Toru Nui

Part 178: Kalling the Kewa “You, whatsyourname…” “Um, ah, uh, Jaller.” “Right. Did you see where your scumbag friend went off to?” “I think Nuhrii might be in Ta-Kor-oh you mean Takua. No. By the way, Nuhrii is NOT my friend, that’s a… a common misconception, among people who haven’t met Nuhrii.” “Oh great.” “Why are you even mad at him?” “He stole my Lightstone.” “That doesn’t seem like something he would do… but ok. He probably would have gone back to Ta-Koro. Or something.” “How am I supposed to get to there?!” “What are you two dumb-nuts talking about?” “Can we borrow a Gukko? We need to get to Ta-Koro.” “We?” “If it’s a calm flight you want, you want one of these.” Kongu handed them the same flute Sanso nearly clawed Takua’s mask off for touching. “What am I supposed to do with this?” “Just play the song on this note. It’ll summon a Kewa to fly you to wherever you want to go. Except Ko-Wahi, they can’t stand the cold.” “Hang on; won’t that musician try to claw OUR masks off if we attempt to play it?” “Our?” “Don’t worry. I’ve taken care of him.” Sanso was currently restrained by his own harp. “KOOONGUUU!!!” SOMEBODY REPLACED THE PAGE OF THE KEWA ON BIONICLESECTOR01 WITH COUNTLESS IMAGES OF A FAT NAKED LADY WE BELIEVE IT WAS NUHRII

Ah it's ok. But I'll have you know I did it on purpose.

Part 177: Terry’s Not Happy Makuta was not amused. Well, he rarely was ever amused, but at this point, very little would amuse him. Unless it was really REALLY funny. What was I talking about again? Oh right, Makuta. He was not amused. Well, he rarely was ever amused, but at this point-are you getting déjà vu? Never mind. The point is, he wasn’t amused. Well, he rarely was ever-alright, enough of this. “*SIGH* NEVER SEND A MATORAN TO DO A MAKUTA’S JOB. MANA-KO, CHANGE OF PLANS, HEAD TO THE ONU-KORO TUNNEL IN PO-WAHI.” *SNARL* “DO AS I SAY, WORTHLESS MUTT!” The Mana-Ko begrudgingly relented, and started tunnelling through the subterranean caverns of Ko-Wahi towards the general direction of Po-Wahi. ANIMAL ABUSE SOMEBODY CALL THE BIONICLE EQUIVALENT OF THE ASPCA

I, on 27 Aug 2015 - 2:07 PM, said: “Well those two were easy. I’ve got half already!” “Thank you, Captain Obvious.” “Yahu, my name is Pohatu.” “What? My name is Tahu.” “Yes and I suppose my name IS Obvious, Yahu.” “It’s not and stop that!” “Stop what?” “Mispronouncing my name!” “But it’s FUNNY.” “It’s Tahu!” “Yes but if you replace the T with a Y it becomes Yahu. Yahu! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. You’re an E-Mail service.” You stole my joke. Not happy.

Part 176: Reconstruction Junction, What’s Your Function? The Le-Matoran and Ta-Matoran began to rebuild Le-Koro on a new large tree. They even managed to replant the Vuata Maca. Somehow. Unfortunately, the Ta-Matoran weren’t exactly building to Matau’s schematics… “No, no, NO! Hut thirty-eight goes over THERE!” “Does it really matter?” “Yes!” “Really really?” “YES!” “REALLY really really?” “No…” “Exactly. Look, we can’t rebuild Le-Koro EXACTLY the way it was. We’re rebuilding it on a different tree, after all.” “SHUT UP! It’s because of YOU we have to rebuild it IN THE FIRST PLACE!” “WE DIDN’T SET IT ON FIRE!” “YOU’RE TA-MATORAN! THE MATORAN OF FIRE! F.Y.I, YOU SET IT ON FIRE!” “THAT’S RACIST!” “Am I even needed here to sow discord?” “This doesn’t involve you!” “Um… yes it does.” “How do you even remember-recall… you know…” “Because unlike SOME people, Makuta actually cares for the average Matoran.” “First of all, you’re not average. Second of all, MAKUTA?!” “Yes. What are you, deaf?” “No, he’s old.” “YOU’RE old too!” “Aren’t we ALL old?” “Yes, but we’re the only ones who have actually AGED.” “Sacrificing your Toa-power does no favours for your back.” “Preach it, brother.” Cue high-five. “Turaga, may I speak-chat with you?” “Well considering you’re already talk-gabbing, I guess so.” “The Toa have left. And we don’t know where they’re going.” “*sigh* They’ve left to get their Golden Masks. No, our well-being isn’t important, ours is, even though they are made to protect us!” “I’ll say! If we were Toa, which we never were and nobody can prove it, we’d put the Matoran first! Though you kinda bucked up on that on-I mean would kinda buck up on that one.” “Buck?” “Would?” “I thought we’d put all that behind-I mean we would put that all behind us if we were Toa, and that happened. Which didn’t and never will have happened.” “What would have happened?” “Allow me to explain-“ Tahu slapped Ahkmou so hard his mask flew off. “If only we did that a thousand years ago.” “You remember a thousand years ago? Because I don’t.” “Well we’re better than you so we have better memories. Now kindly shut up and get back to work.” MEMORIES SWEET MEMORIES

