Yet another "ask" comedy

[Specter Knight]

Yet another “Ask” Comedy

A tale about isolation, annoyance, frustration, megalomania, pasta, and loads of questions.

 

 

Chapter one: The Coming of the Questions
 
Varian awoke in a darkened room. It was relatively warm, so it couldn’t have been the cold, dank throne room of the shadowed one she remembered herself being in previously.
Shaking, she stood up, and tried to assess her surroundings. She was a bit confused, but any sane person would probably be after being in stasis for thousands of years. There was no discernible smell in the air, at least, none that she recognized.
Looking around nervously, she tried to figure out if there was anyone else in the room. She sincerely hoped so, for Last time she was in a place like this…
“H-hello?” Varian said quietly.
She nearly jumped out of her armour when multiple spotlights suddenly turned on and shone right in her direction. Her eyes screwed up as she tried to adjust to the blinding light that filled the room like a boat with a large hole in it.
When her eyes eventually adjusted to the light, she could see the room more clearly. She was barely a foot away from a set of comfortable-looking leather sofas, with a boxy machine with a large screen positioned right in front of it. Directly angled to her right were a set of cameras manned by Rahkshi, aiming right at her.
Looking around in bewilderment, she caught some kind of cheesy jazz music playing through tinny speakers, followed by canned applause. After this abruptly happened, Varian came to a horrifying conclusion to all this happening.
“Mata Nui above…” She gasped in surprise. “Is this a TV Game show?!”
Immediately after she said that, a disembodied voice echoed throughout the studio, confirming all her suspicions.
“Indeed it is, Madame!” It announced. “Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to ASK VARIAN!”
 
***
 
Having not moved from her starting position, Varian was visibly bewildered. “Ask…Me?” She said. “Ask me what?”
“Anything and everything!” The disembodied voice boomed. “On this show, you will be asked various questions about yourself, and will have to answer them for our entertainment!”
Varian didn’t know exactly what was going on right now. After being captured by the shadowed one, things were kind of up in the air, so it would make perfect sense to get a few things out of the way and clear up some leftover confusion.
“…Well before we start, mate,” She said, putting her hands on her hips, “I’d like to ask you a question first. Who exactly are you?”
“Who am I?” The disembodied voice boomed. “Why, I’m the disembodied voice narrating the show! But you can call me D.V for short!”
“…And why am I answering questions here?”
“I already answered that question a few seconds ago! For our amusement!” D.V replied. “Questions from our viewers will appear on this screen right here, and you will have to answer them! It’s quite simple, really!”
Varian stroked her chin with intrigue. “One more question. How do I get out of here?”
There was a brief pause before D.V spoke again.  “Well… Short answer, you can’t. But… If you answer enough questions, There’s a small possibility that I Might let you out.”
An expression of shock appeared on Varian’s face when she heard she might not escape, and was about to protest, but was cut off by D.V.  “But enough talk, let’s get those questions rolling in!”
The boxy machine’s screen sparked to life, showing a list of questions compiled in neat paragraphs. Varian scanned the questions, noticing there weren’t too many of them, neither were they that long. I guess while I’m stuck here, I’d better answer some questions… Varian thought to herself. I mean, how hard could it be?
Stepping forward to the computer, Varian read the first question, which was;
 
 

 

 

-QUESTION 1-
Dear Varian,
What are your opinions on Norik after all these years?

 
“What can I say?” Varian said cheerfully. “He’s my best friend! I wonder what he’s doing these days…”
“Last time I checked, he was doing some work with the Toa Mahri.” D.V replied. “Still doing odd heroic jobs long after you were sadly locked away. At least, that’s what I last remember…”
“I wonder if he still remembers me…” Varian mused, wistfully. She pushed her thoughts to one side, and continued to answer the questions.
 

 

 

-QUESTION 2-
Dear Varian,
What’s your preferred method of dealing with Enemies? Psychic powers, or your blades?

