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Kaleidoscope Tekulo

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Blog Entries posted by Kaleidoscope Tekulo

  1. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    So, last time I just showed you guys a sketch that I did of myself. This time, however, I figured I'd upload an actual selfie.
     
    Eh, I guess putting up a sketch and calling it a selfie seemed kinda trollish? But, no more! I am just sorry that old blog post was misleading.
     
    This is a photo of me.
     
    I know, I know, you don't have to say it... I have really nice eyes.
     
    ~Junpei
  2. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    So, our first full day of vacation is looking slow. Basically I am here with my parents and two of our family friends. I am the only person here under age 50 (Until Akano, KK and Friend: Toa of Friendship get here)
     
    Anyway, after thirteen hours in a car on the way down here, and my getting of Super Smash Bros 3D in the mail the day before we left, I have had time to play. All of the characters are unlocked and there is a myriad of unique and interesting fighters to choose from...
     
    Too bad I've only been playing as Avatar Korra, Bolin, Asami, Mako, Nigel Thornberry and Duck from Princess Tutu.
     
    The Mii fighters might just be the best thing ever. Okay, it takes a while to figure them out, but customizing characters to be offensive, defensive, speedy or mixed is really cool. Defeating Master Hand as Asami is an incredible feeling. Playing as Korra while kicking Mako into oblivion is sooo satisfying. Having Asami uppercut Mako is equally as satisfying. Bolin is still adorable. Having Duck in a princess brawl with Zelda, Peach and Rosalina is also entertaining, especially since I gave her all of the defense I could and made her a cybernetic swordswoman. (Seriously, it is so out of character that my love meter has been maxed).
     
    If anyone is interested in any of these guys, let me know and I'll post an entry with screenshots and a detailed report of their special moves.
     
    MUAHAHAHAHA!
     
    ~Melon Lord
  3. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    So I don`t really define myself with technicalities, or at least I try not to. I also try and grant the same perspective to other people because that`s just how my mind has always worked.
     
    There is a member in my family that has different needs than most people. I never really realized it until that family member met briefly with a childhood friend of mine. I had always just thought of that person as another member of the family. "Yes, that person acts differently, but Mom acts differently than Dad. Mom is Mom, Dad is Dad, and this person is this person" That was how my mind worked as a child. I like to think I carry a fraction of that mentality with me even today, though honestly I have no clue if that's the case.
     
    I know it`s not always easy to believe other people when they say "I know what it's like to be..." You can never just trust anyone else with your opinions, especially when you feel so personally and so strongly about that one trait that you relate with. People build morals, ideals and their very identityies around those sorts of things. How can anyone trust someone else with something so personal? Even so, I still try to get some sort of message across. Just here and there mostly, but I just want everyone to stay calm and think important aspects of their lives over rationally. It doesn`t sound like a lot, but sometimes people just can`t be rational or calm. They`re too proud, too stubborn or they have something that just means so much to them that they won`t ever consider taking their ideals lightly. And that`s fine, I guess.
     
    I am only 22 years old as of right now. So, what have I learned? Things change. I used to be a bratty kid with a hot temper. Then I was a miserable adolescent dealing with depression on my own. Now I`ve gone through treatment and I`m actually more or less content with my life. Sure, things aren`t perfect, but nothing ever is. That`s life I guess. But I`ve also learned that, yeah, I am different.
     
    Now, I don`t really have a label for myself that I fully appreciate, and I don`t keep up with personality studies, though I have taken a couple. (DISC - I think I was an I\C? Myers Briggs says I`m an INFJ). Ever since I was a kid, I grew up overweight. I know it`s not the most tragic thing you`ve ever heard, and yeah I am responsible for my own life choices and it`s not something that someone`s born with. That`s just how I was and still am. And yeah, I got bullied for it. I never got beat up, but throughout my schooling I would be a target for teasing. Some kids would hug me out of curiosity and tell their friends it was like hugging a big marshmallow. My bad temper didn`t help me any either. The more I reacted, the more it happened. I ended up just shutting up and ignoring people around me. That was a pretty unhealthy way to deal with it looking back now. When I went through my depression in highschool and college, it took me forever to finally come to terms with the fact there was something wrong with me, and even then it took me longer to actually tell my family.
     
    I hated that I was different. I didn`t feel comfortable in my own skin. I would go for walks after school and other kids (while sometimes meaning no harm) would make comments. I never lost my temper despite being quiet. I wanted to fight. I wanted to punch. I wanted to scream. But I put all of that aside. It never got any better. At least by ignoring they could have their fun and then get bored. That was just the way I was. That was just the way life is. You can spend a lifetime reasoning the ramifications of bullying, but ultimately it will still happen. That was just how my life worked. They were them and I was me. I had to deal with it alone. That was just the way it was.
     
