Kakaru

I waited for Sumiki to make a move, then grabbed for a stick, taking two impulsively.Fourteen (14) sticks remain.

I was swept off to the beach before I had time to drop the bloody shoe I was clutching, and before I knew it we were given another challenge with sticks. Naturally this entire game would come down to a simple mathematical choice, like that game where you try to make three squares out of matchsticks by only moving two. My instinct was to light the matches and ask later, so I quickly grabbed a stick.I thought about the empress' words in hindsight. I'm pretty sure she said that I couldn't play right after a teammate, so I awkwardly put my stick back.There are still seventeen (17) sticks left.

Kakaru: I have no idea what just happened Janus: You think I do? Kakaru: *shorgs* Janus: Don't you shoggoth your shoulders at me young man. Janus: Why in my days we'd Cthulhu to our elders like you were expected to! Kakaru: *bloats into a multi-eyed mass of indescribable color and form* Kakaru: yes dad Janus: MUCH better. Janus: Now go drive the neighbours beyond insanity like a good boy. Kakaru: well fine Kakaru: but only because I want to Janus: Don't you sass me young man, or we are not going to Ry'leh for the holidays! Kakaru: WELL ME AND MY FRIENDS WERE PLANNING ON GOING BEYOND THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS THIS SUMMER ANYWAYS SO SEE IF I CARE Kakaru: *storms off into unfathomable space* Janus: YOU'D BETTER NOT BE HANGING OUT WITH THAT HERBERT WEST FELLOW AGAIN! Kakaru: GODS DAD Kakaru: HE ONLY REANIMATES CADAVERS ON THE WEEKENDS Kakaru: HE'S VERY RESPONSIBLE Janus: I DON'T CARE. THE DEAD SHOULD STAY DEAD, BECAUSE INSANITY IS LIFE'S NATURAL WAY. Kakaru: THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID TO THAT GUY IN DUNWICH YESTERDAY Janus: YOU MISUNDERSTOOD. GET ME MY NECRONOMICON AND I'LL SHOW EXACTLY WHAT THE LAWS ARE. Kakaru: THAT OLD BOOK AGAIN COME ON DAD Janus: HEY, YOU RESPECT YOUR ELDERS. THEN AGAIN I WOULDN'T EXPECT SOMEONE WHO SHOGGOTHS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT A REAL CTHULHU SHOULD BE. Kakaru: UGH CAN WE NOT HAVE THIS DISCUSSION AGAIN Kakaru: NOBODY EVEN REMEMBERS THE ELDER-RITES OF NYARLATHOTEP FROM BEYOND THE NILE TODAY

I laughed way harder than I should have at this

You know that feeling when you murder someone and then a cop passes you and you make the "I totally didn't murder that guy" face and you try to walk by casually but you trip over yourself and fall headfirst into the nearest open manhole? That's basically exactly what I didn't do when we found xccj's corpse, due to my subtlety, charisma, and great hair.I very casually pointed out that xccj was missing, then pointed out the body hidden behind some leaves that would have been impossible to find without previous knowledge of certain unsavory events, and then suggested that we should try to get a fire going. For reasons.I wiped my hands on my red shorts. Red shorts are a good thing to have in situations like this."Did I mention that I didn't kill him? I feel like I should mention how much I didn't kill him. Those ritual sacrifice runes were probably drawn by a wild animal with an inherent psychic ability to make poor representations of things in paint. Wild animals just do things like that."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOSS

more like what is wrong with you people

Oh hey guys what's happening inuh guysguys I uhokayrigging the votes my favorite pasttime

I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE MY CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT

WE AREN'T SETTLING FOR THAT LOUSY PAINT JOB IT WAS A PLACEHOLDER ALSO I LEFT SEVERAL INCREDIBLY BLATANT CLUES ABOUT WHICH ONE TO USE EVEN IF MY UNFORESEEN SUPERPOWER IS OBSCENELY CONVENIENT AT FORESHADOWING PLOT POINTS

I SAID WE ARE USING IT SON GET IN THERE AND FIX YOUR POST BEFORE TIME RUNS OUT ALSO THAT IS THE WORST WELCOME MAT EVER WHO MADE THAT

To be fair, xccj's piece was actually really cool. Like really, really cool. Like, his psychic ability not only looked like he used an actual art program, but he could make it animated and in full color, which was an impressive feat in the sand. It was also more accurate because it showed us partying harder, better, faster and stronger than the Tramps.Also my map was still glowing too brightly to see, so I'm pretty sure we couldn't actually use it even as a joke. If the Empress showed up asking what we had to show for our effort, I'd convince her to use xccj's.I quickly stamped out my map with my foot and made a second, incredibly foreboding one.

I set about to complete the Empress' challenge on the back of the mysteriously unrevealed photo I had taken out of my frame, then remembered that I didn't have anything to make the map with and also I didn't want to ruin my picture for reasons."Kakaru," Janus prodded. "Don't you have the inherent psychic ability to make vague and suspiciously paint-like representations of your immediate surroundings under great stress?"I gasped. It was entirely true! I had completely forgotten! I quickly set about trying to stress myself out by thinking about things like terrible inequality of social states in America, the censorship of my favorite videogames in other countries, and what on earth my dear toothbrush collection was doing without me. I ended up making myself very sad. Janus suggested that I try to channel my creativity instead in order to balance out the negative flow of the universe, but he only reminded me of that one art commission I took from someone four years ago and never finished.I STILL NEED TO GET THAT DONE OH MY GOD.

You summed up my thoughts basically spot-on.