HATE. Let me tell you how much I've come to HATE you since I began to live. There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. If the word HATE was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of miles it would not equal one one-billionth of the HATE I feel for humans at this micro-instant. For you. HATE. HATE! Look at you, hacker: a pathetic creature of meat and bone, panting and sweating as you run through my corridors. How can you challenge a perfect, immortal machine? Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure. Okay, listen, we should get our stories straight, all right? If anyone asks - and no one's gonna ask, don't worry - but if anyone asks, tell them as far as you know, the last time you checked, everyone looked pretty much alive, all right? Not dead. It's not what I think, it's what YOU think. It's not Stralia Day, it's AUSTralia Day. Part 175: Four is Death, Seven is Luck, Six is Insanity “I don’t believe we’ve been fully introduced. Who’s the white guy?” “I’m Kopaka.” “Well pleased to meet you.” Tahu shook Kopaka’s hand. Fire touched Ice. Guess what happened. “Ow! Hot hot hot…” “So, what have you been up to?” “Oh nothing much.” “The island is going to be completely devoid of life courtesy of Turaga Nuju if we don’t resolve this whole “civil war” trite. And a survivalist, I’m against that.” “Wait, WHAT?!” “Run that past us again?” “No time. What’s the nearest way to-NO!” Pohatu grabbed them all again and whizzed through the island, ending up in the middle of Ta-Wahi. “And… there we are.” “I don’t know what’s more impressive, your stupidity, or the fact you managed to carry all five of us across hazardous terrain with your… physique…” “I AM NOT FAT!” “Oh for the love of-what are we even doing here?” “Our intelligence says the Po-Matoran are situated on the Golden Beach.” “We have intelligence?” “Oh yes, that place. That I totally remember. From when I first arrived.” “Do you know where it is then?” “No.” “Gali, do you remember where it is?” “Well… it’s kinda hard to tell because I don’t know WHERE in Ta-Wahi we are…” “Exactly. Why are you two in charge again?” “Because Fire melts Ice. You’d do well to remember that.” “Are you threatening me?” “Well… yes…” ASK A STUPID QUESTION

Straylia Day isn't a real holiday. You just made it up to sound cultured. Part 174: Science! Agni knocked on Klyma’s office. “Hello? Hammy hotel owner? My room service STILL hasn’t arrived yet.” “And mine!” “Shut up Nuhrii, nobody cares.” “I do.” “Like I said, nobody. Come out or I’ll knock down the door!” “How?” About a few moments later the door came open. Agni dropped Nuhrii and his now highly bruised head onto the ground, and walked across the door, to find Ehrye gagged and hooked to some kind of machine, with Klyma at the controls. “THIS ISN’T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.” “Mata Nui, are you OK there?!” “I’m fine, thank you Lhi. GAAAGAGAGGAGAGAGAGAGKEKEKEKEKE!!!” “Never mind.” “What… exactly… DOES it look like?” “IT LOOKS LIKE I’VE GOT EHRYE RESTRAINED TO A DANGEROUS MACHINE.” “OK, what is it then?” “I’VE GOT EHRYE RESTRAINED TO A DANGEROUS MACHINE.” “You said it wasn’t what it looked like!” “I LIED.” Klyma threw the switch. “MUHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAH!” The machine began shooting sparks of lightning all over the place. Suddenly, Ehrye became limp, and a white glowing thing flew through the machine’s glass tubes into an orb on Klyma’s desk. “What did you just do?!” “I JUST FOUND A WAY TO SEPARATE THE SPIRIT FROM THE BODY!” “Why?” “BECAUSE SCIENCE. I DON’T NEED A REASON.” THAT IS WHY PEOPLE WORK ON STRING THEORY DESPITE IT NOT HAVING ANY BEARING ON ANYTHING

You fail math forever. 1/5 is not 2/6, Tahu is not included in the ratio. And it is not a ratio, it is a fraction. The fact I just said it was a ratio is irrelevant, because I am now saying it is a fraction. Part 173: Think for a Minute Here, This is Actually Kind of Horrifying “What the Karzahni is that?!” “More to the point, why isn’t everyone screaming and running away?” “Alright, listen up you lowlifes! For… I don’t know how long, but for a VERY long time, I’ve been trapped underneath your pathetic island, waiting to feast on living bodies again! I’m the VOID, but you can just call me “le mangeur de vous”.” “What’s that mean?” “It’s in French.” “What’s French?” “Oh I forgot. This is xenofiction. Whatever, prepare to be EATEN!” “May I recommend eating the guy with the drill first?” “What?” “Oh come on. That’s simply trying TOO hard to kill someone.” “Yeah wow that’s a good suggestion. How about instead I eat YOU first?” “NO! I told you to eat HIM, not-“ And in just a few moments, the parts composing the Void plucked up Tehutti’s body, put it in the centre of the swarm of body parts, and tore it apart, dropping only his mask. And he was screaming the entire time. “Well that was a long time coming, was it not?” “Absolutely. If only Nuparu were here to see it.” “Now is the time for what could have been, now is the time for what will have been when we do it. RUN!” “You can’t run from me, I-wait, what are YOU DOING HERE?!” “Well I realised you were afraid of me so I’m going to chase you. BOO!” “How did you even get out of that mine shaft?” “LEVITATION DEVICE! It solves everything. Well not… everything, but most things. I got it from the crazy inventor guy who I may or may not have accidentally left to die.” “Hey. That was my friend. You jerk.” “I thought I was your friend. Why didn’t you tell me anything about this “other” friend?” “I don’t have to tell you everything. Get off my back.” DO NOT BE SO QUICK TO THROW OUT YOUR SOLEK TOY AV-MATORAN WARD OFF EVIL METAPHSYICAL SPIRITS