    Anyway, as bad as things could get sometimes, I always told myself I was lucky. I have a good family, I have my health (more or less =P) and I have reasons to be happy, even if I wasn`t happy all of the time.
     
    Well, I don`t know if any of you guys have dealt with being overweight. I don`t even know if any of you can relate even a little bit to what I`ve said so far. Still, I think that no matter who you are or what you do, there will always be someone who tells you who you are and what you are capable of. When I was in college studying to become a baker, a student in the culinary program told me right to my face that no matter how hard I worked I would never find a job (And he was so stuck up about it that I wanted to punch him. Still, I was set to ignore, so that didn`t happen). I think we will be told our place in the world many times before we die. That`s the world. That`s just the way it works.
     
    But that doesn`t mean you can`t do anything. That doesn`t mean it doesn`t get better. Yes, I am still overweight. Yes, people around me still take notice. Yes I can be treated differently because of it. But for the first time in my life I feel comfortable in my own skin. I am 22 and I am employed as a baker. Not only that, but my bosses actually want to keep me around. Go figure. I have no idea what the people who made fun of me or told me who I was are up to now. I honestly don`t care. Karma could punish them, or they could be super rich and popular. It makes no difference to me. I like myself the way I am, and yes, I am imperfect. Yes, I should lose weight and I should probably work on my own personal identity more than I have in the past. But honestly? Right now I'm just glad with who I am. And I know my story doesn`t end here. I`m going to change a lot over the years. That`s what life does. That`s the way it works.
     
    I say bring it on.
  5. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    So I don't remember all of it quite clearly, but I remember it dealing with BZP in this weird glitch thing... Basically all of the words on the site were like this and the links didn't work. I remember finding a link, but it somehow turned me into super-mega-great-being-decide-who-lives-and-who's-banned-kawaii-desu mode. I think I was trying to tell the staff about it, but then the dream changed...
     
    INTO WRESTLING MANIA! Well, it was a bunch of chibi peeps (so kawaii) sneaking into this wrestling show by pretending to be the pro wrestlers themselves (those two dudes were so easy to fool in THE BEST DISGUISES EVER! -TBDE include sunglasses with wigs that matched the owner's hair to a T. I never knew my dreams could be so funny XD-).
     
    So, after we stole some costumes from the gift shop storage room (no joke. I was the shark guy... Steel Blue or something like that? The name involved the second word being "Blue" of that I'm certain). So then after raiding through more merchandise (even some fake Lego sets which featured Dorothy from Wizard of Oz, the scarecrow, etc (nice quality too for a knock-off brand), we gathered our footballs, tennis rackets and other totally logical items for wrestling (did I mention I'm not a sports fan? They all look the same to me), the real, much larger and less kind wrestlers sure enough arrived fashionably late, brushed us aside and got ready for some WRESTLING!
     
    Of course after that the gang raided the clothing department, got some legit disguises (and because we were wearing masks at the time they didn't get our faces) and blended into the crowd.
     
    Best BZP-related dream ever. XD
     
    Oh yeah, that island I made is now available to the public (trying to sound like a big-shot).
     
    Ta-da!
     
    Now worship it in fear and all of those other happy emotions. ^^
  7. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    Celestia, ruler of the sun. Luna, ruler of the moon.
     
    Twilight: Where the sun and moon meet.
     
    Well, no duh...
     
    I... I think I'm going to hide my head in shame now for just noticing this...
     
    GET OFF MY LAWN!
    ~Tekulo <3
  8. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    Okay, it looks like that last entry did its job fine. Seventeen upvotes? Pfft, I didn't even know seventeen members visited the blogs. XP (And I don't mean to belittle coming out or anything. It's actually very important. But I might save my opinions on it for another entry at a later time)
     
    Anyway, I thought it would be neat to start using my blog for personal stuff that isn't just ranting. Not gonna lie, I kinda wanted to make that last entry more like the ones that were super personal about my anxiety and stuff, but I think I can do better by better organizing my thoughts and expressing myself through different means.
     
    Anyway!
     
    Thoughts on being nice:
     
    So, back when I was at Culinary School, I was super anxious at just about everything. I was in a new city, I didn't know anyone, I was socially awkward and shy and I hated my life with a burning passion for some reason. I was in the Baking and Patisserie program, and so I woke up around five in the morning or so and had to walk from my apartment complex about five or so blocks to our first class in a hotel building which started at six. That class normally lasted around an hour and then the baking students would walk five or so blocks to our next class which was for our general education to get an associate's degree. Those classes were mixed with Culinary students, who probably woke up at six thirty or so, maybe. They had their Culinary classes at night or in the afternoon. I actually did take a Culinary class too in my first month, which was mandatory.
     
