TNTOS

when exactly did the "one thought dead" quote come up? Could it have referred to Mavrah?

No. It's from Sahdmad's Tale, Chapter 6. Annona lists "one though dead" among the people used to make the golden being. Here's the exact quote (courtesy of BS01):

“And who will deny me my feast?” asked Annona. “You, a pitiful amalgam of lesser races, bandits, thieves, and, yes, one thought dead? An experiment in desperation. You would stand against me?”

So definitely not Mavrah.-TNTOS-

Let's see (this is not a definitive list, BTW, just the members I can think of off the top of my head):Every member of the ECC 'cause they're all cool like thatmuharax: makuta of insanity (currently known as Eye Beam Lasers)bonesiiiLady KopakaPurple BouncyAnd this really awesome guy called TNTOS. I'm pretty sure he lives near my house, but he doesn't respond to any of my PMs asking if he'd like to meet up with me sometime. I think he's just shy .-TNTOS-

Nightwish has been reviewed.-TNTOS-

ECC Charity Review:Let me start by saying that I like how the title for this story looks. That may be an odd compliment, but I do tend to pay more attention to how a title looks and sounds than how appropriate it is to a story. Due to how little you've posted, I have a hard time judging whether Nightwish is an appropriate title or not, even though it looks and sounds interesting.Second, your spelling and grammar is generally pretty good. I didn't notice any spelling errors, but I did notice some paragraphing errors, such as in the first chapter:

This time, the shadowy being opened a single eye, leering down at the messenger with an icy blue gaze. "Show me the message," he ordered while stretching out a clawed hand. "I will be the judge of its worth…or it will be both your heads."With the threat clear as day hanging over his head, the messenger stood and moved closer, placing both items into the dark one's waiting hand and taking a respectful step back. He kept his head low in submission, willing to accept his master's wrath yet dreading the moment as time slowly ticked by. With each line he read, the dark lord's expression grew more and more intrigued. Then, with a grin fit for a skakdi, he gave a low, rattling chuckle.

This was obviously meant to be two paragraphs, but you apparently forgot to put a space between them. There are several other instances like this in the story and it's always jarring, especially because your paragraphing is pretty spot on otherwise.You also misuse dialogue tags, such as here in Chapter 1:

"So that is their game," he grinned in amusement. "Very clever, hiding her in such a place. It's no wonder my men couldn't find a trail."

People do not "grin" things. They they say things while grinning, perhaps, but they never "grin" them.And in Chapter 2:

"And yet I still like to swim in the lakes and rivers around here," I smiled as I set the now cooling drink down and lounged back. Deciding to change the subject, I asked, "So, how was your day so far?"

Same as before. People do not "smile" things. They say things.

"Well, next time I'll sneak you out and we can play when Mom and Dad aren't looking," I smile at him before a yawn shattered anything else I was going to add-"…I know," his brother replies softly, bowing his head in respect. "But…you know what Helryx will do once she finds out about this…"

Wrong tense. "Smile" should be "smiled" (although if I were you I'd toss out "smile" entirely and replace it with a good ol' "said") and "replies" should be "replied. You're writing the story in past tense, not present tense. You have to be consistent with your chosen tense, otherwise it gives off the feeling that your characters are time-travelers when they're clearly not.I notice you tend to avoid using the word "said" as a dialogue tag, which I think is a big mistake. Dialogue tags are supposed to be draw attention only to the dialogue and never to themselves. "Said" has been used for so long it is almost invisible to most readers and so it doesn't distract from the dialogue itself.Not that you should never use dialogue tags other than "said." Sometimes they really are necessary, but in general you should always use "said" because, again, readers don't notice it and at the same time it helps the reader focus on the dialogue and who is talking. Never underestimate the power of "said."As for the plot, it really feels generic. It seems like your basic "Chosen One" story, complete with protagonist who's ignorant of her specialness, people speaking cryptically of her true purpose, and the villains attempting to get her for equally cryptic reasons. I have no idea what the original version of this story was like, but this version feels very predictable and boring, which is something you generally want to avoid in writing except under certain cirumstances.Not to mention there are some plot holes. For example, if Mak doesn't want Tak calling him by his full name while Kira is in the room, then why were they talking about this secret stuff while Kira was in the room? I understand she was asleep and all, but they didn't seem to be trying to be quiet. Why didn't they go talk about it in another room? Why couldn't Kira's mother put her to bed, instead of Mak? Did they think that by talking cryptically Kira wouldn't understand what they were talking about?Your point of view decisions are rather inconsistent, too. The first chapter is narrated by an omniscient narrator, the first half of the second chapter is in first person, then the second half of the second chapter is a mixture of third person limited and omniscient. It's really jarring. You should realy just stick with one particular point of view instead of jumping all over the place like this. Not that you should never mix POV types, but it's generally better to choose one and stick with it at all times than to jump around like this.Your characters, as a whole and as individuals, aren't that interesting. I'll focus mostly on Kira, the protagonist, although considering how she really hasn't done anything to advance the plot, she's more like a plot device than anything. Perhaps she would have become more active if you'd posted more chapters, but as it is she's too, well, "cute," for lack of a better word.The biggest problem with Kira is that the entire world, at this point in the story, seems to revolve around her for no good reason. The bad guys want her, her dad and uncle had a short argument/discussion about her, she has a talking toy that she built, she has wonderful parents who love her more than anything (well, her dad does, at least), she is explicitly called "special" by the main villain in the first chapter . . . honestly, Kira feels something like a Mary Sue.Now, of course, these are only the first two chapters. Perhaps Kira would have changed and become less of the center of the universe as the story went on, but as it is, Kira is supposed to be special but we don't know why. It seems to me you're trying to make Kira likeable by having her act "cute" and have "cute" things and do "cute" things, but just because someone is cute doesn't instantly make them likeable. If anything, I'd say "cute" characters are almost inherently unlikeable, but I digress.Personally, I'd say focus less on Kira's "cuteness" and work more on her actual personality. Yes, she is only six, but six-year-olds do have personalities, even if they aren't as well developed as older children's. Instead of showing her "cuteness" as a good thing, why not show it as something that could get her into trouble as well? Why not show an actual aspect of her personality that defines her apart from other six-year-old fictional characters?Overall, I really do not like this story. It's not horrible or completely bad, but the combination of a generic Chosen One plot with a generic main character and generic villains just about kills it for me. My suggestion would be to think it over deeply and then rewrite the story again. As the saying goes, there is no such thing as writing, only rewriting (I think I got the saying right, anyway).Keep on writing and never give up.-TNTOS-

Congrats to everyone. There were some pretty spectacular entries and I enjoyed reading them.-TNTOS-

Chapter Six

Akuna lay against a large, shady tree in a hilly field that looked a bit like Shika Nui before creatures known as the Tuikas attacked it several months ago. The sun was nice and bright, warming her body to exactly the right temperature. The wind was blowing, but it was more of a gentle breeze, very soothing and kind. It made her feel fantastic.

She was not alone, however. Lying next to Akuna was Toa Nastan, which was strange because he had died earlier that year. Yet here he apparently was, alive and well, holding her in his arms like he always used to do.

Akuna looked out and saw, down in the valley, that the others were here, too. There was Addis and Barilo, Nonzra and Chimoy, all laughing and talking to one another like old times. She even saw Jokao and Turaga Joha sitting among the other Toa Shika in the valley below. It made Akuna feel happy in a way she hadn’t felt in a long time, seeing all of her friends alive and together again.

“This is so wonderful,” said Akuna, looking up at Nastan’s Mask of Accuracy. “Is this real?”

Nastan laughed heartily. “Real? Of course this is real. Why would you question this?”

“I . . . I don’t know,” said Akuna, feeling slightly confused. “I just remember being with three other Toa in a dark jungle on a haunted island. Was that all a dream?”

“Well, I don’t see a dark jungle or a haunted island here, myself,” said Nastan. He stood up and extended a hand toward her. “But I do see our friends down there. Why don’t we go down and hang out with them?”

Akuna smiled and allowed Nastan to help her to her feet. Then Nastan kissed her briefly, the feeling of his lips against hers destroying whatever thoughts of doubt she had entertained about the reality of the situation, and then grabbed her hand and started leading her down the hill.

I must just have been having a really strange nightmare, Akuna thought as she and Nastan walked. There’s no World’s End or Ghost King or Teridax ruling the universe or anything. It’s just me and Nastan and my friends, living in peace and happiness on Shika Nui.

They were about halfway down the hill when Akuna noticed something odd. Off to their right, the space/time continuum seemed to be going awry. It looked like that portion of the universe was bending itself out of existence, causing Akuna to stop and watch it.

“Akuna, why’d you stop?” Nastan asked, looking at her in surprise. “We haven’t even gotten to the others yet.”

“Don’t you see that?” said Akuna, pointing at the strange phenomenon occurring not far from them.

Nastan looked in the direction she was pointing, but he didn’t seem to notice anything strange. “See what?”

Akuna looked at Nastan, slightly annoyed. She knew he was sometimes not a terribly fast thinker, but she also knew there was nothing wrong with his eyes and that he should have seen the way the universe was acting over there. Maybe he was playing a prank on her, which wouldn’t be surprising because Nastan was something of a jokester.

Akuna pointed again, this time more sharply, and said, “Don’t you see that rift in the universe over there?”

Nastan shook his head. “I really have no idea what you’re talking about, Akuna. Are you playing a prank on me?”

Sighing in frustration, Akuna said, “No, Nastan, I’m serious. There’s something weird going on over there and-“

The rift vanished, replacing itself with a familiar-looking Toa of Shadow. It was Oggak, who, after stretching her limbs briefly, casually walked up to Akuna and Nastan, as though she appeared out of rifts in the space/time continuum every day.

“There you are, Akuna,” said Oggak, sounding relieved. “It’s time to wake up.”

Akuna blinked. “Wake up?”

Nastan immediately stood between her and Oggak. He had his bow in his hands, with an arrow nocked in it, but Akuna hadn’t seen him draw his weapon.

“Who are you?” Nastan demanded, aiming his arrow at Oggak. “If you take one step closer-“

“He’s very realistic,” Oggak said, looking straight down the arrow’s shaft without fear. “That’s just how the real Nastan would have acted if somebody had just magically appeared out of nowhere like I did.”

“He’s very realistic?” said Akuna, blinking again. “What do you mean?”

Oggak gestured all around and said, “This is a dream, Akuna. You know that Nastan, Barilo, Addis, and Nonzra are all dead. Chimoy is with Jokao and Igici back at camp. Shika Nui is a deserted wasteland ruled by the Rahkshi. Don’t you remember?”

The words rang a bell in Akuna’s mind, but it was a distant bell. “Everyone . . . is dead?”

“Don’t listen to that witch, Akuna,” said Nastan, without looking back at her. “No one’s dead. Shika Nui is not a Rahkshi-ruled wasteland. She’s obviously trying to intrude upon your dream and take over your mind.”

“Wait,” said Akuna, looking at Nastan in confusion. “If this is a dream, how do you, a figment of my imagination, know that?”

Nastan didn’t answer. Then he dropped the bow and without warning turned to dust. The dust fell to the ground in a small pile at Akuna’s feet.

“That wasn’t Nastan,” said Oggak. “Nor, for that matter, was that a part of your subconscious.”

Akuna stared at the spot where Nastan had been standing previously, but looked when Oggak spoke. “Then . . . who was that?”

“I don’t know,” said Oggak, her arms folded behind her back. “I did sense another presence in this dream, one far more powerful than either of us. It may have been the Ghost King. Some legends do say that he invades his enemies’ dreams and tortures them from within.”

“How is this torture?” said Akuna, waving her arms around. “This is paradise.”

“It’s torture because you miss Nastan and the others,” Oggak said. “Somehow the Ghost King knows that. By giving you what your heart desires above all else, and then taking it away from you again, he thinks he can cause you great emotional and psychological pain. No doubt he planned for ‘Nastan’ to die a horrible death at some point, which would have reopened your psychological wounds and made you even more vulnerable, perhaps even crushed your spirit if it was gruesome enough.”

Akuna shuddered at the thought. “The Ghost King is insane.”

