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Toa Santa and the Web of Not-Shadows (Christmas 2014 Special)

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Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, or whatever your celebration of choice, fellow Bionicle fans! As we eagerly await 2015 and our favorite franchise’s return, it’s time for yet another installment of the Lewa# Studios Holiday Series. This time, starring everyone’s favorite Visorak and a certain Bohrok-Kal!


Note: The previous Christmas special, written back in 2011, can be found here. As usual, a link to the previous comedies in this year’s Holiday Series can be found at the end of this post. Enjoy!


Toa Santa and the Web of Not-Shadows

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Part 3 of the Lewa# Studios Holiday Series 2014-2015


It was a very little-known fact among the denizens of the MU that they all lived inside Mata Nui’s robotic body. It was an even lesser-known fact that Metru Nui, despite being located in Mata Nui’s head, was not the northernmost part of the MU. Mata Nui, in fact, has hair!


Inside that hair, atop Mata Nui’s scalp, Toa Santa finished his preparations on the land of Hara-Nui. This was an island at the northernmost part of the MU, meaning it was literally the inside of Mata Nui’s scalp (an accident with a Toa of Gravity long ago meant gravity there was the opposite of the orientation of the rest of the MU). It was also very cold for no particular reason. Toa Santa, being a Toa of Ice, thought this was the perfect place to set up his workshop where he made presents to give to all the good MU denizens each year on Naming Day.


“Hey, Mini-Bohrok #1827468217364827365826359871269527813465978236589372648907651! What are you doing?” shouted workshop boss Kohrak-Kal, who had finally achieved his lifelong dream of appearing in a Lewa0111 comedy.


The aforementioned Mini-Bohrok looked at the disk in its hand. “I was polishing this disk, and also made fifteen other presents while you were busy saying my very long number.”


“Hmm, good point. We should figure out a better numbering system for you guys…”


As Kohrak-Kal turned away, Toa Santa entered the room. “Ho ho ho, Happy Naming Day Eve everyone! Are we all ready for the trip?”


The Mini-Bohrok all cheered. “We’re definitely ready,” said Kohrak-Kal excitedly. “Though we could use a better numbering system for our Mini-Bohrok. It took me too long to say this one’s number. But anyway, when do we leave?”


“Oh, right, you’re new. Transferred here through the Lewa# School of Comedy Internship Program, right? Every year, we leave in our flying Axalara with all of the presents on December 32nd at midnight. We start at Metru Nui and make our way to Mata Nui’s feet I mean...uhh...the southern islands! Yeah, southern islands! Definitely not feet. No idea why I said that.”


" :blink: " was all Kohrak-Kal had to say in response to that.


“The other Bohrok-Kal will be joining us, of course. We only have until midnight on the 33rd to give out gifts to every good MU denizen in the universe, after all! And the bad ones will get Zamor lawn chairs instead!”


Kohrak-Kal looked confused. “Wait, Zamor launchers? Wouldn’t most villains like getting a free weapon?”


“Not Zamor launchers, Zamor lawn chairs. They look kinda like Zamor launchers, but when you open one, it turns into a lawn chair instead. This usually causes most villains to go crazy when they see it.”


“Oh, okay.”


“Anyhow, let’s get moving! We’re leaving tomorrow morning at midnight o’clock sharp!” Toa Santa then left the room.


“‘Midnight o’clock?’” asked Kohrak-Kal with a :???:.


* * *


Meanwhile, in Metru Nui, everyone was getting ready for Naming Day Eve in their own way. Matau had decorated a fake tree entirely with pictures and action figures of himself in his Toa days, Vakama kept blaming himself for not having any decorations, Onewa had gone senile and thought it was Halloween again and thus was wearing a Kanohi Puhmpka all day, and the Toa Nuva were busy taking care of the holiday rush at the hotel (except Lewa, who was lazing around in his Manager’s Suite as usual). Turaga Dume in his typical over-the-top holiday obsession had attempted to get the entire Coliseum/Colosseum/whatever decorated to look like a giant Naming Day tree, but mostly just succeeded in somehow setting the entire thing on fire (good news for Tahu, but not too much for anyone else). Even Tava was going all-out baking more pies than usual, enough so there would be 3.14 for everyone in the city.


