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The Mentor's Way

Here is my entry for Contest #7: Memoirs of the Dead.

Word Count: 4442

 

-----
 

"No! No! No! This part’s too vague and this whole section is completely wrong!"
 
Those were the initial words of complaint that I remember Nuju uttering in what would be the first of many lessons with me. I wasn't surprised. I had read his many academic evaluations shortly before he had appeared before me. All of them spoke very highly of him; many of the Seers who had taken him under their wing believed he was destined to become a fine scholar. Indeed, he was believed to be one of the brightest and most promising students Ko-Metru had seen in decades, maybe even centuries. 

However, there was a catch with taking on a student like Nuju - I've found there usually are in these sorts of things. For all his cleverness, he was said to be... well, 'impatient' was the politest word I managed to glean from twelve of my peers. And while firm in his convictions (a promising characteristic in any student), Nuju was said to be particularly stubborn - more than a few teachers had said that he struggled to see things from other perspectives. But then, of course he was struggling! He was still young after all, and bright ones like him always had so many hills to die on.
 
From his desk, the young Ko-Matoran glowered at me coldly. I took no offence at his harsh gaze; among us Matoran of Ice, it was all too frequent a response. To the outside eye, it seemed as if we viewed silence as a perfectly adequate greeting. But among us, silence was its very own language, conveying moods and emotions as loud as a Le-Matoran commentator at an Akilini tournament. And in the silence between teacher and student, there was much being said in the unsaid. Nobody likes to be proven wrong, but Nuju's eyes gleamed with something worse than frustration. They glowed with disappointment.
 
He held out the tablet he had just finished reading. "This cannot be a useful learning tool, Ihu."
 
I walked to where he was sitting. An array of stone tablets were scattered messily across the top of his table, each lecturing on a different branch of philosophy or science. Nuju held out his hand expectantly, offering up the tablet he was specifically displeased with. I took it and examined it closely.
 
“Nuju, you are critiquing a highly-acclaimed document," I began. "This text compiles the notes of some of Ko-Metru's finest scientists. I do not see how their shared thoughts on the Kanoka creation process could be inaccurate, especially since their ideas have been in practice ever since."
 
"The information is hundreds of years old," Nuju grumbled. "In the centuries since, scores of mask makers have proposed new and better techniques to create Kanohi. These techniques are obsolete and outdated." 
 
"And what do those mask makers base their progress on?" I asked him. "They will always refer back to the initial data in some way. The technology that created the first Kanoka, regardless of how old it is, laid the foundation for an entire industry in this city."
 
Nuju grumbled for a moment, his eyepiece whizzing back and forth as he re-examined the tablet in much closer detail. I smiled at my new student courteously, despite the icy glare he shot at me. He still had so much to learn.
 
"Why am I studying this anyway?" he demanded, daring to sound almost defeated. By now, his face had contorted so fiercely and with such frustration that one could be forgiven for believing he was wearing a different mask. 

"I am not here to be starstruck."

I considered this and smiled at him, from one stargazer to another. Dodging the irony, Nuju pressed on.

"If I were," he continued, "then I'd be down in the schools of Onu-Metru. I know when I am right, and I know that Kanoka has no relevance in either the study of the future, or my own future."

I had expected this much from Nuju. My smile fell from my face, leaving behind an altogether sterner expression. 

"You ask me why this is relevant, why it matters. It matters because Metru Nui's greatest advancements have almost never relied upon stargazing or solving cryptic puzzles."
  
I turned away from him and began to pace across my observatory. Beyond my essential stargazing equipment, the room was spared any of my personal effects. I have, for many years now, been of the belief that a workspace serves equally as a reflection of its occupant's character. For this reason I had made sure my quarters revealed as little as possible. And for this moment in particular, perhaps it was all the better for that. I came to a stop near a massive window that overlooked the spires of Ko-Metru, a glass empire framed by a crystalline skyline.

Nuju, naturally, frowned at my silence. "But studying Kanoka does not help us learn about the future."
 
My shoulders heaved with a sigh. “To understand the future, we must understand the decisions that led us here in the first place. We can never truly dismiss our past, it's the rudder that guides us towards our destinies. It informs the way we understand it." 
 
When I turned to face Nuju again, he had a look of pure, incredulous shock on his face, as if I had just muttered some foul Po-Matoran curse in the Great Temple. 
 
"With all due respect, Ihu, the past is something we leave the Onu-Matoran to bumble about. Any Seer worth his work knows our future is determined by ever-changing patterns in the present. The past merely tells us what has gone before. It cannot guide us into our future."
 
I frowned.
 
"Without history, how do we study the future? Our past shapes us into what we're going to be. Every mistake we make affects the way they look ahead. What are our lives, if not a dialogue between what has happened to us and what we hope will happen next?”
 
Silence. Nuju's stare again, which had now made the complex leap from annoyed, to exasperated, to white-hot Nova Blast of undergraduate contempt. In the unsaid, Nuju's face was saying something to the effect of:
 
What in Mata Nui's name are you talking about? What does any of that even mean? Are you being serious, are you an idiot?
 
Which, when he returned to the spoken word again, translated into:
 
"This explains why your peers don't like you, sir."
 
I couldn't help but grin at the comment. "I see they are being polite again."

It was true, that the name ‘Ihu’ carried with it as much acclaim as it did derision. For years, I had endured the white noise that comes with being one of Metru Nui's leading thinkers. It was an inflated reputation, but I could only blame my own knack for prophecies for that. Many times over, I had deciphered Metru Nui's most cryptic prophecies with a standard that had never been matched, though in more recent years, I had become far more suited to the lectern than the observatory. Many of these were expected stops for a Ko Metru scholar - the Knowledge Tower celebrity speaking circuit was a well-worn path - but more recently I had been called upon to lecture in places well beyond my district – the schools of Ga-Metru, the Onu-Metru Archives and even in the most private chambers of the Coliseum.
 
However, a personal philosophy that was all-inclusive of the past, while popular with Onu-Matoran, did not sit well within the elite circles of the Ko-Matoran. Personally, I did not mind their gawping and gossip. It makes my job all the more fun, truth be told.
 
I gave Nuju a friendly smile and pressed on.
 
"Those peers you refer to are the stubborn and narrow-minded, and I assure you I am neither. But for now, if I've done my job, you should have plenty to think about. We’re going to have many more lessons like this, so a change in perspective might go a long way in making them all the more enjoyable."
 
Nuju snorted as he raised himself from his desk, then left the room without another word. It appeared 'Thank you' or 'goodbye' were to be a luxury. I went to my window and considered the horizon before me. He wasn’t my student, not in mind or spirit, but he was still new to the Knowledge Towers. He would need a helping hand through his first few hurdles, especially with Ko-Metru’s finest watching with hungry eyes.
 