    So, the Culinary Classes and the Baking and Patisserie classes kinda had an unspoken rule about them from what I could tell; Baking students were nice and Culinary students were mean. And that's not the absolute truth of the matter at all. Believe me, not everyone in the Baking program was super nice, and not all of the Culinary students were horribly mean. It was just this unwritten trend brought about by circumstancial evidence. Culinary students were not allowed to bring their food home with them because a while back a Culinary student threw their food at a pedestrian on the street (that was the basic story anyway, I never got the exact facts of what happened, but we were all aware that this rule was in place). Baking and Patisserie students, on the other hand were allowed to bring home the food they prepared because there had never been an issue with the students of that particular program. Not gonna lie, though, I was tempted to throw a pie in some students' faces because of the social implications of that. (I'm going to point out here that this is an excellent example that being nice is not the same as being a good person)
     
    See, when we got to our desk classes (I'll call them this because we sat at desks for these classes while we stood for our food preparation courses) the Bakers, we had all of these breads and desserts that we could share with the Culinary peeps. The Culinary peeps, on the other hand, had their classes later, and they weren't allowed to bring food back anyway. This lead to some disputes. It started with students who didn't want the excess calorie intake who started giving away their food with no worries to the Culinary students. The Culinary students were obviously the only ones interested, typically, because the Bakers already had products of their own to take home. This would also be a good point to mention that we also could not give away the food we made to people on the street as a school rule (See, there was a legal issue in the past where someone got sick after they ate food made by a student. They blamed the school because they thought the food they consumed was not prepared properly. Again, I never got the exact facts of this. This was just a story, but it was the reason given for why that rule was in place). So, basically, not wanting to be wasteful, the Bakers who didn't want the dozens of pastries they made in class were happy to get rid of them for Culinary students who were aware of this rule and ate at their own risk. They were probably happy to wake up and have some pastry for breakfast for their first class in the morning. I know I would be.
     
    And that went on for a little while and things seemed to be working. But time changes things. Over time some of the regular students who got the pastries started getting impatient with the Bakers, demanding them. And I mean being straight out rude. Now, the Bakers who didn't want their food anyway, some of them honestly didn't care and just scolded them to not be so hasty (which of course nobody listened to anyway). The rest of the Bakers, though, we got kinda impatient with the others. The best way I can describe it is unspoken hostility. We didn't like the way they were treating our peers, our friends; The ones we hang out with at five fourty five, just chatting and bonding while waiting for class to start.
     
    It didn't help that the biggest offenders were jerks in general. Obnoxious, late to class, difficult, complaining that they got in trouble even though they were the ones causing the problem half the time, etc. I honestly don't recall too many people in my Baking classes that were like that, but there were times when I had to switch classes. Trust me, it was not a Culinary only issue. Though, every situation is different. So, I guess this is just a look into my personal experience and opinions on where social biases can come from. And, yeah, there was more to it than just this, but students being rude did not help break an image I noticed that formed in my head while attending class. As for my personal take, anyone is capable of being rude, and both parties played a part in enabling such a bias to form. But more on this subject later.
  9. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    Personally I like the aspect of a hardened character feeling cheated out of a normal life. I could relate to that on the level of my personal orientation and how it's viewed. Arguably being gay for me is linked to a personal loss in a way. (I am not saying it is this way for every gay person ever, every situation is different, and yes, there are LGBT+ people out there who could have always been comfortable with their orientation and I do not mean to imply otherwise. Tl;dr, please agree to disagree with me on this, I'm trying to speak for myself here, not to speak over anyone else. Sorry if this is annoying, but we're talking about representation here, and arguably I'm not the easiest person to read, and this is a text-based communication which is more or less proven to make people read too much into things, so here we are).
     
    Basically, for me, being aware of my orientation and choosing to remain closeted at a young age has put a damper on literally every personal relationship I have ever formed. I'm still not out to my parents, and I love my family (despite me being angsty). I'm more or less convinced at this point that coming out to them would change things. There are loads of people telling people like me stuff like "haters gonna hate" and "don't let them get to you" but when someone problematic is that close to me, honestly, it makes things challenging. And when I don't know how someone will react to my orientation, then this really horrible thing happens: I doubt. My brain goes into overdrive and I think of every potentially horrible thing they could do to hurt me. I will say this again, I love my family. But the truth is, if I told them right now, things would be bad for both them and me, to put it lightly. It gets to the point where I feel the need to map out a battle plan to tell them about a part of my identity. I need to use tact and keep my wits about me just to communicate a part of my identity to my family. And honestly? It's stressful. I find myself wishing my situation could resemble that of a majority; an orientation that was considered normalized. If I were the norm, though (heterosexual) then that would be the equivalent to sacrficing a part of my integrity and personal identity. That isn't an option for me. I'm having such a hard time dealing with all of this that honestly, I don't want to tell my parents to spare them from everything I am dealing with. And there is more to it than just that, there are also selfish reasons, but I'll digress.
     