On the roof of the shared hut of Turagas Matau, Nokama, and Whenua, the six Visorak were lounging around, bored. “I’m bored,” said Oohnorak redundantly.


I just said that!


“...” ellipsed Suukorak. [Translation: “Why don’t we do something fun for Naming Day then? Everyone is preparing in some way.”]


“No he isn’t,” observed Keelerak, watching Everyone the weirdly-named Po-Matoran wandering around on the sidewalk below. “In fact I think he’s the only one not celebrating.”


“Bah, humbug!” shouted Everyone.


Boggarak groaned. “Darn it, I was gonna be the Scrooge reference this year! He stole my idea! Guess I have to be festive after all…” he said, adding an :xmas: emoticon for good measure.


Keelerak just shrugged (somehow). “I feel like Everyone just hates all holidays.”


“But that’s not true! Most of us like holidays! I mean, just look at the Toa and Turaga!” argued Vohtarak.


“I meant Everyone, not everyone.”


“Because that was so helpful,” commented Boggarak sarcastically.


“Oh, shut up.”


“...” ellipsed Suukorak. [Translation: “Can we please stay focused? What should we do to help celebrate this year?”]


“He’s right,” put in Keelerak.


“...” [Translation: “Yes I am, thank you!”]


“I dunno, what did we do last year? Didn’t we just play online games all day? I think we should do that again,” suggested Vohtarak.


“I vote no to that stupid suggestion,” Boggarak answered.


Keelerak reached back into the compartment for his Rhotuka spinner, rummaging around beneath the spinner. He tossed out a stuffed Muaka, a few Zamor spheres (which fell off the roof and accidentally enslaved some random Matoran walking below), a Wii remote, a bag of dog food, and some pliers before triumphantly pulling out a large book. “A-ha, here it is!” he crowed. “I knew I had it in here somewhere.”


“What is it?” asked Oohnorak, dodging the crows flying out of Keelerak’s pincers. “Is it my autobiography?”


:glare: ” Keelerak emoticonned. “No, and since when do you have an autobiography? This is my scrapbook of all the crazy hilarious adventures we’ve all gotten up to, as well as the others on Metru Nui. Let’s see…”


As the emerald Visorak flipped through the book and Roporak tried to shoo away the crows now pecking at his abdomen, Oohnorak started rummaging around through his own compartment but gave up after a few seconds. “Hmm, guess not, then. I thought I had written one, but apparently it’s not here.”


“Since when do you write books?”


“...” [Translation: “And since when can you not remember if you wrote one or not?”]


“Uhh…” uhhed Oohnorak. “Hey, look, a distraction!”


“WHERE? I love distractions!” As Vohtarak turned to find the distraction, Oohnorak shot out some webs and Spider-Manned away through the buildings.


“‘Spider-Manned?’” asked Boggarak. “Really?”


Look, you try finding a better word to describe that! I’m the author, so what I say goes. Now quit complaining.


Boggarak groaned. “Ugh...fine…”


THANK YOU. Anyway, Keelerak continued flipping through his scrapbook, finally slamming it shut in frustration. “Last year we didn’t do anything. A few of the Toa got together and helped the Narrator recite a Naming Day poem, but that was about it.”


“Typical. I told you, we never celebrate anything around here,” said Boggarak. “Which Toa were they? Maybe we can ask them for advice.”


“Onua, Tava, Takanuva, Kopaka, Matau, and Nokama, according to this.”


Everyone stared at Keelerak. Keelerak stared back at Everyone. “What are you doing here?”


“I was looking for the bathroom…” said the Po-Matoran.


:blink: ” all of the Visorak emoticonned.


“It’s definitely not on the roof,” Boggarak told the Matoran.




“That wouldn’t even make any sense.”


“...” [Translation: “But BIONICLE characters don’t even go to the--”]


“Yeah, okay, whatever,” interrupted Everyone. “I’ll check under the kitchen table next. Bye!” He then left as randomly as he had come.


