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About Varian(Review Topic)


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#1 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Mar 01 2013 - 05:05 PM

Review topic of: http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=8866
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I'm back!


#2 Offline King of Dust

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Posted Mar 01 2013 - 07:52 PM

Hmmm a good start so far. Not too much to see but it sets up the story nicely. I take it this is obviously after the great cataclysm but what time is this(Bionicle noob right here)?

 

 

 

"[color=#ff0000;]Lick[/color] her up in the cellars till we get this thing fixed, but don't forget, NO GUARDS." 

 

Um... One thing. Not sure... um... I didn't know this was the Bionicle equivalent of Fifty shades of Grey XD

 

Another thing I would like to add is the lack of character in this prologue  Now, i know this is a prologue  but I would have thought it could have been longer. I'm not going to tell you how to do your epic, but it would have been nice if we could have had some thoughts from Varian when she broke out. Little bit of her back story maybe? The means we know a little bit about her before the story even really starts. Just something you should consider I think.

 

That's all i can really say for now though. Ill definitly see how this one goes, and although its too early to call just yet, Ill be sticking around


Edited by Commander CeeCee, Mar 01 2013 - 08:30 PM.

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#3 Online Click

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Posted Mar 02 2013 - 12:13 AM

Wow, you totally beat me to this. I was thinking about writing this same plotline as well! :D

 

The beginning shows promise, but it could be a lot longer. It's just a bunch of short paragraphs with no feeling in it. Think about what it felt like for Varian to be freed from stasis: Ecstatic? Confused? Drained? And the Shadowed One seems so bland. Just "Oh, it's you. Welcome back, goodbye." Maybe show him venting frustration on a nearby Hunter, or locking her up with his Protodermis staff, just some kind of emotion.

 

Good start though. Can't wait to keep reading.


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~click.gif
 

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#4 Offline King of Dust

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Posted Mar 02 2013 - 11:48 AM

Wow, you totally beat me to this. I was thinking about writing this same plotline as well! :D

 

The beginning shows promise, but it could be a lot longer. It's just a bunch of short paragraphs with no feeling in it. Think about what it felt like for Varian to be freed from stasis: Ecstatic? Confused? Drained? And the Shadowed One seems so bland. Just "Oh, it's you. Welcome back, goodbye." Maybe show him venting frustration on a nearby Hunter, or locking her up with his Protodermis staff, just some kind of emotion.

 

Good start though. Can't wait to keep reading.

 I agree with click. Although personally I think TSO would enjoy it some how


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#5 Offline King of Dust

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Posted Mar 04 2013 - 02:18 PM

Here I am, here I am. Time for a review!

 

So. Lets see:

 

If a door was locked she broke it, if a guard stood in her way, she brought him down, and in no-time she had reached the throne room of the Shadowed One, carrying a spear and shield, which she had took from a defeated guard.

 

Nothing wrong with this line besides the fact its a bit rubbish on its own. Maybe if you show her coming across a guard. Dont forget, she hasn't fought in years, you it might be a challenge for here. Maybe she could get hurt bust still win.

 

As far as the content of your writing goes, its really good. But as for depth, Im just not feeling it. Theres very little emotion in your writing and at this point in time, I dont really care if Varian lives or dies, becase your not giving me any reasont to care. That may be a little harsh but its true. She just feels very two dimensional. I also don't like the style that you write in where you only have one paragraph per sentence. Thats not too bad though. 

 

I also feel its way too fast paste(My quote above is a prime example) which again, draws our attention away from Varian. We wont care about the action if we dont care for her.

I really must say that its quite short and as for actual content of the story, the prologue, chp1 and chp 2 feel like they should all be one chapter. I feel a chapter should be at the very least 1000 words because you really notice it if its not.

 

All bad stuff aside, the story itself seems very good, although I cant help feel I would be more engrossed if you added more depth to Varian.

 

Thats all for now. Hope this review helped.


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