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Mata Nui High School


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#1 Offline Jordboy1

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Posted Oct 15 2011 - 01:23 PM

Mata Nui High SchoolChapter 1: "New Students"Chapter 2: "Detention"Chapter 3: "Play Ball!"Chapter 4: "Love Wars!"Chapter 5: "BIONICLE Origins" Part 1Chapter 6: "BIONICLE Origins" Part 2Chapter 7: "The Evil Plan"Chapter 8: "Blind Date"Chapter 9: "Field Trip!"Chapter 10: "Friendship"Chapter 11: "Romeo and Juliet"Chapter 12: "Back To School"Chapter 13: "Substitute Teacher"Chapter 14: "What Is Love?"Chapter 15: "Pohatu!?"Chapter 16: "Double Date"Chapter 17: "New Student"Chapter 18: "....."Chapter 19: "The Sleepover"Chapter 20: "Silence Is White"Chapter 21: "The Paper Route"Chapter 22: "Growing Up"

Chapter 23: "Bad Day"Chapter 21: "The Paper Route"Lewa slowly walked along the trails that ran along the outskirts of Le-Koro. His back ached and his feet felt like they had fallen off fifty miles back. Just when he was about to give up and throw all the papers into a giant lava pit once he reached Ta-Koro, he saw a little figure slowly emerging from the jungle.Lewa: Hey! What-who are you!Wise Turaga: I am an ancient Turaga here to teach you the ways of the Paper Toa.Lewa: But....the only Turaga are the six Turaga of our villages and other ones that I haven't leanred about until Metru Nui is revealed!Wise Turaga: :glare: The wise Turaga looked around and then stood up on the tip of his toes to whisper close to Lewa.Wise Turaga: There once was an ancient Koro named Pa-Koro. It was the great city of paper! Everything was built out of paper. We lived happily and peacefully...until one day, people decided to go "green"...Lewa: Hey! What's wrong with being green?!? Posted ImageWise Turaga: Not that kind of green. Everyone decided that we used up too much of the rescources on Mata Nui...so they took all of our homes, statues, money, everything that was made out of paper, and....and...Lewa: And what!?!?Wise Turaga: RECYCLED IT! :crying:Lewa: How could they DO such a thing!?!?Wise Turaga: I don't know...but you have to have a heart of stone to do something so cold...Lewa: Kopaka....Wise Turaga: No...I don't think it was Kopaka...Lewa: Anyway, what are these "ancient ways" you're here to teach me?Wise Turaga: Long ago, there was a Toa much like you....well, not much like you...but he was a little bit. Anyway, he had the power to control the wind.Lewa: JUST LIKE ME!!!Wise Turaga: Yes....just like you. Anyway, as he delivered the paper every day...it go harder and harder for him to do it. He was reaching the age that most Toa pass away.Lewa: Which is never....Wise Turaga: Actually once a Toa reaches a certain age...it is the duty of all Turaga to plan an assassination so as to make sure that new Toa have an oppurtunity to save the world...or at least an island.Lewa: :mellow:Wise Turaga: As I was saying....he needed something to make his deliveries easier. So, he tapped into his deepest and mightiest wind powers, and sent each paper flying directly to the residence that it was meant for. All at the same time with millions of powerful seperate gusts of wind.Lewa: That's amazing!Wise Turaga: So you must try this yourself, young Toa. Or you'll never get all these papers delivered on time....Lewa: But how!?Wise Turaga: That....is for you, and you alone, to find out.And with that, the Turaga was gone. Lewa stood there stunned, not knowing what to do. How in the several universes, that the Great Beings created, could he find such power within himself? He thought about what gives him the most strength....Gali came to mind. When he was with her, he felt like he could take on the world. He planted his feet firmly on the ground, raised his hands into the air, and prepared to launch all his papers to their intended destinations.Lewa: Wind fly!Suddenly a huge gust of wind raised from the ground and threw Lewa and all the paper into the air. Just as suddenly as they had been brought up though, they all fell back down....into a pond of water that sat a few feet from the trail.Lewa: Oh no! All the paper is gonna be wet-soaked!Lewa thought to himself. Maybe there was a way he could dry the paper off with his powers too...He dragged all the paper out of the pond and layed it all out across the grass. He stepped back and aimed his hands at the paper. He attempted to summon up a small breeze.Lewa: It's no use....I'm a failure with my ability-powers.Just then he felt cool air brush across his finger tips. Was that just his imagination or did he do that? He tried harder. Wind rushed around his hands, swirled about his body, and then ran down his arms and blew over his fingers across all the paper laying on the ground. He was doing it!Lewa: I'm doing it! I actually done-did it!As he got excited he didn't notice the winds picking up and soon pages of the paper were ripping off and flying away into the pond, over the trees, and in every direction. Lewa stopped and sighed.Lewa: This is gonna be a long day...Not far away, Gali watched from behind a tree. She giggled at Lewa. She really wanted to run out and try to help him, but she knew this was something he had to figure out on his own.End of chapter 21.Word count: 816-Jordboy1 :miru:


Edited by Jordboy1, Jan 09 2013 - 02:58 AM.