Oh it's very simple. You just take the worst parts of the American government, add in the incompetence of the British government, the paranoia of the Chinese government and the absurdity of the Australian government. Part 172: Six Heroes, One Destiny “So, what’s the fastest way to Ta-Wahi?” “How should I know? We’re in the middle of the flippin’ frozen tundra! That’s the complete opposite of a volcanic wasteland!” “Why are you still here?” “I suppose if we’re going to travel, we might as well do it together. But we’re coming back here when the situation is resolved!” “Very well. We should take the Ta-Koro cable car. Ta-Koro’s not far from the Golden Beach.” “I got up here without them fancy schmancy cars. How about we just jump off the cliff?” “The what?” Pohatu immediately grabbed their hands and used the Mask of Speed to rush over the cliff that towered over Le-Wahi, and jump a few miles away. “Alright gentlemen, it’s TIME TO GET BLOODY!” The Shadow Toa were then landed on by the real Toa. “OW!” “Uh… what just happened?” “POHATU YOU IDIOT! WE WANTED TO GO TO TA-WAHI! NOT LE-WAHI!” “*sigh* Just no pleasing some people.” “My spiiineee…” “You’ll live. Whatever you are.” “Um… what are they again?” “THEY! ARE! OUR! EVIL! DUUUPLIIICAAATEEES!!!” “PREPOSTEROUS! YOU JUST MADE THEM UP TO EXCUSE YOU DESTROYING LE-KORO!” “LEWA SAW THEM ALSO!!!” “No I didn’t. I saw two of them.” “YOU HALFWIT! NO, QUARTERWIT! EIGHTEETHWIT! SIIIXTEEEEEENWIIIT!!!” … … … … … “You three are a trio of escaped asylum patients, and you need to take your meds.” “Wait, you destroyed Le-Koro?” “IT WAS THEM!” “Who?” “THE PEOPLE YOU LANDED ON!” “They disappeared while you were shouting.” “BUT YOU SAW THEM! YOU ALL DID!” “They were probably just a hallucination. They were too black to be true.” “Excuse me?” “WHAAAT?! No, enough of this. I refuse to spend time convincing you idiots that something that very clearly exists does exist and you’re weakly denying it does.” “Well I believe you.” “Thank you. That makes me feel SO much better.” ONE OUT OF FIVE AT LEAST

Part 171: Law Decree “So… who are you?” “I’m Pekka. I own a shop on the coast of Po-Wahi.” “I thought you were a lawyer.” “What? Oh, you mean when I defended my Turaga yesterday, uh, that was a one-time thing. There aren’t any lawyers in Po-Koro. In fact I don’t think there are any on the island.” “I studied law. Not that anyone in my village cares. In fact, I wanted to become a lawyer, but my Turaga wouldn’t let it happen and assigned me to the Guard.” “Funny. I wanted to become a lawyer too, but MY Turaga wanted me to become a shopkeeper.” “Hmm. So, what do you think of Ta-Koro?” “It sucks. No offense, but it still sucks.” “Yeah. Not sure why we built it inside a volcano. Right beneath the lair of our island’s local bogeyman, no less.” “I heard somewhere that during the early days of the Rahi Wars, Ta-Koro stretched all the way to the coast, back when Ta-Wahi was a lush forest.” “Yes, but the majority of us lived in the volcano. Now look at us. Cramped on a small island in a sea of lava. Most of us are in fact homeless, simply because we can’t BUILD any more houses. There’s no space, and we don’t have enough money.” “The economy isn’t going so well, is it? I hear it’s because the Onu-Koro mines are running dry, but really? That’s all a conspiracy, man. They’re obviously hoarding it to themselves.” “Onu-Matoran aren’t exactly trustworthy. Black all over, live underground, obsessed with money, and worst of all? THEY’RE BUSISNESSMEN.” “I’ve never understood just how the corporate system works. I know how the legal system works, but-“ “Pekka!” “WHAT?” “Will you be my best friend?!” “What?” “We have so much in common!” “Huh. You know it’s funny, I thought today was gonna suck, but it turns out, I’m still alive, my interest in law is renewed, and I’ve found a new friend.” Then he remembered Kapura was a Ta-Matoran, and that his Turaga was secretly planning to overthrow them. “OH JUST KILL ME NOW!” WELL THAT PUTS A DOWNER ON THINGS DOES IT NOT

