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User name: BCii: aMOCalypse queen Gender: female Location: dancing in your dreams to wake you from your sleep Interests: MOCing whatever strikes my sweet fancy; beaming Love at the world every day; battling deadly demons in my sleep; learning to rule my inner kingdom; marveling at creation's wonders; getting to know the One in all; despairing, lamenting, falling; getting up, bouncing, flying; having a ball with life; seeing ever further; summoning angels; breaking the limits; rising from ashes; transcending; becoming; believing; enduring; shining; hoping; being.
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The phone company disconnected my phone, so for now, Internet is my only com-link to the world. The trouble is that my computer seems to be on its deathbed, due to some nasty, deep-level virus that commandeers over 90% of the processor, masquerading as "System idle process." Normal background processes are all shunted aside and denied memory space in favour of this metastatic monstrosity. Even now, Firefox is running entirely without images. That includes all toolbar and tab icons, down to the little "X" button to close a tab. Ayuh, she ain't long for this world, my dear. All in all, signs are pointing ever more strongly towards what I really need to do. I suspect -- no, I know -- that the moment I get on track with doing those things, life will start miraculously turning itself around to the positive. As my life situation has gotten ever more precarious, so also I am finding out, on a fundamental level, what makes me tick, what my weaknesses and failings really are -- and how to gain those small, but oh so important victories, day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. "Why do we fall, master Bruce? "So we can learn to pick ourselves up again." I'm learning. In spite of myself, my recalcitrant reptile brain, and all the destructive habits I've gotten into, I am slowly learning. Pray for me.
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Fireworks at Twilight Someone said I've been on a roll lately, as far as MOCs go. Well, there's a reason for that, although what that reason was, I didn't know until very recently. It's called, "Getting it out of your system." "Going out with a bang." "One last fling." The convergence of my BBCC55 entry with my 1300th post special was no accident, nor is it an accident that I am meeting a LEGO Ambassador in person this coming Friday. It's also no accident that, at the same time, I am virtually penniless, unable to buy even basic essentials until I liquidate some numismatic gold I've kept for emergencies. It's no accident that my intuition has been so strong lately, pushing me to do exactly what I've been doing regardless of how insane it might seem to an outside observer. I know I'm on the right path -- at least partly. For years, off and on, I've toyed with the idea of quitting my LEGO hobby, mostly due to outside pressure from loved ones who were unable to fully understand or accept it. That idea never took root, however, because the emotional draw, the deep-seated need to build and create and share, remained as strong as ever. But the flame of my passion for the brick, steady as it has been from early childhood, has now, quite without warning, begun to spend itself out. I cannot see myself continuing the same way for years into the future, or even one year. The reason why is very simple, yet very, very profound. The Games We Play Life is learning. That's all it is. Anything that's not is a distraction. Some people, in fact a great many people, are all caught up in distractions and drama that never really go anywhere. They don't learn, and so they repeat the same things over and over again. Eventually, of course, they do learn, and when they do, the old pattern falls away. It has served its purpose and is no longer needed in the person's life. The person is then ready to take on new experiences and new lessons. I think one of the most universal lessons that we as humans can learn is that so many of the things of this life and of this world upon which we so readily build our existence and our very identity... are actually not real. That's what it really means to become disillusioned. To see past the falsehood which you took for reality, the counterfeit that you took for the real treasure itself. I'm going to be uncharacteristically blunt here and talk about this specific, particular game, in which I have been caught up and in which many of you are likewise caught up, each in your own way, and I say that with no judgment whatsoever. It's a game based on a building toy that, at its best, produces works of art that delight, inspire, and challenge us as MOCists and as human beings. Like so many games, it has a powerful social dimension that is often highly rewarding, and also self-reinforcing. There is no lack of human drama among MOCists, and I am certainly no exception. I've seen the ego free-for-all, and I've been in the thick of it myself. That said, and I'm sure I speak for many of you when I say this, I don't see our little world as a competitive one, primarily, where it's all about one-upping the other guy and being the first and best. Rather, it's primarily about people having fun, making friends, and learning from each other. So there's nothing wrong with the game in itself. That's got to be made clear. And I must admit that it's only in the past weeks that I've really, truly seen that and felt it in my heart, and consequently been able to play without the nagging guilt that my social environment has programmed into me all these years. But it's still only a game. We make it up and pretend that it's real. That the "things" of the game are actually important apart from the context of the game itself. We can so immerse ourselves in this fascinating world of little plastic bricks that we can