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Wanderlust

karda nui makuta av-matoran wanderlust tyler

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#1 Offline Parks and Rekt

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Posted Jun 22 2012 - 04:58 PM

“Vospula, what are you doing?”The query was a sharp, angry hiss that drilled into her ears immediately, and the Av-Matoran knew instinctively that though the tone was hostile, this was no enemy, nor was it someone who sought to do her harm in any way. No, this was just another Av-Matoran. Just another stupid, scared Av-Matoran who thought he knew better than everyone else did. Well, she would show him, just wait“What does it look like I’m doing, jumping rope?” she replied scathingly, ducking underneath an improvised warning sign: the lettering was written suspiciously in what looked like blood layered over wood.“It looks like you’re trying to climb over the Lightvine!” hissed Merkan, the Av-Matoran who had discovered her; as he drew closer, Vospula could see him clearly reflected inside the soft, enveloping glow of the plant. He was a tall, gaunt looking, alabaster Av-Matoran with red stripes running up and down his body, generally assigned to guard duty by the elders due to his…specific…set of skills. Merkan’s prowess as a warrior was almost as renowned as his cruelty towards the servants of darkness; these servants could range from Makuta to their minions to even disloyal Av-Matoran. He was not someone, Vospula knew, someone that should be trifled with. She had heard the rumors, after all: most of the ones who didn’t know Merkan’s reputation ended up dead or in a medical hut, barely recognizable as anything that was once sentient. “You do know that the Makuta could be out patrolling as we speak, don’t you? This village is a sanctuary, and you taking nighttime strolls is not doing that reputation any favors!”Had she not been so close to the Lightvine, had her outline not been so clearly visible to the guard, Vospula would have scoffed and rolled her eyes. As it was, her body tensed, her fists clenched; she seemed to be readying herself for a fight that both Matoran knew could very well happen. Merkan was standing a fair distance away from the plant, however, shielding his eyes with his hands so as to see her better.“I just need some me time,” she said back, rather more calmly than she intended to sound. “My legs are beginning to fold in upon themselves after being constricted in between these vines so long. It’s impossible to properly let them stretch while confined to the village.”The smoke was almost boiling out of Merkan’s ears as he took in every word she spoke: Vospula could almost see the possible responses flitting through his irises, the bitingly sarcastic or cruel comebacks that she knew he was so used to spitting in the same manner that a Doom Viper spits venom at its foe, waiting for the moment that it can swoop in and wrap itself around its disabled enemy and begin to squeeze the life out of it…“I can’t legally let you go,” he snarled finally, which was not what Vospula expected; at most, the guard would have normally spat threats of dismemberment or imprisonment at her, as was typical of the village guards since the Makuta invaded Karda Nui, but hey. She wasn’t complaining. “But since you annoy me, and you risking yourself out there with the Makuta is an appealing prospect…have a pleasant night.”Merkan gave a bitter smirk – now that was more like him – and began to walk away from Vospula and the Lightvine, and she turned as well, rubbing her hands in glee: she could finally go outside, finally take a walk for herself, allow herself to escape the claustrophobic tendrils of village life for just one night. It had been her dream for months now, and she had to pinch herself once or twice to make sure it wasn’t some kind of sleep-induced hallucination. But no. It wasn’t. She was going outside at last.Slowly, almost timidly, Vospula put one foot over the Lightvine, and immediately, her left leg felt relieved, as though if it had been filled with lead before the vine had drained it out of her system. Reveling in her own internal ecstasy, she stepped over the plant with her other leg; immediately, though she felt truly alive and excited, the warmth of the Lightvine seemed to fade and die, though its glow was still as bright and beautiful as ever. Already, she could feel the darkness creeping through her very being, robbing her of her innate light and beauty. Eager to escape this feeling, she began to take steps away from the village and began to explore the surrounding area.It was easy to lose track of time during the bleak Karda Nui nights, and after what could have only been several hours, Vospula finally decided that it was time to find her way back towards Karda Nui…somehow. Without a Lightvine to help navigate her, or any other source of light beyond her rudimentary Lightstone, the Av-Matoran was totally and completely lost, and for the first time, a flitter of regret passed through her.Maybe this wasn’t the best of ideas…Her musings were cut short as she tripped and stumbled over something cold and hard, and only her quick reflexes managed to help her grab on to it and stop herself from busting her face on the cold, hard ground. Almost immediately, she knew something was wrong. The object, though hardened and chilled by days of exposure to the elements, still felt vaguely…familiar. Sickeningly familiar.Screaming, Vospula realized that it was the blood-stained, mutilated body of Merkan, his face contorted in a final look of righteous fury. Taking her lighstone and lifting it, she immediately realized what had happened: Merkan had been dead for days. The Merkan in the village, the Merkan everyone thought they knew, was some kind of servant of Makuta – no, perhaps even a Makuta itself – was in the village right now, watching and scheming and waiting for the time to strike…A cold, harsh laugh, like the sounds of Rahi fighting each other for dominance over their pack, began to reach Vospula’s ears, and as she spun, she thought she saw a shadow that didn’t seem to blend quite right with the black curtain the night sky cast over the Karda Nui landscape. Vospula suddenly realized she had been tricked, and as she saw the shadow move again, she turned on her heel and began to sprint.