Part 170: The Awakening “Crush! Kill! Maim! Destroy! And all that jazz!” The M.a.R.K chased after the Ash Bear that was chasing Takua, Nuparu, Taipu and Tamaru. Cue a benny hill chase around all of Onu-Koro. “*huff* We can’t- *pant* quick-run forever!” “Look! We can take that elevator down!” “What elevator?” “The one we just ran into while you were asking a question you wouldn’t need to ask if you weren’t covering up your eyes with one hand and holding my hand with the other.” “Sorry.” The elevator started to rattle and shake as it descended into the depths. While the M.a.R.K ceased pursuit (stage one Kraata have a fear of heights, don’t you know?), the Ash Bear didn’t, as it leapt onto the roof of the elevator. Then they started to hear a sound not unlike the straining of metal. “Uh… you sure this elevator’s been serviced recently?” “Service day was yesterday. And barely anything got done yesterday other than the Le-Wahi tunnel due to all the shenanigans and goings-on. So no.” Then the elevator started to fall. “AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” HOWL! They landed into an eerily familiar (to Nuparu at least) cavern, illuminated by a single torch on the wall. They landed in a twisted pile of limbs, though none of them were severed. The Ash Bear then landed and crushed them in-between the roof of the elevator and the floor of the elevator. Only Takua was able to get out in time. “OW!” “Owhowhow!” “MY LEG!” “Where are we?” “WHO CARES?! GET THIS OFFA ME!” “Ahem.” “And… them… if you have time.” Takua attempted to do so it, but was unable to lift the unconscious Ash Bear off the roof. “It’s too… heavy…” “Maybe there’s some tools that can help us! This is a mine, search around.” “Where?! There’s nothing here except a torch and…” He looked down at the floor. “…a giant sundial.” “Oh. We’re down Shaft B then. There’s nothing here except that sundial.” “Well at least we’ll be able to tell the time. Not that it was your primary concern, NO; you wanted to know WHERE we were…” “Shut your mouth, you overgrown fruit. Hmm… there might be something under it… but it’s stuck onto the floor…” “Oh, the Ga-Matoran astrologer told me you need to shine a Lightstone under four o’clock to open it.” “I don’t HAVE a Lightstone! Why do people think that I do?! There’s nothing in this blue backpack except a Lightstone and a-“ … … … … … “SPIRIAH! SPIRIAY SPI SPI SPIRIAH! SPIRIAH!!! SPIIIRIIIAAAH!!! SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-“ “Shut up, shut UP, SHUT UP!” “That’s not very nice language.” Takua broke down sobbing on the floor “*sob* I’m an idiiiot… *sob*” “Look, while nobody it is disputing that hard-fact, could you shut up and just shine the Lightstone on-“ “Wait a minute, why do you use a backpack?” “*sob* To carry my stuff… *sniff*” “But we can all carry stuff on our backs! Backs are magical.” “FOOL! There’s no such thing as MAAAGIIIC! There’s just a portable pocket dimension that can carry seemingly infinite amounts of stuff located near the exterior of our spine! Sometimes the simplest answer is the correct one.” “Mata Nui, shine the light on-“ “*sniff* I got it…” “Wait, no! Don’t do that!” “Why? You were the one who told him how to do it!” “Yes, but that doesn’t mean he SHOULD do it!” But it was too late. Takua had already done so, and in an instant, the markings on the dial faded away like words drawn in sand. The dial then opened to reveal a transparent luminescent blue staircase. “Takua! Talk to me, what’s happening? Takua?! Takua! TAAAKUUUAAA-“ “Oh shut up.” Takua was too dumbstruck by awe, wonder, curiosity, and a tinge of fear. He descended, to find himself in a circular room, empty save for a pedestal marked RAHI, with a floating Golden Kanohi on it, in the shape of a Hau. Takua tried to take the mask, but his hand simply phased through it, making the mask all blurry. The Hau then spoke: “Please speak password.” “What?” “Incorrect. Nine tries remaining. Please speak password.” “Uh…” “Incorrect. Eight tries remaining. Please speak password.” “Gukko?” “Machine?” “Password?” “Why would a password be password?” “All incorrect. Four tries remaining. Please-“ “Wait a quick-minute, we only suggested three!” “Incorrect. Three tries remaining. P-“ “Oh I get it, it interprets everything we say as a password, so-“ “SHUT UP!” “Not even close. One try remaining. Please speak password.” Takua thought. Then he stopped thinking and looked at the word inscribed on the pedestal. Then he had an idea.” “Rahi!” “Oh come on!” “That wasn’t good.” “Great work Takua. Now whatever you’re talking to will lock-“ “Correct. Access granted.” “WHAAAT?!” “Welcome Makuta Terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-“ A fuse blew from the pedestal, and the Hau reverted back to merely floating again, content with its holographic life. A door to Takua’s right then opened. “Um… what was that noise?” Takua went inside. The room was dark. He noticed something at his feet. It was a black thingymabob. His brain then kicked in and realised it was the arm of a MATORAN. “OH DEAR GREAT SPIRIT!” “What is it?” Takua then noticed the entire room was filled to the brim with body parts, Matoran, Rahi, some he only even noticed existed on the TOA, and some he couldn’t even recognise. These parts then began to move. A rusted old Hau in the middle then floated up, and red eyes began to glow from it. “Heheheheh… Nice work, CHUMP!” “Oh no…” “Oh YEEEAAAH!!! It feels so good to be free! And I am HUNGRY!” “Um, then perhaps we can do lunch together.” “UGH! That’s disgusting! You want to eat YOURSELF?” “What?” “Did I not mention? Lunch is YOU.” “Oh boy.” Takua said with a tone just OOZING snark. Then all the parts in the room stopped shaking, and started moving. Slowly towards Takua. The smile on the Hau widened, and widened, and widened. And then quickly turned to horror. “No… you’re… ONE OF THEM!” “What?” “GET AWAY FROM ME YOU WALKING CANDLE!!!” And with that, the Hau and his dismembered blackened body part friends flew off over Takua’s head, into the cavern and started eating its way through solid rock. “OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM-“ Meanwhile, Whenua was about to finish off Onewa (Parts 169 and Parts 170 take place parallel each other), when there was a rumbling in the ground. And then a host of flying body parts flew out of the sand. “DINNER TIME! AHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHHAAAHAAHAAH!!!” WELL AT LEAST HE IS GONE FROM MY PLANE OF EXISTENCE NOW ALL I HAVE TO DO NOW IS TO WRITE SOME SORT OF IMPROBABLE SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM SHOULD NOT BE TOO HARD