I would be more than happy to help him, but it would be up to Nuju to accept it and do the most important thing that any Matoran could possibly do.
 
Listen.
 
----
 
I was standing in the lobby of my Knowledge Tower, one of the most distinguished of the Towers of Thought. Apart from the mechanical chirping of the nearby Vahki drones, not a single word had been uttered. That said, even if I had wanted to speak, I would have no doubt have been escorted off the premise - the nickname "the quiet Metru" was a surprisingly literal one. That said, it was almost a relief to know that the nearby scholars were bound by silence, if only because it refrained them from talking amongst themselves.
 
It had been two months since I had become Nuju’s mentor, and needless to say, he had not been responding well to our lessons.  My theories appalled him and my heresies outraged him, while my life's work was little more than the scribblings of a jumped-up hack. Nuju had attempted to dethrone me more than once in my own classroom, much like many of my colleagues had when I myself was a young Seer. He had not been the first to try and was unlikely to be the last.
 
Many times over, Nuju had presented me hours of work that I had dismissed with the wave of my hand. There were always small oversights - too little attention to detail, too many presumptions in his arguments. He did not hate the fact that I criticised his work, he hated that I was right. Now, it seemed, it had finally gotten to him.
 
I approached the group of Vahki, keeping a wary eye on the huddled scholars that dotted the corners of the room, their eyes boring holes into the back of my head as I approached. The squad leader, clearly of the Keerakh variety, split off from the rest of its team and approached me, taking long, calculated strides as it came closer. Beside it stood a serenely blanked-faced figure I recognised as Nuju, who was staring up at the ceiling with a placid, wide-eyed interest.
 
I sighed as I realised the cause of Nuju's mindset. The Staff of Confusion was said to be the most merciful of the Vahki stun tools, far more compassionate than the Staff of Erasing. However, I had always found it unnerving to see the aimless drifters borne of the Keerakh's power, idly wandering in the streets.
 
The Vahki commander turned and issued an order encoded in a mechanical whistle to its comrades. Immediately, the other Keerakh turned to the huddles of Ko-Matoran watchers and began shooing them off. I looked up into the empty blue eyes of the commander, who stood firm and motionless. I cleared my throat.
 
"I heard of what Nuju did. I do not condone his actions, but I want your assurance that he has not been harmed."
 
The Keerakh titled its head slowly, its mechanical eyes never flickering off me. A short pause ensued and a sinister silence clutched us. All the while, Nuju continued to stare at the ceiling. I cleared my throat again once I realised how long I had been rooted to the spot.
 
"Well, thank you for your assistance. I will escort Nuju back to my observatory."
 
The Vahki didn't reply. Instead, it broke itself from its motionless stance and made its way to the lobby entrance with the rest of its unit. Within mere seconds, they vanished into the blizzard outside. I frowned for a moment, then turned and herded the confused Nuju through the tower's winding passageways. We strode past several rooms of prophecy, ancient centres of learning and far too many laboratories. Along the way, scholars and students scowled at me disapprovingly, though I paid their judgments no thought.
 
By the time we had returned to my observatory, near the very top of the tower, Nuju was back to his old self again, though he refused to look at me until we were within the safety of my inner sanctum. I seated him down in one of my armchairs before turning on him sternly. At times like these, it helped my office was soundproof.
 
"What was that?" 
 
Nuju shrugged. "A protest.”
 
I fought back the urge to pull a face.
 
“A protest? Screaming down the corridors of the Towers of Thought is not a protest, especially when all you're doing is complaining about me."
 
Nuju shrugged. "Sounds like a protest to me."
 
"Not when you're disturbing other scholars in a no-speaking zone! You know as well as I do that the Vahki monitor those buildings around the clock, they'll arrested students for making even the slightest noise. What you did out there wasn't smart or clever, it was petulant and it was stupid! And what did you hope achieve with this? Humiliate me in front of my colleagues, make my teachings seem foolish?" 
 
Nuju began his explanation, but his confidence was already in retreat. "What can I say? I'm beginning to think they're right about you--"
 
"If you were looking to embarrass me, then you succeeded: I was quite the fool for taking you as my student."
 
A stunned silence. Nuju did not say a word, but I could see the hurt in his eyes, and I immediately regretted what I had said. My anger subsiding for guilt, I sighed and took a seat beside the young Seer. It was a long time before we spoke again.  
 
"I'm sorry," I finally said with a heavy heart. "I didn't mean that." 
 
Nuju did not look back, but I heard his voice. "I'm sorry too." 
 
A great pause. The unsaid filled the silence yet again. When it became unbearable, I looked to him and this time caught his gaze. 
 
"You have a brilliant mind, Nuju, and it will take you very far. But you're doing yourself no favours, carrying on like this. Maybe you were right to be angry at me, but whatever point you were trying to prove, this sort of will go such a long way in hindering you. You know that, don't you?"
 
Something changed in Nuju's eyes in that moment. It was subtle of course, but the change was there nonetheless.
 
"Yeah," he mumbled, a quiet but earnest concession. 

I savoured this moment, small as it may be. Nuju had not been my most yielding of students, but I had never wished him any ill. This moment was fraught and unsteady, but maybe after so much resistance, after so much anger, maybe now I was getting somewhere with him. Nuju's gaze then turned to the great telescope that sat on my balcony.
 
"Perhaps we should see what the stars hold for us tonight," he ventured earnestly.
 
"Not tonight, I think."  My eyes were fixed on the twin suns setting in the distance, the orange skyline joining them in the retreat.
 
"You need to rest. The mysteries of the Great Spirit will still be waiting here when we return tomorrow."
 
Like before, Nuju left without another word. Like before, I returned to the window, stared at the emerging stars and looked beyond. 
 
----
 
A lot can change in the span of a year. 
 
Turaga Dume can create a new public holiday, Ko-Metru can even win an Akilini tournament for the first time in 1000 years, and In-between all of that, a mentor and student can become friends for the first time.
 
From my most defiant student to my most avid listener, Nuju's stubbornness had finally been tempered enough for him to concede on at least some fronts. 
 
He was still as sharp as ever, and analysed everything that crossed his desk with unrivalled scrutiny, but he no longer did this to prove my folly. Or at least, not intentionally. Unsurprisingly, lessons had become much easier with him here in the Knowledge Towers. He had even been permitted back into the Towers of Thought. The intelligentsia of Ko-Metru had begun to forgive him for his earlier transgressions, which I knew from experience was not an easy process. The upside was that it had brought some much needed normality back into my classroom.
 
Today, however, I had decided to do something a little bit different.
 
