Kaleidoscope Tekulo
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Posts posted by Kaleidoscope Tekulo
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I liked this one more than I thought I would initially. It's a pretty good read, though I did have some issues with it. Mainly the flow in the beginning, though most of it was due to grammar.
Like that line. I think you w ere mashing two ideas together. I pictured the sentence to be: "The thing was, Vihar didn't mind Pride shadowing him. In fact, he actually kind of liked it."The thing was, though Vihar didn't mind Pride shadowing him. In fact, he kind of liked it.
This too, it looks like you used "beside him" one too many times.Those types of things did bug me a bit, but I make those mistakes all the time. XD In fact, in my entry's rough draft, I wrote "Macku turned her head to her left to look at her companion on her right." I am so happy I caught that before I posted it. ^^; It just takes a little closer attention when editing, and don't worry, my entry isn't flawless either. ><Beside him, he felt someone sit down beside him
There's nothing that I find wrong with this line, I just loved it so much I thought I'd point it out. ^^ You took something we all knew so well; about a matoran turning into a toa, and brought it to a new level. Not only that, but we got to delve a bit deeper into Vihar's character. We learned that he was a matoran before he was a toa, and that actually could bring his psyche into a new light. I love what you did there. ^^"Vihar, how long ago were you a Matoran?" She asked. Even her voice had changed, becoming an embodiment of velvet. She didn't let him answer before she continued. "Just as you died as a Matoran to be born as a Toa, I have died as Envy to come back as Lust."
Now, this line I dislike the most in this story. I pieced together how Iru died right when Vihar concluded that he should have never listened to Pride in the first place, right after Iru requested he manage a team of toa. You really built up the death of Iru a lot, and I don't blame you seeing as it was something huge for Vihar, but I was really expecting Vihar to stab Anger and Lust and then after they laughed, they merely disappear to show Iru's face. Now, that wouldn't work with what you had in mind for death, I understand, so I probably would have kept Vihar out of the loop as to why they were laughing. Having Anger and Lust greet death happily, then remark that they had done their job and built up a little mystery and confuse Vihar as to why they were laughing instead of having them spell it out for him.Of course that's my style of things... But I just felt it wasn't executed as well as it could have been... =/Now, when you re-used the opening segment... I skipped over it after I skimmed and concluded it was the exact same prologue. It didn't bring too much more to light after reading what Vihar went through for me... I'd suggest doing those bits in a reprise (like songs in musicals. They don't re-use the exact same song when bringing back an idea, they alter it slightly to fit with what new story development has come to light. Like in Tangled, for example (don't know if you've seen that movie) with the song "Mother Knows Best" or "When Will My Life Begin". When Will My Life Begin starts out with Rapunzel looking out the window and hoping to leave. The song returns when she leaves her home for the first time, and instead of being a melancholy tune, it's about her experiencing her freedom for the first time. The same tune, but with new lyrics that bring things full circle. That's what I'd like to see more of instead of reusing the exact same text, if any of that makes sense).Now, on a lighter note; the ending. I absolutely loved the ending of this. You really made it dark and it made quite an impression! I had been focused more on how Vihar killed his leader, and didn't think far past the aftermath. But you really executed that perfectly especially with bringing Death in as a character earlier in the story. Really beautiful job there. ^^Overall, this was a good read. I liked the personification of Envy, Pride and Fear, and I liked the logic behind Vihar going mad by setting foot on Karzahni (I was confused why he was so crazy to begin with, so I thought that was really clever). It really shows how easily someone so noble can lose themselves to simple human emotions (it reminds me of Shakespeare's MacBeth, only the protagonist managed to realize his own faults and ended up taking his own life instead of the world around him executing him. After all, Vihar could have easily escaped his cell or played the role of an obedient prisoner. He chose his own death). This got me thinking, and I really like that. (Sorry if I can be overly-critical. The more and more I like a story or think it has potential, the more and more I analyze it. O.o)Best of luck in the contest! ^^"You murdered your leader."