*****

Well, basically, this was a spur of the moment story idea that I got this afternoon and wanted to experiment with: the concept was about going beyond the boundaries of something and learning the consequences of pushing against those boundaries. I'll leave it to you, the reader, to decide how well I did. As always, I do this for you.

Much love!

-Teezy


Edited by #firstworldtyler, Jun 22 2012 - 05:52 PM.

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i'm back boy

for real

i'm that boy

for real

i got hits baby

you just a bat boy

 for real

 


#2 Offline Plague

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Posted Jun 22 2012 - 05:39 PM

Really cool story. Now, if you expanded and made more chapters and such in this, THAT I would read with delight. This is JUST my type of story.
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#3 Offline Voltex

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Posted Jun 22 2012 - 06:05 PM

He was not someone, Vospula knew, someone that should be trifled with.

Just an error I noticed- the second "someone" is redundant. Other than that, wow! I enjoyed the story a lot, and I thought that your descriptions of what Vospula was feeling were spectacular. I think the build up to the discovery of the true Merkan was a little rushed and could have benefited from an extra line or two of description, and I would've liked to have seen Vospula's fate, but other than that it was a very enjoyable read. It was a very quick read too, thus not forcing me to swim through several thousand words of story. So well done on that mark as well.-ibrow

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#4 Offline Parks and Rekt

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Posted Jun 22 2012 - 06:15 PM

He was not someone, Vospula knew, someone that should be trifled with.

Just an error I noticed- the second "someone" is redundant. Other than that, wow! I enjoyed the story a lot, and I thought that your descriptions of what Vospula was feeling were spectacular. I think the build up to the discovery of the true Merkan was a little rushed and could have benefited from an extra line or two of description, and I would've liked to have seen Vospula's fate, but other than that it was a very enjoyable read. It was a very quick read too, thus not forcing me to swim through several thousand words of story. So well done on that mark as well.-ibrow

Haha, thanks for the input, man! I actually addressed the fate of Vospula and the future of the story below, so if you're interested in reading it soon, I might just include her fate in the first chapter of the possible epic. I also see what you meant about Merkan's fate being rushed, but in a situation like that, the realization of what happened would snap together rather quickly, and I tried to convey that by trying to mimic Vospula's thought process and the time it took her to put all the pieces of the puzzle together.

Really cool story. Now, if you expanded and made more chapters and such in this, THAT I would read with delight. This is JUST my type of story.

See, I was considering making the story of the defense of the village in general a small epic that I would start working on after my current project, so I jammed this out and decided that it could serve as a prologue in case people liked it. I might just work on that.Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! It means a lot to me as a writer to know that you enjoyed it.-Teezy

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i'm back boy

for real

i'm that boy

for real

i got hits baby

you just a bat boy

 for real

 


#5 Offline Naina

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Posted Jun 30 2012 - 07:03 PM

I like this. Reads like a thriller and feels like something out of a horror film. It hangs together well and flows smoothly. Nice tight sentence structure, with good economy of words.Only thing, why did Vospula want to leave the village in the first place? Did she think her feeling of claustrophobia more important than security or is she just dumb? :PHope to see some more along this line. (This is going to give me at least two nightmares this week. I hope you're happy. :P)
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~KH~

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I'll take your part

When darkness comes

And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down


#6 Offline Grant-Sud

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Posted Oct 08 2012 - 09:25 PM

I am really really impressed with the way this story ended up and that you didn't end it on certain death for the main character. I like the open ending! The descriptions were well done and I had to sympathize with Vospula. Her feelings of wanting to escape from not only the village but the Makuta and her situation is understandable. It's an interesting idea and the story was gone through well and never dragged.The only thing I didn't see was actually enough of Vospula's thoughts. I wanted to see more of why she was leaving, maybe what she was dealing with every day. Her feelings a brought out just a little but I'd have loved to see more. And I know you can provide those emotions because you are a fantastic writer. Great story. =D
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