Feeling the need to sweep aside any lingering tensions, I had decided to take him with me on an excursion to Ga-Metru. I myself was familiar with the region; many Ga-Matoran teachers had asked me to lecture here and had more than once offered me a position at their schools. All were very respectable institutions, but they were not suited to me - I could never really wrap my head around those Proto Level examinations. But coming to this district, and walking among its dazzling splendour, remains one of the great joys of my life.
 
Unfortunately, however, Nuju was not quite as well traveled as I was, and was immediately thrust out of his comfort zone. Like many Ko-Matoran, he rarely left the Knowledge Towers he was admitted into, let alone the Metru itself, so to see his reaction to the stunning scenes of Ga-Metru for the first time was something truly special.
 
We began our tour with a trip around the Fountains of Wisdom, followed by a tour of the Great Temple itself, and then went on an expedition along the coastline via a plucky service called Macku’s Canoes. By the late afternoon, Nuju had chiseled up what looked like forty-five pages of notes. This was not surprising.
 
"Next time, I should take you to see the musicians in Le-Metru," I remember saying as we crossed an intricate bridge overlooking the beautiful Protodermis Falls. "Nobody makes up an orchestra quite like the Le-Matoran. Their symphonies are truly spectacular, provided the choirs aren't singing in Chute-Speak."
 
Nuju grunted in acknowledgement and leaned against the railing, staring out at the orange suns and the rushing waters of the Falls. He had heard me, but he wasn't listening. Instead, he took a moment to soak up the atmosphere of the world before him. There was peace here, a harmony that couldn’t be found anywhere else in the city. Seconds ticked by as the two of us just stood there, watching the waters topple over the cliff tops.
 
"Why did you bring me here?" he asked gently. I did not look at him.
 
"To prove a point,” I replied.
 
Nuju laughed warmly. "What a surprise!” 
 
Ignoring his sarcasm for once, I continued.
 
"I wanted to prove to you that there's more out there than an office in a skyscraper with a telescope in the sky."
 
"So should I give it all up and become an Akilini player instead?"
 
I chuckled. "No, not at all. But the world is not beautiful so we can observe it through a keyhole. What do I always say, Nuju? What do I keep telling you?"
 
Nuju smiled wistfully as he repeated my own words back at me. "All of life is a journey, and the journey is not about how high you climb or how far you walk..."
 
I took it upon myself to finish the line. "...It is about what you learn on the way, and how you choose to use that knowledge."
 
We looked out the water again, Nuju's eyes shimmering with thought. He looked to me and said, "I don't think Metru Nui will ever have a Seer quite like you, Ihu."
 
I finally forced myself to meet his gaze.
 
"And it's time you proved me wrong. You no longer need me any more, your destiny is your own. I have taught you everything I can, and you finally have the only thing I have ever tried to give you."
 
My student seemed puzzled. "And what would that be?"

Water rushed over the Falls.
 
"An open mind."
 
----
 
"Ihu, you have a visitor waiting for you in your observatory."
 
I turned away from the circle of Seers I had been talking with to face a young messenger.
 
"Please tell him to make an appointment first."
 
Ehyre stiffened none too subtly as he said his next words. “Sir, he says he's an old student of yours. A Seer from the southern end. Nuju, I believe his name is. He’s already waiting in your office.”
 
I turned back to the messenger, a look of surprise etched upon my mask. It had been four years now since Nuju had left me, and since then he had gone on to enjoy a very successful career of his own. He was scarcely found outside his new observatory, where his restless mind could focus without distraction.
 
"Tell him I'll be right with him," I said. Ehyre nodded solemnly and left without a word. I quickly excused myself from my congregation and hastily made my way through the crystalline corridors of the tower. 
 
Arriving at my observatory, I opened the doors to see Nuju standing out on my balcony, gazing up through my telescope. He turned at the sound of my entrance and nodded courteously, the ghost of a smile on the tips of his mouth. I smiled back to him and moved to tap a clenched fist in the customary manner, but was greeted instead with an open palm. We shook hands.
 
"Nuju, my friend! How have you been?"
 
The lens of my former student’s mask zoomed in and out as he looked around the room.
 
"I am very well, Ihu. Plenty of new projects to keep me busy, some of which I can't even tell you about. If I did, it would be my turn to report you to the Vahki."
 
Though it wasn't obvious, this was Nuju's version of a joke. The only problem was he never made it apparent when he was actually trying to say something funny.
  
Nuju titled his head, noting the joke had not quite landed as intended. "And how have you been since we last met? Taken on any more students?"
 
"Not this time," I said as I took a seat in one of my armchairs. "This old Gukko's wings can only stretch so far – and you certainly strained them.”
 
Fighting back a grin, Nuju seated himself in an opposing chair. "So what do you do now?"
 
My eyes trailed off over his shoulder as I thought of a response.
 
"I've been poached for one or two projects myself. Many still value my knowledge of the prophecies, so I haven't run out of interesting work. I am, however, finding myself drawn to other ventures.”
 
There was a pause. It was in no way awkward. Many Ko-Matoran paused mid-conversation to collect their thoughts and catalog their feelings. 
 
"You're going somewhere, are you not?" Nuju asked.
 
I refused to dignify him with anything less than a perched eyebrow. He was spot on, of course. But he didn’t need to know that.
 
"And what makes you say that?" I asked playfully.
 
Nuju shrugged. "The packed bags were a clue."
 
I chuckled lightly, more to myself for having made that all so obvious for him.
 
"A group of Archivists have asked me to be the guest speaker at the opening of new wing of the Archives."
 
Nuju’s grin disappeared with that news.
 
"Typical. Another Onu-Matoran expansion with more funding than it deserves. One day, I'll make sure they come to understand the importance of our research."
 
I rolled my eyes. "Well, when you become the next great pioneer of our future, remember to name something after me."
 
Nuju smiled back at my joke. "Consider it done."
 
I peered outside the window and stared at the suns, noting how low they hung in the ginger sky. Deciding now would be the best time to leave, I rose from my armchair and moved to my desk.
 
"Unfortunately, I should get going. I don't want to miss my trip. You know what those attendants are like when you're running late."

As I began to make my way towards the door, Nuju rose and extended a fist to me. For the the first time in all our years together, we bumped fists.
 
"All the best with your lecture, Ihu," he began, his voice filled with genuine affection. Warmth even. 
 
"Have a safe trip."
 
"Oh, Nuju," I said merrily with a wide grin. "I'll be back before you know it!"
 
----
 
And thus concludes my memoirs for the moment. Being a Ko-Matoran, I feel the act of putting chisel to stone both irksome and unnecessarily tedious, so I have devised a better way to amass my thoughts. Indeed, many will question my use of this Memory Crystal for such a purpose, but I could not think of a better way.
 