Oggak looked around for a moment, frowning slightly. “I know I said the Ghost King is behind it, but on the other hand . . .”

Oggak’s voice trailed off before it picked up again. “Never mind. In case you’re wondering, I’m using my Mask of Dreams to be here. You’re currently unconscious due to an attack from the Ghost King’s minions. I came here to try to wake you up.”

Akuna nodded and then looked down at the others below. They were still there, but now that Akuna looked closely, she realized that they didn’t really look like her friends. Barilo looked too carefree, Nonzra too optimistic, to be her real friends. They were just figments of her imagination, dummies made by the Ghost King to fool her, although now that she looked she saw that he had done a poor job imitating them.

“You sometimes wish it didn’t have to be this way, right?” said Oggak.

Again, Akuna nodded. “Yeah. You don’t know how much I miss all of them every day.”

Oggak said nothing to that, instead saying, “Then it’s time to go, I think, and get the secret to defeating Teridax from the Ghost King. Then maybe no one else we love and care about will have to die.”

Akuna put her hand in Oggak’s. “Then lead the way, sister.”

-

Tira, Virof, and Balon stood in the Ghost King’s court. The rest of the Ghosts were stationed outside Mount Apocalypse at strategic points, waiting for the arrival of the four Toa. The Lieutenants were here because the Ghost King had summoned them, for he apparently had some important news to discuss with them.

“Tira, Virof, Balon,” said the Ghost King, looking at each Lieutenant in turn as he spoke their names. “You remember the Dark Horses, correct?”

“Of course, my liege,” said Virof, her hands on the floor. “Tira and I just unleashed them on the Toa.”

“That is good and excellent,” said the Ghost King, although his tone was flat. “Except that two of the Dark Horses are now dead and the third is no longer under my control. Besides that, though, excellent. Simply excellent.”

“The Dark Horses were defeated?” said Balon in surprise. “My lord, how is that possible?”

“It is possible, Balon, because one of the Toa is a Toa of Shadow,” the Ghost King said. “The Dark Horses are different from most Rahi. They are crafted from pure shadow and have no individual will of their own. As a result, the Toa of Shadow was able to absorb two of them as she would any other shadow.”

The three Lieutenants said nothing to that. Though the Ghost King’s tone was as flat as ever, Tira noticed that he gripped his armrests harder, scowled, and was sitting unnaturally erect on his throne, as though he had a board strapped to his back. In other words, the Ghost King was clearly not happy. Thankfully, the Lieutenants knew that silence was the best course of action when dealing with an angry Ghost King.

“As for the third, I am not sure what happened there,” said the Ghost King. “It seems to have broken free of my control somehow. It has no free will of its own so it should die eventually, but I still do not know where it is.”

“Is our course of action still the same, my lord?” asked Tira. “Wait until the Toa arrive?”

“More or less,” said the Ghost King. “The Toa are too clever and have too much of an advantage in the jungle. At the Field of Skulls, however, they will have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and no clever tricks to use. As a matter of fact, I myself will be there to confront the four Toa.”

All three Lieutenants did a double take.

“My . . . my lord?” said Balon. “There may be something in my audio receptors, but I swore that you just said-“

“That I want to confront the Toa face to face?” the Ghost King finished for him. “Of course.”

“Your Highness,” said Balon, in a pacifying voice, “the whole reason we’re doing this is to keep you safe. If you compromise your safety by going to fight the Toa-“

“Are you disagreeing with me, Lieutenant Balon?” said the Ghost King. “Are you trying to tell me what to do?”

Balon shook his head so hard that Tira thought it would go flying off. “Of course not, of course not, Your Highness. I am merely trying to say that it would be unwise for you to put yourself in harm’s way like you said you would.”

“I am not unwise,” the Ghost King said. “You just called me unwise. How dare you, my faithful and loyal lieutenant, call me unwise.”

The Ghost King reached out with a hand and balled it into a fist. Immediately, Balon fell to the floor, screaming and shrieking, madly waving his hands through the air like he was trying to fend off something. Both Virof and Tira backed off, avoiding his flailing arms and legs as they beat at empty air. The Ghost King said nothing and merely watched as Balon continued to scream and shriek.

This went on for several seconds before the Ghost King pulled back his hand. Balon immediately stopped screaming, but he still lay on the floor, curled in a ball, panting hard and muttering, “Fikou spiders . . . millions and millions of Fikou spiders . . .”

Tira had seen this kind of punishment before. The Ghost King used his powers to create illusions so powerful that they often left mental scarring on the victim. This was the first time she’d ever seen the Ghost King deal that punishment out to a Lieutenant, which made her realize just how serious the Ghost King was about confronting the Toa personally.

“Now that that’s settled,” said the Ghost King as he stood up, “it is time that I go and join my subjects. Let us depart.”

The Ghost King walked over Balon’s curled, shivering form. As he did so, the Ghost King said over his shoulder to Virof and Tira, “Pick Balon up and drag him out of here if you must. He is still partially sane.”

Tira and Virof watched as the Ghost King exited the chamber, phasing through the walls like a real ghost.

When they were sure the Ghost King was gone, Tira and Virof walked over to Balon and tried to calm him. It took a while, but eventually they calmed him down to the point where he was willing to listen to reason. He still seemed jumpy, however, especially when little insects crawled by.

“Can you walk?” Tira asked Balon.

Balon nodded. “I . . . I think so. The Ghost King’s punishment didn’t hurt me. It just scared the Karzahni out of me.”

Virof looked at the west wall, through which the Ghost King had gone. “He’s been even more paranoid than usual lately, hasn’t he?”

“He has,” said Tira, nodding. “That’s why he’s been even more cruel and harsh than normal. He’s afraid those Toa will kill him.”

“That’s strange,” said Balon as he stood up. “I didn’t know anyone could kill the Ghost King.”

“I didn’t know that either,” said Tira with a shrug. “And yet that seems to be exactly what he’s afraid of. What do you think, Virof? Virof?”

Virof was still looking at the exit. She seemed to be deep in concentration. Tira had seen Virof like this before. It meant Virof was about to suggest something potentially dangerous and really crazy.

“You know, the Ghost King has been bossing us around for thousands of years,” said Virof, turning back to face Tira and Balon. “He’s beaten us, tortured us, even killed a few of us. All because we disobeyed him or angered him or sometimes just for his own incomprehensible reasons.”

“What are you saying, Virof?” Balon asked. “Are you saying we should overthrow the Ghost King?”

“I am only saying that maybe the Ghost King’s reign really is at an end,” said Virof, holding up her hands. “He’s ruled our island with an iron fist for a long time. During that time, he’s treated us with cruelty, paranoia, and evil. Do you really want him as leader anymore?”

Tira bit her lower lip. What Virof said was true. Tira herself wasn’t as old as some of the other Ghosts, but she’d heard enough stories from them and the Ghost King to know just how cruel their king was. Tira hadn’t really thought about it much, however, mostly because she’d never considered it possible to overthrow the Ghost King before.

“Virof, let’s be realistic here for a moment,” said Balon. “Assuming we agree with you, what then? The rest of the Ghosts are still the Ghost King’s loyal servants. If we rebel or tell anyone else about our plans, they will surely stop us and the Ghost King will just replace us with three others.”

“Actually, discontent with the Ghost King’s rule is fairly widespread among the Ghosts,” said Virof. “Not all are as single-mindedly loyal as Steben was. Many don’t want the Ghost King as our leader anymore, but no one has had the courage to rise up and challenge him, in part because of a lack of leadership.”

“Won’t the Ghost King know, though?” said Tira, looking around the room and expecting to see the Ghost King lurking in the shadows. “He can read minds, remember?”

“I do believe the Ghost King is aware of the discontent among his minions,” said Virof. “That’s why he killed Steben, you see. He was trying to send a message that he would kill anyone, even his most loyal minions, if he deemed them a threat to his rule. It had nothing to do with truth or lies and everything to do with securing his power.”

“So rebellion is doomed, then,” said Balon, taking a step back. “There’s no way we can defeat him. He’ll just kill us.”

“On our own, I agree, we probably couldn’t overthrow him,” said Virof, nodding. “But remember that there are four Toa on this island who could help us. I propose that one of us should go and convince the Toa to aid us. The Toa are here to kill the Ghost King anyway, right? So why not team up with them?”

“I doubt they’d listen to us, though, because we’ve already tried to kill them once,” said Balon. “They’d probably just kill us and then go on their merry way to kill the Ghost King.”

“We’ll just explain to them that it was misunderstanding,” said Virof. “Toa are supposed to be reasonable beings. Surely they will at least consider our proposal.”

“Then it’s settled?” said Tira, looking from Virof to Balon and back again. “We’re going to get the Toa on our side and then overthrow the Ghost King?”

“I think we’re moving too fast,” said Balon. He spread his arms and said, “What if this fails? We’ll not only lose our status as Lieutenants, but we’ll lose our lives as well, or maybe just our sanity if the Ghost King feels forgiving. Either way, there’s no happy ending for us.”

“If the rebellion succeeds, then there is a happy ending for us,” Virof said, extending her hand toward Balon. “Are you willing to take that risk?”

Balon looked incredibly reluctant, but eventually he put his hand on hers and said, “All right. I don’t have much to live for anyway.”

“And you, Tira?” said Virof, turning to face her lover.

Tira put her hand on top of Balon’s. “Of course. I’m tired of the Ghost King’s harsh rule. Even if we die, I’d rather die with you, Virof, than live under the Ghost King’s reign any longer than I have to.”

“Then it is decided,” said Virof. “We will overthrow the Ghost King with the aid of the Toa. I will talk to as many Ghosts as I can and see how many I can get on our side. So one of you should go talk to the Toa.”

Tira held up her other hand. “I’ll do it. Tell the Ghost King I’m scouting the jungle to determine how close the Toa are to Mount Apocalypse. I’ll be back as soon as possible.”

“All right,” said Virof. “Then let’s do this.”

Review Topic.

That's pretty cool. I suspected it, but it's great to finally have confirmation.-TNTOS-

Chapter Five

Because they did not know where the Ghosts might be, Akuna and the other Toa were forced to walk quietly and carefully through the jungle. Though their weapons were drawn, they chose not to use them or their elemental powers to make the path easier to walk through, lest the sounds of their powers alert the Ghosts to their position.

Thus, they had either to push the shrubbery out of their way or walk around it. The journey as a result was far more tedious than it should have been, although it was safer.

“Why are we still going to Mount Apocalypse?” Ahova asked. “The Ghost King doesn’t seem to like us that much. Seems like a stupid idea to go there. I mean, he’s probably got an ambush set up for us right now-“

“Shut up,” Akuna hissed. “Do you want every Ghost within five bios to hear you?”

“Sorry,” Ahova said as she ducked under a branch. “I was just trying to inject some common sense into this situation. You still haven’t explained why we need to go.”

“Because if we can actually talk to the Ghost King, maybe we can convince him that we’re not out to get him,” Akuna said. “As long as he is sane, I’m sure he’ll be willing to listen to us.”

“’Sane’ doesn’t seem like a good word to describe someone who calls himself the Ghost King,” Ahova said. “Besides, who wants to bet that Kiriah’s slip up back there confirmed the Ghost King’s fears?”

“I already said I was sorry,” Kiriah snapped as she stepped over a fallen tree branch. “How many times do I need to apologize until you guys drop it?”

“Until we know for sure that your slip-up didn’t mess things up,” Akuna said, glaring at Kiriah. “For a Toa of Psionics, you sure don’t seem to think through what you say before you say it.”

“And for a Toa of Lightning, you’re as slow as a dermis turtle,” Kiriah replied. “Because . . . well, you just are.”

“Stop arguing,” said Ahova, putting her hands over her audio receptors. “You two sound like a couple of Muaka cats hissing at each other.”

Akuna and Kiriah glared at Ahova, but before either Toa could say anything, Oggak intervened, saying, “I know we’re all tired and on edge, but we’ve got to remember that we’re all on the same team here. Insults and arguments aren’t going to get us to Mount Apocalypse or save the universe.”

