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Ape-ocalypse Plan

SPIRIT

Entry posted by SPIRIT

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Alright, BZPower. I know I'm generally not a very serious guy, but there come times when the joking must stop. I come to you about a very serious issue that I believe everyone should be aware of.

 

A bonobo chimpanzee by the name of Kanzi has discovered many troubling things in the past few years. He can use sign language, recognize pictograms, make fire, cook food, make tools, use knives, and even play video games.

 

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Throw out your zombie plans; the ape-ocalpse is coming! I've seen Planet of the Apes, unless we come up with plans to deal with this coming threat, we'll all be wild savages and zoo exhibits.

 

Now, assuming the apes don't figure out computers or written English, I should be safe posting my own Ape-ocalypse Plan here, but I will have a backup plan just in case. So here's my plan:

 

1) Forget bribing them with bananas. Scientists say that the banana will go extinct in ten years -- it'd be suicide to rely on them!

 

2) Apes are notorious for not being able to throw. The advantage we humans hold over the apes is that while apes are able to swing from tree to tree easier than us, we can throw much better than them. That being the case, we should destroy all our firearms and invest in throwing spears and atlatls. I, myself, will set up a private stockpile in the basement just in case.

 

3) Since apes are tropical creatures, our only hope may be to retreat to the north, where we'll be safe unless they figure out how to use animal pelts for warmth. With my quiver of throwing spears and winter coat, I should be safe. If not, I can still use snowballs as weapons because, once again, apes can't throw.

 

4) Humans have the most stamina for running out of any other creature -- as long as the apes don't figure out how to use our vehicles, I should be safe.

 

5) My eventual plan will be to retreat to a remote ice floe in the Canadian north where I'll be safe to run guerrilla (yes, I realize the irony) attacks on the simian uprising, doing my part to gradually whittle down their numbers so that we can reclaim civilization (as you know, humans breed more often than apes).

 

So what are your Ape-ocalypse Plans? Let me know in the comments or post it in your own blog and give me a link.

 

TOGETHER WE CAN SURVIVE!

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Captain Marvel

My ape-ocalypse plan:

 

1. Call the worlds top scientists to a meeting to make a living system suitable for Mars life, and a way to get there.

 

2. Have them design a virus that can be broadcasted to every single electronic device on Earth, and disable it.

 

3. Call the people and a Noah's Ark-type-thing of animals together and send them off to Mars, but not before building the living system.

 

4. Live our life on Mars as planned.

 

5. Watch and see what the apes do on Earth through satellites.

 

6. If, over the course of many thousands of years, they do get intelligent enough to follow us, we'll be ready with defense systems and attack systems as well.

 

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «
7. Realize that all of this is fake and then go back to earth in happiness and peace.
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Shadow Destroyer

1. Recruit all other animal species to help us in the war.

2. Kill all apes.

3. Kill our animal allies to make sure they don't betray us in the future.

4. Live happily ever after... and die of starvation.

 

 

~SD~

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xccj
What happens if the scientists are right about global warming? There wouldn't be any remote ice flow to escape to! :P

Obviously it's the apes who are acting against initiatives to stop Global Warming. Thus they must have also also learned politics, but this might be to our advantage, because it represents a step back on the intelligence scale. :sarcastic:

 

:music:

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SPIRIT
SPIRIT, it's official, you're paranoid :P

We'll see who's paranoid when an ape comes hunting you and Charlton Heston horseback.

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Krayce
SPIRIT, it's official, you're paranoid :P

We'll see who's paranoid when an ape comes hunting you and Charlton Heston horseback.

:uhuh:

 

Did your brain ever get tested or experimented on when you were a child? :evilgrin:

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Zeddy
Another could be you stick fake hair on yourself and jump around like a monkey and try and blend in with them.
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V-N
They'll only get to take over if we blow ourselves up in WWIII, so right now I'm for species coexistence.

As Einstein said: "I don't know with what weapons World War 3 will be fought with, but WWIV will be fought with sticks and stones."

 

:P

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Commander Phantom

1) Gather all plans for the USS Enterprise ever made by Trekies ever. If they've been destroyed already, my Millennium Falcon plans should work.

 

2) Gather a crew of the finest soldiers and scientists in the world to join me on my continuing mission.

 

3) Track down Spherus Magna and find the Mask of Life.

 

4) Use mask to devolve Apes back into simple chimps.

 

5) Watch TV. ^_^

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toafirethemighty

You can all do your silly little escape plans, and my wishes go with you. However, I have a contingency plan that will actually work. I will mobilize my army of SHEEP and DESTROY THE ENTIRE APE POPULATION!!! BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

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