The Memory Crystal's potential goes far beyond that of mere data storage. It could be used to record entire accounts of one's life without the painstaking effort of carving letters onto stone.
 
Whilst my memoirs are currently incomplete - my tutoring of Nuju simply being a smaller chapter of a much larger work - I will properly conclude them once I return from my excursion to Onu-Metru. Until then, I leave you with these words I imparted to Nuju in Ga-Metru, one that had him thinking for days:
 
Life is a puzzle that cannot easily be solved, the bane of every philosopher's existence. It takes time and patience to piece its intricacies together, and then to understand its meaning in a global vernacular. If these mysteries frustrate or confuse you, look to the skies above and keep an open mind. Your future is not a series of events set in stone, pre-determined by the forces of chance. Our pasts are alive; the defiant and impetuous navigators who live in our choices and chart our course, no matter what paths we were meant for. We may each have a destiny, but even those can be resisted, and in the most extreme cases, averted. Our future is determined not with solid certainty, but with careful consideration of variables. The slightest of miscalculations, shifts in temperature, even impulsive actions can throw the entire natural order out of balance.
 
And such a world is something worth revelling in.

Edited by Mersery
  • Upvote 6

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

 

 

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Wait, is this for the Memoirs of the Dead? In that case, I think it would belong in S&T.

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Yeah, this is for the Memoirs of the Dead contest. Since I'm relatively new here, I wasn't entirely sure how to post this topic and link it back to the contest page. Apologies if I've caused any confusion.

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

 

 

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The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

When I turned to face Nuju, he a look of shock on his face, as if I had just muttered some foul Skakdi curse in the Great Temple. He almost seemed insulted.
I think a had is missing there.
Beside it, stood the relaxed form of Nuju, who was staring up at the sealing with wide eyes, a look of confusion
Do you mean ceiling?
I could never really rap my head around those Proto Exams
I personally have no problem with you saying how the Ga-Metru exams are called. However, it would be worth asking the contest hosts if it is alright to do something like this, as I'm not 100% sure.
Some of their symphonies are breath taking
It should be breathtaking, without a space in the middle.
When do ever do anything that doesn’t relate back to you proving some kind of point
I think there's a pronoun missing there.
Since I we formally parted ways as student and teacher
In this case there are two pronouns in a row, probably the I should be deleted.Other than that, I found the story quite interesting. You managed to capture well the atmosphere of the quiet Metru, and overall I enjoyed reading it. Edited by The First Speaker

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Thank you very much for the feedback and bringing those typos to my attention. As for the Ga-Matoran exams, they are actually called Proto Levels in canon (accidentally called them 'exams' instead of 'levels' XD), as can be seen here: http://biosector01.com/wiki/index.php/TeacherHere are the changes I have made:

When I turned to face Nuju, he had a look of shock on his face, as if I had just muttered some foul Skakdi curse in the Great Temple. He almost seemed insulted
There were always small oversights, not enough attention to detail, and not enough conclusive or compelling arguments.
Beside it, stood the relaxed form of Nuju, who was staring up at the ceiling with wide eyes, a look of confusion decorating his blank face.
Some of their symphonies are breathtaking, provided they don’t have their choirs speak in that highly confusing Chute-Speak.”
They were very respectable positions, but they were not suited to me. I could never really wrap my head around those Proto Levels. Still, coming to this district was always immensely pleasurable.
“When do you ever do anything that doesn’t relate back to you proving some kind of point?” Nuju asked.
Since we formally parted ways as student and teacher, I have been involved in a large number of research projects.
... he never smiled or made it seem like he was actually trying to say something funny.
Nuju sighed and rolled his eyes. “Typical. The Onu-Matoran get too much attention as they do with those constant expansions to their Archive.
.... so I have devised a better way to relate my thoughts.

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

 

 

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A friend of mine spotted another minor grammatical mistake.

The Vahki commander turned and barked an order at its comrades, and immediately, the other Keerakh turned to the other Ko-Matoran and began shoeing them off.
Shoeing should actually be shooing.Since I'm now aware that I cannot make corrections without a Judge's permission (apologies for my earlier ignorance again), may I have permission to make the correction? Edited by Mersery

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

 

 

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A friend of mine spotted another minor grammatical mistake.
The Vahki commander turned and barked an order at its comrades, and immediately, the other Keerakh turned to the other Ko-Matoran and began shoeing them off.
Shoeing should actually be shooing.Since I'm now aware that I cannot make corrections without a Judge's permission (apologies for my earlier ignorance again), may I have permission to make the correction?
You have my permission.

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  • 2 weeks later...

An enjoyable read, this. I like how you capture a smaller part of BIONICLE's setting and show a bit of what, exactly, the Ko-Matoran would be found doing on Metru Nui. :)

 

Thanks. :D

 

Also, another small correction to make:

 

outside massive window that looked out onto the frozen district of Ko-Metru.

 

Should be, "the massive window." May I have permission to correct that and the earlier typo I discovered?

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

 

 

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The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

 

An enjoyable read, this. I like how you capture a smaller part of BIONICLE's setting and show a bit of what, exactly, the Ko-Matoran would be found doing on Metru Nui. :)

 

Thanks. :D

 

Also, another small correction to make:

 

 

outside massive window that looked out onto the frozen district of Ko-Metru.

 

 

Should be, "the massive window." May I have permission to correct that and the earlier typo I discovered?

 

-----------------------------

 

Authorized. :)

 

Also, I have a couple more that you can fix.

 

Had my back not been turned, my pupil would have been able to see my expression, but since he couldn’t, only I could truly appreciate.
--------------------------

 

Should be " Had my back not been turned, my pupil would have been able to see my expression, but since he couldn’t, only I could truly appreciate it."

 

He had become his friend, an intellectual peer.
---------------------------

 

Since the narrative is in first-person, should be "He had become my friend, an intellectual peer." I doubt Nuju would become friends with himself.

 

Aside from that, I really like this story - the Memory Crystal was pretty cool, I didn't even know that existed, so good job doing your homework. :)

Edited by fishers64
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The Memory Crystal’s potential goes far beyond that of a mere data storage tool; it can be used to record entire biographies and records of entire lives with the painstaking effort of carving letters on tablets.

 

 

The 'with' should be without. I am not a judge, so you'll have to get permission from a judge to edit that.

Edited by Willess12

On 9/29/2014, Greg Farshtey said:

 

"Just wanted to say a quick something --

 

A lot of you guys are BIONICLE fans, many from way back. It's no secret that you are some of the smartest, most loyal, and most dedicated fans out there. You, and you alone, have carried the torch for the line over the last four years. Hopefully, you will feel rewarded for your efforts by 2015 BIONICLE.