Akuna looked away from Oggak. The Toa of Shadow’s words were quite true, but Akuna didn’t want to hear them. Kiriah’s slip-up could mean the difference between life and death here, while Ahova was just annoying. Knowing better than to ignore Oggak’s wisdom, which also happened to be in complete accordance with Akuna’s conscience, Akuna still didn’t apologize or forgive.

I only need to work with them until we find the Ghost King, anyway, Akuna thought. I don’t need to apologize for anything.

Still, Akuna decided to keep her mouth shut. The more they talked, the more likely it was that the Ghosts would overhear them. She didn’t really want to talk to Kiriah or Ahova anyway.

So Akuna sped up until she was walking well ahead of the other three Toa. The rational part of her mind was telling her that this was dangerous, that if she wasn’t careful she might walk into a trap, but Akuna ignored it. Danger always excited her and this was dangerous. As long as she didn’t have to talk to Kiriah or Ahova, Akuna would be fine.

As if against her will, Akuna’s conscience reminded her that Nastan, her late boyfriend, had always had a hard time letting go of his anger and forgiving. That had almost always led to more harm than good, but Akuna resolutely ignored her conscience. She was going to remain angry and that was that.

Akuna glanced up at the trees as she walked. She saw no sign of the Ghosts, which meant that there probably wasn’t a trap. That boosted her confidence. Her electrical wire trick earlier must have scared them off for good. As it should, for Akuna was a powerful Toa and if they got in her way . . . well, that was their problem, not hers.

As it was, Akuna was too caught up in her own thoughts to notice Oggak shout, “Akuna, get down!” until it was too late.

Akuna heard a rushing sound and, looking to the side, saw a mass of darkness charging at her. The darkness slammed into her full force, knocking her out instantly.

-

Kiriah had known stubborn people before. Her dead friend Isarot, for instance, had been as stubborn as a mule and even less reasonable. She’d always overlooked it, though, because of Isarot’s strong work ethic and intense loyalty to his friends. Both of which Akuna seemed to lack.

She probably thinks she can save the universe all on her own, Kiriah thought as she walked around a bush. Maybe we should let her try and see where that gets her.

It was then that Oggak threw out both of her arms, halting Kiriah and Ahova’s progress.

“Hey,” said Kiriah, looking at the Toa of Shadow. “What-“

Oggak interrupted her, shouting to Akuna, “Akuna, get down!”

Startled, Kiriah looked at Akuna, who didn’t seem to have heard Oggak’s warning. An instant later, some dark, horse-shaped thing exploded out of the trees and slammed into Akuna, sending her falling to the ground. Akuna disappeared among the thick foliage on the jungle floor and did not rise again.

“Akuna!” said Oggak, running over to where Akuna had fallen, Kiriah and Ahova keeping up behind her.

Right before they reached Akuna, however, more dark shapes burst out of the trees, standing between the Toa and Akuna. Now that the monsters weren’t moving, Kiriah could tell that these creatures were not merely horse-shaped, but actually were horses. The only difference was that they seemed to be made of shadow. They also had horns sticking out of their heads, which made them more like evil unicorns than normal horses.

“What the Karzahni are those things?” said Ahova, raising her magnetic gauntlets. “They look like horses.”

“I’m not sure what they are,” said Oggak, holding her sword in front of her. “They are probably creations of the Ghost King. I know the Ghost King is supposed to have a variety of demonic creatures serving him but-“

“Oh, so you just now remember that the Ghost King has evil ponies under his command?” said Ahova, throwing an irritated glance at the Toa of Shadow. “If we die-“

The horses -- which had been pawing the ground with their hooves silently -- dashed forward. This forced Kiriah, Oggak, and Ahova to scatter, avoiding the impaling horns of the horses. Kiriah tried to slash at a horse as it went by, but her sword just passed through its body like it didn’t exist. The only thing that happened was that a large crack now ran the length of her blade, causing her to exclaim, “How the Karzahni are we supposed to hurt these things?”

“You can’t,” Oggak said. “I might be able to, though, because I can control shadow.”

“So what,” said Ahova as the horses disappeared into the trees, “are we just supposed to stand by and let you do all the work?”

“Check on Akuna to make sure she’s okay,” Oggak said. “I can sense the horses, so I’ll deal with them. Protect Akuna with whatever you’ve got.”

Kiriah really didn’t want to run to Akuna’s rescue, but as she could do nothing else, she obeyed. She and Ahova ran over to where Akuna lay. The Toa of Lightning was lying on the ground with her arms and legs spread-eagled. Her chest armor looked like it had been crushed, but other than that Akuna appeared fine.

“Let’s try waking her up,” Kiriah suggested. “Then we can help Oggak somehow.”

Ahova nodded and the two started shaking Akuna and saying her name, but Akuna didn’t even stir. Kiriah didn’t like this. How hard had the horse hit Akuna? She wasn’t dead, but on the other hand, she wasn’t conscious, either. If Akuna was in a coma . . . Kiriah didn’t know what they would do.

Kiriah quickly glanced at Oggak. Oggak stood alone in the jungle, swinging her sword as she slowly rotated, looking around the area for the horses. Having never seen Oggak in battle before, Kiriah had no idea how good a fighter the Toa of Shadow might be. She just hoped Oggak could deal with the horses.

Without warning, the horses reappeared, charging from the trees at Kiriah and Ahova. Kiriah was about to get up and fight, but then Oggak fired several shadow blasts at the horses. The blasts were direct hits, sending at least one horse crashing to the ground, while the other two turned to face Oggak.

“Get Akuna out of here,” Oggak said, waving at them. “I’ll deal with the horses.”

Having no wish to deal with the demonic beasts, Kiriah, with Ahova’s help, immediately started hauling Akuna away toward the trees. Once they were safely hidden among the trees and bushes, Kiriah and Ahova watched as the horses charged at Oggak with lightning speed, their horns aimed directly at her chest.

Oggak, for some odd reason, didn’t move. Instead, she stood there with her eyes closed, as if deep in thought. Kiriah wondered if the Toa of Shadow was suicidal when Oggak opened her eyes and raised her hands.

Just as the horses came into contact with Oggak’s hands, they stopped. The horses were still moving, but in one place. And no matter how hard they tried, the horses couldn’t budge Oggak even one inch. In fact, unless Kiriah’s eyes were deceiving her, the horses actually seemed to be getting sucked into Oggak’s hands.

It was the most bizarre thing Kiriah had ever seen. First, the horses’ horns went in; then their heads; then their front bodies and front legs; then their behinds and their back legs; and, finally, their tails. And then they were completely gone, save for the one horse which Oggak had shot down earlier. That horse got up, but it didn’t fight Oggak. Instead, it ran off and disappeared into the shadows between the trees.

Without missing a beat, Oggak raised her hands into the air and unleashed a huge blast of darkness into the trees. Kiriah figured it was probably the excess shadow energy Oggak had absorbed from the horses, but that didn’t make the sight any less amazing as it tore through the treetops noisily.

Now Oggak looked a little tired and was covered in leaves and twigs from the blast she’d unleashed, but otherwise seemed okay, sheathing her sword as she walked over to Kiriah and Ahova. The two Toa’s jaws were open as Oggak approached.

“How . . . how did you do that?” Kiriah asked.

“That’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen,” said Ahova, looking at Oggak with awe. “I second Kiri’s question.”

Oggak shrugged like it was no big deal. “The horses were made out of shadow. Being a Toa of Shadow, I simply absorbed the horses like I would any other shadow.”

“But . . .” Kiriah frowned. “Doesn’t that count as killing?”

“I don’t think so,” said Oggak, shaking her head. “Those horses didn’t seem to be actual, living creatures. They seemed more like puppets than real Rahi.”

“You know, that explains why I didn’t pick up any mental signatures from them,” said Kiriah. “Even Rahi usually have some kind of detectable mind, however simple it may be.”

Oggak looked down at Akuna and said, “How is she?”

“Sleeping like a dormant volcano,” Ahova replied. “We’ve tried waking her up, but she’s out cold.”

Oggak bent down and put one hand on Akuna’s forehead. “Let me enter her dreams with my Mask of Dreams. I might be able to communicate with her in there. But please protect both of us because I will most likely become unconscious while doing this.”

“Um, okay,” said Kiriah. “You can actually enter peoples’ dreams with your mask in addition to creating dreams?”

“Yes,” said Oggak, nodding. “It’s a useful mask for situations like this. I will try to be brief, though, because I doubt it will take long for the Ghost King to figure out that his minions failed to kill us again.”

“You can count on us,” said Ahova, giving her the thumbs up. “We’ll do our best.”

Oggak nodded and then stared at Akuna again. Kiriah waited a few moments and then waved her hand in front of Oggak’s face. Oggak did not react at all.

“So it looks like she’s out, too,” said Kiriah, looking back at Ahova. “So . . . I guess we should just, um, wait here until Oggak manages to wake up Akuna.”

“Yeah,” said Ahova, nodding. “And keep an eye out for Ghosts. Would be pretty horrible if they attacked now.”

“I agree,” said Kiriah as she leaned up against a tree. “We need to remain vigilant.”

The two Toa just stood there for a few moments, not saying anything. Kiriah felt a bit uncomfortable. It had been a while since she had been alone with Ahova. Kiriah and Ahova were friends and had known each other for years, but Kiriah’s mind drew a blank whenever she tried to remember the last time they had spoken privately together like this.

“How do you think the others are doing?” Ahova asked, breaking Kiriah’s concentration.

“You mean the Toa Tanjo?” said Kiriah, looking at the Toa of Magnetism.

Ahova nodded. “Yeah. And Horic, too, I guess. They’re probably looking for us everywhere, I’m sure, but they’re not going to have a lot of luck finding us, considering we’re all the way at the end of the universe itself.”

“Yeah,” said Kiriah. “I just worry what will happen if Teridax attacks them.”

“They can probably take care of themselves,” said Ahova, scratching the back of her head. “But I know what you mean. I wouldn’t want Nasis or any of the others to get killed just because I wasn’t there, you know? I’m not sure what I’d do then.”

“If that happens, you shouldn’t feel responsible,” said Kiriah, folding her arms and looking up into the trees. “I was with Isarot and he died anyway. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter where you are. People still die.”

“That’s true,” Ahova said with a shrug. “It’s just . . . whatever.”

“I know how you feel,” said Kiriah. “I-“

The sound of a twig snapping cut Kiriah off. She and Ahova immediately looked in the direction the sound had come from and saw a black, horse-like Rahi walking toward them slowly. Its hooves made no sound as they beat against the ground and they probably wouldn’t have noticed it if it hadn’t snapped that twig.

It was the last horse, the one that had escaped earlier.

And it was coming toward Kiriah and Ahova.

Review Topic

Reviewed The Lone and Level Sands.-TNTOS-

Official ECC Review:The first thing I'd like to point out is the font color. Normally, I'm against coloring the text of a story because, depending on the color, it can distract from the story itself or at least make it very hard to read. The light purple you use here, though, is neither distracting nor difficult to read. In fact, I actually end up ignoring it after a while, as though I'm reading plain old black text, so good job there.Next, I agree with Janus that the prologue really isn't that interesting. I understand that you wanted to let new readers know about what happen in previous epics and all, but it really was boring. I'm glad you abandoned this style after the prologue, though. Otherwise, it would have been unbearable to read.Also, I love the title. "The Lone and Level Sands" . . . something about that just rolls off the tongue well. It reminds me of the kind of titles I love because it tells you something about the story, yet also holds back information to make you want to read the story. It's just really awesome.I gotta say that I like the chapter length. The chapters aren't too long, but at the same time aren't too short, either. It feels to me like you've hit just the right length for each chapter, which can be hard to do sometimes. The chapters never felt like they dragged on or were cut short.My favorite character would probably have to be Chazok. His desire to leave a legacy behind makes him really different from a lot of characters I've read about. Also, I like the fact that he's an inventor. It again adds to his uniqueness, not to mention makes sense. If he's a loner, it makes sense that he'd have learned a thing or two about how to keep his airship and weapons in shape so he wouldn't have to rely on anyone else.The other characters, though, are less interesting. Particularly the Sharaku, who for all intents and purposes feel like Toa with a different name to me. I noticed in your previous post in this topic you said that the Sharaku have already been developed in past stories, but they still feel like they lack anything to make them stand out. I mean, they're all obviously different from each other, but they still feel like generic hero characters who rarely make mistakes and don't have any real flaws that could affect the story in any meaningful way.Rhakjasp, Bokoch, and Zeratura are slightly more interesting, particularly Rhakjasp, but I am not particularly fond of any of them. I don't dislike them, but they really don't seem that interesting, even though they're all fairly relevent to the story.I think the biggest problem so far is a lack of a real antagonist. I'm not asking for a villain, necessarily, but someone who is working against the protagonists' goals, whether for good reasons or bad. Good antagonists can do wonders for the protagonist, bringing out aspects of the protagonist's personaliy that you'd never thought were there. I imagine the Sharaku in particular would do well to face a real antagonist, especially if this antagonist is working specifically against them.The plot is pretty good. I like the idea of the heroes trying to unite the different tribes together to fight a common foe. On the other hand, though, I'm a bit confused as to whether they've already done that or if they're still trying to get the tribes to work together. Sometimes it sounds like they've already succeeded, but other times it sounds like they haven't, so I'm quite confused there.Overall, despite my criticisms of the characters and prologue, I do like this epic. The plot is tight, at least a few of the characters are interesting, and you got me hooked and waiting for the next chapter. Keep up the good work.-TNTOS-

The exact time frame of my series, by the way, is 53 million years. I got to that number because just a few million didn't seem like enough, the Tyrannosaurus rex walked the Earth about this long ago, and I just like the number 53.