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#2 Offline Jalina T.T.

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Posted Oct 15 2011 - 05:45 PM

Although I appreciate your attempt to get your comedy going again, I'm not entirely sure that a starting post like this is allowed. You may at least want to post the first chapter in the new forum, just in case. Or, If you feel it's necessary, you could do what some of the older writers are/will be doing and re-write some of the chapters. Either way, you might want to check the rules real quick before your topic accidentally gets closed...
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#3 Offline Jordboy1

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Posted Oct 16 2011 - 12:15 PM

Yeeeaaah, I thought of that after I put it up...'cause I'm smart like that. :PBut yeah, after reading your post I decided I'd better quick finish up the chapter before work today, so iteth be upeth now. -Jordboy1 :miru:
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#4 Offline Toa the kid

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Posted Oct 25 2011 - 09:12 PM

Cool, its back!
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#5 Offline CHTrilogy

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Posted Oct 27 2011 - 12:24 PM

Hurrah! One of my favourite comedies! ^_^
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~ CHTrilogy

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#6 Offline Jordboy1

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Posted Dec 31 2012 - 04:39 AM

Soooooo hey, sorry it's been a while since I wrote my last chapter. :PAnyway, might as well just get rigfht back into it, here goes:Chapter 22: "Growing Up"  Lewa threw himself on top of his bed. It was finally the end of the longest and most tiring day he'd ever been through. BUT! He finally had started to develop very specific control over his powers. Exciting..but right now he was in no mood to be excited-happy. He passed out in a matter of seconds.Lewa awoke the next morning sore. However something was different. He now knew what he should do. He knew he had to pursue the knowledge of his power...but to no longer let people like his boss at the news paper company push him around.Later at school,Gali: You quit?!??!Lewa shut his locker, after grabbing the books he needed for his next classes, and turned to Gali.Lewa: I'm not gonna be the one-only paper delivery Toa on the whole ground-island!! I think he just likes to take control-advantage of me anyway...Gali: Well...I guess I can't argue with that. I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. :)Just then Onua and Pohatu came running up to them.Onua and Pohatu: Guys!!Lewa and Gali stared at them confused.Lewa: What...?Onua: We just got tickets to the "My Protodermis Romance" concert this weekend!Pohatu: It's gonna be aaaHAWsome!Onua: Duuuuude I knooooww!Lewa and Gali just rolled their eyes as they all started to head to their classes. As they were about to enter the classroom Lewa spotted a Turaga he had never seen before speaking to Kopaka farther down the hallway. He wondered what that could be all about, but, before he could think too much about it, Gali grabbed him by the shirt collar that he doesn't have and pulled him into the classroom.Onewa: Alright, class, today we're going to learn about the mathematical formulas used in the popular educational book, "50 Ways to Come Up With 0". Now...there IS going to be a test at the end of the week so listen up good and do your homework!-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Lewa was walking home thinking about thinking about everything he had learned in math class today when he heard Gali running up calling his name.Gali: Lewa! Lewa, wait up!!Lewa turned and waited for Gali. She ran up, stopping to catch her breath, before continuing.Gali: Did you hear?Lewa: Listen-hear what?Gali: About Kopaka. He's been accepted at the Metru Nui Institute for Higher Learning!Lewa: What?? Is that who I saw talk-speaking with him earlier?Gali: It must have been! Ohmygosh, this is so like...exciting! He's always been so smart! Aren't you excited for him too?? I never imagined any of us getting into a college like that!Lewa: Hey, I could get into a university like that too if I wanted to! I'm pretty intelligent-smart.Gali: Of course you are! I'm just saying...Kopaka's always been...that one super smart guy out of all of us. I see him getting a really good job and like everything like that...Lewa: Hey, Gali...I hate to change the subject, but I'm having trouble with a couple problems in my homework.Gali: Which ones?Lewa: 0 x 24, 0 x 86 and 29,847 x 00Gali: Uh...Lewa...Meanwhile, at Pohatu's house,Hahli: All you ever do now is work with Kopaka on that stupid school paper...you never have time for me anymore!Pohatu: Okay...I'm sorry...I'll ask Kopaka if I can have more time with you instead of school and working all the time.Hahli: It's too late, Pohatu....I've had enough of this lately...maybe it's just time for some space for a while.Just then Pohatu's mom called up saying that Kopaka was here to see Pohatu. Pohatu just looked over at Hahli.Hahli: That's it.She got up and left slamming the door...which was opened right back up by Kopaka, who came in and sat down on the bed next to Pohatu.Kopaka: ....Pohatu: On Saturday??Kopaka: ....Pohatu: Can't we write the paper some other day? Why does it have to be Saturday?Kopaka: .....Pohatu: But the concert is Saturday!Kopaka: ....And with that Kopaka got up and left the room.Pohatu: Well today's been great so far...Pohatu's Mom: Pohatu! A package arrived for you!Pohatu: Alright! It's probably the my new electric scooter!Over at Tahu's house,Tahu: Darn it...none of these plans work well with just one person...I NEED to get Gali...but I'll never get anywhere without some chump to do my dirty work for me! Evil masters of planning need side kicks...go to guys who get the job done! Hmmmm...Tahu's Mom: Tahu, your favorite Mickey Rahi and Donald Gukko Bird cartoon is coming on right now!Tahu: Alright, Mom! Be right down!Later that night, Hahli was over at Gali's house talking to her about her relationship with Pohatu.Hahli: I just don't know anymore...he seems like such a good guy...but he never spends any time with me anymore...and he DOES have his history of helping Tahu try to break you and Lewa apart.Gali: But I think he really does care about you, Hahli.Hahli: Yeah..I don't know...I think we just need some space right now...anyway... Have you read that book everyone's been reading at school lately?Gali: Which one??Hahli: 50 Shades of the Toa.Gali: Oooh! The one about how many different colors of Toa there are?Hahli: Yeah!Gali: No I haven't...isn't that kind of a suggestive book for everyone in school to be reading?? I mean it does talk about a lot of...well things about a Toa..and goes into pretty detailed talk about their gears and stuff too.Hahli: Oh come on, Gali...you gotta have some fun once in a while! Don't always be such a good girl!Gali: Haha...I guess...Back at pohatu's house, Pohatu was on the phone with Onua.Pohatu: I dunno...things are pretty terrible right now.Onua: I'll tell you what. Let's go out back and play with our pine cars...race them around the sidewalk a few times. That always makes you feel better!Pohatu: Alright..I dunno if it will, but why not. But...hey! I gotta show you my new scooter first!Onua: Okay! See you outside!Later, after Pohatu grabbed his new scooter, they both met outside in the street.Onua: Wow, that looks pretty cool!Pohatu: Yeah! Wanna take it for a ride quick?Onua: Really? Sure!Pohatu handed the scooter over to Onua who got on and took off at an amazing 4.5 miles an hour.Onua: Whoa! Holy Mata Nui this is fast!Pohatu: I know! I can barely stay on it around the turns!Onua: Let me try it..I'll bet I'm better! ;)Pohatu: Go for it- Hey! Onua, look out!Before Onua could look, he bumped into someone and flew off the scooter, landing on his face. He quickly got up, straightened his mask, and then checked if the stranger was okay.Onua: Hey, I'm really sorry! Are you alright?????: Yeah I'm fine...thanks.The stranger straightened his silk red bow tie.Pohatu: Hey, nice bow tie! It looks pretty expensive.????: Thanks. Bow ties are cool.Then the stranger ran off, leaving Onua staring after him. Pohatu ran up behind him.Pohatu: Hey, are you alright? Did you damage the scooter?Onua: No I think it's okay...and I'm alright...who was that guy??Pohatu: I don't know...but who cares? Let's make sure my scooter is alright!That night, Lewa and Gali sat out on the edge of the wooden platform that Lewa's house sat on. Their legs dangled down and they had a perfect view of the stars through a gap in the trees.Lewa: Hey, Gali...Gali: Yeah, Lewa?He looked over at her. Her head was back, looking up at all the stars. She looked stunning in the soft moonlight that was shining down through the leaves.Lewa: Y'know...you look so pretty-bad in the moonlight...Gali sat upright and looked at him.Gali: What did you just say....?Lewa: I meant adorable-ugly...I- I mean attractive-beautiful!Gali: Oh, Lewa...you're so funny...yet sweet at the same time...I love you.They leaned over and kissed."After all this time, Gali and I finally are happy together. After everything we've been through and all the hard times...I may not have a job or know what I wanna do with my life-death yet...but everything finally seems to be going right-good for me.", Lewa thought to himself.Lewa: Gali?Gali: Yeah, Lew?Lewa: Wanna go to the My Protodermis Romance concert with Onua and Pohatu? I got us two tickets.Gali squealed with excitement.Gali: Oh, Lewa! That's so awesome! Of course! I'd love to!Lewa pulled the tickets out of his back pocket that he doesn't really have.Lewa: Great, 'cause here are our tickets!That weekend at Pohatu's house, Lewa and Gali stood outside waiting for Onua and Pohatu to come out.Gali: What is taking them so long?Lewa: I have no idea-thought.Just then the front door burst open and Onua and Pohatu ran out wearing MPR (My Protodermis Romance) shirts, hats, wristbands, necklaces, shoes, and fake wash off tattoos.Lewa and Gali: :mellow:Onua: Let's go!They all piled into Pohatu's hippy van and headed off to the show. Lewa was trying to get comfortable when he pulled a bag out from under his seat.Lewa: No wonder I couldn't get comfortable...what is this?Pohatu looked back and grabbed the bag from Lewa. He quickly threw it in his glove box.Pohatu: Never mind...it's just my cereal I bring to eat in class.Lewa: Oh, okay!Soon they arrived and they excitedly jumped out of the van and headed inside.Onua: This is gonna be so AWESOME!!Pohatu: Right!??!They both ran off ahead, leaving Lewa and Gali slowly walking behind them. Both hand in hand. Gali rested her head on Lewa's shoulder.Gali: Lewa I love...you know that?Lewa: I love you too, Gali. I'm sorry I quit-left the job you found for me.Gali: That's okay...it didn't really fit you anyway. ..by the way.Lewa: What?Gali: I may or may not have seen you trying to master your air abilities.Lewa: Hey, were you spying on me!?He gave her a teasing look and she giggled.Gali: Noooo. I'm really proud of you though. I just want you to know that.Lewa: Thanks, Gali...that means a lot. :)She kissed him on the cheek and they finally got inside to find their seats.Meanwhile, at a local pub in Le-Koro, Takanuva sat at the counter drinking the strongest drink they had on the whole island...trying to drown his miseries away. He was a new student, had no friends, he never got the girl he tried to go out with, and some how...he had just been forgotten about in the comedy period. He sighed as the last drop rolled out of his glass and plopped onto his tongue (which was green and bumpy from a nasty tongue fungus by the way)Takanuva: I'll have another one.....please.Bar Tending Toa: Oooh...I like a Toa with manners :wub:Takanuva's ears perked up, well...they would have if he had any, and he looked up at her. She was smiling back at him.Back at the concert,Gerard: And this song goes out to all the girls out there...for all of the sexist hate you get for being only blue!Gorast: Hey! Not all of us are blue! Things have changed!Gerard: Ugh...everyone is so modern now...Anyway...here goes. this one's for you, girls!Onua and Pohatu started head banging so hardcore to the song that all the spotlights centered on them.Gali: Wow..they really get into these things don't they?Lewa: Yeah..they're bigger fan boys than anyone I've ever known.Later that night, after the concert ended, Lewa was walking Gali home.Gali: Hey, Lewa...what'cha thinkin' about?Lewa looked up from having just been staring at the ground the whole time as they walked.Lewa: Oh..nothing much...just thinking about how pretty soon we'll all be out of school and graduating..we'll all be growing up.Gali: Well maybe YOU will...I still got two years of high school left!Lewa: Yeah...it'll be Tahu, Kopaka, Pohatu, and I. Class of-Gali: Is that all that's on your mind? I dunno...you just seem kinda troubled.Lewa: Oh...just...just thinking about how we're gonna have to start our lives y'know...like pretty short-soon and all that...y'know?Gali: Yeah...She grabbed his arm and kind of hugged it as she rested her head on his shoulder.Lewa: Gali...She closed her eyes as she let Lewa lead the walk to her house.Gali: Hm?Lewa: I...I think I want-like you to be a part of that life.Gali: Well of course I will, Lewa! We'll still be close even if we don't go to school together!Lewa: I mean...I really like you, Gali. I love you and I can't really see myself being with anyone else. I mean...I even think about growing up and having a home sometimes. Having a nice family...happy with my wife and my own little matoran.Gali looked up at him and smiled.Gali: Lewa...I do too. We shouldn't rush things though. Right now I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather spend the rest of my life with other than you...but we're still in high school and we have so much of our lives left. Let's take things slow okay? I love you so much..and I don't want silly things to come between us anymore.Lewa: Okay, Gali. You're right. I love you.Gali: I love you too.Meanwhile, at Kopaka's house,Pohatu: Kopaka, I'm sorry! I just really wanted to go to the concert today!Kopaka: .....Pohatu: Look, I'm sorry that you had to finish the whole story yourself...but things have been really hard for me lately...maybe working on the paper with you isn't the best thing for me right now.Kopaka: .....Pohatu: Fine...if you want to be like that about it then.Pohatu got up and left, slamming the door behind him. He got outside and just started walking. He wasn't going anywhere particular...he just needed to get away and think about things. This was supposed to be a great week for him, but first he loses Hahli and now...now he lost his job for the school paper with Kopaka..how could things get any worse?Over at the Onu-Koro hospital, Onua was laying down being examined by a neck doctor.Doctor: How did you say you sprained your neck again?Onua looked over at his mom who was shaking her head.Later that night at Tahu's, Tahu heard a knock at his door and came downstairs to answer it.Tahu: Pohatu? What're you doing here?Pohatu: I wanted to come and apologize for not talking to you much lately.Tahu: Come on in, old buddy!He smiled and patted Pohatu on the back as he walked in. Pohatu smiled for the first time that night. It felt good to have someone care. He looked up at Tahu and smiled back.Tahu: Let's go up to my room, I just got the new Call of Unity, Duty, and Destiny game!Pohatu: Alright!They both needed a friend tonight. They were both happier than little matoran on Christmas morning as they ran upstairs together.Pohatu: Hey, Tahu?Tahu: Yeah?Pohatu: I've come back to see if you need any help again trying to get Gali back.Tahu put the game disc in the system and turned to Pohatu.Tahu: :sly: End of chapter 22.Word count: 2669