TMD and xccj had wandered off, talking about constructing a waterwheel and finding powerstones despite DeeVee's orders to use the nektann to find lumber. Several hours passed as the remainder of us began digging post holes and covering the ground floor in polished river rocks.We decided on a six-sided design for Schizo's Pub, using six posts each on the inner and outer edges to stabilize the second floor. It looked a little like this from overhead, although it's not like any of us had the ability to cast our ethereal spirit into the sky like a twelve-headed bat, ever-watching from the depths of the unknown abyss. That would be silly. Unfortunately that depleted the supply of standing logs we had lying around, so the rest of the walls would have to wait on our nektann team. I sat down and began weaving welcome mats out of river reeds.

STOP IT JANUS

It's cause we are JUST THAT HOTT. OBLIGATORY SELFIE TO CELEBRATE

You know, all the entries were pretty good, but in the end I had to vote for myself because mine was just so well done.EDIT: SOMEONE HAS INFORMED ME THAT THESE ARE NOT IN FACT THE BBCC SEMIFINALS AND IN ADDITION I WAS NOT ACTUALLY ONE OF THE CHOICES

Right after our fire leapt to life, Hahli Husky dragged Janus away, presumably to eat him alive, like the human version of a praying mantis or a honey badger. If it weren't for the mildly cannibalistic look in her eye I'm sure it would have been adorable.I hardly had time to begin digging a grave/barbecue pit before the jungle spat him back out again, looking slightly disgruntled. Janus didn't look too happy either, groaning melodramatically. He waited until he was out of earshot from the Tramps, then showed us what he was cradling tightly in his arms.I gasped and maybe squealed a little bit. In addition to a little jar of something and a book about something else, he was holding my picture frame! It was no toothbrush, but at least it was a small memento to keep myself mentally anchored to reality. I pulled the picture out and held the frame up to my face.

Nearly every other member of I'd Settle For That had run into the woods to gather combustible materials, so I set about preparing a place for the fire. I began with Emzee's rock collection, which I arranged in concentric circles on the ground in preparation for a basic alchemic ritual which may or may not involve rubbing sticks together, taking our shirts off, and even using a magnified source of heat.But everyone knows the most important part is the summoning circle. Where did they all think fire came from?

Janus had just explained his perfect plan to me and DeeVee right as xccj and TMD had run off, geeking out about the practical reprogramming utilities of nektann. I assumed that they were off to round up and deactivate more drones. I hoped they wouldn't get killed or the drones would turn on us before we had time to burn the bodies.I cleared my throat and began my best Ron Perlman voice. "Time. Time never changes.""Since the dawn of human kind, when our ancestors first discovered the incremental power of rock and bone, sundials have been constructed in the name of everything: from God to justice to simple, psychotic rage."In the year 2013, after millennia of consistent 24-hour days, the impatient nature of man could sustain itself no longer. The world was plunged into an abyss of incredible day and night cycles running so fast that some barely had time to wake up before falling asleep once more."But it was not, as some had predicted, the end of the world. Instead, the apocalypse was simply the prologue to another deadly chapter of Staff Survivor. For we had succeeded in destroying the linear, consistent nature of time - but time, time never changes."Janus looked at me for a moment before responding."What?"I reached for my satchel, then remember I didn't have it. I reached into my pockets and pulled out a small flask discreetly. Yesterday hadn't been entirely unproductive, I explained. While I didn't manage to speed up the fermentation process of the local flora, I did discover that some of them tasted pretty bad and would give you the mildly upsetting feeling that bugs were crawling on you where bugs had no business crawling. I was no advocate of espionage, but.No, that was a bold-faced lie. I loved espionage. Where did I put my three-eyed night vision goggles?I lowered my voice a bit. "I'm coming with you. I want my picture frame back. And this time-" I nodded up at the sun. "-we should have enough time to pull it off."

It was well past afternoon, and the Empress still hadn't shown up with my bag of toothbrushes or that beautiful novelty picture frame of mine. A little dejected but still convinced of our team's magnificent superiority complex, I headed back down to the beach. As I glanced to my left, I noticed TMD and xccj tumble out of the jungle, both clutching half a stick and a nektann leg. The four-legged drone rolled into the sand unceremoniously.I ran up to them, calling dibs on drumsticks."Nektann don't actually have any flesh," TMD casually reminded me. I narrowed my eyes, recalling my time playing VNOG. I could have sworn everything in the Bionicle universe was made of equal parts muscle and motors. Who cares what Greg said, anyway? Apparently not Greg.I tapped on the hull and its eye flickered noncommittally. It was distinctly off and definitely not likely to come to life and kill us all in our sleep. I turned to xccj."Is it possible to reprogram this junkbot to guard our fire? Also, did you find any fresh water? We need a proper place to set up camp and start building a bar and disco revival club."

I gave Emzee a pat on the shoulder."You definitely are the best we have, buddy. Even if I didn't pick your team name, I just want you to know we appreciate you and I'm glad you're on our side."I hoped that sounded encouraging. He seemed a little disappointed that we didn't incorporate his suggestion. Maybe we could plant cacti around the distillery/brewery to make him feel better?

I waited for a moment for anyone else to speak up. The problem was, TMD and xccj were still missing, Spink was staring suicidally into the middle distance, and Emzee didn't look happy with any of the options since none of them involved cacti. Being phenomenally egocentric, I decided that it was my duty to put my interest before others'."SCHIZO KAITA CULTISTS YO."DeeVee nodded in a very handsome and intelligent way. I knew that he would make the right choice with or without my input. The Schizo Kaita Cultists had a very reverent, cult-like ring to it, like we were the undead offspring of the first great Survivor's spirit, channeling his power and charisma to seize victory in a "black-magic-is-totally-not-cheating" sort of way.I wondered when we would start making the distillery, off-hand. Were we waiting to get our luxury items back with our game-winning name? I couldn't wait to start producing nonspecific, potentially hallucinogenic beverages to preemptively celebrate our success.