I always wondered why you chose 53 million years as the time frame of your story. Glad you explained it.Myself, I don't think I could write a series that stretches over 53 million years. That's simply far, far too long for me. Most of my stories so far take place over a few days or at most a few weeks, which works for me.The idea of making a series take place over 53 million years is daunting, to say the least, but if you think you can do it, more power to you.-TNTOS-

Chapter Four

“Imbeciles and incompetent fools!”

The Ghosts actually cringed at the Ghost King’s harsh words, but otherwise did not move or say anything. Tira, Balon, and Virof were in the front as usual, although now looked like they wished they were in the back.

“There were two dozen of you versus four Toa,” the Ghost King growled, glaring at them all. “Does anyone mind explaining to me exactly how you failed, in spite of the odds being in your favor?”

At first, no one said anything. The Ghost King didn’t expect them to; after all, admitting the reasons for their failure was almost as bad as failure itself. He decided he was going to extract the information from their minds, but before he could do that, a Ghost stumbled forward.

“And what do you have to say?” the Ghost King demanded. “It had better be important or else I will-“

“It is vitally important, my lord,” the Ghost insisted. “Forgive me for my interruption, but it is important information that you absolutely need to know.”

“Then tell me what it is,” said the Ghost King, staring down at the Ghost with no enthusiasm. “I’m listening.”

“You see, my lord,” said the Ghost, “I was captured by the four Toa after they defeated us. They interrogated me and tried to get information out of me, my lord, but I outsmarted them and learned the truth. They have come to World’s End to dispose of you, my lord, and become the Ghost Queens!”

None of the Ghosts reacted to that news, while the Ghost King stroked his chin thoughtfully.

“That is what they said?” said the Ghost King, after a few moments of thinking.

“Well, that’s what one of them said, my lord,” said the Ghost conspiratorially. He smiled and said, “But the others tried to shut her up because she had revealed their true intentions.”

“Ghost Queens,” said the Ghost King thoughtfully. “What is your name, young one?”

“Steben, sir,” said the Ghost, bowing.

The Ghost King smiled and said, “Well, Steben, you are about to set an example for your fellow Ghosts.”

Steben looked up at the Ghost King, a puzzled look on his face. “An example, my lord?”

The Ghost King kept smiling. “Yes, an example. Please come up here.”

Steben almost hesitated, but then he dutifully trotted up the steps until he was in front of the Ghost King’s throne. Steben stopped and stood there, awaiting whatever orders the Ghost King chose to give him. Or, he would have, if the Ghost King had been intending to give Steben any orders at all.

Without warning, the Ghost King seized Steben’s head with his right hand. Steben didn’t even have time to cry out. Power flowed through the fingers in the Ghost King’s right hand and Steben’s head exploded, causing the Ghosts in the front row to be slightly splattered with blood.

Steben’s now-headless corpse fell to the steps and rolled down until it stopped at the feet of the three Lieutenants, who didn’t even acknowledge it. They just kept their eyes on the Ghost King, who raised his bloody hand high for all of them to see.

“Let Steben be an example to you Ghosts,” said the Ghost King. “He lied to me and told me his interpretation of events, rather than the truth. Therefore, I executed him, for all who lie to me are my enemies and not my friends.”

The Ghosts bowed low, including the Lieutenants.

“The Toa are not attempting to become the rulers of this island,” said the Ghost King. “Rather, they are seeking to crown another leader, the one who has been my sworn enemy for years. He has sent them here to eliminate me and take my throne, but I will never give up. We will fight until we have eliminated all traces of these invaders from this land. This I swear.”

The Ghosts raised their hands and said, “Hail the Ghost King of World’s End. Hail him.”

“Yes, hail me,” said the Ghost King, nodding. “But my Ghosts, you have proven yourselves incapable of handling these four Toa on your own. Therefore, I am handing this duty over to my other servants.”

At this, the Lieutenants looked up.

“Other servants?” said Tira, blinking. “Did I hear you right, my lord?”

“You did,” said the Ghost King, nodding again. “Though you Ghosts are my primary army, you are aware, I am sure, of my other servants, whom I use less often?”

Tira’s face went paler than usual. “Oh . . . of course, my lord. It’s just . . . I wanted to make sure I’d heard you right.”

“Well, Tira, you and the other Lieutenants will release my minions,” said the Ghost King. “You know where I keep them. Free them and tell them to kill the Toa.”

“Yes . . . yes, my lord,” said Tira. “I . . . I will go.”

“Except for you, Balon,” said the Ghost King, pointing at the male Lieutenant. “I want you to stay here and set up security around Mount Apocalypse. In the event that the Dark Horses fail, I want this mountain secured. Understood?”

“Yes, my liege,” said Balon, bowing his head. “Your will be done.”

“Then Tira, Virof, go unleash the Dark Horses,” said the Ghost King, tossing Virof a key. “The rest of you, go with Balon and obey whatever he commands you.”

All of the Ghosts disappeared at once.Once they were gone, the Ghost King slumped in his throne. He had been trying hard to act like he was still in control. He had sensed some dissent among the Ghosts, most likely as a result of their defeat at the hands of the Toa. So he’d killed Steben in order to reassert his dominion over them.

That may have been extreme, but extreme times called for extreme measures.

With the kind of power that my enemy now has, I cannot afford to lose control of my Ghosts, the Ghost King thought. For my sake . . . and for Jia’s as well.

The Ghost King pushed that name swiftly out of his mind. No. Jia was too difficult to think about. Every time the Ghost King thought about her, his grip on reality seemed to weaken. Of course, he’d never admit that weakness (for it was impossible to predict the Ghosts’ reaction to that), but he still thought about her and wished she was still alive.

Some day, I will avenge you, Jia, the Ghost King thought. Perhaps someday very soon.

-

Tira and Virof appeared in front of a familiar underground cavern entrance. It was partially obscured by shrubbery because no one had been by in a while, but the two Lieutenants quickly shredded the vines and bushes, allowing them to enter the cave.It was dark inside, forcing Tira to light a torch. Tira sometimes wished she had night vision, but that was an ability only the Ghost King had and he didn’t seem keen on telling them the secret to his powers.

The cavern was quiet as they walked, the sounds of their feet the only thing that broke the silence. Occasionally they rotated torch holding duty, but besides that they merely walked. Tira felt dread rising in her chest the further they walked, but with Virof holding her hand, it seemed less frightening.

As they walked, Tira asked, “So . . . what did you think of those Toa?”

“They are strong,” said Virof, holding the torch aloft. “And, more importantly, smart. The Toa of Lightning took advantage of our communication system to defeat us. If they are all that clever, then I fear for our lives.”

Tira nodded. “The Dark Horses, though . . . how long has it been since they last saw action?”

Virof thought about that for a moment. “Once, several years ago, after the Ghost King first came here, there was a revolt among the Ghosts. They didn’t want him as their leader because of his cruel and harsh punishments, so he created the Dark Horses, which herded the rebels down here and killed them all.”

“And then the Ghost King locked the Horses away down here,” said Tira, looking at the cave walls, which were stained with something that looked disturbingly like blood.

“Correct,” said Virof. She looked at Tira and said, “If you want to cuddle up to me, I’ll understand.”

Tira playfully punched Virof in the shoulder. “Come on.”

The two kept at this for the rest of the trip. Although Tira did genuinely love Virof, she partly kept this up because it kept her mind off the Dark Horses. Tira had never actually seen the Dark Horses herself before, but she had heard stories about them from the older Ghosts and she dreaded coming face to face with the beasts, even if they, too, were minions of the Ghost King. Tira decided not to stick around for long once they unleashed the beasts.

Soon -- too soon, in Tira’s opinion -- they arrived at the large gate that sealed the Dark Horses away. Tira turned her head to the right, trying to hear any sounds from the other side of the gate, but she heard nothing. Either the hearing in her right audio receptor was also going, the gate was so thick that it retained all sound, or the Dark Horses were simply being quiet. Whatever the case, Tira knew she’d be hearing something soon.

Virof gestured for Tira to stand back, which she did. Virof held up an old, rusty-looking key and inserted it into the gate’s lock. She turned it once, twice, three times, and then pulled it out. Then Virof pulled open the gate, which creaked open with a loud, spine-tingling shudder. Clearly, the hinges needed oiling, Tira thought.

Virof peered through the gateway and said, “Dark Horses of the Ghost King, awake from your slumber.”

Tira stood there watching, holding her breath, but didn’t hear anything. Had the Dark Horses ignored Virof or were they just sleeping hard?

Tira was about to suggest that Virof speak a bit louder when Virof backed up until she was standing right next to Tira. Virof slipped her hand into Tira’s and gripped it hard as she whispered, “They’re coming.”

Nervously, Tira redoubled her grip on Virof’s hand and waited for the Rahi to come out.

In the darkness, it was difficult to differentiate between things, even with the torch. So Tira didn’t notice the Dark Horses until she spotted several pairs of red eyes open in the darkness without warning. The light allowed her to see the vaguely horse-shaped outline of the beasts, causing Tira to take an involuntary step back. Virof’s firm grip on her hand reassured her somewhat, though.

“Dark Horses,” said Virof, her voice trembling slightly. “Your king desires your services again. There are four invaders on this island, traveling through the Silent Jungle, trying to kill your lord. They are four Toa. The Ghost King orders you Dark Horses to hunt down and kill these Toa. Do not spare even one Toa. Eliminate them all completely.”

Tira expected to hear at least a whinny in response, but the red eyes simply disappeared and so did the horse outlines.

“My hearing isn’t good,” said Tira, looking at Virof. “Are they gone?”

“Yes,” said Virof, nodding. “And don’t worry about your hearing. The Dark Horses are silent creatures. They never make a sound.”

Tira and Virof turned to leave, but Tira had one last question to ask.

“If the Dark Horses succeed in killing those Toa,” Tira said, “then how will we recapture them?”

Virof’s expression was blank as she said, “No idea. Only the Ghost King can control them. We’ll just have to trust His Highness will deal with them after this is all over.”

Tira didn’t feel terribly enthusiastic about that as she and Virof teleported out of the dark cave, however much she trusted the Ghost King. Something about the Dark Horses frightened her, but what it was, she could not say, nor did she feel inclined to dwell on it.

Review Topic.

A new chapter. I almost thought you had given up, but I guess I was wrong, so yay and stuff.I must say that this is probably one of the best chapters you've written in a while. Most of the jokes were funny and the action was pretty good. It has actually renewed my interest in this comedy, so good job there.I did, however, notice a few problems:

Kaza fell back against the wall, which knocked him to the ground.

The way this sentence is written makes it sound like the wall knocked Kaza to the ground. I doubt that was your intention, but to be frank I'm not sure what you may have been intending to say here, considering how it was written. A little clarification would be nice.