 

What will happen next? Is Pohatu back to the old ways of helping Tahu with his evil plans? Why is such a good character like Pohatu stuck in such bad situations? Is this becoming even more of a sappy romance full of high school drama than it already is? Well hey, I guess you'll just have to keep reading to find out!-Jordboy1 :miru:


Edited by Jordboy1, Dec 31 2012 - 04:43 AM.

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#7 Offline Last Son Amakusa

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Posted Dec 31 2012 - 07:43 PM

Nice. I read through all of the old chapters; they manage to be very funny without devolving into plotless slapstick. A few things I noticed were "the my new electric scooter" and the fact that Lewa stopped using treespeak at the end of it. But overall, great!
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#8 Offline Jordboy1

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Posted Dec 31 2012 - 11:56 PM

Yeah...I tend to have sentences throughout several of the chapters where he doesn't use tree-speak...I find that overuse can be annoying and unnecessary. But that's just me. :P

Thanks for reading and thanks for the feedback! :)

 

-Jordboy1 :miru:


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#9 Offline Onarax

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Posted Jan 04 2013 - 06:19 AM

Comedies Critics Club Review Spelling and Grammar: 

To his left, a Plaque was hung on the wall.

Capitalisation of 'plaque' is unnecessary. 'Was hanging' instead of 'was hung'. 

the chief editor had graciously accepted.

'Accepted' could be replaced with 'agreed'. 

Sitting on the couch he saw Gali sitting with Takanuva.

Do you mean: "He saw Gali sitting on the couch with Takanuva"? 

As Tahu tried to get up, his foot got caught on the window sill and fell [removed 'down'] onto his face, momentarily losing control of his powers and accidentally launching a huge rocket of flame into the ceiling, causing part of the top floor to come crashing down on top of him.

Corrections in bold. 

As all the students were busy talking and setting their tents and things up, the principal walked up to a small stage, that had been set up for the occasion, and turned on a microphone.

Bolded comma unnecessary. 

Inside his mind were quite different thoughts than what he said however....he wished they all had 86 hours of homework to do while they were here, but...he had his job to do, and he would do it right.

Very awkward phrasing there. Can be replaced with: "However, his thoughts were different to what he had said, and wished they all had eighty-six hours of homework to do while they were here, but he a job to do, and would do it right." 

good good niiiight.

Needs a comma between 'good' and 'good'. 

He put one back and payed the rest to Whenua, who happily dropped them into his own pocket.

Paid. 

He fake grinned at everyone. A painful look on his face.

I ... have no idea what this means. 

Tahu stalked off leaving a few students still laughing.

Needs a comma after 'off'. 

Just then the principal thought he heard something.

Comma after 'then'. 

Just then, Kopaka heard someone running up behind him and calling his name. He turned to see Pohatu running up to him.

Redundant. 

How do I know that most of them are guy...?

'Guys', not 'guy'. 

definately

Definitely. 

I haven't leanred

Learned. 

Suddenly a huge gust of wind raised from the ground and threw Lewa and all the paper into the air.

Rose. 

He dragged all the paper out of the pond and layed it all out across the grass.

Laid. 

He stepped back and aimed his hands at the paper. He attempted to summon up a small breeze.

You could fuse these two sentences together. 

Wind rushed around his hands, swirled about his body, and then ran down his arms and blew over his fingers across all the paper laying on the ground.

Lying. 

As he got excited he didn't notice the winds picking up and soon pages of the paper were ripping off and flying away into the pond, over the trees, and in every direction.

"As his excitement grew, he didn't notice the wind picking up, and soon papers were ripping off the ground and flying everywhere; into the pond and over the trees." 

He knew he had to pursue the knowledge of his power...but to no longer let people like his boss at the news paper company push him around.

Newspaper. 

Just then, Onua and Pohatu came running up to them.

Comma after 'then'. 

Lewa and Gali stared at them confused.

You can either add a comma after 'them' or use "Lewa and Gali stared at them in confusion." 

As they were about to enter the classroom, Lewa spotted a Turaga he had never seen before speaking to Kopaka farther down the hallway.

Comma needed. 

Back at pohatu's house, Pohatu was on the phone with Onua.