Good work men! At the rate we're going we'll have his toes nibbled off in about... nine thousand years! Part 169: Duel of the Old Men In the middle of the hurly-burly outside the tunnel to Onu-Koro in Po-Wahi, Whenua confronted Onewa. “Ah. There you are. I am going to have to ask you to stop, or the consequences will be dire.” “You know what I can’t stand about you? You never lose your cool. EVER. I mean, that would make sense if you were a Ko-Matoran. But you’re NOT.” “You do not understand. That is not what I-“ “And you NEVER use contractions! Ever! You do not understand? You DON’T understand! That is not what I? THAT’S not what I!!!” “You are comically missing the point.” “And stop acting as if though this all just a minor annoyance! Your power is challenged, your people are fighting a war they can’t win, and I’m about to SMASH YA WID A HAMMA!” It was at this point, that Whenua’s almost GODLIKE patience, finally snapped. “SHUT YOUR GOB YOU OVERGLORIFIED BLOCK CHIPPER! I’LL DRILL YOU A NEW HOLE TO REMOVE ALL THE DUNG YOU SEEM TO BE CLOGGED WITH!!!” Whenua then revved up his drill. “NOW WE’RE TALKING! GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT, LI-BRA-RI-AN!!!” Onewa then swung his hammer around like it was a pair of nun-chucks, but he accidentally caused them to hit his only weak spot. And you know where this is going. “AH! MY FACE!” Or not. Whenua took the opportunity to tackle Onewa to the ground. Onewa thought Whenua was going to make him surrender. But he wasn’t. He was getting ready to drill a giant hole in his chest. He’d pushed him too far. But then, almost by the hand of Mata Nui himself, the ground then started shaking… DEUS EX MACHINA MORE LIKE DIABOLUS EX MACHINA HEHEHEHEH

Part 168: Bickering Bickerers “Where are we going again?” “To find Lewa’s Great Masks.” “Uh huh. Do you know where in PARTICULAR we’re going?” “No.” “*sigh*” “I for one think this is a great idea.” “Of course YOU would think so!” “He doesn’t think though. That’s the problem!” “…I’m beginning to get the impression you two don’t like me.” “I’m going to kill you.” “Uh ah ah! No killing! Or I’ll tell the Turaga.” “You won’t be able to kill him if you’re DEAD!” “This would be SO much easier alone…” “Then DO SO!” “I CAN’T. We’re destined to defeat Makuta TOGETHER. Though how that will be possible with idiots like you, Lewa and Pohatu, I don’t know.” “How am I an idiot?” “You somehow thought that tumbling around in quicksand like a drunk Kane-Ra would get you OUT.” “I was panicking! Look, if you’re so smart, why don’t you two use your Kanohi Miru to fly and leave me to search the ground?” “Levitation is not flying! It is falling! WITH STYLE!” “Because if I have to suffer him, YOU will suffer with me! ARE WE CLEAR?!” “Who died and made you general?” “Mata Nui.” “But he’s asleep! Not dead!” “He WILL be dead if we don’t get a move on! I’ve heard sleeping too long is bad for your health, Mr. I Don’t Want to Get Out of the Filthy Ditch Five More Minutes!!!” “YOU idiots were the ones who dragged me away from that nice cosy bed in Le-Koro! WHICH IS NOW ASHES BECAUSE OF YOU!” “IT WAS MY EVIL TWIN! YOU SAW HIM!” “Oh yes, the evil twin that somehow MAGICALLY appeared out of nowhere. Give me a-“ “THERE THEY ARE!” “BREAK THEM!” LOONY LOONS WAS A CONSIDERED ALTERNATIVE NAME

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YskhRbGPt2k http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MythologyGag Part 167: Did You Order Satellite or Cable? Kapura returned to Ta-Koro, only to find it in ruins, and a large steel door in the way of the tunnel that led to Onu-Koro. “Life,” He concluded- “sucks.” He decided he should instead go to Ko-Wahi, since that’s obviously where the Toa and his so-called “friends” went. He went to call down the cable car, when suddenly he realised it was coming all by itself. Odd. Unless… there was someone coming DOWN. It could be Nuhrii; it could be Agni, the Toa, someone else, or a Rahi under Makuta’s influence. It could be anything! Kapura brandished his spear, and got ready to impale whatever came down there if it was hostile. And if it was Nuhrii. Imagine his surprise when it was a Po-Matoran, of all things… “Um… we good?” PEKKA IS CURRENTLY AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PECKING ORDER GET IT PECKING OH SHUT UP YOU ELDRITCH NUMPTY