 
“Definitely my Psychic powers.” Varian replied. “How varied can you be with two blades?”
“Not Very?” D.V chimed in.
“Exactly.” Varian clicked her fingers. “But with Psychic powers, you can do all kinds of cool stuff! You can move things with your mind, you can create confounding illusions, you can transmit messages to other people’s minds…”
“That sounds like a useful power to have in everyday life!” D.V cut in. “If I could move things with my mind, I could get to work with half the effort!”
Varian assumed a puzzled expression. “…That’s not really what it’s intended for…”
“Weren’t you the one who brought up the diversity of Psychic powers?” D.V replied. Varian soon went silent after that.
“Thought so. Is there any more questions waiting to be answered?”
Varian looked at the bottom of the screen, and saw that there wasn’t any more questions. “Sadly, doesn’t look like there’s any left.”
“What?!” D.V yelled in exasperation. “You mean we only have two questions today?! How deeply disappointing!”
“So… What do we do now?” Varian asked, a little nervous. Who knew what this D.V would do to her if she couldn’t answer more questions…
“Simple! We wait for more questions!” D.V replied. “This is the pilot episode, after all! If all goes as planned, we’ll have HEAPS of new questions for you to answer!”
Varian was still skeptical. “…and what if you don’t get new questions soon…?”
There was a brief pause, before D.V announced; “Well… as the questions are the only thing that keeps the show going, if we have no more questions, it means you’re stuck with me… FOREVER!”
A look of horror suddenly appeared on Varian’s face. Her mind started to race with disturbing thoughts. If the questions stopped coming, then she would have to be stuck in a room with a disembodied voice that seemed like it could only yell everything.
She was about to call D.V out on trapping her here, but was then cut off again by his obnoxiously loud voice. “Well folks, that’s just about all the time we have right now, but join us next week for another enticing episode of… ASK VARIAN!”

 

***

The cheesy jazz started playing again, followed by the canned laughter, and when all that stopped, the blinding spotlights were abruptly shut off, leaving Varian in the dark again. In the near darkness, she could see the shapes of the Rahkshi cameraman leaving their machines and walking off into the darkness.
Varian was urged to run after the Rahkshi and escape this place, but as soon as she got near the cameras, her muscles seized up and she suddenly snapped back to her former position. She stumbled around in the dark, before tripping and collapsing on one of the couches.
As she tried to get to grips with what happened, D.V’s voice came up again, much to her chagrin. “Do you like my patented Fourth wall protection device (FWPD for short)? It stops the fourth wall from being tampered with!”
“So… It’s another thing to keep me from leaving.” Varian said. “How much have you gone to make sure I don’t escape?!”
“Enough to stop an angry Tahtorak from getting out! Can you believe it?” D.V Taunted, furthering dampening Varian’s spirits. “Now, I have to go for a Coffee break. Try not to escape whilst I’m gone, darling!”
Although there was no sound to signify him doing so, D.V appeared to have left. Varian righted herself, and started thinking about her current situation. D.V must’ve expected her to dive head-first into a pool full of despair, but she just sat there, stared at the ceiling, and kept her wits about her.
I’m going to get out of here. She thought, her heart-light filled with determination. No matter how many questions I’m going to have to answer…

 

To be continued...

[Naota Takizawa]

I got a question for Varian: Have you ever bought something that you regret purchasing? 

[The 1st Shadow]

Sure, I'll bite. Been a while since I saw a decent Ask Comedy.

 

1) If you could have any other mask, which would it be, and why?

 

2) Who do you think would win in a race--Pohatu or the Flash?

Edited May 4, 2016 by The 1st Shadow

[Erasmus Graves]

OK, here goes:

 

I. Varian, what did you think of Batman v. Superman?

 

II. Varian, whose team are/were you on for Captain America: Civil War?

 

III. Varian, is it true the Shadowed One wears fluffy bunny slippers around the fortress?

[Master Inika]

Pretty good so far. Question from me:

 

Varian, what's your favorite breed of Visorak?

[Specter Knight]

Thank you for your feedback and/or questions! I'll be sure to make a start on the next chapter as soon as I can!