“Well, all that weirdness notwithstanding,” said Boggarak, “did you say Toa Matau and Toa Nokama were helping with the poem last year? That doesn’t make any sense. They were Turaga for hundreds of years before we all moved back here, as proven by the fact that the Toa Nuva are with us. So how could that possibly have been last year?”


“Beats me,” said Keelerak. Then an eggbeater appeared out of nowhere and started beating him. “Ow! That’s weird! Stop it!” The eggbeater vanished.


“I know why! Because of CHEESE!” suggested Roporak with a :D.


“No one asked your opinion.”


Keelerak put his nonexistent chin on one of his pincers, creating a very weird-looking pose for a Visorak, as he thought. “Well, the book says it was last year. Which makes sense, since we just got done with a crazy crossover where we visited the Toa Nuva with Toa Matau and the others. But then how are the Metru all Turaga now? It’s only been a few weeks!”


“...” [Translation: “Better not think too hard about it. Our brains will explode.”]


“I told you, the Cheese did it! Never doubt the power of Cheese! Cheese is sacred! Cheese is just!”


“Enough,” said Vohtarak. “Go form a religion then, if you’re so--”


“NO! SHUT UP, VOHTARAK!!” Keelerak, Suukorak, and Boggarak screamed (or in Suukorak’s case, subtitled) simultaneously.


“ :ziplip ” emoticonned Vohtarak.


Keelerak sighed. “Phew. That was a close one. The last thing we need is another crossover adventure involving CHEESEONICLE.”


“Amen to that, brother.”


“Aww…” complained Roporak with a :(.


“Trust me, it’s for your own good. So, I guess we’re on our own for ideas this year, and we’ve learned not to take Lewa0111 comedy continuity (or lack thereof) very seriously. Anybody?”


There was silence for several long seconds. Suukorak’s subtitles were also absent, so he wasn’t speaking either. “Well,” said Vohtarak finally, “if no one has any other ideas, I guess we’re going with mine. Online games all day!”


“We are NOT doing that…” muttered Boggarak.


“Then somebody better think of something.”


Luckily, the Visorak who weren’t Vohtarak were saved from having to think of an idea on their own when Oohnorak suddenly Spider-Manned (shut up, Boggarak) up from another building. This time, however, they all noticed the webs attached to his rear were now much more colorful. And lit-up. And festive. “...” ellipsed Suukorak. [Translation: “Uhh, Oohnorak? Did you notice you have Naming Day lights stuck to your behind?”]


Keelerak held his serious face for about two seconds before he, and the others, all burst out laughing at the sight of Oohnorak with a light-up string attached to his back end. “Shut up, it’s not funny!”


“Well, this is a comedy,” Boggarak pointed out. “And it’s hilarious. What happened?”


Oohnorak glared at him before explaining. “Apparently, Nuparu borrowed an old building and is using it as a discount Naming Day-themed electronics store. Thing is, Nuparu being Nuparu, he added a whole bunch of extra floors to the store, and put it right smack in one of my usual Spider-Manning spots. So I swung through as usual, and the next thing I know, I’m crashing through a store with Naming Day lights getting stuck to all of my webbing! I think I swallowed a bunch, too, so creating new webbing doesn’t help. It still comes out with lights attached.”


“AHAHAHAHAHAHA--okay, sorry, that’s enough,” said Keelerak. “But you did give me a great idea--pffftttchhBAHAHAHAHAHA!” Keelerak, along with the other Visorak, all broke down into more uncontrollable laughter for several moments while Oohnorak just glared at them. Finally, they calmed down again. “Okay, for real this time, I’m done. Anyway, here’s my idea. Oohnorak? Where was Nuparu’s new store again?”


“I’ll show you. But...Keelerak, what exactly did you have in mind?”


As the six Visorak prepared to Spider-Man (“Ugh…” groaned Boggarak) across the city to find the store, Keelerak explained, “I’ll tell you what I have in mind. We’re going to cover the entire city with--”




:uhuh: ” was all Keelerak had to say to that interruption.


* * *


“Careful with that,” warned Kohrak-Kal as a squad of Nuhvok moved large quantities of boxes full of flight Kanoka, Kanohi Kadin, Kanohi Miru, Rahkshi staffs, and other flight-related objects from the storeroom to Toa Santa’s Axalara. Nearby, Nuhvok-Kal used his gravity powers to show off as he helped some Bohrok Va and Mini-Bohrok to bring the even larger quantities of gifts (and boxes of Zamor Lawn Chairs) out of the gift workshop to the Axalara. “Really, Nuhvok-Kal?”