    So, if that was the idea they were going with; a character that put up a stiff upper lip but also longed for a life that was socially considered "normal" then it's true that I could probably relate to that character on some level. The issue with that is, what character representation do I consider I have as a gay man with this in mind?
     
    There's Danny Phantom. He kept a secret from his parents who were prejudiced against a part of his identity. I can relate to him to a point on some level. The moment where Jazz told Danny that she was there for him, and that even if he thought she wouldn't understand, he could tell her anything. Take notes people; you never know who is closeted and who needs support (and I need to follow that advice because honestly I kinda suck at this myself). Though, he was shipped with Wes. He was also half ghost and could turn intangible and fly.
     
    There's Aang; a protagonist who suffered a personal loss and initially kept his identity as the Avatar a secret. He did it because the airbending kids treated him differently after they knew he was the Avatar. He also valued pacifistic means even when he faced the Big Bad. Respect. Though, he was shipped with Katara. Also he grew up as a monk unlike me, and he was a master airbender by age twelve, was frozen for one hundred years and was besties with a giant two ton floating bison.
     
    There's Lewa. He goofed up and messed up time after time. But he also learned and his experience has saved the toa and helped them to better understand their enemies. But he's a biomechanical robot with air powers that can't decide on which dialect to use.
     
    There's Korra; a character who struggled and worked through a lot of personal issues (something I'm in the process of doing to seek help). Her orientation has also been confirmed to fit in the LGBT+ spectrum, which I personally find awesome. She also did master all four elements and has a light spirit living inside of her.
     
    There's Mulan. She struggles with an inner image and fights for equal treatment and respect. But she's also a war hero that works with a travel-sized-for-her-convenience dragon.
     
    There's also Katara who had suffered a personal loss and arguably allowed that loss combined with a betrayed trust to become prejudiced (against Zuko). Katara hated him. You know how Zuko handled it? He asked why and questioned how to fix the problem and did something about it. Even when Aang tried to talk her out of her revenge scheme, he acknowledged that it was a journey that she had to take, but pleaded her to reconsider and forgive the man that took her mother from her. And she never forgave him. But she was still able to move past it and forgave Zuko. And... that's the kind of character I truly admire because I see a lot of myself in that, especially during my life right now. It's like, finally a story was saying it's okay to break down, let it out and then move on. And that it didn't make me any less human to feel like Katara. Though, she is a waterbender and she did get kinda murderous.
     
    There's Modern Family with Mitchel and Cameron. Mitchel has a few scenes with his personal relationship with his father, a less than progressive man. There are a few scenes that are way feelsy to me on that level. The fact that Mitchel and his father can coexist even while being on opposed sides is... it's not fantastic, arguably, seeing that my own situation could lead to (and likely will lead to imo) passive aggressive turmoil with my family over something like this, but the fact that there is an area of media that I consume that addresses that issue in a small way is... I don't even have the words for how happy that makes me feel. Cameron also deals with members of his family that are less than tolerant (his grandmother, iirc). But, look at that. I'm a single dude who has never had a relationship and I am also not a father, nor do I plan to have children.
     
    These are just the characters that came to mind off the top of my head. I mean, to someone else who doesn't know my situation, this could sound like a whiny complaint. However, only two of these characters are gay men. Am I supposed to be content with the fact that only a handful of the characters I like share my orientation?
     
    There's also a flip side to this: A lot of villain characters tend to have tragic backstories where life was unfair and they tried to change things (Like Kuvira. It's also why I personally love how Korra said she saw a lot of herself in Kuvira, and yet Korra considers everyone's best interests when trying to help change the world, unlike Kuvira). I could go on about this, but it's probably an entry for another day. I'm rambling way too much with this one as it is.
     
    This all can sound very silly, even borderline stupid and nitpicky, but consider this: I am a person who, from a young age, has felt rejected by a number of things. The religion my parents follow arguably has a dogma against people like me. The opinions and preconceived notions my parents have formed by not supporting LGBT+ rights has lead me to doubt them (and it is a religion I feel they want me to follow, so that can make me feel like I'm simply not enough). The opinions from childhood friends who thought gays were something to be feared lead me to doubt them and myself, and so I cut ties. The bullies that picked on me for being overweight had lead to me doubting that I could ever be happy with my body type. The decision I made when I came out to my brothers has lead me to questioning whether or not they will out me to my parents. Coming out on this site has lead me to worry that I will merely be seen as a pedantic, complaining fool. It has also made me worry there will be people who will say I'm only pretending to be gay in order to reap the rewards of a handful of upvotes. I have worried, feared and stressed and felt a need to validate myself to all of these. And now I feel I have to turn around and do the same pedantics for character representation out of a sense of duty.
     
    When talking about fictional works, there is an argument that "We're talking about a fictional story where x shoots y from their z. You are looking too far into this. You cannot relate to this situation because you are a and they are b."
     