even forget our very selves, our true selves. When that happens, the game becomes... a distraction indeed. What Is Real? Recently, the tagline of my blog asked the question, "Do you know who you are?" I'm of the opinion that most people actually don't, on a fundamental level, but that such is the condition of humanity in this dark time anyway. I am optimistic, however, that the opportunities being offered right around this time (often through situations of great apparent negativity) have the potential to turn that around. Difficult times call for much soul-searching. Introspection is the key to self-knowledge, and self-knowledge is the beginning of wisdom. I have earnestly sought both knowledge and wisdom for some time now, and am happy to report that there has been considerable progress. I am today much surer of who I am than I was just a short year ago, and the work continues steadily. Much remains yet to be done, but do it I shall, one day at a time, even through the setbacks and relapses and times of trial that are sure to lie ahead as there are so many behind. The work progresses in distinct phases, of which the current one appears rather dire yet seems "guided" or "pushed" in the most exhilarating and miraculous way. It is like surfing on a mighty wave. I don't know where this wave is ultimately taking me, but it seems that I often know just what to do, when I need to do it. I am learning to trust my intuition, because that is something real, part of something much more real to me than this virtual hologram we call reality, which is really just games within games within games within one big game. I can't explain it any better than that. My gut tells me it's time to tie up the loose ends and move on. In theory, I could go on and on with the LEGO fixation/hobby/game, and there'd never be an ending point except the one I made for myself, the point where I made the conscious decision to cut loose, because that's the nature of LEGO: it's as vast as the imagination itself. But it just so happens that that point has just announced its arrival in my near future. I know I'd be a fool to fight it. What Now? Well, I've got a lot of unfinished MOCs lying around. A few I do intend to finish, like the Red Star, Classic Tahu Titan, and another abstract wheel MOC. As for the rest, I really don't know. There's the BIONICLE rock concert diorama, Click the scarabax, the pre-Cataclysm Boxor, and a bunch more. It all depends on how things play out. I'm going to auction off my collection in sections by colour and type, keeping and acquiring only what I need to finish the MOCs I'm still taking all the way to completion. My BBCC55 Tufi, by the way, is scheduled for total demolition very soon. I'll keep the Pokéchair around for a little bit, seeing as it's so irresistibly cute, but that'll be back to loose parts before long as well. With respect to BZPower, you can probably expect to see considerably less of me over time. I might ultimately keep this blog alive, I might not. I do have the other one, after all, and I want to concentrate on that more. This isn't goodbye, certainly not yet. I hope I haven't just made a pariah of myself with this entry, LOL. Y'all still love me, right? 'Course ya do. Let the inexorable tide of time carry us all to wherever it is we're going, and oh god i love you all so much i cant stand it now i made myself cry. (Well, OK, I didn't cry. ) Love and lingonberries. Yours in truth, - BCii
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I've been trying to get some sleep before Takuta-Nui interviews me from nine time zones away for the latest round of BZPower Member Interviews, but alas! Sleep is not forthcoming. So I figured I might as well use the time to post this. ------------- Wednesday evening. BCii makes preparations in a mood of quiet contemplation. Watches the sun set. Listens to his thoughts and the surprising new things they are telling him. Eats a simple but hearty vegetarian meal. Takes a shower, shaves. Does a light workout. Makes himself some green tea, spicy and refreshing. Lights a candle in a paper lantern and sets it by the bed. Turns out all the lights except the little stovetop lamp in the kitchen. It's just enough light to see what he's doing. He sits on the bed cross-legged. Spreads out the small white cloth that was lying there and fingers the small green drawstring bag. Feels a strong sense of déjà vu, as though he has lived this moment hundreds of times in different iterations of his life. Closes his eyes and requests the help of (what might be called) angels, benevolent spirits, that they might guide his hands and his thoughts in this moment. Stills his mind, focuses on Beingness. Forms a question: "What is the wisdom of this moment in my life?" He draws out from the bag small, wooden tablets, one at a time, and lays them in a row on the cloth, until he feels that there are enough. He turns on the reading lamp over the bed. There are five runes. The first two and the last are face down. They mean nothing. The third and fourth runes, facing up, carry the message of this cast. "Sowilo: (S: The sun.) Success, goals achieved, honor. The life-force, health. A time when power will be available to you for positive changes in your life, victory, health, and success. Contact between the higher self and the unconscious. Wholeness, power, elemental force, sword of flame, cleansing fire." "Ingwaz: (NG: Ing, the earth god.) Male fertility, gestation, internal growth. Common virtues, common sense, simple strengths, family love, caring, human warmth, the home. Rest stage, a time of relief, of no anxiety. A time when all loose strings are tied and you are free to move in a new direction. Listen to yourself." How very, very pertinent, he thinks. He is glad he followed his intuition to consult the runes. He doesn't do it often, but every time he does, they seem to give just the right answers.
