Voxumo Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 (edited) Ok i thought up of this after discovering i would be fighting onua in the Technic coliseum topic. Minbd you Onua is the strongest in all stats current;y. So yeah just thought this would make a nice little story You enter the arena. Across the field you a tunnel with a gate covering it. As the gate rises you hear a roar that sends chills down your spine. You feel the ground shake beneath your feet as a shadow, as dark as Teridax's soul, sweeps across the field. You look to find the source of this shadow and only see a A toa of earth. You look at his claws and then to his mask when you realize you now know the face of true power. His green eyes, as green as the Le-Wahi forest, cause your body to freeze, and as you try to move your body seems to disobey you as it remains stiff. A slight ripple in the ground gives warning to the sound of thunder, but this thunder emanates beneath your feet. As claws rip free from the ground and wrap around your ankles, pulling you under.,you realize that the figure who you had been looking at has morphed into a replica of you. You see the expression on their face, you now know what true fear is. With your last glimpse of the sky, before you're dragged under, you think to yourself' I WONDER HOW IT FEELS TO REST FOREVER IN THE DARKNESS?' I hope you all like it. Also any suggestion or comments are welcome EDIT: Ok upon sumiki's suggestions i have fixed some of the issues with this story Edited April 4, 2013 by Vox The Shadow of Reality Quote Banner made by Onaku BZPRPG CHARACTERS Syvra-Tivanu If you interact with one of my characters and I don't respond or acknowledge the interaction within a day, send me a PM. Odds are I missed or did not see the post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canis Lycaon Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 I liked it, especially as how I totally understand the subject matter. Onua is way too powerful. It was short, and very good. Quote I used to have a banner here. But that RPG is dead. What now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jebraltar Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 It was pretty cool, I can totally picture it in full detail. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voxumo Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 I liked it, especially as how I totally understand the subject matter. Onua is way too powerful. It was short, and very good.Lol well i am glad you like it. It is just something that popped in my head and i elaborated on it.And yeah onua is way to powerful. Funny thing is kopaka is the next strongest in the Technic coliseum. Only reason Kopaka made it into the second round of the finals is because Onua never did post their strategy It was pretty cool, I can totally picture it in full detail.That was my goal. I wanted to include enough detail but not too much. Quote Banner made by Onaku BZPRPG CHARACTERS Syvra-Tivanu If you interact with one of my characters and I don't respond or acknowledge the interaction within a day, send me a PM. Odds are I missed or did not see the post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sumiki Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 You enter the arena. Across the field you a a tunnel with a gate covering it. as the gate rises you here a roar that sends chills down your spine.First off: second person is underused and I'm glad to see you're taking advantage of it here. I don't think you meant to repeat "a" before "tunnel," though. "As" should be capitalized in the third sentence and "here" should be "hear." You feel the ground shake beneath your feet as a shadow, as dark as teridax's souls, sweeps across the field. You look to find the source of this shadow and only see a A toa of earth."Teridax" is a proper name and should be capitalized - though I'm wondering why he has multiple souls. "A" in the second sentence should not be capitalized. You look at his claws and then to his mask, It is then you know the face of true power. His green eyes, as green as the Le-Wahi forest, cause your body to freeze, you try to move but your body disobeys you.I would reword these sentences into two each. A slight ripple in the ground gives warning to the sound of thunder, but this thunder emanates beneath your feet. As claws rip free from the ground and wrap around your ankles, pulling you under. You realize as your being pulled under that the figure who you had been looking at has morphed into a replica of you. You see the expression on their face, You now know what true fear is."As claws" to "replica of you" should be one sentence, and repetitive statements between them can be removed. "You" in the middle of the last sentence shouldn't be capitalized. With your last glimpse of the sky, before your dragged under, you think to yourself' I WONDER HOW IT FEELS TO REST FOREVER IN THE DARKNESS?'"Your dragged" should be "you're dragged" here.All in all, aside from a few grammatical errors, I got a real sense of story out of this. I really think you could expand this into something really good if you further explored the feelings of the protagonist in real-time. Quote avatar by Lady Kopaka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pahrak Model ZX Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 A nice glimpse at how matches look from the fighter's viewpoint! To be honest, even I get a feeling of dread when looking over some tournament match-ups. For the unfamiliar, revealing that Onua is the opponent may throw them off--being a Toa, he's expected to show some restraint. They must be shocked when Onua pulls the narrator down to his death. Matches can get so violent sometimes... Quote My Library Right of Law (Epics) KARDAS DRAGON appears! (G&T) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voxumo Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 A nice glimpse at how matches look from the fighter's viewpoint! To be honest, even I get a feeling of dread when looking over some tournament match-ups. For the unfamiliar, revealing that Onua is the opponent may throw them off--being a Toa, he's expected to show some restraint. They must be shocked when Onua pulls the narrator down to his death. Matches can get so violent sometimes...Yes they should be surprised. But i am glad you like it. It was just something my mind thought of when i found out kopaka would be fighting onua Quote Banner made by Onaku BZPRPG CHARACTERS Syvra-Tivanu If you interact with one of my characters and I don't respond or acknowledge the interaction within a day, send me a PM. Odds are I missed or did not see the post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.