Capitalisation of the first 'Pohatu' required. 

Gali: Yeah, Lew?

Lewa. 

Meanwhile, at a local pub in Le-Koro, Takanuva sat at the counter drinking the strongest drink they had on the whole island...trying to drown his miseries away.

Ellipsis can be replaced with a comma, which works much better in this situation. 

He was a new student, had no friends, he never got the girl he tried to go out with, and some how...he had just been forgotten about in the comedy period.

Needs to be joined. 

this one's for you, girls!

Capitalisation of the 't'. Despite the mass of corrections up there, I actually haven't mentioned every single mistake. You have lots of awkwardly phrased sentences and misuse of ellipses (three periods only; requires a space between them and the word they're placed prior to), along with a failure to add periods to the ends of some sentences. I recommend reading over your chapters out loud before submitting them, so you can find whatever mistakes you've made. Your spelling is decent, although you do need to double-check your work to find the minor mistakes that have been carelessly made. Most of your flaws in this category, however, come in the form of your grammar: with punctuation problems; mistaken use of tense; and awkwardly phrased sentences.  Of the three major problems you possess, your punctuation is the most minor. You regularly fail to add commas at specific places in your chapters, sometimes using ellipses in their place. Said ellipses are also incredibly overused, especially when you could either add commas or change your sentences to work more properly without them. At times, you also use the wrong tense, or fail to use the future or past tense of a word properly, such as in the case of 'laying' or 'raised'. Reading over your work out loud can probably fix this problem, because you can probably hear the strangeness when using the wrong tenses and the like. Your sentences are also structured rather awkwardly, making them somewhat difficult to read, and there are several that can be joined together, instead of staying as short and separate ones. Sometimes they end up being rather redundant as well, so it's best if you combine them. You pretty much just have to read over your work more. I rate it 68%Humour: Personally, I found Kopaka's silence, which pretty much all can understand, a rather amusing part of this comedy. It's interesting, seeing that the characters themselves can understand him, yet us, the audience, cannot, merely being able to identify the meaning from the conversations he has with his friends and acquaintances, although other than this, I do not derive much amusement from your other attempts at humour. Of course, if you were to freshen up your jokes, and to add a bit more humour into the interactions between your characters, it could be possible to make your comedy 'funnier', and more entertaining for the readers. Currently you're running on small gags and the like, which, despite being amusing at times, isn't very evocative of laughs. I actually had no idea what I said at the end of that paragraph. Let's just say that your comedy is amusing, but needs to be funnier. I rate it 75%Plot: Well then, on to the main 'meat' of your comedy. From reading the chapters you wished to be reviewed, I've come to the conclusion that the story seems to be some strange fusion between a romantic drama and comedic antics, which, now that I think about it, isn't that strange at all, seeing that most high school fiction involves romantic drama and comedic antics. So, these chapters focus on the resuming relationship between Lewa and Gali, along with Kopaka's forays into the land of journalism, as well as Tahu being stupid and Pohatu having a hard time deciding whether to choose between work or his love life. Surprisingly sophisticated for a high school fan-fiction I must say. It's quite interesting watching Lewa and Gali's relationship grow, especially when it seems to be progressing rather realistically. May possess a flair for the dramatic, but it's fascinating. I'm eager to see the resolution of Pohatu's struggles as well, and whether or not he and Tahu's plans will derail Gali and Lewa's relationship successfully or not. And if Kopaka becomes rich and famous. Your plotlines are decent, and progress at a good pace, so just keep on going on with them and you'll be able to entertain your audience. I'd rate it 83%Overall: The comedy is pretty solid, but there's a lot of room for improvement, mostly in the grammar area. You'll need to check over your work more frequently, and maybe try to inject more humour into it, but it has good potential, especially when you have some decent plot-lines. I'd say the overall rating is: (66+70+80)/3 = 72%.


Edited by Space Pirate, Jan 04 2013 - 06:21 AM.

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#10 Offline Great Being Velika

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Posted Jan 04 2013 - 10:44 AM

I love the Roodaka's secret part. :headbonk: :superfunny:  Oh, and the fact that Tahu doesn't seem to get that Gali hates him.


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#11 Offline Jordboy1

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Posted Jan 04 2013 - 12:24 PM

@Space Pirate - Yeah I know a lot of my chapters need work, especially if you read my chapters from the beginning. :pAnd the majority of my humor derives from parodies and mockery of schools, popular trends, and exaggerated high school life. The recent chapters tend to lack in that area though, leaning more towards the development of the current story I suppose... :pAs for Gali saying "Lew", that was on purpose.Thanks for your review though, it was a lot more in depth than I expected, I only wish you would've been around at the start lolI do tend to phrase sentences awkwardly though... this probably comes from the fact that I do the same thing when I speak out loud o_o' @Great Being Velika - Thanks! Glad you liked it! And yeaaaaaah...that Roodaka's Secret part started a bit of controversy at the time :pEdit: This is posted off my phone, sorry if it's all jumbled together!-Jordboy1 :miru:

Edited by Jordboy1, Jan 04 2013 - 12:25 PM.