Rainuk: All over the galaxy, really. And now you're back. I've come to join up with you again. Oh, and sorry about the crossbow bolts.

So, why did Rainuk attack Kaza and the others if they were his friends? It wasn't dark (at least, you didn't say it was) and it does not say they accidentally surprised him. Just makes him seem paranoid for no reason. It's not even that funny, really.Besides that, though, there weren't any problems that I noticed. Aero's return was funny and it seems like you're setting up a mini arc with him or at least a two-parter. I'm definitely going to keep reading.-TNTOS-

The Legend of the Toa has been reviewed.-TNTOS-

ECC Charity Review (for more information, please read this post):First off, I must say that this story is hard to critique because you only have the prologue posted. I don't know anything about the characters or future plot twists or even the setting. All you've posted is an introduction that I assume is supposed to be setting up the rest of the story, but again I really can't say much about the story itself because there isn't really a story to talk about right now.Generally, though, I warn against starting a story off with a mythical prologue like this. Although these can sometimes work and can also sometimes add to the story, I think it would have been better if you'd started off with a more exciting opening. Right now it's not that interesting, to be honest.By "exciting," I also mean relevent to the story. Like, dropping the readers into the middle of an exciting scene, such as a fight or a dramatic confrontation, and then going back and explaining how we got there. It would be better than what your current opening, which is essentially one big infodump.An "infodump," if you don't know, is basically a scene in a story where a bunch of information is given - or "dumped" - to the reader in one go. They're generally boring because they're usually delivered in omniscient narration or in a long, boring speech by one character to another. Sometimes, infodumping is necessary, but the vast majority of the time it is not. You could probably have delivered all of the information in this prologue in a much more interesting way, perhaps in a conversation between two characters who actually care about this. (Note: This paragraph is an infodump, but I tried to make it as interesting and relevent as possible.)However, I think I recogize your inspiration for this prologue. It reads almost exactly like the prologue for The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. Were you intending to write a Bionicle version of Wind Waker or was this just one massive coincidence?That, I suppose, would have been interesting, even though I am not the biggest fan of those types of fanfics where the author "Bionicleizes" an original story. As long as the story didn't adhere strictly to the game's script, I think you could have made an interesting story in its own right.However, that's all just a guess. I don't know if you really were intending to write a Bionicle version of WW or not, so I can't really say much about the story itself.I noticed a few grammar problems, though:

Until one day, a being of absolute evil set out to conquer the kingdom and overrun it with shadows. With legions and massive armies of monsters at his command, it seemed as if he would succeed…

Unless you are referring to multiple beings here, I'd replace "shadows" with the singular "shadow," which rolls off the tongue better and is most likely what you meant, considering you mention legions in the next sentence.Secondly, "legions and massive armies" seems repetitive. Choose one or the other (personally I prefer "legions" because that's fewer words, but just go with what you like).And finally, ellipsis (this ". . .") ought to be space, not written together. Thus, instead of "..." write ". . .". It looks so much better that way.

…but just as all hope had seemed to vanish, a hero of light appeared out of nowhere to challenge the being of absolute darkness. Welding a staff of light and a mask made to banish darkness, he sealed the evil one away and brought peace back to the land!

First: See my criticism of ellipsis above. Applies at the beginning of this paragraph.Second: "Had" is out of place here, considering that this prologue is written in the past tense, not past perfect (I think I got that right). Get rid of it.The exclamation mark at the end of the paragraph seems unnecessary. You usually only use exclamation marks when a character is shouting; otherwise, it just sticks out like a sore thumb. A simple period will do instead.

The Matoran named this being Toa of Light. His tale was passed down through generations until it became a legend!

Like with the last paragraph, a period would work a lot better here than an exclamation mark. There's not any reason to put an exclamation mark here, considering the information being told isn't that exciting or, really, even that important.

Clad in armor made from the best forges, and weapons of pure might, they set out to dispel evil from the world.

You make armor in forges, not from them. That makes it sound like you meant the armor was made out of the best forges, which was probably not your original meaning.Besides that, this sentence would read just fine if you hadn't added the "and weapon of pure might" bit. The way it's currently written, it makes it sound like they are clad in weapons of pure might, which I don't think was what you intended.Here's how a better version of it might look:

Clad in armor made in the best forges and equipped with weapons of pure might, they set out to dispel evil from the world.

Anyway, besides those flaws your paragraphing is generally good and the format is easy on the eye. There aren't that many grammar or spelling problems outside of the few I noticed, really, so you're good there.Overall, it's hard to have an opinion on this story. Considering you only have the prologue -- which gives us nothing but the bare basics of the beginning of the plot -- it's hard to tell if this is going to be a good or bad story. I recommend writing more chapters and posting them so readers will have a better idea of where you intend to take this story, 'cause right now it's impossible to tell if this is a good or bad story.So my advice to you is keep on writing, which you unfortunately seemed to have stopped doing. I know it can hard to do when no one seems to be reading, but if you keep writing you'll eventually get some readers. I know you will.-TNTOS-

Chapter Three

Although it was true that Kiriah had agreed to go to World’s End, part of her wished she hadn’t. She had a lot of bad memories associated with that place and she could have lived a long, happy, fulfilling life without ever having stepped foot there again.

Of course, Kiriah knew that this World’s End wasn’t exactly the same as the one she’d been to. Some time ago, Kiriah and her deceased friend Isarot had visited a World’s End in an alternate universe. There they had been forced to fight an army of reanimated skeletal warriors that would have overwhelmed them had they not escaped in time.

Kiriah didn’t expect to have to fight reanimated skeletal warriors this time, but she still wished the Ghost King had been banished to a nicer place. Like the Konez Isles, for instance, which Kiriah heard were supposed to be quite tropical this time of year.

Kiriah didn’t tell any of this to the others as they rowed their rafts to World’s End. Mostly because she didn’t want to relive the memories by talking about them, but also because she doubted it would be important. After all, the reanimated skeletal army had been created under unusual circumstances, which Kiriah doubted would be repeated here.

This universe’s World’s End looked almost exactly the same as that other universe’s World’s End. Mount Apocalypse -- which Kiriah thought was a happy name -- stood in the center of the island, towering above the jungle that surrounded its base. Even from a distance, Mount Apocalypse looked enormous, like a foot of Mata Nui himself.

The beach they landed on was mostly empty, although scattered here and there were weird white rocks. The other Toa got off their rafts gracefully and without trouble, but Kiriah jumped off hers the wrong way and landed in the water with a splash. She immediately got back up, however, and waded quickly through the ice cold water after the others, who fortunately had not noticed her mistake.

World’s End was as quiet as she remembered. Kiriah felt a cool sea breeze on the back of her neck, but did not hear the wind blow. She didn’t hear any animals or even insects. The only sounds she heard were the muffled footsteps of the group as they walked on the sand.

“So this is World’s End,” said Akuna, looking up at the jungle. “I never thought it’d look so green.”

Ahova started, causing the other three Toa to look at her in surprise.

“What is it?” said Akuna, now holding a dagger-tipped staff in her hands. “Did you get hurt, Ahova?”

Ahova shook her head. “No. I was just checking out these white rocks, but as it turns out, they aren’t rocks at all.”

Ahova pointed at the ground and Kiriah and the others looked at where she was pointing. Kiriah immediately understood what Ahova meant when she said that those white rocks weren’t rocks.

They were bones; mostly skulls, from what Kiriah could see, but there were some limb bones as well. Some were half-buried in the sand, while others sat neatly on top of it. The sight was so nauseating that Kiriah almost felt sick.

“Bones?” said Akuna. “Where did those come from?”

Oggak bent down to examine one and said, “They’re not recent. They’ve been here for a while, which means their owners must have died some time ago.”

“What kind of sicko puts skulls on beaches like this?” said Kiriah, shaking despite herself. “Is this the Ghost King’s doing?”

“No idea,” said Oggak, shaking her head. “The Ghost King is supposed to have an army of Ghosts. Maybe they’re responsible for this.”

“But who could have been killed?” Kiriah said. “I thought World’s End is supposed to be unreachable by normal people.”

“Perhaps the Master isn’t as diligent a gatekeeper as he made himself out to be,” said Oggak, turning over a skull with her sword. “Or maybe there are real people on this island, not just spirits.”

“Whatever the case, we should definitely keep our guard up,” said Akuna. “We don’t want our skulls to end up on this beach, so everyone, draw your weapons and we’ll go through the jungle.”

Kiriah pulled out her sword, which she would have done anyway even if Akuna hadn’t said so. Oggak and Akuna already had their weapons out, while Ahova merely raised her gauntlets and said, “Magnetic gauntlets. They’re the best.”

“Well, now that we’re all equipped and ready, I suppose we just need to walk through the jungle to the mountain,” said Akuna, gesturing at the jungle. “Let’s go.”

-

Tira crouched low on top of the trees, her clawed feet gripping the branches with ease. Her eyes confirmed what the Ghost King had already told the Ghosts: Four Toa really had invaded World’s End and were entering the forest at that very moment.

Tira had watched the Toa talk briefly, but couldn’t make out most of what they were saying due to the loss of hearing in her left audio receptor. Still, Tira guessed that they had been discussing how to kill the Ghost King. They needed to be stopped.

Bending low, Tira strung a wire, which sent a vibration that would be felt in every tree. It was a part of a complex, crisscrossing wire system that acted as the main form of long-distance communication among the Ghosts, designed by the Ghost King himself. The Ghost King claimed to have been inspired by some beings known as the ‘stealers of life,’ who apparently used a natural version of this method.

The communication generally consisted of complex vibrations, but this message Tira sent was simple, for it required only one pull of the wire. No one would mistake its basic message:

The invaders have entered the jungle. Take no prisoners.

-

The jungle was exactly as Kiriah remembered it: hot and humid, with vines and tree branches sticking in their path. It was just as muddy, too, and more than once Kiriah nearly slipped. She didn’t feel so bad about it, though, because the slick mud made the others cautious as well.

Kiriah and Oggak were the only two with swords, so they were in the front cutting a path for their group. Kiriah had asked Akuna why they couldn’t just use their elemental powers to make a path, but Akuna had reminded her that such a move might be seen as an act of aggression by the Ghost King. They simply couldn’t risk alarming him if they were going to get the secret from him.

Most of Kiriah’s concerns were quickly proven pointless, though, because they seemed to be walking along an actual path, for the grass and mud looked as though they had been trampled here. There were fewer vines or branches to cut down, too.

This gave Kiriah and Oggak time to talk, although Kiriah didn’t really feel comfortable around the Toa of Shadow. Yes, Oggak had already reassured her that she was on their side, but Kiriah knew that shadow was generally not good, so she wasn’t sure what to say to Oggak, if anything at all.

“You’re a Toa of Psionics, right?” said Oggak, glancing at Kiriah as they walked.

“What? Yeah,” said Kiriah, nodding. “What about it?”

“Can you sense any other minds nearby besides our own?” Oggak asked.

Kiriah frowned and shook her head. “No. It feels like there’s this intense mental pressure covering the area, like a giant blanket. I can’t even feel your mind and you’re right next to me.”

“That’s probably because I already have mental shields,” Oggak said. “But that is an interesting observation.”

“It must be the Ghost King,” said Akuna from behind them. “This is his island, after all. Maybe he knows what your element is, Kiriah, and he’s trying to stop you from using it.”

“Could be,” said Kiriah, chopping a vine out of the way. “I don’t like it. You guys wouldn’t understand, but I feel blind. I’ve never had to rely solely on my physical senses to interact with the world before and it makes me nervous.”

“There’s no need to be nervous, Kiriah,” said Ahova, patting the Toa of Psionics on the shoulder. “I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? An ambush?”

Their conversation was interrupted by a rustling sound in the treetops above. Kiriah looked up, but saw nothing.
Then something darted through the air, stabbing her in the shoulder before she could react. The blow was enough to send her staggering backwards, yelping as she looked at her shoulder.

A long, thin arrow stuck out of Kiriah’s shoulder. The wound burned like fire and it was bleeding profusely, but Kiriah had no time to think about it, for Akuna shouted, “Watch out!” and tackled Kiriah to the ground as a dozen more arrows flew by overhead.