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... What? ... Seriously? ... You're kidding right?.........I am so disappoint right now if that's true... D=I mean, he could have easily made them mixed (finally a good excuse to do that) or he could have come up with something similar to Orde's backstory. There is absolutely no reason to change something like that, and that would have meant a female element that ISN'T BLUE (teal and cyan are not the same blue that is in every other element... =/)! I mean, seriously, that's just.... that's just annoying, put nicely...Anyway, while I'm digressing, I loved Orde and his backstory. Really, his character, an impossible character that shouldn't exist, is just amazing. Plus it does give us more insight as to why a gender barrier might exist in that universe (I believe it was mentioned earlier about how it was the Great Beings being prejudiced. While this doesn't really make things okay in my book, I still find it interesting and it shows that the very, very annoying and put nicely more annoying rules and guidelines present in Bionicle's MO can be pushed aside. If there's anything I dislike with extreme passion (again being nice) in Bionicle it's that there are just so many rules to things that are just vastly annoying. "Oh, cold energy is totally real. Ice and water are different" They're toa of ice, not toa of a chilly breeze! "Oh, earth and stone are totally different, even though there is no set distinction between the two" ... I know those aren't really Greg's fault, but he could have come up with so many better explanations... Ice is male and water is female... why not have it so only the males of the water element control ice? I mean, it would show that an element is mixed in gender and that gender somehow plays a role in how that element is carried out. Okay, so it's not equal, but the Great Beings were biased on gender, so it could easily fit into the story, I'd think).Also, LEGO seems to cater mainly to its child audience and not the mature, adult audience. I'd love to see them market a bit more to an adult audience somehow, otherwise they're going to just annoy the adult audience like... well, like with everything we're mentioning in this topic.Another minor point that annoys me. Remember how the The Green was supposed to be a female element, but because of an error, the book a Toa of it was mentioned in referred to him as a male, so the element 'had' to become male? I really don't know why Greg couldn't have said "it was only a typo, they're still female". I mean the books have made plenty of errors before. I don't see why this one was so set-in-stone, sorry-can't-change-it.
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Well, keep in mind the story should probably have something to do with the sets. Now, it takes more than six characters to make a story, so I don't see why not to add in some more female characters.But also keep in mind that the child may also be interested in the color. Ironically, blue is correlated with boys for kids (pink vs blue. XP). Though, they aren't made to have a female physique, so I think it is highly possible that a child buying the set for the set's sake probably isn't aware or doesn't even care about the gender and could easily use his/her imagination to give the set its own character and gender. I think the only child that would really care is one that also follows the story, be it comics, online serials or books. The question is; how many childhood fans of Bionicle actually follow the story and would that effect marketing if they added in more female characters assuming they don't go for a female physique. Also, how well did Roodaka sell? That would be very interesting and helpful to know in this situation.That's where I would start form a marketing perspective if I were aware of the gender issue the fans had of the product. Then again, I'm not a marketing expert, and marketing people probably have a ton of other factors to consider (what color of sets are/aren't selling, are the heroes or villains doing better, what are our profits, should we increase our prices, etc) so they may not even realize that there are fans like us discussing this. XD There's only so much time in the day, and I'm not too sure their bosses would like them spending a ton of time searching BZP. ^^;And I'll be sure to check that story out. ^^
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Actually, that's an excellent point, Peach. Though, I was talking about a female team in the story, not necessarily sets. XPThough, that is what fan-fiction is for... After all, we would have to keep in mind that this is a line targeted at kids (and likely boys to boot). Taking gender out of the equation would be kinda... well, it might be risky. Giving a main character no gender would probably make things more difficult to relate to, especially for a kid. That and it could be confusing, and seeing as these are sentient robots with human-like thoughts and emotion, taking gender out of the equation just might seem to take a level of personality out of them, I'd think... =/A story where the protagonist's gender isn't revealed? I think that's a really cool idea! Especially if gender does exist in the universe that the story is set in. If done the right way, I think it would be a really interesting read, especially if it's a romance story (though, tread lightly with that in my experience. XP).Hmm... depending on the characters, I could see them treating a female to of fire different ways. Though, I think you covered that pretty well, Alyska. ^^
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I can say with absolute certainty that Mare-Do-Well is best pony.Liked the new episode, though it was predictable. I enjoyed so much to see RainbowDash just fail and stew in her own muck. >=D
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From what I've heard there was something that was not accounted for (something to do with satellites and their perception of time due to their use of GPS. You know how the faster you move, the more your perception of time changes? I think it had something to do with that, though I'm not entirely sure...)But, we'll see. It's an interesting study and I'd love to hear what comes up from further research.