    Heck, I even remember a bunch of backlash when J.K. Rowling revealed that Dumbledore was gay. Personally I think it's awesome to see a gay character in a popular story.
     
    Know who were the ones with the backlash? The people nitpicking like me; what I'm doing right now.
     
    This is my life. I see contradiction after contradiction and I feel the only way to move forward is to press on in some way, shape or form. It's exhausting, but if I don't start working on this, then what good am I ever going to be to anyone else? And that's my personal opinion. Not everyone needs to agree with it. But it's mine. I get to decide what I feel, I get to form my own opinions, and that is not an objective stance anyone else gets to decide. And my opinions are going to change with more information I take in. It's a life long process.
     
    When talking about representation, I feel the need to use tact whenever I express an opinion on what I do and do not relate with. I already face that in almost every other aspect of my life because of my orientation. But, if I don't automatically fall in love completely with any scrap of representation I'm expected to relate to because of someone else's opinion (You're gay, they're gay, you should be relating, so stop complaining), then I am "whining" and "some people just can't be satisfied" and "oh, that's cute, the peanut gallery is complaining again."
     
    A part of me is totally fed up with feeling a need to validate my existence for almost every aspect of my life. But giving up and quitting isn't going to help anyone.
     
    Feminism is a movement that is working to fix this. Even if I can't catch a break on some level, it could mean the next kid with a similar situation to mine can be less stressed out over what I am stressing out about. The only way that is going to happen, in my opinion, is with proper communication of the issues. And I guess that's why I'm blogging this entry right now.
     
    Am I a feminist? I question that, actually, like I question everything. Still, the more I look into the issues, the more educated I'll become, and the more my opinions will change. It's why I'm looking into LGBT+ literature right now to fill in an educational gap that I should have done the moment I realized my orientation was queer, imo.
     
    So, comments on this entry will be allowed. However, I will filter comments on this entry because this is sensitive stuff here. Feel free to disagree and debate in a respectful tone (I actually encourage that), but please do not just get angry that my opinions don't match your own. Feel free to send me personal comments via PM, but just know I have every right to not care that you're upset with me, the same way you have every right to not care that I posted a blog entry.
  10. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    ... If you ever get a cat tree sort of piece for your adorable ball of fluff and they just ignore it after a while, then no fear!
     
    Follow my easy instructions to ensure your cat will rediscover and adore their old scratching post!
     
    Step 1: Relocate cat tree to a new location.
     
    Step 2: There is no step 2
     
    Aaand presto! Your feline friends will spazz like it's raining catnip (please note that adding catnip into this equation may result in your cats surpassing the speed of light and defying the very laws of physics).
     
    I know from experience...
     
    Now then Billy,
     
    GET OFF MY LAWN!
     
    ~Tekulo <3
  11. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    Gathered friends,
     
    It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you all of the passing of Akano: Toa of Electricity. You know, this dorkus. He was found on a beach this morning somewhere in Australia. As to what he was doing there, there is strong evidence of a kangaroo boomerang war with sharks and lazerbeams. It is believed Akano bravely fought off twelve sharks, six kangaroos, five platypuses and a duck before succumbing to a deadly splinter from a boomerang accident. Truly a tragedy.
     
    Many will remember Akano for his comic series here on BZPower, truly the only noteworthy thing he has ever done with his life ever. Others may remember him for his physics lectures on his blog, but let's be honest, only nerds pay attention to those. It is a travesty that such legacies shall never be continued. He was also probably like one minifigure away from completing the latest wave of blind bags too.
     
    From a young age, Akano has always had an interest in science. He would place string on an ice cube and then add salt to perform the darkest of sorcery known to man. He was always eager to learn and would never shut up when he learned something he thought was interesting. I mean, I have learned things just by knowing Akano that I never knew I cared so little about. Akano was also fascinated with ancient Egypt, which makes it even more curious why he would travel all the way to Australia. I mean, that's not even close to Egypt.
     
    As per his will, Akano shall have his lips sewn shut, his eyebrows plucked and the rest of him mummified. The mummy will be put on display as a warning to small children of what happens when you pick a fight with Australian fauna. May he rest in peace.
     
    Pay your respects, then get off my lawn,
    ~Tekulo <3
  12. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    So, I keep brainstorming for my Epic when I realized that I still haven't worked out all the mechanics of the story.
     
    I want the protagonists to be interesting enough, the plot to run smoothly and Sir Quackers to make at least sixteen doomsday devices before the end of it.
     
    Though I kinda realize my villain department is a bit lacking.
     
    So, what do you guys and gals think makes for a good villain?
     
    I could always use some brainstorming fuel.
     
    (Also, go read my LEGO fanfiction. It's probably the only fanfic I'll post on this site, Sumiki)
     
    GET OFF MY LAWN!
    ~Tekulo <3
  14. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    So... long story short SUMMER HAPPENED AND IT IS STILL HAPPENING OMG
     
    I think the last time I was on here was before the start of my summer job. Idk dudes and female dudes, I'm too lazy to check.
     