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It's probably obvious from my words on this site in the past (and if it isn't, I'm saying it now) that I am a man on a quest. It is a quest for inner power, wisdom, and love, for ever-expanding awareness of Truth. Far from being straightforward and easy, the path I am committed to following is extraordinarily difficult. It offers many opportunities to lose one's way, and it is trolled by powerful and clever hostile forces that do everything they can to thwart one's progress. To describe in any great detail what those forces are and how they operate is certainly beyond the scope of this blog, but this entry will attempt to shed light on one essential element of the questor's defenses against them. This element is not only defensive, it also acts positively to aid and speed one's progress. You don't need to consider yourself as being on this same type of path to benefit from applying this element in your life. In my opinion, anyone can benefit from this practice. The label "observer mode" is a tricky one. When I first encountered it, I was a little confused. It seemed to imply withdrawal, even passivity. In the context of trying to see what's really going on in the world, misunderstanding it carries the risk of leading to, among other things, the obsessive gathering of trivial information -- news -- in the belief that one is arming oneself with knowledge, thereby becoming ever more awake. Big mistake. Obsession simply equals distraction and stagnation. Too much information can be as bad as too little. So what is observer mode, and how does it help? Let me do my best to explain. The key to being in observer mode is detachment. That means standing outside of something in order to see it objectively, as opposed to identifying with it and therefore being more or less blind to the truth of it. What I really mean by "observer mode" is standing outside of yourself. Observing yourself. Example: your emotions. If you identify with your emotions, they will colour the totality of your experience. You will be immersed within them, without understanding them. Therefore, because you do not see beyond them, you will inevitably be ruled by them. But if you step outside the emotion, say to yourself, "I am feeling angry" or "I am feeling defeated" or "I am feeling cruelly satisfied" -- then that recognition grants you freedom, a greater range of choice. You are no longer limited to simple reaction; you can choose conscious action. The ability to question your emotions ("Why do I feel this way? Is my emotional response appropriate to the situation?") means that you can, through awareness, if you so choose, transform that emotion into a more positive one, or release it in a harmless way. (For more on emotional management, read this previous blog entry.) I've noticed I have a very strong tendency to fall into the same old patterns of behaviour, spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere. In its most extreme form, this corresponds to an inner state that I call "autopilot." That's when you think you're awake, but you're really in a dream-like, hypnotic state, where you forget yourself and even lose track of time. I've lost whole days to this, believe it or not! In a more general sense, "autopilot" means being in a reactive mode. Stimulus-response, stimulus-response, according to your conditioning. It precludes creativity and choice, because creativity and choice are active, not reactive -- they start a new causal chain instead of just adding links to an existing chain. If you want to achieve great things in life, you've got to get out of autopilot. Stop being a robot and start living for real. And that starts with observer mode, which alerts you to the fact that you are not awake and aware, and automatically makes you more awake and aware. Observer mode gets you out of the false self-identification with body and ego. Instead of thinking, "I'm freezing, brrrr!" you now think, "My body feels cold." Instead of you being insulted or defeated, it's now only your ego that's wounded. So you transcend these lower aspects of yourself and get closer to the true "I." Ultimately, it's possible to achieve a total independence between your inner and outer state, being in full control of yourself rather than being under the tyranny of a deterministic feedback loop between the two realms. Granted, that's a very lofty goal, and requires a lot of work. But I believe it can be done, starting with the simple practice of being in observer mode. Is this helpful? Did I miss something? Did I lose you? What's your take on this? Let me know in the comments!
