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The Herald - Review Topic


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5 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Lewa Krom

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 10:49 AM

"Take up the mantle you once wore in denial.Herald of the Seventh Toa, serve us once more."-Turaga Vakama

The Herald tells the tale of Jaller and Takanuva in the present day Spherus Magna. This epic serves many purposes to me. It shall prove to me whether or not I'm able to finish an epic, but it also will allow for me to take a closer look at a relationship I've been wanting to see. Plus a battle that I'm mad Greg hasn't brought into the storyline.Disclaimer: I'm sorry to say, but I do not have time to read the epics and stories of everyone who reviews this. Please don't read this with the intention of me reviewing your stuff, but read it for pure enjoyment.Happy Reading,Lewa Krom

THE HERALD


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Keep in mind that if Star Trek fans had, as a group, said, "No point in talking about this anymore, it's never going to come back," it never WOULD have come back.
-- Greg Farshtey


#2 Offline Allanon Loke

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 11:59 AM

Great start. I always liked reading about Jaller and Takua/Takanuva's relationship, kind of like a big brother-little brother relationship. I look forward to reading more.
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My New Story Topic

Dynamics - my new epic. Chapter 1 up. "I am sorry for that, though I have never heard a smell called rude."

#3 Offline Tanma

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Posted Oct 21 2011 - 09:58 AM

...well that was epic. How Jaller doesn't save Takua because he knew that Takua is the Toa of Light but because he is a friend, that was beautiful. I already liked that scene, but this adds so much more weight. I always find it interesting how he died by a Rahkshi of Fear, which goes against his people's principle of courage. And in facing this overwhelming fear without a second thought, Jaller discovered the identity of the Toa of Light. Something in this prologue touches me, I can't wait to see the rest.
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Posted ImageBZPRPG Characters
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"Danger is the anvil on which trust is forged"-Jaller(Jala)
"We're on our own here-like we've always been-and we'll stand or fall on our own"-Tanma
"He may seem slow and strange to you, but his simple words often carry a hidden wisdom"-Turaga Vakama on Kapura

#4 Offline fishers64

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Posted Nov 28 2011 - 09:46 PM

I'm glad to see this epic back. More chapters, please.
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#5 Offline LewatheChickenNuggets

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Posted Dec 01 2011 - 12:56 PM

A replay of one of the most classic scene of the movies, hm? I am impressed, but I felt it could be furtherher emphasize the sensational feelings of the two. Otherwise, good luck to complete a task we both failed. Finishing an epic. XD
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#6 Offline Steelsheen

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Posted Sep 04 2012 - 10:59 PM

ECC Charity Review:

Lewa Krom,Sadly, there is only one post of what I assume was planned to be an epic covering the friendship of Jaller and Takua/Takanuva. I wish you had posted more of this, because one thing you are good it is getting inside a character's head and running through all their emotions. I didn't even really mind that the chapter you posted had no original story in it. Of course, I assume you were meaning to write some original scenes later, but never got around to it. It's a shame, because I think your angle really has potential. There's just a few things I would recommend tweaking before you do a reboot.First thing, take a look at your paragraphs. These are meant to be sentence "buddies"; ideas that like to hang out together, because they're similar. A new paragraph is not a substitute for an ellipsis (which is ...). If you need a pause in the reader's mind, have the actual narration pause, not break. Here's a good example.

Fear was everywhere.Fear was in the shadows – the shadows that were cast both upon the physical world as well as upon his own mind.Fear was in his fellow Matoran – Matoran who were relying on him to complete his mission and restore light to their lives.

All of these sentences are "buddies"; similar or related ideas, so they belong in the same paragraph. Do you see? It's easy, when you know what you're looking for. I realize you have a different writing style, but think of the paragraph rule like a sonnet. A sonnet is a very strict form of poetry; everything has to follow the rules exactly, or it simply isn't a sonnet. But at the same time, that sonnet can talk about anything you want it to. Your writing is like that - there are some rules to follow if you want it to be good, but within those parameters, you can make it uniquely yours.The second thing to do is look for simple errors that detract from your story.

Takua, the true Herald of the Seventh Toa - unique in every definition of the word...

I think you mean "unique by every definition of the word".

... with not the power to prevent it, only to avenge it.

With no power to prevent it.

Jaller was hurled through the air, the Turahk hissing in victory. Jaller watched dimly as he felt the effects of the Rahkshi of Fear’s staff course through his entire being.

The imagery is pretty slapdash and redundant here. I think you mean to say that Jaller's sight dimmed, not "he watched dimly"; that would mean he wasn't very smart. Both sentences feel disjointed and awkward. You might try rewriting it something along these lines:Jaller was hurled through the air as the Turahk hissed in triumph. His sight dimmed as he felt the fear energy course through his entire body.

... hearing not a sound – not even that of air rushing past his ears.

Corrected-Not even the air rushing past his ears.

The Ta-Matoran noted the slowing of his pulse. There were other signs as well – the sputtering of his heartlight, the struggle to draw air into his lungs.

Seriously? The guy is dying and in pain - I highly doubt he's going to take his own pulse and notice it's slowing down. You might try saying that he noticed the pulse in his ears slowing or that he felt his muscles straining for oxygen.

His collision with the ground made his swiftly approaching fate final, a sharp gasp of air rushing to fill his struggling lungs.

Again, it's very disjointed and jerky, as well as over described. It's we're seeing the whole scene in super slow motion. I realize it's an emotionally charged moment, and that you want the drama to come across, but you are sadly convoluting your own writing.

From this point on, Jaller could do little to seek out the Seventh Toa. The legendary hero would make himself known now or the Toa of Light would never come.

Jaller is dying; we kind of figured he wouldn't be up for an island-wide search. The funeral pace of the action is not helping me to feel for Jaller. Think of your story as a movie playing in the reader's mind. You wouldn't watch a real movie if it was all slow motion, would you? The same principle applies to writing. You need to make it interesting, keep the action flowing. It doesn't take five minutes for Jaller to cling to the staff, get thrown to the ground and die. The suddenness of it is part of what makes his death so horrifying.

The Mask of Light casted shadows upon the blue Pakari of the Matoran who clutched the mask – the hope of all Matoran - in his hands.

Cast shadows, not casted.

Sometimes you have to slow down and notice the little details in life.Sometimes they mean the most.

These sentences seems like they might be better used as Jaller's thoughts instead of narration, given the sudden change in tone. Also, since it is a continuous thought, they should be in the same paragraph.

And he spoke the last words he would speak.

This might be better phrased as "He spoke his last words". Try not to repeat the same words too many times in a sentence; it makes the reader feel bored.Now, like I said at the beginning, I do believe you have a good grasp of how your characters should think. The dialogue itself is, of course, not original, although I do think you missed a chance to put your own spin on it. But with regards to the characters themselves, I just think you write it a bit too clearly. When people experience a rush of pain or emotion (or both), they don't often stop to track and think about what they're feeling. You, as the author, do and should track it. But that doesn't mean the reader needs to - they see the show, the amazing disappearing act. You are the magician, and even though you know how it's all done, you'd never give it all away.So, overall, you have good character development and some technical glitches. Keep writing, learning and improving; you'll be the best writer you can be if you are your own toughest critic.-HH

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