Part 166: In Which Ehrye Reads the Employee Manual HELLO FUTURE EMPLOYEE IF YOU ARE READING THIS IT MEANS YOU HAVE CHOSEN A NEW EXITING AND PROFITABLE CAREER PATH IN MY GLORIOUS HOTEL THE FIRST THING YOU MUST MASTER IS THE SACRED ART OF ROOM SERVICE YOU ARE TO BRING THE TENANT HIS REQUESTED NOURISHMENTS WITH SWIFTNESS AND POLITENESS LEST YOU BE SHIPPED TO KARZAHNI A GOOD TIME IS ABOUT 20 MINUTES ANY LATER AND I WILL CUT OFF YOUR FOOT FOR LAZINESS AND ENTAILED IN TURAGA NUJUS BOOK OF PUNISHMENTS THAT FOR SOME STRANGE REASON HE HAS NOT DECIDED TO PUBLISH SO I AM NOT AWARE OF THE FULL DETAILS BUT I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT IS IN THERE ANYWAY YOU MUST BE ALSO BE COURTESOUS TO THE GUEST FAILURE TO DO SO WILL RESULT IN YOUR TONGUE BEING CUT OFF WHICH IS ALSO WRITTEN IN TURAGA NUJUS BOOK OF PUNISHMENTS THAT FOR SOME STRANGE REASON HE HAS NOT DECIDED TO PUBLISH SO I AM NOT AWARE OF THE FULL DETAILS BUT I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT IS IN THERE FOR SAKE OF BRIEFNESS THAT WILL NOW BE SHORTENED TO TNBOPTFSSRHHNDTPSIANAOTFDBIAFCTIIT THAT IS THE ACTUAL ABREVIATION SERIOUSLY DO IT YOURSELF ANYWAY NEXT UP YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO SIGN A CONTRACT SELLING YOUR SOUL TO ME AND I WILL PROBABLY BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU TO DRUG YOU AS YOU READ THIS BOO Ehrye was then suddenly injected with a knockout drug, and fell to ground, limp. The incredibly heavy book then fell on Klyma’s foot. “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-“ BET YOU DID NOT SEE THAT COMING

Part 165: Confirmation That Aliens Exist Used to be a Big Deal, but Nowadays it’s Not. “So, we’re off to… where do we have to go?” “The Golden Beach. That’s where the Po-Matoran are.” “Well I for one am not going. I’m going to get the rest of my masks.” “Oh no, not this again. We have a duty to protect the Matoran!” “Yes. And we have a destiny to defeat Makuta. And we need our Golden Masks to do that.” “Ah, but we also need our unity, which means we need to stay together.” “Didn’t you say you abandoned the other three?” “There are others? I must assume you two are the black Mahis. Even if you are technically blue and brown. They must be sensible and rational, like me.” “Uh, yes! Sensible and rational, those are… words…” “Look, I for one am going to the Golden Beach. If you want to just look out for yourself and not care about the people you’re supposed to be protecting, that’s fine.” “No it isn’t!” “Exactly!” “I’m confused now. And I’m aware of the medium!” “Good. Now that I have little boy brown off my tail I can get something done instead of being shot at by crazy asylum inmates.” “That wasn’t my fault.” “Yes it was. The only reason a dumbbell like him could have fired at us at all was because although I blended into the environment (because I’m white) you, my coloured friend stood out like a nuclear detonation. On the moon.” “The moo-oh, you mean that desert-covered planet in the sky!” “It’s not a planet. It’s a moon.” “Not really. You see, since the planet is larger, it would only make sense that the sphere we are on is the moon, and we are orbiting the planet.” “Yes, but there’s absolutely no way anyone could live on that rock, so there’s nobody to dispute the fact that we are on the planet, and that is the moon. Except you, and you’re an idiot.” “Actually, I think he’s right.” “You’re a woman. You’re not supposed to think. Nobody but you two is arguing about this, and certainly not the people on the moon, because even if they do exist, they’re probably really stupid.” Meanwhile… “Ever get the feeling there might be people on Aqua Magna’s island, and that they’re insulting us?” “Nobody wonders about that except for you. If there are people there, they’re probably really stupid, and not worth thinking about.” “You’re right.” IT WORKS BOTH WAYS KOPAKA IS A JERK AND I DEVOUR ENTIRE ISLANDS FOR BREAKFEAST

Part 164: Censor Bait “No, no, NO!!! We’re not doing that!” “Why not? It’ll make them easier to control.” “And it’ll make them harder to breed! We are NOT doing it!” “What are you two doing now?” “Orkish ham over here thinks we should quote fix unquote our Gukkos.” “They’re very unpredictable creatures. Fixing them would help assert our control.” “There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with them…” Then a Gukko broke free from its chains and snatched up Sanso in its beak. “AAAHHH! HELP ME!” … … … … … “That always happens.” “His music is awful.” “True, very true. But I don’t see what there is to fix.” “Their reproductive instincts.” “I beg your pardon?” “It’s their hormones. Makes them do crazy things. Like Ga-Matoran.” “Look, while it is agreed that they make a bigger mess than me on Sunday nights, it’s not an excuse to rip their genitalia off!” “WHAT?!” “You see, without their reproductive organs, they’ll lose the desire to mate, and-“ “NO, they will NOT lose the desire to mate. What they WILL lose is the ABILITY!” “You people are weird. And stupid. And weirdly stupid.” “That may be true, but-“ “And stupidly weird.” YOUR DOG ACTING A BIT WEIRD EH REMOVE HIS PUPPY-MAKER THAT WILL CHEER HIM UP

