(I'd do Michael Jackson and Ted Kennedy but we've got every other tabloid to cover them anyway.)

The V Report: The W. "B." Mays Casefile

Compiled by: Matthew W. w/ info gathered by Andrew T. and Joseph C.

Date/Time/Location of incident: 7:45 AM, 28/06/09, Tampa, Florida

Type of incident: Unexplained Death

According to news reports, William Darrel "Billy" Mays, Jr. died of heart disease on June 28, 2009. But according to Billy Mays fact #98,725, Mays had no heart. He had a Tesla resonator. Instantly suspicious...

Mays was an OxiClean salesman. Now, OxiClean HAS THE POWER TO REMOVE THE TOUGHEST STAINS FROM CARPETS! CLOTHING! FURNITURE! AND MORE! BUT WAIT! CALL WITHIN THE NEXT HALF HOUR AND YOU'LL ALSO GET--

Bah, if you know who we're talking about, you'd know what OxiClean is already. Some other questions need asking...

1. How could he die of heart disease if he had no heart?

2. Who were OxiClean's competitors?

3. What were those crop circles on his lawn? What's that? The news didn't mention those? Hmm...

4. Who is this "Vince Offer" person? And why is he in jail?

5. Are there any secret messages in the OxiClean ads?

6. What other products did he sell?

Andrew T. and Joseph C. have manged to dig this info up on Vince Offer:

-Born on April 25, 1964 in Haifa, Isreal (possibly forged, according to our investigations)

-First seen in a "comedy" movie that you don't need to know about

-Advertises ShamWow and the Slap Chop (ooh, that last one sounds violent)

-Arrested for something that you also don't need to know about

-Has a creepy smile O_O

The last three just scream "alien" to you, don't they? But back to OxiClean. It would put vacuum cleaners out of business, no? We already know that the vacuum cleaner business is in cohoots with aliens to take over the world. (We will explain this in a future casefile.)

We have already concluded that Vince Offer is secretly an alien posing as a human. And now for the shocker... (obtained by M.W. from an informant known onl as "Xaeraz"):

It is also common knowledge that everything you read on the internet is true. (Unless the aliens are behind it.) Here are five very reliable facts:

1. Under his beard, Billy Mays has no chin. Just another set of vocal cords. (Why wasn't this revealed in the autopsy?)

2. When he was a child, Billy Mays had his tonsils removed and replaced with megaphones. (Same here.)

3. Billy Mays doesn't have lungs. He has sub-woofers. (Again, the coroners would have mentioned this.)

4. Billy Mays has no heart. He has a Tesla resonator. (How could he have had heart disease, then?)

5. Archaeologists in India recently discovered a new dinosaur. It was actually a bunch of dinosaurs, but it appears that the one in the middle killed the others by yelling at them. The dinosaur was originally called Billymaysaurus, but the Indian government made the archaeologists change it, because Billy Mays cannot die.

That's right, he's alive, in hiding, no doubt. I, Matthew White, have already already sent my two best agents, Andrew T. and Joseph C., in search of Mays and Offer respectively. We'll keep you posted on this mission. May the Farce be with you.

LONG LIVE YOUR LAUNDRY!