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#12 Offline CHTrilogy

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Posted Jan 04 2013 - 12:27 PM

Fantastic!!! I thought this romcom had ended prematurely, but thankfully, it has not! Heh - the parodies of 50 Shades of Grey and Call of Duty put a smile on my face too! :D


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#13 Offline Great Being Velika

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Posted Jan 04 2013 - 04:09 PM

@Great Being Velika - Thanks! Glad you liked it! And yeaaaaaah...that Roodaka's Secret part started a bit of controversy at the time

 

I noticed that in the archives, but I still think :headbonk: :superfunny:.

-GBV  :huna: :rau:   :matatu:  :mahiki:


Edited by Great being Velika, Jan 04 2013 - 04:12 PM.

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#14 Offline Onarax

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Posted Jan 04 2013 - 07:02 PM

I wouldn't have been able to review at the very start because I was a small-time lurker back when you started this comedy, and most of my writing was terrible until mid-2011 ... with the Downtime.
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#15 Offline Jordboy1

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Posted Jan 08 2013 - 08:45 PM

Chapter 23: "Bad Day"

 

 

 

Lewa walked into school the next morning and was stopped by several of the teachers and Mr. Principal.

 

Mr. Principal: Lewa, we have something we'd like to talk to you about.

 

Nokama: An opportunity.

 

Onewa: Nothing bad at all of course!

 

Matau: Just something we do for...some of the more...uhhh

 

Mr. Principal: Talented students!

 

Matau: Yeah! That's it!

 

Lewa looked back and forth between all the teachers, a very disturbed look on his face.

 

Lewa: W-what....is it?

 

Mr. Principal: We're going to set you up for a chance to learn better with your very own private teacher!

 

Lewa: What!??! I'm not stupid!

 

Nokama: Now, now...calm down, Lewa. We didn't say you were stupid. You're just a bit...special, that's all.

 

Lewa: Oh brother-sister...

 

Later in music class,

 

Matau: That was the most beautiful performance of the pledge of allegiance in rap I have ever heard.... *sniff* I am honored to be your teacher.

 

Onua and Pohatu took a bow before returning to their seats. As Pohatu sat down, he looked over at Tahu who winked back at him. It was the signal to put their new plan into action.

 

Macku: GROSS!

 

The whole class looked over at Macku.

 

Macku: Tahu is flirting with Pohatu across the classroom!!

 

Everyone turned their heads from Macku over to Tahu. Tahu and Pohatu just looked at each other and then quickly looked away. Everyone started laughing and pointing. Tahu's face burned beat red. (well, it would have if it wasn't already red) He suddenly stood straight up.

 

Tahu: I DON'T like Pohatu! I like GALI!!

 

The classroom went completely silent and Tahu stood there awkwardly. He slowly sat down and his head dropped violently to his desk, which he promptly covered with his hands as his shoulders sunk.

 

Matau: Class! Class, that is enough! Macku and Tahu! Both of you are disrupting this class. You two just randomly shout things out in class and think that it will be okay? Who do you think you are?

 

Lewa: Runnin' around leaving scar-sores.. >:(

 

Onua: Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart.

 

Hahli: You're going to catch a cold.

 

Kopaka: ....... ..........

 

Gali: So don't come back for me. Don't come back at all!

 

Tahu looked around and saw that they were all looking at him while they sang, Gali especially. He could see the hurt she still kept in her eyes.

 

Matau: Now, both of you, One more scene...and it's off to the principal's office with you!

 

After school, Lewa and Gali were walking home together.

 

Gali: I can't believe they're making you get a tutor. You aren't stupid.

 

Lewa: That's what I said-spoke! They say it's because I speak like I'm untaught-educated.

 

Gali: That's just....racist!

 

Lewa: No...racist is when my 5th grade teacher-learner called me a scrawny blade of grass who should just go-leave back to the dirt I grew out of.

 

Gali: Yes...well... That was you teacher!?? O_o

 

Lewa: Yeah...I don't think he has his work-job anymore.

 

Meanwhile at Tahu's house,

 

Pohatu: Soooo I think we should change the plan's signal...

 

Tahu: .....

 

Pohatu: Hey! That's Kopaka's line!

 

Tahu: Shut up.

 

Pohatu: Anyway, I have a list of new signal ideas.

 

Tahu: Leave.

 

Pohatu: But-

 

Tahu: Just leave, Pohatu!

 

Pohatu looked over at Tahu, an extreme look of hurt came across his face, but Tahu wasn't paying any attention. Pohatu picked up all of his homework and stormed out of Tahu's house and slammed his front door. He just started walking, nowhere in particular, just walking.