“What?” asked the onyx-flavored Bohrok-Kal as he increased gravity around a random Mini-Bohrok, crushing the robotic creature. “I’m bored.” He then continued levitating more packages over to the Axalara.


Kohrak-Kal picked up a box of his own and carried it manually over to the Axalara. “This is no time to be goofing around; tonight is Naming Day Eve! This is what we’ve been working for all year!”


Nuhvok-Kal shrugged. “Not my fault you have a lame power.”


“Lame power! I’ll show you lame…” Kohrak-Kal unleashed a sonic blast that rendered Nuhvok-Kal temporarily deaf.


A blizzard mixed with Naming Day lights and Santa hats suddenly blew in, blasting both Bohrok-Kal backward. “Knock it off, both of you,” said a randomly appeared Toa Santa. “We don’t have much time left. Let’s just get all of this loaded up!”


Kohrak-Kal immediately returned to his duties when he glanced back at the Axalara. A thought suddenly occurred to him. “Hey, wait a second, how is all of this stuff going to fit on this one vehicle? I know it’s big, but not that big.”


“You’ll see for yourself…” said Toa Santa as he turned away with a wink.


“Hey, that’s mine!” protested Random Gahlok #272, chasing after Toa Santa to get its wink back.


* * *


“Prepare for takeoff,” said Toa Santa, riding on his Axalara. In front of it, nine Kikanalo with Kanohi Kadin duct taped to their feet were tied up, their backs loaded with more boxes full of gifts. The Axalara was weighted down with even more gifts, and behind it, a bizarre contraption made of superglued-together Rahkshi staffs, Miru, and Flight Kanoka was tied to the vehicle, holding the vast majority of the gifts and lawn chairs atop it.


“Uh...are you sure this is safe?” asked Kohrak-Kal.


“Relax, brother,” said Gahlok-Kal, tapping her brother on the shoulder. Then she paused. “Ah. Sorry. Darn magnetism...talk about an annoying power,” she added once they realized her handplate was now stuck to Kohrak-Kal’s armor. “Just great.”


“Hang on a second,” said Toa Santa, chucking a giant Naming Day tree at the two of them. The tree hit Gahlok-Kal’s handplate and unstuck it, though now she had a Naming Day tree magnetized to herself instead. “That’s slightly better, I guess. Now let’s go!” The Bohrok-Kal quickly climbed aboard (and Gahlok-Kal accidentally knocked several Mini-Bohrok off the vehicle with her Naming Day tree-hand in the process) as Toa Santa began the takeoff. “On Olmak, on Kaukau, on Elda, on Zatth! On Shelek, on Huna, on Sanok, on Crast! And you too, Vahi,” he added, referring to the red-horned Kikanalo at the front of the line. As one, the nine Kikanalo launched themselves into the air, dragging the vehicle and attached platform along with them.


The Naming Day procession soared through the air on the way to Metru Nui. “The Kikanalo are all named after Kanohi?” asked Kohrak-Kal.


Gahlok-Kal shrugged, accidentally knocking Lehvak-Kal off the vehicle with her tree-hand. “Oops, sorry...yeah, Toa Santa likes the theme. There’s no particular reason.”


Lehvak-Kal rocketed back up onto the vehicle using his vacuum powers. “GAHLOK-KAL YOU MAGNETIC LITTLE #### YOU DAUGHTER OF A #### ####### ## I’M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR ######## ### ### AND SHOVE IT RIGHT UP YOUR ##### ######## #### AND THEN ## ### ## # #### ON YOUR ###### ## #### ### WITH ############### IN THE ### ## #### # ### AND ### ### ###### ### ## YOUR ### ###### # ############ SO THEN YOU’LL HAVE TO ########### #### ## ##### SIDEWAYS! ###########################################!”


:blink: ” emoticonned Gahlok-Kal. “That was...interesting. Talk about an overreaction.”