 

Regardless, I wanted to take this opportunity to say that I am really proud to be associated with you, and you should be really proud of yourselves"

 

Ordinarily, I don't do quotes, but this is special.

Fire Ice Water Stone Earth Air... I mean Jungle.
 
Bionicle: The Legacy Hero An attempt to put some magic back into Bionicle.

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The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge (now):

 

 

The Memory Crystal’s potential goes far beyond that of a mere data storage tool; it can be used to record entire biographies and records of entire lives with the painstaking effort of carving letters on tablets.

 

 

The 'with' should be without. I am not a judge, so you'll have to get permission from a judge to edit that.

-------------------------------------------------------------

After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry this has taken so long. I had my review of your entry almost fully typed up two weeks but then I clicked the wrong button on a windows update that restarted the computer, and then I got lazy... :PAnywho...

 

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

Many grammar things, and just one important but tiny storyline error plus a few questionable details; everything easily fixed. A very nice entry, one of the most "intense in psychology rather than action" entries in any canon contest that I recall, tackling that age old mystery; how to change a stubborn mind. :) Having had quite a lot of experience myself in that area, I can report that you've done an excellent job portraying it, and I hope the voters agree.

 

I especially liked your implying of the way Nuju originally got the idea for Mt. Ihu to be named after his mentor, and the conversation about the Kanoka. I dunno if you noticed, but as a logician / seasoned debater, I think if I was Ihu, I would have pointed out that Nuju's reasoning contradicted his conclusion, as he several times appealed to things he knows about the past to make his case. I like it best as is, though, with Ihu not apparently consciously noticing it, as a story is best when focusing on emotion rather than logic, in general, and Ihu is, of course, not me. The end was quite clever too, and with a memorable lesson to it all.

 

 

 

 

Those were the first words of complaint I remember Nuju saying to me as he sat his first lesson with me."sat his first lesson" is awkward, not sure what to change it to, though.The information is roughly 4,000 years oldI looked up the timeline on this, and it appears it clearly cannot work. BS01 says:

The technology to develop Kanoka was first invented in the Ko-Metru Knowledge Towers around 4,000 years ago.
You may have glanced at this page and just grabbed that number. But we have to subtract over 1000 from it because "ago" means, before the story present, so you have to account for the Dark Time and Great Cataclysm. And you have to subtract an unknown amount of time between the GC and Ihu's death, and then again some amount of time between that and Ihu taking on Nuju as a student.I strongly advise avoiding the issue and saying "The information is hundreds of years old." Still a long time from our human perspective and giving plenty of time for new methods to be divised, but easily avoiding running into a timing contradiction. And I also don't advise pinning down exactly when entries take place, in general.I smiled at my new student courtesy.Something seems to be missing from this sentence.I am no common student; If I wasDon't capitalize after a semi-colon. In this case I recommend making it a period; I think it would flow best that way.Regardless of what you think Kanoka studies are not relevant fields to the scholars of the future.Advise comma after "think". As it is, when I read it at first I thought it was "Regardless of what you think Kanoka studies are, they're not that" or the like.Every Ko-Matoran knows that making difference to our societyEvery Ko-Matoran knows that making a difference to our societyOur society is built upon by the past.This might be what you meant to say but I suspect you meant "built upon the past".There is just as much importance on the past as there is on the future.Not sure "on" is the best preposition to use in those two phrases. In?I had called upon to lecture in Ga-MetruI had been called upon to lecture in Ga-Metruhad caused many to perceive me as a bit of a… maverick, so to speak.Seems odd, both to have him use this word, and to pause as if trying to think of it, considering Nuju just used it. And it's redundant for the reader. I would avoid having him think of a descriptive label for himself and instead describe the reactions of others to his oddness. That "however" implies that there's something bad coming, and when all you do is repeat that he's a maverick, that alone doesn't really seem inconsistent with his being so popular; mavericks often are in real life, because they stand out.The atmosphere was cold and apart from the mechanical chirping sounds of the nearby Vahki drones that flooded the room, not a word had been said.Did you mean the atmosphere was cold literally? Considering it's in the context of no words being said, and relief that no gossip was going to happen, implies emotional coldness, but just to say the atmosphere was cold in Ko-Metru can be taken literally too easily if so.Also, recommend comma after cold, because at first I thought it said that the atmosphere was cold, and the atmosphere was also apart.The Vahki squad leader, clearly of the Keerakh variety split off from the restThe Vahki squad leader, clearly of the Keerakh variety, split off from the restBeside it, stood the relaxed form of NujuBeside it stood the relaxed form of Nujubut despite this, I always found it"but" and "despite this" are redundant; recommend simply:but I always found itunnerving to see this aimless driftersSomething's off here...I wish to be that there is no lasting damageRecommend:I wish there to be no lasting damageWe strode past several the rooms of prophecy, ancient centers of learning and various laboratories.We strode past several rooms of prophecy, ancient centers of learning, and various laboratories.notify me on what had happenednotify me of what had happeneda brash cool dudeword filter got ya. ;) Recommend "fool".It was subtle of course, like the ripples in a pond when you chucked in a pebble, but the effects were.Methinks you missed a word at the end.From being his most defiant student to his most avid listener, Nuju had become more than just another pupil.I think you lapsed into third person here.Next time, I should take to see the musicians in Le-MetruNext time, I should take you to see the musicians in Le-Metruthe Great Spirit did not lie out all this beauty before usthe Great Spirit did not lay out all this beauty before usThat's the form for when there's a direct object; in this case "all this beauty".you’re Destiny is your ownyour Destiny is your own"Your" is possessive; it's his destiny. "You're" is the contraction of "you are", so you said "You are Destiny".without a hint distractionwithout a hint of distractionArriving at me observatoryUnless this is Pirate Ihu, "my". :PI smiled back to him as we walked up and shook each other’s hand.Matoran Universe characters "fist bump" rather than shaking hands. You could phrase it like this:I smiled back to him as we walked up and tapped fists together.I’m getting a bit too old to continue mentoring new scholars.I'd cut this. They age so slowly, a difference of what can only be less than 3000 years (due to the Kanoka reference) is highly unlikely to make any noticeable difference. After all, Takua is the oldest Matoran and he's still full of spunk in MOL, at least a thousand years after this. And the next sentence answers Nuju's question well enough anyways.so I haven’t ran out of interesting workso I haven’t run out of interesting workYour telescope had been deactivated to conserve power. Ko-Matoran rarely deactivate their telescopes unless they are leaving for long periods of time.Hrm... Is this referring to a computer-like readout function similar to that seen in MNOG in the Great Telescope, I presume? I don't see why they wouldn't deactivate them to save power when not using them normally. Perhaps change to a lens cap was put on, that is normally not bothered with unless they're leaving.and You know what those attendants are likeand you know what those attendants are likeAs I began to make my way towards the door, Nuju rose and moved to block me, grabbing my hand and shaking it firmly.Given that they don't shake hands, I'd consider cutting the blocking too, or have him hold up a fist and Ihu respond.Though these memoirs on my tutoring of dear Nuju"on" should be "of", although then it would be redundant with the "of" already there. Consider rephrasing the whole part.
I could never really [w]rap my head around those Proto Exams
I personally have no problem with you saying how the Ga-Metru exams are called. However, it would be worth asking the contest hosts if it is alright to do something like this, as I'm not 100% sure.
It's fine with me. I was somewhat confused by what you changed this to, "Proto Levels"; I wasn't certain what was being measured into levels, and I assumed it had to do with levels of liquid protodermis in tanks during purification. :P I see now it isn't. I'd just change it back to exams. The rules do say you can define minor things like this. After all, from the context it's left open to interpretation as to how widespread these are. Implying they were universal would be a problem, but as it was, should be fine.