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Lately I seem to have been seeing eagles / eagle-like birds of prey a lot, in both my waking and dreaming life. The same goes for the peacock / phoenix. I feel this may have meaning. My dream book says the eagle represents freedom of one's inner feelings and the flight of lofty thoughts, whereas the peacock or phoenix is a sign of good fortune in all areas of life. By the way, check out the two birds in my avatar. This is pure (probably meaningless and far-fetched) coincidence.
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OK, I don't know what you would call it. Not quite full-blown "mystical," and definitely not anything I would consider "paranormal." A kind of "enhanced normality," perhaps? First, as evidenced by the previous entry, I stayed up past midnight posting my latest LEGO artwork. Then, I continued to deprive myself of much-needed sleep, alternating between MOCing, surfing the Net, and 'shopping a photo of said artwork until my eyes painfully refused to cooperate. When I finally went to bed around 2 AM, my mind was a swirl of concepts and images flowing into each other with such rapidity and complexity and interconnectedness. . . It was like my brain had gotten an actual, physical upgrade. I've had "flow states" like this before, but this one made all the earlier ones seem tame by comparison. I was on fire! I was composing stories, inventing MOCs, expanding the BIONICLE universe, uncovering the layers of meaning in everything, making connection after connection after connection between disparate elements of all that and the real universe as they related to my personal experience of life as consciousness -- wild stuff. All going on in such a (seemingly) chaotic, massively networked and parallel way with very little conventional, linear logic to slow it down. I felt like I was using brain bandwidth that I never even realized I had -- almost like I was tapping into something bigger than my own (apparently) limited mind. And the whole time, my emotional state was one of pure bliss, like floating in my own infinite, personal bubble, perfectly safe from all harm. My mind was aware of mundane realities -- I got up several times during the night to attend to various practical concerns that occurred to my mind -- but none of them could detract from what was going on in the higher realms. I did not wake up to my alarm; I anticipated it intuitively in my already waking state. I had not slept a single minute all night. Now, get this: I was not tired at all. Far from it. In fact, my flow state continued, only now it was physical. I found I could accomplish things in literally half the time they would normally take me to do. I was amazed at how slowly the clock was moving. When I arrived at work (after having done a bunch of extra stuff at home with my extra time), I felt cheerful and energetic. I felt like I was seeing each member of the family (in whose home I work) for the first time in ages, in a reunion full of tenderness, joy, and appreciation. This was especially so with my patient. I felt like I was picking up impressionistic nuances of his mental and emotional state every second. Inevitably, the experience came to an end. I unexpectedly had to take "Jessica" and her guinea pig (in mortal danger from a bad tooth that kept it from being able to eat) to the veterinary clinic in my car. The vet was too busy to take us, and we had to make an appointment with a different vet for tomorrow. Then my car ran out of gas. The reason? A catastrophic leak in the fuel system. No go. Also, I had no money for the bus. Jessica's mom had to leave work, take a bus to meet us, and pay our fare for the trip home. Now I think my car is probably history -- and good riddance to that junker! -- but I had been hoping for it to hold out until warmer weather in the spring. So that was my negative catalyst / karma for the day. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?