“Okay, glad I got that out of my system. I’m not mad anymore! :)


“ :doubleblink: ” emoticonned Gahlok-Kal again.


“That’s not even a real emoticon, and also, no swearing allowed on the Axalara,” said Toa Santa. “Stay focused! We’re almost there!”


“Sorry,” said Lehvak-Kal sheepishly, growing wool and walking on all fours as he did so. “Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…”


Finally, the Axalara carrying one Toa of Naming Day, five normal Bohrok-Kal, and one sheepish Bohrok-Kal shot out of the tunnels and entered Metru Nui’s airspace--only to run into a group of Dark Hunters on a boat. Upon closer examination, the three Dark Hunters in question were Zaktan, Hakann, and Avak, arguing about something as usual and adding even more confusing questions to the earlier-discussed continuity snarl in Lewa0111 comedies. “Okay, Nuhvok-Kal, will you do the honors?” asked Toa Santa.


“Gladly!” exclaimed the Bohrok-Kal in question as he rummaged through one box until he found three Zamor Lawn Chairs. “Here you go, catch!”


“What the--?” asked the Piraka simultaneously as the three lawn chairs landed in their hands.


“See you later!”


Toa Santa’s procession continued onward as the Piraka opened their packages. “Cool, a Zamor Launcher!” exclaimed Hakann. “Let’s use this!” He opened the package--which promptly expanded into a lawn chair, knocking him into the air only to land with a crash in the water. “WHAT THE OAIJSDFOAIWEJFWEOJBOIJA”PSIEJFAOIJGAOIHGAJRLFIHAE…”


* * *


“YEEEOWW!” screamed Kohrak-Kal suddenly as he was yanked off the Axalara and blinded by light. “What’s going on?”


Beside him, Gahlok-Kal and Toa Santa were similarly suspended. The other Kohrak-Kal, the Axalara and attachment, and the nine Kikanalo were nowhere to be seen. “Someone tried to trap us!” said the Toa of Naming Day. “Hold on, I’ll get us out of here.” Toa Santa pulled his Naming Day Tree-shaped Toa tool off of Gahlok-Kal’s handplate and started focusing his power to blast away the sticky strands of Naming Day lights. “Look out below!”


“Wait, why--AAAAAAAH!” screamed Kohrak-Kal as he plummeted to the ground several mio below.


They looked around to take stock of their surroundings. The Axalara and its attached platformdog were hovering just above the ground a short distance away, and the other Bohrok-Kal were still suspended in what they could now see were webs covered in Naming Day lights stretching between the buildings above. “All right, very funny,” groaned Toa Santa. “We’ve got a real prankster on Metru Nui this year--they’re definitely getting a lawn chair if I can find out who did it. Now, let me get the others down and--”


He was interrupted by the arrival of six Visorak who approached their group in a circle. Why their group was suddenly in a circle, Toa Santa didn’t know, and anyway, he had bigger problems. “Hey, we caught something just like I said! Told you I know everything!” exclaimed Oohnorak.


“You don’t know everything, you just know this thing,” retorted Keelerak. “And--wait a minute, this can’t be right! Is that who I think it is!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”


Pohatu appeared. “I love--”


“DON’T USE THAT JOKE!” shouted the Visorak, Toa Santa, and the Bohrok-Kal. With a :(, Pohatu jumped back through his time-comedy warp portal into The Nuva Inn.


“Wait a minute, you’re the Visorak from Ask Matau!, aren’t you? That means--” said Toa Santa.


“You’re Toa Santa, aren’t you?” said Keelerak at the same time.


“WAIT, YOU REALLY EXIST!?!?!?” both shouted simultaneously. Gahlok-Kal magnetized the portal shut before Pohatu could return.


An awkward silence followed. “Well, this is an awkward silence,” muttered Kohrak-Kal. I just said that! You’re as bad as Oohnorak. DON’T COMMENT, OOHNORAK.


“...” said Suukorak. [Translation: “Well, somehow I don’t think any of us expected this. Now what?”]


“Yeah, uh, sorry about that,” added Keelerak. “We weren’t exactly expecting you.”


“Who were you expecting, then?”