When Kiriah hit the ground, she accidentally landed on her shoulder with the arrow in it, causing even more pain than before. She cried out, but Akuna slapped a hand over her mouth as she pulled Kiriah under a bush with her.

“Shhh!” Akuna whispered. “We can’t let them know where we are.”

Kiriah nodded, but the pain in her shoulder was hurting so badly now that tears were streaming from her eyes.

“Looks like Oggak and Ahova have the same idea as us,” said Akuna, pointing through a break in the bushes.

Kiriah looked and saw Oggak and Ahova crouched inside a bush nearby. The arrows had ceased raining down from the treetops, but Kiriah had no doubt that the archers were still up there. They were most likely searching for the Toa or maybe waiting for them to come out. What was worse was that eventually Kiriah and Akuna would have to move because Kiriah’s shoulder was still bleeding.

And yet if we go out, we’ll be killed, Kiriah thought. We’re screwed either way.

Looking up at Akuna, Kiriah whispered, “What do we do?”

Akuna looked like she was thinking hard. “We need to get the archers out of the trees somehow. We might stand a chance if we could do that.”

“How are we supposed to do that?” Kiriah asked. “We don’t know where the archers are, exactly, so we can’t shoot at them with our elemental powers.”

Akuna looked around until she spotted something next to them. “Hey . . . is that a bit of wire extending down from that tree?”

Stifling an incoming groan of pain, Kiriah looked and saw that Akuna was right. Wrapped tightly around the tree’s base like a rope was a thin wire, the likes of which Kiriah had never before seen. Akuna grinned triumphantly at the sight of it.

“Don’t move,” Akuna whispered to Kiriah. “I’ve got an idea.”

Kiriah nodded and watched as Akuna grabbed the end of the wire, which was sticking out next to them. She noticed that the wire seemed to wind all the way up to the top of the tree, but as Kiriah saw no sign of any machines or electrical equipment, she had no idea what the wire connected to.

Akuna closed her eyes and seemed to glow briefly before going back to normal. Kiriah was about to ask Akuna what she had done when she heard several ‘thuds’ outside, as though things were falling from the treetops one after the other.

She immediately peered out of the bush and saw several dozen white-armored beings lying on the ground, looking unconscious but not dead.Kiriah looked back at Akuna in amazement. “What did you-“

“I’ll explain later,” said Akuna. “Come on. Let’s find Oggak and Ahova.”

Akuna got to her feet and helped Kiriah up. Kiriah’s shoulder still hurt badly and she only barely succeeded in ignoring it as they walked over to the unconscious beings. Oggak and Ahova had come out from their hiding place, too, although it looked more like they had been scared out of theirs, for Kiriah noticed that one of the white beings had fallen on their bush.

“Is this of your doing, Akuna?” Oggak said, pointing at the fallen beings. “Not that I’m complaining, but I figured there had to be a logical explanation for this.”

“Yes,” said Akuna, nodding. “I knocked them out with a little bit of electricity.”

“I know how you did it,” said Ahova. “I felt it in the air. You somehow found a way to send a charge of electricity through the trees and into the archers, right? I know you did. It’s the only logical explanation, but then again something else could have happened-“

“No, your theory’s correct,” said Akuna quickly. “I found this wire going up to the treetops and I thought maybe it was part of a bigger system of wires. I also thought the archers might have been in physical contact with the wires. So I just sent an electrical surge up the wire, knocking them all out.”

“How did you know that, Ahova?” Kiriah asked. “You’re a Toa of Magnetism, not a Toa of Lightning.”

“That’s the interesting thing,” said Ahova. “Electricity and magnetism are a lot more closely related than you’d think. Not that that matters, though, because Kiriah, you’ve got an arrow sticking out of your shoulder and you’re still bleeding pretty badly.”

Kiriah had been so absorbed in the conversation that she had almost forgotten about the wound. Upon remembering it, a surge of pain went through Kiriah’s body, causing her to groan as she fell to her knees, gripping her shoulder with her other hand. The arrow felt like a large stinger, which hurt like Karzahni.

“We need to remove it immediately,” Akuna said. “Ahova, can you use your magnetism to remove the arrow? It has a metal shaft.”

“Sure,” Ahova said. “Anything to help a friend.”

Then Akuna looked down at Kiriah. “Kiriah, does your Mask of Healing work?”

“Yes,” Kiriah said, before groaning loudly. “I’m in too much pain to use it, though.”

“Not a problem,” said Akuna. “You can switch masks with Oggak briefly. You know how to use the Mask of Healing, right, Oggak?”

“Yes,” said Oggak, nodding.

“All right, then,” said Akuna. “Let’s get to work.”

-

The operation lasted only five minutes, even though it felt like hours to Kiriah. The hardest and most painful part of the process was Ahova’s removal of the arrow. Ahova had to use a complex combination of different magnetic techniques to remove the arrow without causing more damage to the shoulder, but that didn’t stop it from hurting so badly that Kiriah had to groan occasionally.

When the blood-soaked arrow was removed from Kiriah’s shoulder, Kiriah gave her Mask of Healing to Oggak, who thankfully did know how to use it. Oggak immediately sealed up Kiriah’s shoulder wound and healed it, too. By the time Oggak was done, Kiriah’s shoulder felt stiff and the armor was covered with dried blood, but it no longer hurt and seemed to function just fine.

“Thanks,” said Kiriah as she and Oggak traded back masks. “I owe you one, Oggak. And I owe you one, too, Ahova.”

“Don’t mention it,” said Ahova, slapping Kiriah on the shoulder. “I’m sure you’d have done the same for me if I was in your situation.”

“You’re welcome, Kiriah,” said Oggak. “It wasn’t that hard.”

Kiriah smiled, and then looked around. “Hey, where’d Akuna go?”

The three Toa scanned the area until they spotted Akuna bending over one of the fallen archers. They walked over to where Akuna was kneeling, causing her to look up at them as they approached.

“Hey, Akuna, what’re you doing?” Kiriah asked.

“Trying to wake this guy up,” said Akuna, slapping the fallen archer in the face. “Must have electrocuted him pretty badly because he hasn’t even stirred.”

“And . . . why are you trying to wake up one of the guys who nearly kill me?” Kiriah said.

Akuna looked at Kiriah with a slightly annoyed expression. “Because he, being a Ghost, probably knows more about the Ghost King than we do. Considering how few facts we know about the Ghost King, any information we can get about him or his Ghosts could be extremely useful.”

“Ghosts?” Ahova repeated. She looked at the fallen archers and said, “There’s no way these are ghosts. Ghosts are supposed to be transparent and float and immaterial and all that stuff. These guys look plenty physical to me.”

“No, I think Akuna’s right,” said Oggak. “The Ghost King is supposed to have an army of Ghosts. These Ghosts aren’t real ghosts; it’s obviously just a title, but it does make sense. What else would you call the Ghost King’s subjects?”

“Okay,” said Ahova, who sounded unconvinced. “Then does that mean the Ghost King isn’t really a ghost king himself?”

“Possibly,” Oggak said. “The fact that his Ghosts aren’t really supernatural beings certainly lends credibility to that possibility. If so, he will probably be easier to deal with if he ever chooses to fight us himself.”

“It’s no use,” said Akuna, standing up. “This guy’s out cold. I can’t wake him up.”

“Let me try,” said Oggak as she bent down. “Knowledge is always useful, so we shouldn’t give up just yet.”

Oggak stared at the Ghost for a moment. Kiriah wondered what the Toa of Shadow was doing until the Ghost’s eyes snapped open and he screamed, but was immediately cut off by Oggak covering his mouth.

“Scream again and I won’t be so merciful next time,” Oggak said, in a threatening voice very much unlike her own. “Understand, little wisp?”

The Ghost nodded with fearful eyes. Oggak took her hand off his mouth. As she did so, the other Toa immediately surrounded the Ghost, cutting off all avenues of escape.

“How did you do that?” Kiriah whispered to Oggak as the Toa of Shadow stood back up.

Oggak tapped the side of her mask. “Mask of Dreams. Nightmares. Think about it.”

The idea sent a shudder down Kiriah’s spine, causing her to wonder if having Oggak on their side really was that much of an advantage.

“Okay, Ghost,” said Akuna to the Ghost, who still sat on the ground. “Tell us your name.”

“Never,” the Ghost said, looking defiantly up at Akuna. “Nor will I tell you invaders anything else. I know you have come only to slay the Ghost King. I would die before I let that happen to my king.”

“We’re not trying to kill him,” said Akuna. “We’ve come to reason with him, not murder him.”

“You lie,” the Ghost said, pointing at her. “You attacked me and my fellow Ghosts. Your deceptive words won’t trick me.”

“She’s telling the truth, though,” said Ahova. “Only reason we attacked you guys was because you guys attacked us. We’re willing to be friends with you guys.”

Now the Ghost was shaking, as though suddenly cold. “No. I know what you are planning. You’re going to kill the Ghost King and rule World’s End as the Ghost Queens! I would rather die before I see that happen!”

The Ghost immediately stood up, but Akuna just shoved him back to the ground.

“Get real,” said Akuna, shaking her head. “Ghost Queen? Is that even a real mythical figure?”

“I don’t know,” said Kiriah, scratching the back of her head. “Ghost Queen doesn’t sound as horrifying as Ghost King.”

“Kiriah!” said Akuna, glaring at the Toa of Psionics, but it was too late.

The Ghost looked at Kiriah with shock. “I knew it! You really do want to kill the Ghost King and take over World’s End! You are terrible liars.”

“No, Kiriah just doesn’t think before she talks,” said Akuna. “She didn’t really mean it.”

The Ghost seemed to have stopped paying attention to Akuna, however, for he was now rapidly muttering under his breath, “Invaders . . . want to kill Ghost King . . . must tell him before it’s too late . . .”

Without even a hint as to what he was about to do, the Ghost vanished into thin air. Startled, Akuna fired a lightning bolt too late. It struck the ground where the Ghost had been sitting previously, charring the grass and earth and leaving the stinking smell of ozone.

“Well,” said Ahova, looking at the others. “He got away. Not a problem, of course, as there are plenty of other Ghosts for us to . . . interrogate.”

As Ahova said that, the other Toa looked around and noticed that all of the other Ghosts had vanished as well. They left behind only the imprints of their bodies on the ground where they had fallen.

“So they’re all gone,” said Ahova. “How nice.”

“Then we need to get gone, too,” said Akuna. “They probably just left to lick their wounds. We should get moving before they come back.”

Akuna and the others quickly returned to the jungle path, but with more caution now, their eyes and audio receptors open for any signs of an ambush. Kiriah stayed in the back, hoping that she hadn’t said something that was about to get them all into big trouble.

Review Topic

ECC Charity Review Assignments:Hahli Historian - Pharmakon - Reviewed 09/18/12Mallorie Cobb - Trial of Iron - Reviewed 09/20/12TNTOS - Enigma - Reviewed 09/14/12Zarayna - Dynamics - Reviewed 09/08/12GSR - Cry of the BrokenNick Silverpen - The Rise - Reviewed 09/22/12-TNTOS-

Highly doubtful. I'm working on another story at the moment (a comedy, actually) that I don't want even to take a short break from. Not to mention I don't have any ideas for the contest, so I'm probably just going to sit this one out. Maybe next time.-TNTOS-

Chapter Two

Half an hour earlier . . .

Toa Akuna, Toa of Lightning, could not explain how, having gone to bed in her tent on dry land, she had woken up on a raft in the middle of a misty ocean.

Her first thought was that this was a dream. But when a wave splashed over her body, the ice cold water shocking her system, Akuna disregarded that idea outright.

Akuna stayed calm. She’d been in strange situations before. The best way to deal with them was to think over the situation carefully. She thought back to the past, to see if she might have heard or done something that could explain this bizarre situation.

Just a few minutes ago, Akuna had been encamped on the northern continent with her friends, Toa Oggakia, Toa Jokao, Toa Chimoy, and Igici, a former Dark Hunter. They had been there in search of the prison where their elder, Turaga Joha, had been taken captive by Makuta Teridax’s Rahkshi forces. After that, they’d planned to join up with the main rebellion and continue in the fight against Teridax’s unjust rule.