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My cousin and her husband-to-be, Dimitri, are borrowing my car for their honeymoon. In preparation (my car is an absolute beater, BTW: a 1988 Renault Chamade), I wandered into the local Tokmanni (just found out it was there - I'm still getting to know the neighbourhood since moving in on the 1st) and bought some essential motoring supplies and a pair of fuzzy red puppy-dog seat covers for my car. As I took the seat covers off the rack in the store, I had a twinge of conscience: HELLO, IMPULSE BUY MUCH? CAN YOU REALLY AFFORD THAT? The tag said something like 27 euros. Ai ai ai. But I resolutely ignored my better judgement and marched to the counter to pay. (This happens more often than I'd like to admit, although my spending control has much improved over time.) The cashier scanned the seat covers last, and I caught a glimpse of the scanned price on the display: 2.00. That's two euros, not twenty-seven. That raised a flag; I knew it was the wrong price. Especially when she told me my total -- way lower than the estimate in my head for how much my purchases should have added up to. Still, I didn't bat an eye. After paying the erroneous sum, I walked out of the store with the goods as if nothing had gone wrong. Then, I purposely didn't look at my receipt for the black-on-white evidence until I was safely home. My questions to you: Does what I did count as stealing, or was it just a lucky error in my favour, to be accepted as a gift of fate? Should I go back tomorrow, show them the receipt, and tell them what happened, or would that be going too far? How would you act in this situation? <o> <o> P.S. I already have my own answers. This is just to see what you guys and gals think.
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For some time now, I've been a man in search of his Life Purpose. Well, if you want to look at it another way, I've been at it all my life. A person's Life Purpose isn't always something they're conscious of -- sadly, some people appear to be completely lost when it comes to defining theirs. But everyone has one, there's no question about it to my mind. Life Purpose is a many-faceted thing. The most basic, universal element of it, I find, is just to experience life! This is very simple, yet many people are all too preoccupied with getting through the day, making ends meet, chasing aspirations that always seem to elude them, living in the past or the future instead of in the present -- I would encourage anyone caught up in this kind of treadmill life pattern to just take a moment each day to detach from all these things. What's really important? Isn't it the fact that you are here, right now? You will make mistakes. You will also enjoy successes. It's all part of the deal. The key is to take everything as an experience, a richness -- even the bad hair days! I realize that may sound really stupid, but listen: how could you learn to appreciate a good day without having the experience of a bad one to compare it to? Your negative experiences can really teach you a lot if you're willing to learn. Learning is another big element of Life Purpose. My philosophy is to learn something new every day. Because every day is different, isn't it? And, let's face it: if you're not learning, you're standing still. And in this life, that's about equal to not living at all! Why be here if you're not moving forward? The world will pass you by and you'll lose relevance to it, except perhaps as an example to others of what happens to those who stop learning. This isn't to judge those who "already know everything they need to know." It's just a fact. So we're here to experience, and to learn. To what end, you ask? Well, that's an excellent question. I'm sure everyone you meet will offer their own, personally valid answers. This gets away from the obvious and is really quite subjective. It gets into the question of what happens when we die, for example, and we know there's not a whole lot of established fact in that realm! Since spirituality is such a personal matter, I won't attempt any foray in that direction here at this time. But what I will say is one thing I strongly believe: that the ultimate Purpose, Reason, and Cause -- the Answer -- is love. And that's universal. If we can truly comprehend that, then we're already nine-tenths of the way to wherever we need to be. Love yourself. Love your neighbour. Love God (or, if you're an atheist, love existence). To me, those three things are one and the same. I speak lofty words, yet I readily confess to lack greatly as a doer of what I speak. Not only that, but I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up! But I'm not stressing it. The answers will come quite naturally, in due time. I'm living in the moment. I do my best at work, even though my job isn't anything I ever dreamed of. I go for a run every day and eat as healthy as I know how. I try to practise meditation regularly. I'm making an effort to get up in the morning and go to bed at night instead staying up at night and going to bed in the morning ( ). I try to keep in contact with friends and neighbours, with some success. I read a lot, constantly trying to figure the world out and grow both my knowledge and my wisdom. I have a number of "shoulds" in my life, though, that are really not getting done. I'm sure you can all relate! We are not perfect, after all. So this is what's been on my mind today. Thought I'd share with you guys. Also, do you notice the new Siilivaara content block? Made it today, as well as the banner for Lillipütty Pohatu Nuva: Hey, aren't you glad I wrote this entry? Tell me what you thought about it! Love, -BC