    BUT ANYWAY
     
    This summer has been... an adventure so far. Things I've done:
     
    I've cuddled with a couple of cute guys.
    I've had my first boyfriend (that only lasted about a month and a half, but while it was short lived it was really sweet)
    I made a friend irl who is a dude that falls under the LGBT spectrum. First time that's happened lol.
    I buzzed the side of my head and rocked a Skrillex-esque hairstyle.
    I gave myself a full undercut and cut my hair short and it looks super cute.
    I got my first ear piercing (only my right ear).
    Got a New! 3DS which happens to be the ugLIEST THING IN ALL OF EXISTENCE
    Made employee of the month for the first time in my career
    I came out of my shell this season and got closer with old friends from last year and made new ones.
    I've lost 30 lbs (tho I'm still fat lol)
    Also I came out of the closet this season and it has been a huuuuuuuuge weight off my shoulders.
    Many fun stories that I cannot divulge to y'all here on bzp.
     
    It's been a good summer. Life happened. Drama reared its ugly head. I got to have new experiences in a safe environment and express myself in ways I never have before. I'm going to miss it up here. I still have one month left, but the months have been going by rather quickly even when they seem to take a while to pass.
     
    I'm really glad I came back for a second season.
     
    That covers the long and short of stuff, more or less.
     
    How have y'all been?
  16. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    So, I was just browsing my Profile when it showed that I had just over 1,000 profile views...
     
    Now, I have no idea if that number is comparatively low or not, but I just keep imagining 1,000 pairs of eyes watching me. I knew I should have learned a highly complex dance routine for such an occasion! Now how am I going to entertain all of these people?
     
    ...
     
    GET OFF MY LAWN!
     
    Tekulo <3
     
    (P.S. I am LOVING my new blog name, you have no idea. XD)
  17. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    Many people appear to be talking about queer issues and gender issues these days. From what I have noticed, not many of them appear to know what they're talking about. I mean, yeah, there are a lot of ideals tossed around, but a lot of people I've met just seem to avoid talking about anything other than opinions. I think speaking to queer individuals on their opinions and thoughts might help that a bit. And I'm not just talking about political issues, but rather personal ones. Why it is that queer issues are becoming more and more prominent in the first place? A lot of people I've met who say "I don't have a problem with gay people" are also the ones who, in my experience, don't understand why it's something people are talking about, and would rather people just keep to themselves entirely. In this entry, I hope to address a few more personal issues about being queer and what that means to me. Hopefully this could maybe help people better understand each other.
     
    Full disclosure before I continue with this: I am a gay man. As for my gender identity, after research and personal exploration, I have come to realize it is very likely that I am nonbinary. For those unfamiliar, that means identifying as something that is not fully described as either male or female. In my case, it's more like I identify as male in certain areas and female in other areas. If that sounds weird, I can assure you; yeah, it kind of is. But there's really nothing wrong with weird. It just means it's different. It really doesn't change too much for me around here because I am fine with identifying with him/his pronouns.
     
    So, what is it like to be closeted? What is it like to be queer in the modern age? If personal identity does not define a person's content of character, then why is this such a big issue? These are all questions I hope to address and answer by the end of this entry. Before I answer these, I think it would help if I explained what growing up was like. This is just a quick synopsis.
     
    As a child, I originally had crushes on girls. They were just crushes and they only went as far as imagining holding hands or maybe a peck on the cheek. Once I hit my teenaged years, however, I noticed that those crushes had limits. Middle school was a very confusing time. I never expected to be queer. It was also when everyone stopped being nice and started using crude humor. Among them, the word "gay" was used to be synonymous with "stupid." I was scared. I was already being bullied at the time. I grew up overweight and I was teased for it once I hit middle school. At the time I didn't tell my family about it. I knew they would yell and get angry. I was tired of that. I didn't want yelling, I wanted to be what at the time I thought was normal. I was afraid of more bullying if anyone found out.
     
    So, I tried to deny it. I told myself that I was just bi or that I was pansexual after I learned what that was later. I didn't want to be gay. I didn't want to be queer and questioning. I just wanted to be accepted, and my peers clearly would not accept me. Being gay wasn't the problem, it was, for the most part, how my peers treated the subject of homosexuality.
     
    Time passed and I went into highschool. My friends at the time were less than progressive on the subject of homosexuality, to put it lightly. I was afraid. Long story short, our friendship was toxic for everyone involved and I cut ties with them. I got pretty depressed after that. I felt like I needed a distraction, and online games like Runescape, Gaia Online and Virtual Magic Kingdom were fun enough. I still wanted human contact, even if I was afraid of talking to anyone in my family or seeking help from peers. Chatting and goofing around online was enough, even if it was just a text-based communication. And time continued to pass and I made friends. We joked around and gossiped. We shared secrets and complained about heavy subjects over time. And once I hit my junior year, I started reconnecting with old acquaintances in school. And the same things happened there as well. I ended up telling one friend from each group that I was queer. They were both women.
     