Toa Onewa suddenly fell from the sky and landed in the webbing. “HEY! What did I ever do to you, huh?”


Keelerak thought for a moment. “Let’s see...you insulted Matau, creeped on Nokama, annoyed Whenua, look like chocolate, have an ugly mask, generally act like a word I can’t say on BZP, and also sent us tons of viruses. Is that enough, or should I go on?”




Oohnorak promptly tangled Onewa up even further so that his mouth was covered by the webbing. “How about no? Now, Toa Santa, where’s my gift?”


Your gift?” asked Toa Santa. “You haven’t been too nice this year. You’ve been egotistical, arrogant, condescending…”


“Those are all compliments, right?”


“You’re as bad as Matau,” groaned Boggarak.


“I HEARD THAT!” shouted Matau all the way in Le-Metru.


Toa Santa sighed. “Well, if you insist...Kohrak-Kal, do you mind grabbing me a Zamor from my bag?” Kohrak-Kal grabbed a Zamor Lawn Chair and handed it to Oohnorak.


Oohnorak looked at the device. “Cool, thanks! I’ll open it later, though. First, we need to finish working on that giant statue of me I had Hafu carve.”


“When did you have Hafu--you know what, never mind. I don’t want to know,” said Keelerak. “Toa Santa, do you need our help? We’re really sorry you got stuck in our prank web. But you have to admit, it is festive!”


Toa Santa glanced upward at the webs of lights strung across the city. “It certainly is. And I thank you. Do you mind freeing my Kikanalo first? They can help me out.”


“No problem! Guys, let’s do this.”


“Sorry, I’m busy,” said Vohtarak, sitting by himself with a laptop.


“CHEESE!” shouted Roporak, pulling out a gigantic spray-can of cheese and spraying Toa Santa with it.


Keelerak rolled his eyes (somehow). “Sorry about them...okay, the rest of us, let’s go.”


Keelerak, Oohnorak, Suukorak, and Boggarak all climbed up the webs, leaving the two obsession-crazed Visorak behind, and crawled across to where the nine Kikanalo were trapped. They all positioned themselves between two Kikanalo each. “On three. One, two, three!” shouted Boggarak, and they all cut the webs.


“BLARGHLGLARGHL!” blarghlglarghled the Kikanalo, which all zoomed off in random directions, soaring over the horizon and lost to sight.


The Visorak collectively facepalmed. “Great…” groaned Oohnorak.


“...” [Translation: “Now what? Santa’s Kikanalo all flew away.”]


“That’s all right,” said Toa Santa, hovering near them on his Axalara. “We’ll just make Lehvak-Kal and Nuhvok-Kal pull the Axalara instead!”


“Why us!?” demanded Lehvak-Kal.


“Because they took our only Kadin available, and you two are the only ones who can remotely come close to flying. Now get pulling! We’ve got a job to do. Bye Visorak, have fun with your pranks!”


“Wha--you’re leaving already? Talk about an abrupt ending…”


“Yes, well, this comedy has dragged on long enough for a one-post, and the night is almost over. I have every being in the MU to visit, after all! Which reminds me--here are your gifts,” he added, pulling out five neatly-wrapped packages to hand out to everyone besides Oohnorak. “Now, let’s be off!”


With a very grumpy Nuhvok-Kal and Lehvak-Kal pulling it, the Axalara and the attached platform flew up above Metru Nui and zoomed away to visit a less webby island. “Think maybe we should take down the webs so he can come back to deliver Metru Nui’s presents?” suggested Keelerak.


“Nah,” said Boggarak. “What’s the worst that could happen?”




* * *





Meanwhile, Vahi the red-horned Kikanalo kept struggling against its sticky, light-covered bonds. “Garreeeerrrrt!” it yelled in Kikanaloese, or, in English, “Umm, anyone? A little help here?”




Bob the Word Counting Kikanalo: This comedy has 3,817 words. HOLY GADUNKA!


Gadunka: What?


Bob: Not you….and I’m not reusing old jokes from the last holiday. Go away.


Gadunka: Fine…


~Merry Christmas from Lewa# Studios!


Halloween Special 2014


Thanksgiving Special 2014


:mirunu: Lewa0111 Nuva :mirunu:

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