She remembered going to sleep after agreeing with the other Toa to continue their search for the prison in the morning. Oggak had volunteered to take over guard duty for the night and had talked to Akuna briefly about the possibility that Joha was already dead. The conversation hadn’t exactly been uplifting, but Akuna didn’t think that had anything to do with her current predicament.

Another mystery, Akuna thought. I hate mysteries.

Just then, Akuna heard paddling noises from within the mist. She looked around until she spotted a Toa of Psionics rowing from out of the mist toward her. The Toa of Psionics looked like a normal Toa, except for her mask, which was a rather old and rusty-looking Mask of Healing. Akuna had no idea what happened to that mask or why the Toa of Psionics was wearing something that didn’t appear to work, but Akuna decided she’d figure that out later after she knew who this Toa was.

“Oh, um, hi,” said the Toa of Psionics, when her raft reached Akuna’s. “Do you know where we are?”

Akuna shook her head. “No idea. I just woke up in this raft here a few minutes ago.”

“Me, too,” the Toa of Psionics said. “I mean, not in your raft, obviously, but in this one.”

She gestured rather unnecessarily at her own vessel. This Toa of Psionics didn’t seem very quick-witted to Akuna.

“The last thing I remember doing was going to sleep in a cave,” said the Toa of Psionics. “And then I woke up alone here and was afraid until I picked up your mental signature. I came over to see if you were a friend.”

“Okay,” said Akuna, scratching the back of her head. “What’s your name? I’m Akuna.”

“Kiriah,” the Toa of Psionics replied. “I’m the Toa guardian of the Time Stone. From Tanjo Nui.”

“Tanjo Nui,” said Akuna thoughtfully. “Isn’t that the place where the Tagiki rebellion is happening?”

“Was happening,” Kiriah said grimly. “Then Teridax smashed it.”

“Oh,” said Akuna. “Sorry.”

“It’s all right,” said Kiriah, although she didn’t sound ‘all right’ to Akuna. “Horic and I have been working with the Toa Tanjo, so we’re doing all right even though Teridax effectively kicked us off Tanjo Nui.”

“Who?” said Akuna.

“Horic,” Kiriah repeated. “He’s the new Tagiki Time Stone guardian. He’s been really helpful.”

“What happened to the old one?” Akuna asked.

Kiriah looked away. “He . . . he died.”

The old guardian’s death was obviously a sensitive subject for Kiriah, so Akuna decided not to question her about it further.

Instead, Akuna said, “So you really have no idea where we are?”

“None at all,” Kiriah replied. “I’m just as lost as you are.”

Akuna was about to say that they should try to leave the mist and find land, but was interrupted when she heard more paddling from within the mist. She and Kiriah looked in the direction that the paddling sounds were coming from. In a few seconds Toa Oggakia, Toa of Shadow and friend of Akuna, came out of the mist, her black armor contrasting sharply with the white mist.

“Oggak?” said Akuna in surprise. “How did you get here?”

“No idea,” Oggak said, shaking her head. “I was on guard duty at camp and, the next thing I knew, I was in this raft. Then I heard you two talking, so I rowed over here to see who you were.”

“Well, it’s good to see a familiar face, at least,” said Akuna. Then she pointed at Kiriah and said, “Oggak, meet Kiriah. Kiriah, meet Oggak.”

The two Toa exchanged greetings, although Kiriah seemed a little apprehensive of Oggak. It was probably because of Oggak’s quiet and sometimes cold personality, considering Kiriah didn’t yet know what Oggak’s element was. Akuna decided she would tell Kiriah about Oggak’s element later, after they figured out where they were and what they should do next.

“So,” Oggak began, but was interrupted by the sound of even more paddling from the mist.

A Toa of Magnetism rowed out of the mist on a raft identical to their rafts. The Toa of Magnetism waved cheerily at Kiriah as she approached, saying, “Hey, Kiriah, what’s up? Who are your new friends? Are you lost, too? Does anyone know where we are? Are we in the middle of the ocean or just a really big lake?”

The Toa of Magnetism fired off the questions so rapidly that Akuna barely understood them.

Kiriah, on the other hand, seemed to understand the quick-talking Toa, for she said, “Ahova, meet Akuna and Oggak. Akuna, Oggak, meet Ahova, a member of the Toa Tanjo and a friend of mine.”

The Toa of Magnetism named Ahova smiled at Akuna and Oggak. “Nice to meet you. Lightning and . . .?”

“Shadow,” Oggak replied quietly. “But don’t worry. I don’t bite.”

Kiriah and Ahova looked taken aback by Oggak’s reply, probably unsure whether she was joking or not.

Then Akuna, figuring that this conversation wasn’t going too well, said, “Well, now that we’re here, we ought to figure out how we all got here.”

“I can tell you that,” said a fifth voice, a deep, masculine voice very much unlike the others’ feminine tones.

The four Toa looked around, but didn’t see the source of the voice until the mist began swirling in front of them. When it finished, a Toa-like figure hovered just above the ocean waters, his misty feet occasionally dissipated by the waves beneath him.

The mist Toa wore a Mask of Shielding, but had no eyes behind the mask or any other facial features for that matter. He was humanoid and bright white, which made him look a bit like a ghost.

“Who are you?” Akuna said. “Are you responsible for bringing us here?”

“Why of course,” said the mist Toa. “But fear not, Toa Akuna, I am not malevolent. I have only benevolent intentions for you four.”

“Then why did you kidnap us?” said Akuna.

The Toa shrugged. “I needed all four of you together in one place. I apologize for my uncouth actions, but it is easier to talk to you if all of you are in one place like this.”

Akuna looked at the others. None of them seemed to accept the mist entity’s reasoning for kidnapping them.

“Anyway, I should introduce myself,” said the Toa. “I am the Master of Mist. You may call me ‘the Master’ for short.”

“The Master of Mist?” Akuna repeated. “I’ve never heard of you before.”

“I have,” said Oggak, gaining the attention of the other three Toa. “He’s from the legend of World’s End. Don’t you remember?”

Akuna, Ahova, and Kiriah shook their heads, although Akuna was not surprised that Oggak knew this information. Oggak had spent a better part of her life on the Order of Mata Nui’s main base, Daxia, so the Toa of Shadow knew a lot of things that most people didn’t. Even now, after Akuna had known Oggak for a few months, Oggak still sometimes surprised her with her deep knowledge of various cultures and mythologies.

“Then tell them the legend,” said the Master, folding his arms. “It is a good tale.”

“Okay,” said Oggak. She turned to the others and said, “You know the legend of the Ghost King of World’s End, right?”

Akuna and Ahova blinked, but surprisingly, Kiriah nodded.

“I know about World’s End,” said Kiriah. “It was the last island created by the Great Beings. They dumped all of their failed creations on it and stuff.”

“That’s correct, Kiriah,” said Oggak. “According to legend, World’s End is ruled by a mysterious entity known as the Ghost King, who leads a Ghost army that protects the island. The Ghost King is said to have been banished there by the Great Beings to prevent him from causing chaos throughout the whole universe, which at the time was very new.”

“And that is where I came in,” said the Master, pointing at himself. “The Great Beings, you see, needed someone to imprison the Ghost King, make it impossible for him to escape. So they created me. And I swore by an oath that I, the Master of Mist, would use my powers to make it impossible for the Ghost King to leave World’s End.”

“Is that true?” Akuna asked Oggak.

“Yes,” said Oggak, nodding. “Of course, that’s just one version of the tale. In another-“

“Other, less accurate versions aren’t important right now,” the Master said. “Now that you know who I am, it is time you know why you are here.”

“Okay, then,” said Akuna, folding her arms. “By the way, if you’ve been around for so long, how come you haven’t been helping fight Teridax?”

“To answer your question, Akuna, I can and can’t,” said the Master, shaking his head. “To fight Teridax himself, I would need to leave my post as the Ghost King’s jailer, which would allow the Ghost King to escape. There’s no guarantee that I, a simple and humble entity, could defeat a being as powerful and cunning as Makuta Teridax anyway. And if the Ghost King were to escape . . . it wouldn’t be very pleasant. So I know of another, better way to help in the fight against Teridax.”

“That’s why you summoned us here?” Ahova chimed in. “You want to help us fight Teridax? That’s awesome. Having a guy made out of mist seems kind of lame, but I’m sure you can do something cool.”

Unless Akuna’s eyes deceived her, the Master seemed to glare at Ahova for a moment, but that didn’t make sense, considering the Master didn’t have eyes to glare with.

“I, too, wish to see the downfall of Teridax,” said the Master. “Yet it is impossible for any of us to defeat him unless we know the secret he used to defeat Mata Nui in the first place. Without that knowledge, your rebellion might as well give up.”

“And you know where we can get this knowledge?” said Akuna, leaning forward slightly.

“Of course,” said the Master, nodding. “It will require you four working together to get it, but I have complete faith in your talents and ability to work as a team.”

“So where is it?” said Ahova, bouncing up and down in her raft. “In a secret cave? Guarded in a Makuta fortress? In the hands of the Dark Hunters?”

“Wrong,” said the Master. “The secret lies on the island of World’s End. Specifically, it lies in the mind of one particular being on World’s End.”

“And who is that being?” said Oggak.

“The Ghost King himself, of course,” said the Master, as though Oggak were stupid. “The Ghost King is the only being in the universe -- besides Teridax himself, obviously -- who knows the secret to defeating the Great Spirit of the universe, which is one reason he was imprisoned. I ask you four Toa to go to World’s End and request that secret from him.”

“If you’re so powerful, why don’t you go get the secret yourself?” Akuna asked. “Why do you need four Toa to do it for you?”

“Because the Ghost King and I have been enemies since the beginning of time,” the Master replied. “He hates me more than any other being in the world, which I suppose isn’t saying much, considering he doesn’t know many other beings besides me. If I were to walk into World’s End and politely ask for the secret to defeating Teridax, the Ghost King would sneer at me at best and try to murder me at worst.”

“Let me guess,” said Oggak, looking up at the Master. “Because the Ghost King doesn’t know us, you think he might be more willing to tell us the secret?”

“Exactly,” said the Master, nodding. “He has no idea if you are friends or enemies. As long as you don’t treat him unfriendly, the chances are high that he will tell you what you need to know.”

“What if something goes wrong?” said Kiriah, looking around at the others nervously. “I mean, the Ghost King is supposed to be evil, right? What if he decides to attack us?”

“Why do you think I chose you four Toa in particular?” said the Master with a laugh. “Your elements are uniquely suited for protecting you if the Ghost King decides to harm you.”

The Master pointed at each Toa in turn as he continued, “Kiriah, your psionic powers can protect you against the Ghost King’s illusionary abilities and mind tricks; Oggak, your shadow powers can counter the Ghost King’s own dark powers; Akuna, your lightning will be able to harm the Ghost King’s immaterial form; and Ahova, you are basically a wild card.”

“Wild card is a-okay with me,” said Ahova, smiling as she gave him the thumbs up.

“Now that you all know why you are here,” the Master continued, “and why I chose you four in particular, will you accept this mission?”

Akuna looked at the others and then back at the Master. “Give us ten minutes alone to decide. Then we’ll give you our answer.”

The Master bowed. “As you wish.”

The Master’s form dissipated in the mist, but even then, Akuna felt like he was still there, watching them like a ghost that did not wish to be seen itself.

Shaking off that strange feeling, Akuna huddled with the others and said, “All right, what do you guys think?”

“I think it’s amazing that Oggak is a real Toa of Shadow,” said Kiriah, looking at Oggak. “I heard rumors about a Toa of Shadow somewhere in the universe, but I always thought it was just Makuta propaganda.”

“Me, too,” said Ahova, nodding vigorously. “With so much propaganda and rumors, it’s hard to know what to believe these days, isn’t it?”

“I don’t work for Teridax, if that’s what you’re thinking,” said Oggak. “I’ve been fighting him as hard as any Toa. Nor am I evil, either.”

“That’s not what I was asking,” said Akuna, slightly annoyed. “I mean, what do y’all think about the Master’s offer?”