    Now, I know this can be a touchy subject, and every situation is different. However, the biggest offenders, the people I was afraid of the most? They were always men. That's not to say I wasn't around homophobic women, I was. However, there is a world of difference between hearing a person who happened to be a woman say "I disagree with it, and I don't think homosexuality actually exists." and a person who happens to be a man threatening violence, constantly complaining, and expressing worries about "the ones who are normal" (as in they don't act stereotypically flamboyant or have a voice without an accent) and claiming they are something to be feared. And I personally have yet to encounter a woman who acts in such a manner, even when they hold similar beliefs. And don't misunderstand me here: I am a man. I know that we are not all like this. However, the people I fear the most? They are problematic, aggressive men who do not know what they are talking about. And in my new group of friends in highschool, there were men I wasn't afraid of.
     
    They were just dudes that didn't express an opinion either way or honestly didn't care. Also, there was a reason I didn't tell all of my female friends that I was queer and questioning. I was afraid of them too. I only told two people at this time in the entire world that I was queer. The only reason I came out to them was because we developed a close friendship. And even then, that's not always enough. I had a male best friend since we were in elementary school. We talked about almost everything. I cut ties with him, even though he was a good friend just because I was worried how he might react if he found out. He wasn't the most progressive person at the time, and neither was I, as much as it pains me to say it.
     
    Something that really helped me at the time was the author Hans Christain Andersen. The author of the Ugly Ducking, The Little Mermaid, The Snow Queen among others? He'd written letters confessing his love to not only women, but also to men in his lifetime. Not only that, but scholars speculate one of his stories, The Snowman, was based on a relationship he had with a man. It's likely that there is a fairy tale about being queer. When I found out, I was ecstatic. I'd been feeling alone and isolated for such a long time, and this famous author that people base movies off of to this day, was like me. Even if his situation was different from my own, that was a tremendous help. It helped me realize that I wasn't unnatural. It made me realize that I'm probably not even the first member in the history of my family that was queer. His stories and his history gave me hope in a time when I needed it the most.
     
    After highschool, I went off to college. I went from the countryside to a city, and I was way out of my element. I had a lot of anxiety still and I was also going through a depression that had never really left from my sophomore year of high school. When I got to my baking and patisserie classes, I noticed that over half of my class consisted of women. Half of the men in the class, as I would later learn, were queer. No one really talked about it, but it did come up in conversation. And the men taking the classes? None of them were really that problematic. I was probably the biggest issue to be honest, and I was just clumsy and socially awkward. And not being around any problematic and aggressive men? It was refreshing, even if it was just for one class. My roomates both took issue with homosexuality. I only really feared one of them, though. Being a man is not an issue; being problematic and aggressive is the issue based on my experience (I'm saying this a lot because it's a hot topic right now. Sorry if this gets old). Do I regret not talking about this with other queer people when I had the chance? Yes. Those conversations that never happened probably could have saved me loads of problems. I didn't because I felt like I would just be an annoyance.
     
    And after that, I moved back home and I'm still here now. I've got a job, and I've been making a lot of progress. I'm out to my brothers and certain members of my social group that I've known for years and feel safe around. As for telling my parents, I ask myself one question every day: "Do I feel safe telling my family about my identity?" Every day, the answer is "No." Not yet. There is a world of difference between saying you'd accept someone and then actually accepting them. I should know. I've said for years that I don't care if someone's gay, and then there I was struggling to accept myself for the majority of my life. Honestly, I knew I was gay sometime when I was in college. I accepted that part of myself a little after that. As for my gender identity, I've only just come to terms with the fact that it's pointing away from cisgendered. Personally, if I could have chosen, it would have been something that wouldn't have been anywhere near as problematic to fit society.
     
    So, what is it like to be closeted? It makes me feel unsafe around the people who are closest to me. What is it like coming to terms with being queer in the modern day? Honestly, it was a lot of unnecessary fear and doubt. And the problem was not just with me, but also with the people around me and the enviroment I was in. If a personal identity does not define a person's content of character, then why is this issue being discussed? Because even in the modern day I grew up miserable when I didn't have to. I could have gotten treated for my depression sooner. It's even possible that I wouldn't have been depressed. I could have saved myself more than one existential crisis. I am one of the lucky ones. Many have it worse. I am turning twenty three tomorrow. Not everyone makes it to that age. That terrifies me.
     
    Honestly, if nothing else, I can say this experience has been an eye-opener.
     