While this would certainly be kind of...uncomfortable, it would also require re-inventors, in other words, physics might get more important again, and maybe appeal to a larger group of people. At least that's what I think...But somehow I think FTL just originated from some measurement errorsI really hope FTL is not true, almost all of modern physics would have to be re-invented.
we'll see(side note: sorry if the way I put things is awkward, I'm really tired and it has been an awful day. ><) -
Hmm... I'd like to see a toa team with more than one female (i mean, srsly XD).And I like those ideas for the action sequence, Alyska. ^^ If only I knew how to animate... =/And I wouldn't say the male characters were totally boring. Lesovikk, Nidhiki, Lewa, Kongu (insert biased opinion of air elementals here XP) were all really cool characters to me. The female characters were interesting too, and oddly enough, almost all female characters seemed awesome (that's kinda impressive if you think about it).
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My favorite branch of science? ... I guess it would be Biology... It's just an interesting study. ^^
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"Okay, Nurse, we're going to need five pounds of bubble gum, six Popsicle sticks, a jack hammer and some duct tape. Hurry! I'm not sure how long Mr. Penguin-fluff will last! D="
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Aww, the mask is happy to see its long lost friend, the purple glowing orb of the ancients! Harnessing its power, the mask will force everyone to wear sunglasses indoors and at night and to dance the funky chicken until they just can't take it anymore! While everyone on the planet is exhausted, the mask shall take its place as the leader of the universe until some cliche villain death plot device occurs. ^^
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Hehe, yeah. With those words, it's more the style than anything else. I thought it fit for a romantic theme, and romantic themes are generally confusing when you take them literally. ><But, Hewkii was about to go back to his thesis, but Macku followed on her own and came up with a re-worded thesis that was mentioned in the first sentence (if that helps at all). The words are more-so Macku's thoughts, but Hewkii was the one who placed them in her head (again, if that logic helps. XD)And, yes, I do know where you're coming from. But, this is still my first short story (and a short story nonetheless). Before I get to that level of making my readers feel pain, I think the first step is getting some relation to characters and emotion. I think I accomplished that with this, at the very least. ^^And no, you don't come across that way. Your criticism is actually very helpful. ^^
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@TheMightyFighty: Thank you so much for this review! ^^I know, there are tons, and I mean tons of grammatical issues in this... I had been focusing on a few others as it is, but you actually brought even more nit-picky details to my attention, and that's a good thing. =DNow, I will disagree with you on a few things. For example, my character choice. I chose Hewkii and Macku because we already know these characters. They have already appeared in the canon story, and so I felt too much development would be preachy and annoying (in other words, I felt less was more with this. I could be wrong, but I didn't want to read a really in-depth soul-searching internal monologue of Macku to profess her love for Hewkii. =/ If I don't want to read it, I won't put my readers through it. ^^'). Now, if I had used my own original characters, I would have likely done more development (only, it would be more challenging to do in a short story than, say, an epic). Not to say I don't totally disagree with you. I did shy away from too much development (intentionally), and maybe that was a fault with this.Now, what I was getting at with the sentence "his unspoken words," that was a bit of my style more than anything else. I wanted this to be a romantic story-not as in lovey-dovey type of story, but more in the field of romanticism. The point was, Hewkii was building up to a grand scene, but decided to stop his train of thinking after he saw Macku get the willies. In other words, Macku was following his train of thought and came to her own conclusion. That was the first time Macku really considered the possibility of "What if they lost the fight?" and "What if things changed for the worse?"And as for the ending (I expected a ton of hate from the way I ended it, as a lot of people don't like these types of endings), I think you missed the point a bit. Read it carefully. Tamaru asks Macku if she is alright. What was the wording of her answer? "I... I'll be alright..." as in, she is currently still troubled and she will most likely deal with her strife in the near future. However, eventually, she believes she will recover... eventually. If she was fine and dandy with the fact that Hewkii had left right away, then she would have said "I... I'm alright." I don't think the reason she smiles at the end is because she's made her peace with the entire situation. I like to think it's because, as you mentioned, she's putting on a stiff upper lip (for her friend). She's holding back her emotions; she's not through with them yet. (That's more where I was coming from. I understand why the ending is generally annoying, but I didn't want to do a "Macku is depressed, but eventually gets over it" part of the story that actually covered that. I didn't want this to get too personal to Macku; it's a story that is meant to be relateable to anyone dealing with some form of loss, not just a matoran whose boyfriend dropped out unexpectedly and so she is rebuilding a city after they abandoned an island paradise for a very high tech city that is currently in rubble. That's why I wanted less for this story).Also, I'm not discouraged at all by your final score. In fact, I'm proud if anything! I'm fairly new to writing (I started getting into writing with RPGs, and people started liking my characters. Now I'm trying my hand at an epic as well as a few short stories on the side; this one being my first finished short story. Considering my first short story can be considered good compared to real works of literature... That's just amazing in my book. ^^)Thanks again for the review, I really appreciate it! (And sorry if I come across as stubborn... ^^; )