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Even years ago, in my teens, I remember how I used to long for something that was missing from my life. Inner peace, serenity, a connexion to the center of my being. Now, looking back, I wonder how I went so long without actually doing something about it. In more recent times, I've known about the benefits of meditation and I've sought information on various techniques. I've tried out a couple of recordings that were supposed to help achieve the Alpha state of mind, where "conscious" thought quietens and allows the "subconscious" to flow freely without falling asleep. They haven't worked for me -- at least, not yet. But -- Oh God! -- I had the most amazing experience yesterday morning. I've read that it's best to meditate first thing in the morning, then at midday, and again before bed. Lately my sleep rhythm has been totally out of whack, what with my 16:00-21:00 work shift and an insidious habit of late-night web surfing. What got me up bright and early yesterday was that I had a train to catch. So I get up, I'm feeling a little woozy from lack of sleep, but I've had some soothing, supportive dreams, so I feel light and energetic at the same time. I take a hot shower, which wakes me up nicely. Then I sit down on my bed with a pillow in between my back and the wall, the soles of my feet pressed together, and my hands resting on my knees. I close my eyes and allow my mind's eye to show me whatever images come up. I'm not analyzing what I see, just registering it as it comes. The images come at a very quick rate, about 3-10 per second. Then, as I get into the flow of the image-associative subconscious, I start concentrating on my breathing. In... out... in... out. Breathing in light and coherence, breathing out negativity and conflict. Breathing in higher consciousness, breathing out lower consciousness. Breathing in connectedness, breathing out separateness. In... out... in... out.... I feel my energy centers merging into one. All of a sudden, I get a very exciting feeling in my gut, a foreknowledge: "This is it! Something's happening!" And up comes this wall, or pillar, of light. It dances like fire in front of me. Immediately, I know that this is the manifestation of a higher part of my being. I feel the love as it greets me with incredible warmth and light. I speak to the light. I tell it, meaning I tell myself, the things that I want to happen, as if they were already happening. The connection wavers and breaks. I am in my regular, conscious ego self again. But I feel ecstatic! Whoooo! And that's it. I've tried a couple of times since then to repeat the process, without achieving quite the same results. I think my diet may have something to do with the difficulty of breaking through. Maybe the first time, outside conditions were more favourable. I'm glad I was able to do it so easily the first time -- now I know what I'm going for, and it really motivates me to keep trying, keep practising. So that's my little spiel on meditation. I'll keep you posted if I get more breakthroughs. Ciao! -BC
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I've been reading an awesome book by psychotherapist and theologian Tommy Hellsten called Saat sen mistä luovut (Engl. You Get What You Give Up). It has totally renewed my outlook on life. Reading this book has been a REVELATION. Literally. I'm still digesting the contents myself, so I'm not really equipped to provide a summary that would do it justice. But perhaps I'll pick out a few pearls of wisdom straight from the book to post here. Yes, that is what I will do. ASAP. Tomorrow. -BC
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I took the liberty of renaming my blog. Because I could.Because Finnish is such a cool language.Because real hedgehogs don't live on mountains.Because, if I want to scale the mountain, I have to get up the hill first.That's right. Call me low on ambition, but right now I have trouble thinking of life in terms of a mountain. It's too daunting an image. I've got to start small. I've taken the first small steps towards conquering my inner ills. I visited a psychiatric nurse last Friday and will repeat the visit next Thursday, February 1st. Then I have my first appointment with a psychiatrist on the following Friday, February 9th. So that's that side of things. Also, my girlfriend has been an invaluable source of support and advice. Nothing is as important as having a bosom friend to talk to. I've switched cell phone operators to get up to 1500 minutes on 8,90 € a month, so now we can talk without looking at the clock. I don't know what I would do without my kulta rakas, dear beloved. Life isn't always easy, but friends are there to help. For that, I'm forever grateful. -BC
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E and I had a long talk last night. The upshot of it is, I need help. I need to learn how to love myself. E convinced me that this matter can't wait for an easier time. I must deal with it now because as long as I suffer from the poor self-esteem and poor self-confidence that I've always lived with, she suffers for me too. Today, in actually just a few minutes, I am going to give my school counsellor a call. She will be able to point me in the right direction. Let the healing begin. Oh, and my room is now slightly less of a disaster. Thanks, E! -BC