    I asked B6 if this blog entry would be allowed. I was told that as long as I kept it true to a personal experience and kept political stances out, it would be fine. I tried to do just that the best I could.
     
    I'm locking this entry because I know this can be a sensitive issue. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to send me a PM.
  18. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    Turn and face the strAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
     
    I GOT A JOB IN WASHINGTON AS A PASTRY CHEF AND I ACCEPTED IT AND NOW I HAVE TO APARTMENT HUNT AND FIND A PLACE TO LIVE WITHIN A MONTH AND THIS IS REAL ACTUAL ADULT STUFF THAT MY EDUCATION AND LIFE EXPERIENCES DID NOT PREPARE ME FOR.
     
    WHAT IS? HOW DO?
     
    But, like, everyone at work keeps telling me finding a place is the easy part and that I'll be fine and that is reassuring.
     
    @w@
     
    This is gonna be fuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.
  22. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    "Hey, Tekulo, where is the dog's toothpaste?"
     
    "...It's being held in place keeping a pocket dimension sealed off. If anyone were to remove it, unholy nightmares beyond comprehension would befall us."
     
    "Okay, well, I'm not going to move it, but for history's sake, where is it?"
     
    -Me and my brother, KopakaKurahk.
     
    He gets me. =P
     
    YOU NEVER GET ME, BILLY!
     
    GET OFF MY LAWN!
    ~Tekulo <3
  23. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    Okay, so I've been having a really good feeling about the next year lately and I had no idea why.
     
    Then I realized it was 2013. 13 has been my favorite number for quite some time.
     
    Friday the 13th has always been my favorite day ever. Every time that magical date appears, I always, without fail, have a good day. Nothing spectacular happens, but I guess it just brightens up my outlook on things. ^^
     
    Anyway, here's to a new year filled with wonderment and other fancy words!
     
    Heck, you're even allowed on my lawn to celebrate! But don't break anything. >.>
     
    ~Tekulo <3
  24. Kaleidoscope Tekulo

    Some Stuff

    By Kaleidoscope Tekulo,

    So, just an update here on some of what's currently going on in my life: I started working out! (Finally, you jerk)
     
    Just around an hour daily of walking on a treadmill machine thing. My plan is to start small with this along with leg stretches. Once I build up my stamina (and by singing in the shower more much to my family's dismay because I'm tone deaf -in order to exercise my lungs a bit more-) I plan on moving on to a more taxing regiment. I kinda want to invest in a punching bag. I still have loads of frustrations, so I think it could help with a healthy outlet for stress relief. Besides, I hear it's a good workout from people who box.
     
    I could also start dancing, maybe practice Hare Hare Yukai like I did forever ago.
     
    The point of this isn't to solely lose weight, though. I've seen first hand how damaging neglecting a body can be. Physically, if I keep being lazy and keep eating terrible foods, it's entirely possible my brain's serotonin levels will get out of whack again, then I'll spiral back into a depression and then I'll have to go back to antidepressants to correct it like what happened in my youth.
     
    I honestly don't want to live a life where I feel like my only option is to constantly go back and forth being depressed, overly happy and then normal after treatment. And, yeah, it can still come back even if I am healthy and there's no guarantee that it will come back either if I remain a total slob. But here's the thing: this is long overdue. I want to be healthy, I want to stick around for a while, and if I have grandkids or great nieces and/or nephews, I kinda want to meet them. And I know I can't have that if I keep neglecting myself and deprive myself of my own happiness.
     
    Let me be clear here: this choice is totally selfish. I'm not doing this for bragging rights, I'm not doing this because I want to feel superior or shame anyone else in a similar position because that's a really terrible thing to do. I'm doing this because I have felt insignificant and ashamed of myself for far too long. It's time I stop treating myself like garbage and start to realize I have actual self worth. Because, you know what? I'm sick of it.
     
    I don't feel strong, I feel hopeless. I don't feel inspirational, I feel ashamed. I don't feel like I'm worth it, I feel like a total screwup that should never have existed in the first place.
     
    I'm done.
     
    It's time to move on from that mentality and that terrifies me. It also makes me really, really excited, though.
     
    Goal for 2015: Become healthy physically. One hour of exercise per day minimum, continue to drink enough water and don't push yourself too far. You can do it, jerkface.
  25. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    To celebrate, I have dressed up my BZPower profile a bit.
     
    Also, I watched Nosferatu for the first time... I don't get it at all, though. XD (Not my definition of a scary movie).
     
    I love this holiday. Scary movies, spiders, the chill in the air, an excuse to wear jackets and cuddle with animals and random people off the street. <3 It's great. Not to mention the food this time of year. Cinnamon, you are my one true love (Just for the record, I do not mean you, GSR. -sings the mentos jingle-)
     
    Well, I shall end my closing thoughts in meme form... because nothing says Holloween like memes... Props if you recognize the reference.
     

     
    ~Tekulo <3
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