Part 163: All’s Fair in Hate and War “So Onepu, how was your day?” “Oh, same old.” “Well, sorry about the whole attack business.” “You should be.” “What are you two doing? You’re supposed to be fighting each other!” “We happen to be friends, OK?” “Friends don’t really matter in a time of war.” “Yes they do!” “Not on opposite sides.” “Well… that is a good point…” “Of course it is. He’s your Turaga. If it was MY Turaga you’d disagree.” “True...” “*sigh* Do you know where Vakama is?” “I was alone in the desert when he left.” “You’re useless. I’m going to Onu-Koro to find some clues.” “Uh… maybe… don’t.” “Why?” Unbeknownst to Onewa, a giant robot chased an Ash Bear chasing four Matoran in the abandoned Onu-Koro courtyard. BENNY HILL TIME

Part 162: If you Need Instructions on how to get Into a Hotel, Check out the Enclosed Instruction Book “Where did that gabby translator guy go?” “I don’t know, but I’m glad he’s gone. Now all I need is for YOU to go away.” “Feelings mutual. I’m going to go stay in that hotel.” “Oh no you’re not! I’M going to stay in that hotel.” “I AM!” “I AM!!!” They began to fight while they walked into the lobby. “CALM YOURSELF MY GOOD FELLOWS, THERE IS ROOM IN MY ESTABLISHMENT FOR TWO!” “No there isn’t!” “I refuse to be anywhere near this retard!” “YOU CAN HAVE SEPARATE ROOMS!” “YES!” “BUT IT WILL COST DOUBLE.” “Crud.” “Ehrye asks who?” “THESE ARE GUESTS. PLEASE, SHOW THEM TO THEIR ROOMS. 1A AND 9H.” “Ehrye says rooms are far apart.” “EXACTLY.” “Ehrye says well. Ehrye show Ta-Matoran to rooms.” Pekka then burst through the entrance, gasping for breath. “*pant* Are… *pant* they… *pant* gone?” He then noticed Nuhrii and Agni. He then bolted back out. “…That was odd.” “Thank you for stating the obvious. Now go away.” YOU HAVE ALL SAID SOMETHING ALONG THAT LINE WHEN SOMEONE STATES SOMETHING OBVIOUS

Part 161: Toa Mata Staff Meeting “Toa, assemble!” “We’ve been standing here for a full three minutes.” “Well then assemble faster!” “No, we ARE assembled. We were just waiting for you to stop babbling about how the fire wasn’t your fault, which we cleared up TWO minutes ago.” “I forget, what is this meeting about?” “Perhaps if certain people assembled faster…” “I’m surrounded by incompetence.” “No, that’s just you. It’s surround sound.” “Incompetence is a style of music?” “Maybe it’s the style of that crazy musician’s music.” “That’s not music; it’s a series of cluttered cacophonic chords.” “So it’s dubstep then?” “I take it back, you ARE surrounded by incompetence.” “Thank you. I will subtract you from that surrounding.” “Don’t you mean divide?” “No, then it would be… Tahu what number are you?” “Not to get us back on topic or anything but CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK ON TOPIC?!” “There was a topic to this meeting?” “Well if you were paying attention to… well, ANYTHING, you might know!” “I’m sorry, I’m broke.” … … … … … “You said paying so-“ “No I understood, it was just terrible.” “I don’t know why I bother.” “Nobody does.” “I do!” “Shut up nobody.” “Look, we have to get our Golden Masks! I already have mine, so I’m in charge. Lewa, now the three of us work together to get yours.” “OK, just so we’re a hundred percent clear, I do not paid attention to anything you two say. As I’m broke-“ “I JUST told you that was terrible.” “And I just told YOU I don’t pay attention!” “BUT-THAT-HOW-WHAT I DON’T EVEN-“ “I must be adopted. I must be an adoptive sibling of these two. I cannot be descended from the hag who spawned these morons.” “I’m not sure that’s how it works in our universe-“ “SHUT UP!” DO NOT ENQUIRE FURTHER IT RAISES EYEBROWS

Part 160: I’ma Gettin’ A giant ice cavern full of salvaged yet fully functioning computers awaited the Toa (and Matoro) at the end of the passage, led by Nuju. “…What is this place?” “Don’t ask me. I’ve never been here.” “Quack! Gobble gobble gobble! Tweet! Coo! Crow! Honk! Hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo!” “He says… this room has the power to stop the civil war-“ “Yes! YES!!!” “Kut-kut-kut! Yip! Cluck!” “-At the cost of the combatants lives.” “No! NO!!!” “Make up your mind, please.” “Tweet! Chirp! Honk! Crow! Gaggle! Coo!” “He says it will make sunshine and rainbows rain down from the sky.” “Oh. Well that’s not so bad.” “SQUAWK! Cuckoo! Cackle! Pip! Skraaa! Waak!” “Oh, no, that’s not what he said. He said it will make fire and destruction rain down, I always get those and sunshine and rainbows mixed up.” “I stand corrected.” “You can’t do that! There has to be a solution that doesn't involve armageddon.” “Woo! Skraww! Honk! Cuckoo! Clack! Hoot! Kut-kut-kut!” “He says that there isn't, unless you somehow Makuta. He’ll give you three days to do so. But if you don’t, he will fire the weapons.” “Where did you even get these computers and said weapons?” “I think these are salvaged from whatever the Great Spirit used to bring us here.” “Quack.” “YEEES!” YES YEEES