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Nothing is too big, or too small, for this blog. You can count on that, folks. Oddly, though, I found myself debating whether this item was, in fact, too big. It's one of those things you either want to shout out to the world or keep selfishly inside. Considering that I've already, in effect, shouted it out to the world via my sig, it would be sheer coyness not to expand on the matter in this space. You know it: BCii has found love. I met her in mid-October. She is everything I could have hoped for and I can't stand to be away from her. She restoreth my soul; my cup runneth over. Not surprisingly, I'm also a tad shaken by the whole thing. I had just gotten myself comfortable with the prospect of a bachelor life; I'd even sworn never to pursue another girl. I was happy with the way things were. And then one day I got a phone call from a person I didn't know. Next thing I knew, I was exchanging e-mails with the person's roomie. We'd only met twice before she had a four-week internship in a distant city, and it got to be so that we were writing up to three e-mails a day. She returned just last weekend, and we've spent every possible moment together since. And how does this relate to the Me Project? This is all over the Me Project, people. I am learning so much about myself, learning so many new things, setting new goals... seeing everything in a new light. It's true: the best mirror is another person, the right person. Hmm, this may even merit a new category if I post more on the subject: The We Project! So long for now, peeps. I's a-flyin'! -BC
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BZPower Blackout 2006 is over. It wasn't the strictest of blackouts, but it achieved what I had intended. For 18 days, I refrained from posting any and all messages on this site. Despite my self-imposed silence, I did keep up with the news and occasionally read a blog entry or favourite topic without signing in. The total time I spent here, however, was minimal. What did I do with the extra time? Time for another BClist! kept up with studying and schoolworkenriched my social life significantlyimproved my legal identity and financial situationmade surprising headway on several MOCsapproached life independently of bloggingAll this just by setting a few simple limitations! It really wasn't hard at all. I'm really glad that I planned this and followed through with it. So now you may be asking (maybe even two of you out there are asking) what this means for the future of Hedgehog Mountain. The answer: nothing. I don't know what form this blog may take or how much time I may invest in it down the road. What I do know is that those things are subject to my free choice, day to day. I own this blog. And that feels right. -BC
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A year ago today, I was a fresh reserve officer-in-training at the reserve officer school in Hamina, a harbour town with a rich military tradition and a climate from Hades. I spent my 21st birthday on the garrison. Fuuuuun. Back in Canada two years ago, on my 20th birthday, I was supposed to go out for dinner with my cousin and two of my fave bros. I was too depressed to make it and most likely cried myself to sleep. Tomorrow, I turn 22. Hopes are high as I plan to spend the weekend actually celebrating the occasion with relatives and friends! Things are looking up, people. -BC
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...At, least, that's what it feels like. I'm talking about the fierce glow of self-assurance and determination that vitalized me four days ago. Then, I strode like a man on a mission, unstoppable, clear of eye. Today, I am a husk, shuffling along, confused, afraid. I need help. Come this weekend, I will seek it out and be healed. The Project must go on. -BC
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Now for the What. The Me Project is about learning to say "I"taking responsibility for myselfknowing myselfbeing good to myselfmaking every hour of every day count.My friend <daydreamer> was kind enough to send me a very relevant symbolic image: I do so love cute, funny animal photos. -BC
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I'm sick and tired of accomplishing nothingbeing self-defeatingbeing spiritually restlessbeing lonely for no reasonbeing subject to every little external force in my lifefeeling like half a mannot having a clear directionnot being the person I would like to be.I have decided to start being proactive. I want to change. This isn't the first time I've attempted to grow as a person. The first try went bust after three months and I'm not entirely sure how to prevent the same thing happening again. I recognize one mistake I made then is I didn't listen to the people I should have listened to. I went my own way and got lost in the woods, so to speak. And when I got found, I was so afraid of getting lost again that I essentially gave up on the whole thing. This time I have what I need and I'm going to use it. I will watch my step very carefully. To reflect this endeavour, my blog is no longer the Hog Hole. It is now Hedgehog Mountain. This promises to be an adventure. -BC