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A female of any element, huh? ... I'd like to see a female toa of water psionics lightning plant control. Not so much for the personality traits, but I'd love to see some green girls, and I think there's even more potential to see a daredevil in plant control than air. Swinging on vines, jumping from tree to tree, etc.For some reason I keep seeing an action sequence where she would do a ton of acrobatics in the trees, flips in the air, and would do a ten point landing past a villain, and the villain would in turn burst into flames from the sheer awesomeness. XD
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Hmm... Is it really true that scientists used to ignore the property of magnestism? I recently watched The Haunting and this was brought up in the film. Apparently because scientists had no way to explain or prove what causes magnets to work, they refused to believe such a thing existed. Though, this was from a movie, so I'm not sure if it's true. =/
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Glad you asked! ^^The show has some pretty nice animation, the characters are well developed and mostly relateable, the settings are interesting and properly utilized, and I love what Lauren Faust is doing with it. She has a goal to soften the stereotype that "if it's made for girls then it's automatically terrible." By putting out such a quality show, I'd say she's getting closer to her goal. ^^ I mean, the main character is named Twilight Sparkle and yet I'm a fan of the show. XDI'm sorry, but... no offense, but what's the appeal for this show? It makes Hero Factory look like a clockwork orange or something.
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Hmm... I see pink... with a hint of blue... and a wall of text.
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It's not as British as I imagined, but it still does make me smile. XD
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Bonus points for pointing this conversation towards Lesovikk. ^^Vakama was a good character in the books, but to be fair to the movies internal conflict is extremely difficult to do in film. And not just in Bionicle, either. I've seen some pretty good movies with great characters and then when they get to the ultimate internal conflict, I'm tempted to laugh at how they try to pull it off... Vakama was probably the worst character they could have focused on in the movies, but he was also one of the most interesting, arguably, in the stories (especially during Time Trap) so maybe they didn't see another main character to go off of? =/ In other words, they just poorly utilized a good story via the method of storytelling with Vakama in the movies.And I don't even see why ice and water should be different elements... Cold energy my miru! But I digress... XDI'd love to see more character like Matoro. I'd flip if they actually lived to be fully developed as well. And I agree, while I don't see a male Bionicle character portrayed in a certain way I would have liked, they do avoid male cliches, which is nice (not so much with Matau in the movies, but even he wasn't that bad, actually. XD).
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Uh, Twilight... Yeah, your horn is showing. ><(And it's a Lewa Kirby by the way, X. XD)
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A green person in a pharmacist coat talking to a giant egg being hatched by a penguin who is not named Larry.
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Really? Haha, I can't wait to listen to it (and the new episode... that too... XD)And thanks! ^^ I'm still learning, but I'll always be glad to contribute something, even if it is just fan art. ^^
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Ahh, science. I didn't particularly excel in this subject, but I always find it interesting.One of the recent things I've looked up is super conductivity. Man, is it cool! Then there's cornstarch and water matched with just the right frequency of sound... Gotta love non-Newtonian liquids. ^^ Anyway, I haven't really studied gravity or physics before. Biology was an interesting class, though. ^^
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Jaller and Hahli are disappoint. XDIt's a strange personality because guys aren't generally portrayed that way. Still, I view myself to be more like that than being the classic headstrong type. Of course, I can be reckless and all, but there's also a huge part of me that's not like that. I never really saw that in too many other male Bionicle characters... =/ Vakama as a toa... Okay, he was awesome in Time Trap, but that was kinda ruined for me with the movies. XD And I know! I wish we could have seen more of Macku. She's one of my favorite matoran ever! (I even wrote a story about her. XP)
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Hmm... it seems to have a distinct lack of ponies... ... ...
If A Universe Ends
in Short Stories
Posted
@Aderia: Thanks! I wanted this story to be on the short side as I really tend to ramble a lot when talking. Ironically, though, my writing tends to be of a short nature, though I'm not sure why.Macku has always been an all-time favorite character in my book, although I can't really remember why... She just has this je ne sais quoi that makes her interesting. But I'm always fond of matoran characters and the chronicler's company, and I've had this idea for a while. ^^I'm glad you liked it! =D