The Destiny of Bionicle (chronological retelling of Bionicle original series, 9 PDFs of 10 chapters each on Google Drive)Part 1 - Warring with Fate | Part 2 - Year of Change | Part 3 - The Exploration Trap | Part 4 - Rise of the Warlords | Part 5 - A Busy Matoran | Part 6 - The Dark Time | Part 7 - Proving Grounds | Part 8 - A Rude Awakening | Part 9 - The Battle of Giants

My Bionicle Fanfiction  (Google Drive folder, eventually planned to have PDFs of all of it)

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Thanks for the feedback, bonesii. Many of those mistakes are borne from the fact that I wrote this entry in the last few days of the contest and didn't have time to thoroughly examine it. Now that you mention it, I probably should've had Ihu point out that Nuju was relying on information from the past to make his deductions. Would've made for an interesting moment, but alas, I can't add new scenes to this story. May I have permission to correct things you pointed out?

Edited by Fezmaster

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

 

 

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Yes, a judge posting about issues equals permission to edit for those things. :)

The Destiny of Bionicle (chronological retelling of Bionicle original series, 9 PDFs of 10 chapters each on Google Drive)Part 1 - Warring with Fate | Part 2 - Year of Change | Part 3 - The Exploration Trap | Part 4 - Rise of the Warlords | Part 5 - A Busy Matoran | Part 6 - The Dark Time | Part 7 - Proving Grounds | Part 8 - A Rude Awakening | Part 9 - The Battle of Giants

My Bionicle Fanfiction  (Google Drive folder, eventually planned to have PDFs of all of it)

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All errors have been corrected, along with a couple of other typos I spotted on the way. In regards to the Proto Exams, I decided to reach a compromise and call them Proto Level examinations. :P

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

 

 

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Finally did a proper read through myself. I hope these may be final changes, but there might still be a few things I've missed.

 

------

 

"I turned away from him and walked across my observatory, coming to stop outside the massive window that looked out onto the frozen district of Ko-Metru."

 

I think I meant to write, "near the massive window" rather than "outside..." Unless Nuju can walk through glass and levitate. But I wouldn't bend canon THAT much. :P

 

"It cannot guide us the future.” - I believe it should be, "It cannot guide us to our future.”

 

" My tendency to place as much value on the past as I did on the future had caused many to comment that I was a tad eccentric." I feel the word 'yet' should be put at the beginning.

 

"“I suppose that would explain a great many, Nuju," - should be "great many things."

 

"... you’d be a little be able to see things from a different perspective.” - I'm surprised this line hasn't been brought up by someone else before, unless somebody did and I accidentally overlooked it :P. May I change it to something along the lines of, "... you’d be a little more willing to see things from a different perspective.”

 

"... but I always found it unnerving to see these aimless drifters in the silent streets of Ko Metru." - I can see what bonesii was saying about this sentence earlier sounding a bit off. At first, I thought it was because I had 'this' instead of 'these,' but perhaps what I need to do is slightly elaborate on the aimless drifters part. May I change it to something like, "... these drifters borne of the staff wander aimlessly in the street of Ko Metru"?

 

".... I’m surprised they were willing to escort you back to my Knowledge Tower and notify me of what had happened. What you did there was downright stupid!” - There's nothing grammatically wrong with this sentence (at least to me), but I feel there may be an inconsistency I overlooked. At the beginning, I stated Ihu was in a Tower of Thought, then say in this statement it's his Knowledge Tower. I'm not entirely sure if it was stated scholars could take up residence in a ToT, but even if they were, I doubt Ihu would be so vain as to call it his Knowledge Tower. Perhaps it call all be cleared up if I say, "this Knowledge Tower." Thoughts?

 

Accusing any Ko-Matoran of being stupid was a great offense, to say the least. - maybe remove the comma?

 

"... Your genius will take you far in your future career, but things like this will not do anything for you!" - I feel I need to be more specific and say, "any favours for you" (well.... favors, since I assume I have to write this in American English :P).

 

"... with the orange lights joining them in the retreat." - Feel it should be "their" to avoid confusion.

 

"Since the incident with the Vahki, Nuju had begun to mellow somewhat, with his impatience and stubbornness fading somewhat." I shouldn't use the word somewhat twice in the same sentence. Perhaps replace the second one with, "to some degree"?

 

"He was still a razor-sharp critic, who analysed everything that crossed his desk..." I feel I need to add, "with intense scrutiny" to emphasise the point. Otherwise the sentence doesn't make sense, because all Ko-Matoran analyse the stuff that crosses their desks.

 

"... the city’s greatest spiritual and learning hub." - Something feels wrong with that.

 

"... staring out at the orange sun holes." - Not sure Ihu knew they were Sun Holes. Maybe just say suns.

 

“When do you ever do anything that doesn’t relate back to you trying to prove a point of some kind?” - this can be simplified to, “When do you ever do anything that doesn’t relate back to a point you are trying to prove?”

 

“And what would that be?” - In the context, I felt it should've been, "and what would that one thing be?"

 

“The amount of stress you put me under sometime..." - needs to be sometimes.

 

"A group of Archivists want me to partake as a guest speaker." - Maybe reword that as, " A group of Archivists want me to sit as a guest speaker in public talk."

 

"it can be used to record entire biographies and records of entire lives." - Again, I repeat a word unnecessarily in the same sentence. Maybe replace the second 'record' with "first-hand accounts of entire lives."

 

"no reason for my colleagues to intervene on me using the crystal in such a way." - Something's off. Maybe. "... no reason for my colleagues to intervene because of my unusual usage of this crystal."

 

" - my tutoring of Nuju simply being a smaller section of a much larger piece of work -" Alter it to, "is simply a smaller section etc."