 

"What do you do when you have a bad day?", he thought to himself. "Sing a sad song?"

 

  ♫Cause you had a bad day      You're taking one down        You sing a sad song just to turn it around♪ 

Pohatu: I don't know....

 

  ♫You say you don't know      You tell me don't lie        You work at a smile and you go for a ride♪

 

"I'll probably just take a ride on my electric scooter. I really don't mind. It'll make me feel better." 

  ♫You had a bad day      The camera don't lie        You're coming back down and you really don't mind           You had a bad day♪ 

Pohatu: I had a bad day.

 

He got on his scooter and started riding down the road to try and clear his mind about everything lately.

 

Pohatu: Wait...who the heck was that singing...?

 

He looked around. He couldn't see anybody nearby at all. He just shrugged and kept going.

Not far away, hidden in the bushes in Tahu's yard, Onua climbed out. He brushed the leaves off of himself and smiled. "A job well done.", he thought to himself.

 

Over in Ga-Koro,

 

Gali: Come on, Lewa! Jump in!

 

Lewa shuddered as he looked down at Gali swimming in the water. There was nothing he hated more than cold, slippery, wet.....water.

 

Lewa: I'm fine, Gali! You can have fun though!

 

Gali shrugged and kept swimming.

 

Gali: Suit yourself!

 

After Lewa watched Gali swim for two hours, the two headed for her house to warm up and have some hot chocolate together. Once inside, they sat on top of Gali's bed sipping out of their gukko bird decorated mugs.

 

Gali: Lewa, I've been thinking about taking up photography.

 

Lewa: That's great, Gali! You've always been really good at taking really neat picture-images of the same two ruki every day.

 

Gali: Well I want to do a lot more than that! I want to try people too! So...I was wondering if..

 

Lewa: Yeah? What?

 

Gali: Could I try taking your graduation pictures??

 

Lewa: Sure! I'd love-like for you to be the one to take them!

 

Gali: Really!??! Okay! Oh gosh! Thanks!

 

She hugged Lewa as he sipped his hot chocolate. He jumped as some spilled on to his chin.

 

Lewa: Ouch! You made me burn myself!

 

Gali: Sorry!

 

Lewa: It's alright.

 

Gali: Hey! I just remembered tomorrow is Saturday!

 

Lewa: So?

 

Gali: So, want to practice taking some pictures tomorrow?

 

Lewa: Sure! :)

 

At Kopaka's house,

 

Kopaka: .....

 

Kopaka's mom: ....

 

Kopaka: ......

 

Kopaka's mom: ...

 

They hugged each other tight and she kissed him on the forehead. She was so proud of her only son. He would grow up to be the greatest writer of all time. She was sure of it. A man of few spoken words, but many written ones.

 

The next morning Lewa woke to the sound of his mother-mom calling him downstairs. He threw his covers off, got out of bed, and headed downstairs.

 

Mother-mom: Lewa! Your new tutor is here! Isn't it exciting??

 

Lewa looked up and saw his tutor sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee with his mom.

 

William Furno: Good morning!

 

Lewa: ....great.

 

Mother-mom: Well, I guess I'll leave you two to it!

 

With that, she got up and left the room. Lewa walked over and reluctantly sat down next to Furno.

 

William Furno: First we're gonna start with your history homework.

 

Meanwhile at Gali's house, Hahli and Gali were talking as Gali got all of her camera supplies together.

 

Gali: I'm so excited that Lewa's letting me try this out with him!

 

Hahli: Pohatu never would've let me do anything like this...

 

Gali: Oh come on...he loved doing things with you!

 

Hahli: Yeah...but all we ever did were things like racing pine wood cars down the sidewalk and go to all kinds of concerts that he geeked out about.

 

Gali: Hey, it's almost the same thing!

 

Hahli: <_<

 

Back at Lewa's,

 

William Furno: Now do you know how we all came to be?

 

Lewa: Of course! Mata Nui put us here!

 

William Furno: Hah...ha...no.

 

Lewa: What...?

 

William Furno: We were all built in the Hero Factory of course!

 

Lewa: But-

 

William Furno: *sigh* It looks like I have a lot of work ahead of me....

 

End of chapter 23.

Word count: 1300

 

Will Pohatu ever find his place? Will Lewa ever stop getting torchered by the school's system? Can William Furno just LEAVE the BIONICLE universe alone? WHat was Kopaka's conversation with his mom about? Continue reading this juvenile comedy and find out in the next chapter!

 

-Jordboy1 :miru:


Edited by Jordboy1, Jan 09 2013 - 03:01 AM.

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#16 Offline Great Being Velika

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Posted Jan 09 2013 - 01:37 AM

This did not make me laugh as much, but it was funny. I hope Pohatu will finally find a good friend, and Tahu will have anger counseling.


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