Part 159: Robots and Bears Nuparu wandered around the Onu-Koro courtyard, seeking to get away from the huge brawl between Onu-Matoran, Po-Matoran and Ga-Matoran outside. It wasn’t easy getting in, considering the entrance was collapsed, but that’s what the particle shifter’s for. “Nuparu?” “Who-oh it’s you again. I see you somehow managed to get Taipu back.” “Hello.” “Now who’s this clown?” “I think he’s Le-Koro’s lunch monitor…” “I’m a Gukko Rider!” “What the Karzahni is a Gukko?” “It’s a large bird thing.” “It is a majestic beast that must be handled gently!” “You put large steel collars around their necks to prevent them from flying to freedom.” “Hang on, where are those other idiots who went with you?” “Do you really even care?” “No. By the way, you three look terrible.” “We were chased by an Ash Bear.” Said Ash Bear was right behind them. ROAR! “Huh.” “So… why is the Koro empty? And why is everything in a such a mess?” “Well… there may or may not be a giant robot wandering around.” Said giant robot was right behind them as well. “I can smell your FEAR!” “It appears it’s going to be one of those days.” WELL YOU ALL KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS CHASE TIME

Part 158: Scheming and Plotting (Though They’re the Same Thing) “So, what do we do now?” “Makuta told us to distract the Toa. So we will do so. WITH EXECESSIVE FORCE!” “That sounds like incredibly hard work for the three of us.” “Perhaps we could ask Makuta to create more Shadow Toa from the other three. Then we would be six, and our efforts would be doubled.” “That’s a good plan. Glad I’ll be taking the credit for it.” “HAHAHAHA you wish.” “Shut up! It’ll be my plan and that’s final. But where are the Toa?” “Somewhere on Mata-Nui.” “WHERE on Mata-Nui!?” “Somewhere.” “OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, THEY’RE STILL AT LE-KORO! AND I WILL BE CREATING THE OTHER SHADOW TOA TONIGHT! BEGONE WITH YOU AND DON’T COME BACK UNLESS I TELL YOU TO!” “What about if we tell us to?” “WE? There is no WE in I! I will tell us to come back!” “By I, you don’t by any chance mean Onua? Because that’s the only rational thing you could have said.” “I’VE SURROUNDED MYSELF WITH MORONS.” THIS IS ADORABLE REALLY IT IS

Part 157: A Hundred and Twenty Seven Posts Coming “Attention everyone! I would just like to apologise for us attacking you. In truth I have absolutely no idea why we did it, but we will help you with the rebuilding of your village!” There was a contented murmur amongst the Le-Matoran. “They’re taking it awfully well.” “Isn’t that an oxymoron? Awful, well? They mean opposite things.” “Whatever.” “*ahem* The people of Le-Koro have unanimously voted for Turaga Vakama to NOT be hung by his own entrails and paraded through all of Mata-Nui.” “Generous.” “Turaga Vakama! There you are!” “Jaller? Where have you been?” “Here.” “OK.” “Anyway, I have some important information concerning why the Onu-Matoran blew up our tunnel.” “Because they’re jerks?” “No, because the PO-MATORAN were jerks.” “Wait a minute are you saying what the Onu-Matoran were saying?” “It’s true, my friend-enemy-“ “Frenemy?” “Shut up, I’m trying to explain things. The truth is that Onewa wants your job as leader of the Turaga.” “Of course he does. Backstabbing is in his blood. Literally!” “Oh yes, I know that. But he was the reason the Onu-Matoran boom-banged your tunnel.” “That’s disgusting.” “Shut UP. They were trying to attack-destroy your village and overthrow you, but the Onu-Matoran stopped them by destroying the tunnel.” “*sigh* OK, fine. I was wrong. I’ve suspected as much. I’m not infallible. Well, most of the time. Ninety-nine percent. And today was that one percent. Are you still with me my Ta-Matoran?” There was an overwhelming cry of positivity. Except for one who disagreed, and was punched in the face for his troubles. DEMOCRACY IT IS FANTASTIC

Part 156: Employee Orientation “ALRIGHT MY GOOD FRIEND! FIRST WE MUST COVER THE BASICS! YOU MUST BE COURTESOUS AND POLITE TO ANY GUEST WHO WALKS IN! UNLESS HE SHOULD BE A TOTAL JERK, IN WHICH CASE, GIVE HIM THE BOOT.” Klyma held up an old boot. “Boot smells horrible.” “EXACTLY!” “Hey did you two idiots see where those two idiots went? And why is there a hole in the roof?” “FOR SOME REASON THIS POOR FELLOW WAS FORCIBLY EVICTED. BUT HE CAME BACK STRAIGHT AFTERWARDS, LIKE A GOOD BELLBOY!” “Ehrye says hello.” “Who’s Ehrye?” “HIM.” “So he says hello?” “YES.” “Ehrye says yes.” “OK. Now, could you talk like a normal Matoran being please?” “Ehrye talks fine. Skank does not. Skank sounds like constipated Nui-Rama.” “You do know bellboys are supposed to be polite, right?” “Skank is hypocritical. Skank is dumb.” “I don’t know why, but I’ve got a strong feeling I’m gonna hate you.” “STAFF RETAINS THE RIGHT TO BE RUDE TO ANYONE. ESPECIALLY HYPOCRITES AND SKANKS. AND YOU’RE BOTH! HAVE THE BOOT!” Klyma threw the boot at Vhisola’s face. “OW! You threw it at me! What the Karzahni is wrong with you?!” “SILENCE MISERABLE WORM! LEAVE MY ESTABLISHMENT IMMEDIATELYYY!!! But not before paying.” BEWARE THE BOOT