 

--------

 

 

Aaaaaand those are all of my corrections. Quite a lot. I recommend a judge who has time on their hands to go through them. Hopefully, this should be the last batch. :P

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

 

 

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Yes, you have permission for all that. :) To some specifics:

 

Accusing any Ko-Matoran of being stupid was a great offense, to say the least. - maybe remove the comma?

Either way works; I'll leave it up to you.

 

You don't have to use American English. (This has come up before; whichever version you use natively is fine.)

 

 

"... the city’s greatest spiritual and learning hub." - Something feels wrong with that.

Seems fine to me. :shrugs:

 

"... staring out at the orange sun holes." - Not sure Ihu knew they were Sun Holes. Maybe just say suns.

Dunno how I didn't catch that. Of course you're right, he wouldn't know that. He'd just say suns.

The Destiny of Bionicle (chronological retelling of Bionicle original series, 9 PDFs of 10 chapters each on Google Drive)Part 1 - Warring with Fate | Part 2 - Year of Change | Part 3 - The Exploration Trap | Part 4 - Rise of the Warlords | Part 5 - A Busy Matoran | Part 6 - The Dark Time | Part 7 - Proving Grounds | Part 8 - A Rude Awakening | Part 9 - The Battle of Giants

My Bionicle Fanfiction  (Google Drive folder, eventually planned to have PDFs of all of it)

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All corrections made. Also, slightly re-worded one sentence to, "Typical. The Onu-Matoran's work gets more attention than it deserves, especially with all those constant expansions to their Archives."

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Right, after having this proof-read one final time, I have a final bunch of corrections, revisions and grammar fixes (said this before, but I guarantee this'll be the last XD). This'll probably count as my final major revision to my entry, so here goes.

 

----

 

"Those were the first words of complaint I remember Nuju saying to me...." should be, "words of complaint that I remember..."

 

"However, there was a catch with undertaking Nuju as a student. There always is in these sorts of things, I suppose." I feel it would be better worded as, "taking on Nuju as a student." Also, the second sentence is more suitable if it is conjoined to the previous one. "... taking on Nuju as a student -there always is in these sorts of things, I suppose.

 

"Despite his intellectual brilliance he was said to be... impatient. Always said to be in a hurry." Probably better as, "... impatient and always said to be in a hurry."

 

"I took no offense to the gesture..." If I'm going to remain consistent with the choice to use British English in this story, then it should be offence.

 

"But Nuju's eyes gleamed with more the just intellectual frustration and hunger, they glowed with disappointment." Small corrections here. Should be "gleamed more than just..." also instead of using a comma to separate the line, ".... and hunger, they glowed with disappointment," there should be a colon.

 

"The information is hundreds of years old," Nuju grumbled. "In those years, scores of mask makers have proposed new and better ways to create Kanohi." - instead of "In those years," it should be "Since those years." Sounds more suiting.

 

"And what do those mask makers base their improvements off of?" I always felt a bit iffy with how I worded the last part of that line. How about "... base their improvements on?"

 

"I smiled at my new student courteously, despite the icy glares he gave me that seemed as sharp as a dagger." Based on the way I said "the icy glares," perhaps it should be "seemed as sharp as daggers" rather than, "as sharp as a dagger."

 



"Why am I studying this anyway?" he demanded, his head fiercely." The line is missing a word here. How about, "shaking his head fiercely."?

 

"To prove to you that great advancements in Matoran culture do not solely rely on stargazing or deciphering cryptic puzzles." Slight addition to the beginning of the sentence: "You study this to prove to you that great advancements in Matoran culture do not solely rely on stargazing or deciphering cryptic puzzles."

 

"... though with the stainless reflective metals being bathed under the dying evening light, the room seemed like an artistic setting." I feel it would be better worded as, "the room seemed to look like an artistic setting."

 

"But without the lessons of the past, how will we be able to adapt to the future?" Minor tweak. "But without learning the lessons of the past, how will we be able to adapt to the future?"

 

"... but it would be up to Nuju to accept it and do the most important thing a Ko-Matoran could possible do: listen." Should be possibly instead of possible. :P

 

"
I recall standing in the lobby of one of the Metru's innermost Towers of Thought." I feel it is better as, "I was standing in the lobby..."

 

"it was almost relieving to know the nearby scholars were bound by silence," instead of relieving, I feel it should be "almost a relief to know..."

 

"... he had attempted to dethrone me of my respectable standing, like many of my peers had when I myself was a young Seer, but I simply proved too well versed in my field of expertise to truly depose." May I reword that as: "he had attempted to undermine my respectable standing, like many of my peers had when I myself was a young Seer, but I simply proved to be too well versed in my field of expertise to be undermined by a young upstart."?

 

"Many times over, Nuju had presented me hours of work that I had dismissed with the wave of my hand," I feel this sentence could be expanded a bit at the end. Perhaps: "Many times over, Nuju had presented me hours of work that I had dismissed with the wave of my hand, which further fuelled his irritation."?

 

"
I approached the group of Vahki, keeping a weary eye on the various scholars that encircled them..." Should be wary rather than weary.

 

"Instead it broke itself from it motionless state and left the Tower along with its squadron, and within mere seconds, they vanished into the blizzard outside. " No comma needed after the word 'squadron.'

 

"A short pause ensued, and an almost sinister silence filled in the blank." The comma after 'ensued' is not needed.

 

"...but I always found it unnerving to see these drifters borne of the staff wander aimlessly in the street of Ko Metru." Should be streets.

 

"We strode past several rooms of prophecy, ancient centers of learning and various laboratories." Again, for consistency, it should be centre.

 

"Nuju was silent. Accusing any Ko-Matoran of being stupid was a great offense, to say the least." Same reasoning as the above one. Should be 'offence.'

 

"... many Ga-Matoran teachers had asked me to do lectures, and had more than once offered me a position at the schools there." Again, no need for a comma after the word 'lectures.'

 

"... followed by a tour of the jaw-dropping Great Temple (a place that made even the most emotionally-detached individuals feel in awe) and an expedition along the coastline of the water region via a business called Macku’s Canoes." Perhaps the line about Macku's Canoes should be split into a completely off from the rest of the sentence to be it's own line Perhaps. "We then went on an expedition along the coastline of the water region via a business called Macku’s Canoes."?

 

"At times, one must simply appreciate what life offers we simple Matoran." Probably better as: "At times, one must simply appreciate what life offers us simple Matoran."



 

"I also notice you have redecorated your observatory since the last time we visited one another. I don't like it." Should be "noticed."

 

"Your most important intellectual properties are not present on your desks. Implications: They have been stored somewhere." Another minor rewording. I feel it should be: "Your most important intellectual properties are not present on your desks. The implication is that they have been stored somewhere."