“I don’t know,” said Kiriah, glancing over her shoulder nervously. “On one hand, if he’s telling the truth, then we ought to go. If there’s even the slightest chance that the Ghost King holds the key to saving the universe . . .”

“On the other hand, though, this could be a trick,” said Oggak. “I for one have never heard of the Master of Mist actually existing. Always thought he was a myth. Even if he was keeping to himself, he did it a little too well, in my opinion, because the Order’s archives state that he is a fictional character.”

“Personally, I think we should go for it,” said Ahova. “I mean, how often do mist entities offer you the chance to save the universe?”

“That’s just the point, Ahova,” said Oggak with a sigh. “We don’t know if we can trust him. His appearance is too sudden and illogical. I vote no.”

Akuna listened carefully to their arguments and then said, “The Master is mysterious, but on the other hand, I don’t want to pass up this offer because, like Kiriah said, it could be true. And like Ahova said, this is a rare offer which we can’t refuse. Even if it’s a trick, I’m sure we can take care of ourselves.”

“I agree with Akuna,” said Kiriah, nodding. “This is the whole universe we’re talking about here. We can’t just reject the one chance we could use to save it based on flimsy suspicions. I admit, though, that I couldn’t breach the Master’s mind with my telepathy at all. He has really strong mental shields.”

“That’s another reason to distrust him,” said Oggak. “People who use mental shields are usually hiding something.”

“Er, Oggak?” said Akuna. “You do realize what you just said, right?”“I do,” Oggak replied. “And I still stand by it.”

Akuna shrugged. Oggak also had unusually strong mental barriers, which she had used to hide an important secret from the Toa Shika the first time Akuna had met her, due to the Toa of Shadow’s insecurity. Oggak was more honest now, which perhaps explained her distrust of those who did that.

“Then let’s vote,” said Akuna. “All in favor?”

Kiriah and Ahova said, “I.”

“As I am also in favor of it, we will accept the offer,” said Akuna, looking at Oggak. “Sorry, Oggak, but majority rules.”

Oggak looked annoyed, but said nothing as they broke their huddle and turned around.

The Master was standing in the mist, almost like he had never left. Akuna wondered just how long he had been standing there and how much of their conversation he had overheard.

“So what is your answer?” the Master said.

“We will accept this mission,” said Akuna. “We will go to World’s End, find the Ghost King, and convince him to tell us the secret to defeating Teridax.”

The Master nodded. “Excellent. That is very good. Then it is time for you to go. The Ghost King is in Mount Apocalypse, the mountain in the center of the island.”

The Master clapped his hands (which made no sound, as they were also mist) and the mist suddenly dissipated. Akuna could now see that they were much closer to shore than she had thought, for she could see an island nearby, an island which could only be World’s End.

Review Topic

Takanuva (2008), Lhikan & Kikanalo, and Vezon & Kardas. I also have Gresh (2010), Fire Lord, Raw-Jaw, Stormer 1.0, Rotor, and Stormer 2.0, plus all six Stars, on my dresser.The rest of my collection is in my closet collecting dust .-TNTOS-

You make many, many good points, BioGio. I really didn't notice those problems. It's odd because I thought I carefully ironed out all of the problems, but perhaps I should have asked someone else to look it over before I posted it.Regardless, I will need to look at future chapters and determine if any of those flaws are present. Thank you for pointing them out .I want to address a few points, however:

I wouldn't capitalize "Ghosts," just like one wouldn't capitalize "robot," "vampire," or "regional manager."

I get what you're saying, but I am trying to make a distinction between real ghosts (spiritual beings) and these Ghosts. These Ghosts are physical beings, like Toa or Matoran, and so I capitalize "Ghost" here to show the reader that these guys are only metaphorically ghosts, not real ones. I suppose I failed there, considering you were apparently confused by this.

Within two sentences, the word "Ghost(s)" is used (as both a noun and an adjective) a total of five times. What's more, you've begun sentences with subjects so often in this piece (13 out of 15 sentences begin this way) that it's starting to get grating. Also, does the Ghost King have power over sound?

I knew there was something wrong with that setence. Never could figure out what, though, but thanks for pointing that out.Also, yes, the Ghost King does have power over sound. Perhaps it wasn't clear enough.

Finally, I can't help but question whether this is truly a tragedy. The Ghost King comes across as painfully unlikable, without any redeeming attributes. Oedipus Rex was a tragedy because Oedipus was a noble, just figure with some negative personality aspects. The Ghost King seems less like Oedipus and more like Stalin.

Hmm, you bring up a good point there. My only suggestion is to wait and see how the rest of the story plays out. This is only the first chapter, after all, and I haven't revealed everything about the Ghost King just yet.

For a better illustration of this point, replace "bother" with the slightly more common "try," (or even "want") as in "didn't try/want to comfort him." This is also the case in foreign languages such as: Spanish (e.g., "yo quiero leer"), French (e.g., "je veux lire"), and German (e.g., "ich will lesen")**.

I think I get it now. Thanks for explaining it to me.Now I'll need to do some serious editing, but later after I've had more time to think about this.Edit: Made some revisions.-TNTOS-

I enjoyed your first chapter of your epic. The Ghost King (which is a really cool name, BTW) sounds like a really interesting character. I like how you showed how he led his fellow ghosts. Using fear like he does on his followers is a good way to lead them for now, but I wouldn't be surprised if they did try to overthrow him in a future chapter.I did find one grammar mistake, and it is:

The Ghost King felt fear spread through his Ghosts, but didn’t bother comfort them.

The bolded words should have 'to' between them.Anyway, this is a great start to your epic and I'm interested to see what happens next week.

Thank you for the review, The Smoke Monster .Yes, the Ghost King is probably my favorite character from this whole story. There's definitely more to him than meets the eye.@grammar error: Didn't notice that, although "didn't bother to comfort them" sounds a bit odd. You sure it's a mistake? Lots of people say things like "I didn't comfort him" or "I did comfort him" without the "to" and it still makes sense, so I'm not sure if your criticism is accurate.-TNTOS-

Hello and welcome to the review topic of my most recent short epic, The Ghost King's Tragedy, which you can read here.The epic, once I have finished posting it, will be ten chapters long. I will post one chapter a week every Wednesday, so make sure to check back every Wednesday for the next chapter in this story.Character bios:Name: The Ghost KingSpecies: UnknownGender: MalePersonality: Paranoid and fearful, to the point of insanity. Extremely distrustful of strangersWeapon: SwordPowers: The true extent of his powers are unknown, although it is known that he can control sound, read minds, and become immaterialName: AkunaSpecies: ToaGender: FemalePersonality: Practical and to the point, though can be stubborn and recklessWeapon: Dagger-tipped staffPowers: Can control lightning (is a Toa of Lightning)Mask Power: Kanohi Ruru, Mask of Night VisionFirst appearance: The Tales of Shika Nui (epic)Name: KiriahSpecies: ToaGender: FemalePersonality: Fairly absentminded and a bit slow-witted, but is loyal to her friends and sticks to her job no matter whatWeapon: Crescent bladePowers: Has psionic powers (is a Toa of Psionics)Mask Power: Mask of HealingFirst appearance: Dimension Hoppers (epic)Name: Oggakia (known as Oggak)Species: ToaGender: FemalePersonality: Intelligent and thoughtful, but can be cold towards others and doesn't always work well with othersWeapon: SwordPowers: Can control shadow (is a Toa of Shadow)Mask Power: Mask of DreamsFirst appearance: An Unlikely Alliance (epic)Name: AhovaSpecies: ToaGender: FemalePersonality: Cheerful and honest, although talks too much and sometimes fails to take the situation seriously enoughWeapon: Magnetic gauntletsPowers: Can control magnetism (is a Toa of Magnetism)Mask Power: Kanohi Kakama, Mask of SpeedFirst appearance: Dimension Hoppes: The Other TaleName: The Master of MistSpecies: N/AGender: MalePersonality: Mysterious and engimatic and short tempered with less intelligent beings. Highly intelligentWeapon: N/APowers: Can control mist, although the fullest extent of his powers is unknownMask Power: N/ACritcisms, comments, questions, etc. are all welcome .-TNTOS-

Table of Contents:

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter One

Sitting on his throne, the Ghost King of World’s End looked down on his kneeling Ghosts. Not a single Ghost spoke or moved. The years of living under the Ghost King’s strict rule had quite disciplined the Ghosts. They moved or spoke only when the Ghost King ordered them to, not before. And anyone who did speak out of turn . . . well, the Ghost King had specific punishments in store for those who did not respect his authority.

The Ghosts all wore identical pale white armor, which shone dimly in the light of the bluish torches mounted on the walls. They had long monkey-like tails wrapped around their waists, short, sharp claws, and little tri-crowns of horns on their heads.

Their appearance reminded the Ghost King of his own appearance. He, too, was pale white, but even paler than they. Like the Ghosts, he had three horns on his head, but his were longer and sharper than theirs. He was far taller and bulkier than they, too, and his eyes were green as opposed to yellow.

The Ghost King raised his sword and said, “All stand.”

The Ghosts rose as one. Each Ghost slammed their fists together in the traditional salute, which created a loud echo in the stone chamber that quickly faded at a gesture from the Ghost King.

“Now, my Ghosts,” said the Ghost King, looking over them all dispassionately. “For years, our island of World’s End has been ignored by the outside world. Our island has remained nothing more than a legend to outsiders, which is why we have been at peace for so many years.”

None of the Ghosts said anything, but the Ghost King, through his telepathy, heard thoughts such as And that has nothing to do with us from one disgruntled Ghost, a sentiment that was shared by the others. That was good. The Ghost King despised arrogance, for it often led to rebellion. By making it clear they were not responsible for this peace, the Ghosts could not become prideful, or so the Ghost King believed.

“Now my Ghosts,” the Ghost King continued, “through my supernatural intuition and link to the spirits, I have discovered that four invaders have arrived on this island. What’s more, they were sent by my mortal enemy to kill me.”

Again, the Ghosts’ discipline kept them from reacting. The Ghost King went over their minds again and heard thoughts such as Impossible! from one Ghost and What could this mean? from another, although their bodies betrayed no reactions to the news.

“Allow me to repeat that,” the Ghost King said. He held up his left hand and began counting off his fingers. “Not one, nor two, nay, not just three, but four invaders, sent here to kill me. My enemy is too cowardly to show his face to me, but it is no coincidence that these invaders appear on my island at the same time that my enemy’s power has risen to unforeseen heights.”

The Ghost King again scanned their thoughts and heard one Ghost thinking What can we do against the Ghost King's enemy?, words which described the others' feelings quite well. Nor did the Ghost King see fit to comfort them. Fear was the primary tool with which he controlled the Ghosts. He made sure they were always afraid, so they would never think of overthrowing him.

“Tira, Balon, Virof,” said the Ghost King, beckoning toward the three Ghosts standing at the front. “Come here.”

The three Ghost Lieutenants walked up to the Ghost King’s throne. They stopped at the step just below the Ghost King’s feet and kneeled.

The Ghost King looked at his Lieutenants. Tira was thin and had a long scar running down her right cheek. Balon was muscular and had a knife strapped to his chest. Virof was taller than the last two, with longer claws than the others’. Though perhaps not all three Lieutenants were equal in their loyalty to him, the Ghost King did not doubt that they would do whatever he ordered them to do.

“I give you orders to lead the Ghosts to eliminate these invaders,” the Ghost King said, tapping each Lieutenant on the shoulder with his sword as he spoke. “Do not return until you can bring me their heads in a bag. They are at Skull Beach.”

“We shall not fail you, Your Highness,” said Tira.

“Then go!” the Ghost King ordered, pointing at the door with his sword. “Leave and do whatever it takes to save your king!”

The Lieutenants nodded. A second later, all of the Ghosts had teleported out of the room. The Ghost King sat alone on his throne as memories flooded through his mind, memories of his enemy and of a time long ago, when things were not quite as grim as they were today.

My old enemy, the Ghost King thought. You really think you’ve gotten me this time. You will be surprised.

Review Topic

I don't worry about chapter length unless I feel that the chapter is too long. Sometimes my chapters are short, sometimes long. It depends entirely on what happens in that chapter and when a good stopping point comes up.-TNTOS-