Me: Hi Student Loan Providers. So, you guys told me that if I couldn't make a payment, that I should call you, and we could work something out, because it was better than just missing a payment.

Student Loan Providers: Yes, this thing you say we said, we did indeed say.

Me: Okay, cool. So, my first payments are due today.

SLPs: Again, you are speaking truthfully.

Me: Yes. So, I'm unemployed, and have $1.22 in my bank account, and $0 in cash in my possession.

SLPs: Is that because you paid us?

Me: No. I can't afford to pay you. Because of those things. What can I do? I'd rather not default or have a missed payment and then be charged late-fees that I also cannot afford. Because I have $1.22.

SLPs: Well, because there are no payments on your account, we cannot offer you a deferral or forbearance. Unless you pay us $50 right now, then we'll postpone your payments three months.

Me: I have $1.22.

SLPs: Which is why we suggest paying the $50 to postpone your payments.

Me: But I can't afford $50.

SLPs: We understand your hardships, so we're prepared to offer you a three month forbearance.

Me: Great. What do I have to do next?

SLPs: Pay us $50 right now.

Me: ...

SLPs: Otherwise, your payments will be marked past due, and a collections agent will be calling you in a month.

Me: So, I'm still unemployed, with $1.22 to my name. Just as I was at the beginning of this phone call. I don't have any money.

SLPs: We understand, sir. Unfortunately, this is all we can offer you.

Me: How does this not qualify for financial hardships, as mentioned in the contract I signed?

SLPs: Because in order to qualify for that, you'd need to have a job.

Me: But if I had a job, I wouldn't be having financial hardships...?

SLPs: That's the policy.

Me: So I was told to call you if I couldn't make a payment, because then we could work things out, and my account wouldn't default, and wouldn't ruin my otherwise pristine credit score.

SLPs: Yes, and thank you for calling and making us aware of your situation. Your late fees will be processed quicker now.

Me: .... What? So by calling you, instead of helping me, while I'm trying to be responsible... this has made things worse?

SLPs: No, now you're just aware of the late-fees. Otherwise, we wouldn't have told you, and you'd just be consistently short on your payments without your knowledge.

Me: #$%^#$^#

SLPs: Is there anything else we can help you with today?

Me: :angry: :angry: :angry:

SLPs: Please make your payments on-time, and have a nice day!

Me: :burnmad:

Me: :unsure:

Me: