turn around and give someone a great big glomp, and that's a very awesome mix, but I feel my shortcomings moreso than my accomplishments, just like the brain stores the bad memories more than the good ones.

We already knew each other when the incident took place, I just hid it, like I did with almost everything else, so you never knew. My attitude has always been, and I fluff my ego feathers a lot because of it. It's why I can be so aggressive or passionate about something, especially when something about myself is at stake, like a reputation, a victory, a promotion... (I went to BrickFest to apologize to one of the biggest names I insulted, and one of the reasons I wanna be at BrickFair is to do the same to someone else, in person. That's an example of my determination to have a clean name.)

But then, one of the biggest steps forward to fixing something is acknowledging there's something wrong. I aim to fix what's wrong now. My name means a lot to me, it has a lot of good memories in it and lots of people respect it, but knowing there's a crack in the huge hull somewhere troubles me deeply.

You guys are awesome. I love you all.

~EW~

Uh... What prompted this?

A lot of things, a lot of thinking, and the catalyst:

I've always aspired to be on staff (who hasn't?), and many people, mostly friends, think I'm more than qualified for the job. I tend to agree with them, and know I'll do a great job if I ever was selected. That's not the issue, though: not only am i not being selected, but my friends are. Sure, I feel really happy for them and love them and all, but at the same time I feel kinda, y'know, left behind.

I'm just insecure and want to prove myself, but that's a dangerous mix. I've let my pride have it's way way too long, letting it hide things. I've lied about the whole thing, saying that I have no intentions to be on staff, saying that I don't want to have such a weighty responsibility. But that's not true. I want to be open, to be honest, to be free, but I can't do it on my own. You people are the bestest friends I've had, and letting my feelings get in the way and not being truthful... it hurts. Too much of my life has been centered on me. I don't like that, not anymore. I don't feel any better like that.

I realize that I wanna be my best, but that being selfish and deceitful isn't my best-- it's my worst. I aim to change that.

~EW~

Wow.

I was rather suprised by this. Then when I think about it, not really. Everybody here is a person. We all make mistakes. I myself envy a lot of people around here and have done somethings that I am ashamed of. Unlike you EW, I don't have the courage to admit them, but I hope I will one day.

What you did for CJ was awesome BTW. Your a good person, EW. We all just have our moments.

I appreciate what you're trying to do, but please, don't start doing things like this. I can't explain here since it involves a banned member, but I shall via AIM if you ask. Correct your flaws as we all should, but please don't become a suckup, especially because of rank.

Edit: After discussing it via AIM, I take back my words.

It takes courage and impeccability to stand unafraid to let the world see you as you are, warts and all. The first and foremost person whose forgiveness and acceptance you need is you yourself. The rest of the world may or may not forgive you, but the important thing is that you humbly asked for it and fully intend to change those things which brought you shame.

You have a giant ego, if I may say so, but that's perfectly fine. It's part of who you are and I love you without condition.

BCMon said it all.

Do a bit of soul-searching, go ahead and change yourself if that's what you want, but after you're through with all that, let it go. It's good that you're making an active effort to improve yourself, but don't get hung up over the mistakes you made.

Kudos EW, kudos