 

-----

 

And that should be my last batch of corrections. May I make them?

Edited by Fezmaster

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

 

 

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Permission granted, but some disagreements:

 

"To prove to you that great advancements in Matoran culture do not solely rely on stargazing or deciphering cryptic puzzles." Slight addition to the beginning of the sentence: "You study this to prove to you that great advancements in Matoran culture do not solely rely on stargazing or deciphering cryptic puzzles."

Since it's in speech I feel this one is unneeded. Up to you though.

"... he had attempted to dethrone me of my respectable standing, like many of my peers had when I myself was a young Seer, but I simply proved too well versed in my field of expertise to truly depose." May I reword that as: "he had attempted to undermine my respectable standing, like many of my peers had when I myself was a young Seer, but I simply proved to be too well versed in my field of expertise to be undermined by a young upstart."?

I dunno, I like it better the more poetic way. :P I thought that was one of the best lines. Keep it methinks. :P

Perhaps: "Many times over, Nuju had presented me hours of work that I had dismissed with the wave of my hand, which further fuelled his irritation."?

Maybe overexplaining.

"Instead it broke itself from it motionless state and left the Tower along with its squadron, and within mere seconds, they vanished into the blizzard outside. " No comma needed after the word 'squadron.'

I also notice the second "it" should be "its".

"Your most important intellectual properties are not present on your desks. Implications: They have been stored somewhere." Another minor rewording. I feel it should be: "Your most important intellectual properties are not present on your desks. The implication is that they have been stored somewhere."

I like it better with the colon and shorter (therefore more striking) form, but (not sure; I forget the context) maybe it should be implication, singular not plural?

The Destiny of Bionicle (chronological retelling of Bionicle original series, 9 PDFs of 10 chapters each on Google Drive)Part 1 - Warring with Fate | Part 2 - Year of Change | Part 3 - The Exploration Trap | Part 4 - Rise of the Warlords | Part 5 - A Busy Matoran | Part 6 - The Dark Time | Part 7 - Proving Grounds | Part 8 - A Rude Awakening | Part 9 - The Battle of Giants

My Bionicle Fanfiction  (Google Drive folder, eventually planned to have PDFs of all of it)

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  • 2 weeks later...

"When do you ever do anything that doesn’t relate back to a point you are trying to prove?”Nuju asked. It was a rhetorical question."

My eyes trailed off over his shoulder as I thought of a response.

"I've been participating in some fairly big science projects. Many value my comprehensive knowledge on the prophecies, so I haven't run out of interesting work just yet. However, I have been relegating myself to smaller works."

 

The first of these quotes should have a quotation mark before "rhetorical." The second of these quotes should have a space between those two paragraphs.

 

This was an altogether touching story. You wrote the dynamic between Ihu and Nuju quite well, demonstrating the contrast between their two personalities perfectly. Granted, as we know little about Ihu from canon sources, you were mostly free to come up with your own characterization of him, though I thought that it was well done. I also liked the line about Nuju naming something after Ihu. Foreshadowing, no? The pacing was well written, the three parts and the epilogue of your story meshing together excellently. One thing I took as a sort of throwaway joke was the ludicrous number of tablets that Nuju had carved out during his and Ihu's excursion to Ga-Metru. If you were being serious, well, I don't know what to say.

 

I wish you luck in the contest, sir, and happy trails.

 

Sincerely, :akaku: X-Ray :akaku:

Edited by X-Ray

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
- Ecclesiastes 4:12

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Thanks for your kind words. As for the number of tablets, I doubt I paid it much thought at the time, though I probably wasn't being serious. Given the context, I probably wrote it as a joke. After all, how does one carve up that many tablets in such a short space of time? I doubt there would be many people who could write that many pages in real life on paper in that amount of time. :P

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

 

 

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  • 6 months later...

I dunno if you noticed, but as a logician / seasoned debater, I think if I was Ihu, I would have pointed out that Nuju's reasoning contradicted his conclusion, as he several times appealed to things he knows about the past to make his case. I like it best as is, though, with Ihu not apparently consciously noticing it, as a story is best when focusing on emotion rather than logic, in general, and Ihu is, of course, not me.

 

 

Should've asked this a while back (since I'm not sure if I'll get a reply, based on how long this topic's been dead :P).

 

Just wondering, is it alright if I incorporate the idea I've quoted above into my entry? It wouldn't be a major addition or rewrite; it'd just be a line or two of Ihu making an quiet observation to himself. Alternatively (like bonesii said), this change might seem a bit unnecessary to the story, so it might be completely unneeded. I'm surprised I didn't think of this idea when I originally wrote it, but are these stories set in stone when they are submitted?

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

 

 

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That's a small enough edit that if you think you can make it work, I'm fine with it. It is plausible to say that it could be corrective, as Ihu might actually say something like that. I would not approve general style changes just for their own sake, though, to be clear. The only reason I didn't call it a definite problem was possible story considerations beyond mere plausibility, but really Ihu probably should have thought of it, to make the story fit canon better. It's something I would leave up to you whether you want to change or not.

The Destiny of Bionicle (chronological retelling of Bionicle original series, 9 PDFs of 10 chapters each on Google Drive)Part 1 - Warring with Fate | Part 2 - Year of Change | Part 3 - The Exploration Trap | Part 4 - Rise of the Warlords | Part 5 - A Busy Matoran | Part 6 - The Dark Time | Part 7 - Proving Grounds | Part 8 - A Rude Awakening | Part 9 - The Battle of Giants

My Bionicle Fanfiction  (Google Drive folder, eventually planned to have PDFs of all of it)

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  • 9 months later...

*allows self to double post :P *

 

As it appears all problems have been fixed, I'm calling this good to go to the polls, although technically by the rules it would need two more judge approvals (if we had stayed on schedule :P). However, the author is still invited to make edits to fix anything further that's brought up and approved for editing by a judge. If the entry wins we can worry about making any further edits with special approval then.

The Destiny of Bionicle (chronological retelling of Bionicle original series, 9 PDFs of 10 chapters each on Google Drive)Part 1 - Warring with Fate | Part 2 - Year of Change | Part 3 - The Exploration Trap | Part 4 - Rise of the Warlords | Part 5 - A Busy Matoran | Part 6 - The Dark Time | Part 7 - Proving Grounds | Part 8 - A Rude Awakening | Part 9 - The Battle of Giants

My Bionicle Fanfiction  (Google Drive folder, eventually planned to have PDFs of all of it)

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Well, Mata Nui does!

 

tn_The_Legend_Reborn_Review-08.jpg

 

(I swear, I will leap at any chance I get to use that image...)

  • Upvote 3
"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
-- Harlan Ellison

 

 

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